InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Boom Chicka Wah Wah!"

He may be Vader someday later, but now he's (justasmallfry) wrote in makebelievelog,
@ 2012-09-08 08:41:00

Entry tags:

ickle anakin skywalker, padme amidala

Who: Ani Jr. and Padmé
What: Ani is avoiding people, Padmé discusses why
When: Friday afternoon
Where: Very top floor of the North Tower
Rating/Warnings: Probably low
Status: In progress/Closed

If one wanted to gain access to the North Tower they must do so on the first floor. A corridor cut through between two sets of staffs’ quarters and the door at the end entered the spiral staircase that led up and up.

Young Anakin’s journey to the top of that tower started with the courtyard. It was the afternoon; the bus had just dropped him off from school. He walked up the drive and through the courtyard entrance and right up to the main doors of the castle. From there he walked the halls to cut through the dining hall. Along his way he grabbed a fruit off the table display of snacks the staff set out between meals. He left the dining hall by the back entrance, to the corridors that would take him to the West wing. The West and North wing wrapped the courtyard, along one side of the hall were the doors to the quarters, along the other were the large, arched windows that looked out down on the courtyard. And in that time it had taken him to pass from the doors of the castle to the Northwest tower others had gathered in the courtyard below.

Anakin recognized that red hair instantly, catching for the first time since his arrival in this place a glimpse of his Master. He didn’t recognize the dark haired, young man with him, not by looks, at least, but he knew the feeling of that young man in the Force. That raw, seething, inexplicable hatred Anakin knew was just for him. It was for that young man’s benefit he had been taught to hide himself in the Force, from whom he was hiding now. In that tower, through the tower window, Anakin stopped to take in the scene of training. He couldn’t hear them, not without tapping the Force, but he didn’t want to, seeing was quite enough. Something stirred within him he didn’t know what because emotions weren’t to be harbored, just brushed aside unexamined.

He didn’t know what to call what he was feeling, but he knew he didn’t like it.

He pivoted on the spot, changing direction from the quarters he stayed in, to the spiral stairs of the tower. He rushed down to the first floor and through the corridors to the North tower access. In his exploration of the castle he’d found this tower and knew it was one rarely used. He would not be disturbed, or if he was it wouldn’t be for a long time. He climbed to the top and when he reached it he claimed the window sill. He wanted to shut himself down in the Force, so that no one could feel him, he didn’t want whatever he was feeling to be broadcast to everyone with the right kind of receiver, but he knew he couldn’t. Luke and his older self would know, instantly. A rock and a hard place.

He just wanted to be left alone to figure out what he had seen, and what it made him feel without someone telling him to simply get rid of the emotions.

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i_cannot_follow
2012-09-08 06:55 am UTC (link)

Padmé was quite alright with Anakin's redirection of the conversation. If anything, it cut to the root of another matter that was undoubtedly adding to the boy's apparently troubled state. She would have to relay the contents of this conversation to the elder Anakin later, so everyone was on the same page. Luke as well, if Anakin didn't wish to relay it to him as "Jedi" style business.

"No, you're not. I'm afraid - Master Kenobi has a good deal of trauma to deal with. He -" How to explain it? Anakin was a bright boy. He wouldn't be able to be kept in the dark forever. If he went into the wrong store, he may even have found out about his future on his own. It wasn't something the boy needed. Still, Padmé's voice was kind and quiet as she spoke, her eyes fixed on the boy's form. "The Jedi Order has some problems, Anakin, in the future. Luke teaches new things because he's from a later time point. Master Kenobi has some trauma around what happened to the 'Old Jedi Order,' and he's unable to act as your Master anymore because of it. I'm sorry."

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justasmallfry
2012-09-08 07:15 am UTC (link)

“But he can take on training someone else.” It wasn’t a question. He didn’t need it confirmed; he had seen it with his own eyes. It was his way of saying he knew. He knew Padmé was sparing him from some truth. He wasn’t that small boy from Tatooine anymore, he was a Padawan, he was expected to already follow the precepts of the Code, one of which was dispassionate thinking and handling complex subjects. And the truth his mind used to fill the gaps was one he’d suspected for a very long time.

The problem was with him.

“He never wanted to train me. He only did it because Master Qui-Gon made him promise to before he died.” He didn’t have any actual proof of this, only the rocky start of his and Obi-Wan’s relationship, and the hunches formulated late at night or when he was left alone. No, not ‘left alone,’ not in the benign, ‘giving people space,’ meaning of the phrase. He was ignored and disliked by his fellow age-mates. They didn’t accept him, they wanted nothing to do with him. He spent his free time by himself, not out of choice, but because he had no other option. And in those lonely hours (which weren’t supposed to be lonely, because, as his instructors scolded him, a Jedi craves not such things that smack of attachment) he had a lot of time to think.

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i_cannot_follow
2012-09-08 08:10 am UTC (link)

There was the explanation. Anakin had found out about Obi-Wan taking the angry young man under him to try to teach him, to curb the anger that was so viciously felt toward Anakin. She supposed it was only a matter of time. Still, she was at somewhat of a loss as to how to explain this.

"Anakin," Padmé started, "I cannot speak for Master Kenobi, nor will I pretend to try. I can say that I have seen moments of genuine connection between your elder self and Master Kenobi -"

This was where Padmé was at an impasse. Anakin had been told so many half-truths, had been manipulated and lied to. It hadn't been just from Palpatine, either. It had been from the Jedi Order as well. Still, he was almost a teenager and didn't have the proper skills to cope emotionally. They had been drilled out of him. She had no desire, no with to traumatize him and leave him without a way to handle things. Did the intentions she held make it justifiable for her to leave out details, to (essentially) lie to him as the Jedi had? She had been watched the movies and the cartoons and worked at taking in what information she could, so she knew and understood some of the troubles that had lead them down a destructive path.

"Anakin," Padmé hated being at a loss. She was used to knowing what she stood for, having a strong instinct as to what was right. She knew the young man, "Galen," was from a future point. Between the "fictional" representations and the troubled young man, some level of honesty needed achieved. "I know that your elder self and I don't want to see you in distress, see you hurting, but I feel I should be honest with you despite the fact it's not good news. You deserve to know the truth. I'm afraid the man known as Chancellor Palpatine is Sith. He - manipulates a number of people. The changes between the Jedi Order - the Old and the New - are because Chancellor Palpatine declares himself Emperor. He orders the destruction of the Jedi."

"He's eventually defeated. The Jedi are reestablished and problems within the Order, problems ignored for a long time, are worked through. Master Kenobi survived the ordered destruction of the Jedi, but he's not the same man."

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justasmallfry
2012-09-08 12:45 pm UTC (link)

For the first time Anakin’s head snapped around so he could look at Padmé. Chancellor Palpatine was Sith? The man had always been kind and open to Anakin. He was helping people, wasn’t he? Didn’t he help Naboo when the Trade Federation had laid siege on the planet? Luke had mentioned a great evil had descended on the galaxy, but it just didn’t seem possible that Chancellor Palpatine was that great evil.

On the other hand, it wasn’t as if Padmé had ever given him a reason to think she was lying. Aside from the whole handmaiden thing, that is. But he understood why she did that, it was for protection. She wouldn’t lie about something like a Sith Lord’s identity.

It was a lot to take in. And it still didn’t answer the question of why his master was ignoring him.

Then came the realization that it didn’t really matter why, did it? The result was still the same whether Anakin knew the cause or not. He wasn’t anyone’s Padawan anymore. His whole world had been wrapped around the idea of that designation, and how could it not? Just a twelve year old boy with no resource, he had no home but the Temple. He was at the mercy of the Council and without a master how long before they concluded it was in their better interest and resources to discontinue his training? He wasn’t at the Temple anymore, so he wasn’t sure what this all meant now.

“So I don't know... what now?”

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i_cannot_follow
2012-09-09 01:53 am UTC (link)

"Anakin - your elder counterpart - and I would be considered your legal guardians here. You can and should still train; Luke knows a good deal, as does your elder self. You go to school, train at the castle, and can decide what you want to be. You can be a Jedi and something else too. It's up to you as to what." Padmé tried to explain, wanting it to sound like an appealing option rather than shucking off everything he had striven for; she knew he had left his mother to become a Jedi, the noblest of intentions in mind.

"I won't attempt to overstep my boundaries, Anakin. I won't try to act as your mother, as she's an irreplaceable person. I do want to be your friend. As your friend, I want you to be happy." Padmé explained quietly. She was going to have to approach the topic with Anakin, the elder, before going into the full truth. She knew that it would need to be done, eventually, but she wanted to make sure it was the proper time, that he had emotional tools to help him adjust, and that he had proper support. Right now, the younger Anakin didn't have that. "Master Kenobi may get better down the line, perhaps be able to take a more active role in training you again at that point. Unfortunately - adults can have things, just like anyone else, where they fall short and need to work on. Even if he wants to be in a more active role, he can't quite yet."

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justasmallfry
2012-09-09 10:34 am UTC (link)

Anakin didn’t like that answer, but mostly because it detailed change and he was currently still recovering from the last time change had rocked his whole world.

“But I don’t want that, I want-” The words were out of his mouth before his mind had the decency to still his tongue. He wasn’t trying to be petulant, not towards Padmé. His emotions had simply caught him up and his habit of speaking before thoughts were fully formed took that moment to shine. His ears tinged red and he looked down.

He finished with, “I don’t know.” He really didn’t. He didn’t actually like his life at the Temple, it didn’t like him in return. But he didn’t like change either, possibly because it had yet to pan out favorably for him. Thinking back the last moment he was carelessly happy was winning the Boonta Eve back on Tatooine, and that was years ago now. That over whelming idea that echoed near constant in the back of his mind, it had been a mistake to agree to go with Master Qui-Gon, chimed to the fore.

“I made a mistake, didn’t I? Leaving Tatooine?” He hated Tatooine, but his mother was there, and that was the last place he could remember feeling welcomed and loved.

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i_cannot_follow
2012-09-09 03:23 pm UTC (link)

"You don't need to know what you want to do right now, Anakin. You have plenty of time to figure that out, okay? Promise. Your elder self and I are here for you. Luke too." Padmé tried to reassure him, an honest smile not leaving her face the entire time. Not one smile she had directed toward the younger Anakin was a politician's false attempt to relax him. She, genuinely, was smiling. She genuinely cared how he was and, even when she tried to portray some little aspect to reassure him, it was done to try and convey what she genuinely meant. "This is a lot of adjustment, I know."

"I - don't know, Anakin." Padmé glanced toward the window herself, for a moment, then back to Anakin specifically. It was something to get her to admit that she had no idea in the least on a matter, but Padmé had a tendency to be able to remove some mental and verbal filters with Anakin. "With the news of Palpatine's betrayal, I've found myself wondering what mistakes I've made. The end conclusion I come to with each point, each time I wonder, is that it's impossible to guess how things would have turned out. I can't guess how events would have unfolded, exactly, if I had changed each detail I find myself thinking of as a possible mistake. But I know it's certainly possible to make mistakes in our lives, to hold regrets"

"May I ask - what makes you think it was a mistake to leave Tatooine?" Padmé had an idea, knowing what had happened with Shmi, but she wanted to confirm it. She also wanted to know if there were any other aspects.

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justasmallfry
2012-09-11 04:44 am UTC (link)

Anakin had returned to silent contemplation. It was difficult to accept he would have time to decide. He hadn’t been given time to decide when Master Qui-Gon offered to take him to the Temple. Master Qui-Gon had left out some important details, like what it would cost Anakin to become a Jedi. The physical training didn’t bother Anakin, it was the eschewing of all emotions he couldn’t do, even though he tried. That was one area in his training he failed again and again.

“It’s not what I was thinking it would be. I can’t do everything they tell me to.”

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i_cannot_follow
2012-09-13 05:25 am UTC (link)

Padmé wasn't the sort to turn anything onto the topic of her, though she certainly did take a moment to reflect on her own life. Perhaps, in a way, this was something she connected with Anakin well on. The pressures and expectations put on both of them to live up to their potential had been great.

"Anakin," Padmé stated gently, looking at the boy, "No one can do everything. Teachers may push us to test those limits, to reach the absolute most we can, but sometimes there are things we just cannot do and that's okay. That's part of existing. We're fallible."

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justasmallfry
2012-09-14 09:32 am UTC (link)

Anakin frowned. Yes, people were fallible, but Jedi weren’t people, they were Jedi. Master Qui-Gon had built up his hopes and expectations of being a Jedi, and had included that one simply almost lie – that he could be one of them. He had abilities beyond what anyone had encountered back home, that, plus a desire, seemed to have been all he needed. At least according to Master Qui-Gon. But when he’d arrived at the Temple he was greeted with impossible for him to meet prerequisites. He was too old, for starters. And then he was too emotional, too angry, too full of fear, and, though unspoken in that first judgment, too full of love. And he wasn’t sure he was willing to give up that last emotion, even if he tried his hardest to give up the first two.

And that was the other thing – trying. There was no try, do or do not.

“There is no try,” he repeated his masters’ saying. “There is do, or do not.” And then he looked down again, caving under the weight of what should have been his self-importance, but was really just false bravado. “There are a lot of things I don’t, uh… do, I guess.”

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i_cannot_follow
2012-09-15 03:02 am UTC (link)

"I - can try to see their opinion in that, but I would disagree." Padmé said after a moment, well aware of who had said it thanks to the Star Wars movies and such. It seemed Master Yoda learned better by the end, but he didn't quite grasp the complexity of the truth in Anakin's time. "I know I've tried to do a great many things. I tried to achieve peace for Naboo, to further the cause of those who didn't have a voice. I wanted, and want, to do a great many things, Anakin. I want to start another career here. There hasn't always been complete success in my endeavors and there never will be. That doesn't make my time spent any less worthwhile."

"Part of people being fallible is - Jedi Masters being fallible as well. They are wise, and I won't argue that, but they aren't always right. Luke teaches things in the New Jedi Order that are different from the old one... that puts Jedi Masters in direct disagreement on teachings." Padmé gently pointed out, giving Anakin an opportunity to question Luke in contrast to the other Jedi Masters he knew. To allow him to consider the sources, to decide who seemed to have their act together as far as their teachings went.

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justasmallfry
2012-09-17 10:06 am UTC (link)

But fear and anger and attachments led to the Dark Side, Anakin had heard that every single day since his arrival at the Temple. For the most part, he understood the restrictions regarding the first two, when you were angry or seized by fear you didn’t always act appropriately. A Jedi needed a clear mind. Even if his emotions sometimes flared up surprisingly hot and got the better of him, he at least understood why. But he couldn’t give up love. He just couldn’t.

For those on the outside, Padmé’s words made sense. They didn’t struggle with avoiding the Dark Side as Jedi did. He didn’t want to do anyone harm, he wanted to help people. But it seemed like a hopeless cause for him that he would always fail at.

“I’m better than that,” he tried to assert, but it rang false to his ears because he knew the truth. “I’m supposed to be,” he dropped his gaze, “I’m not supposed to miss my mother.”

He remembered how, that first night on the voyage to Coruscant from Tatooine, he’d left behind all hindrances to achieving his dreams, save one. Watto was out of his life, the chip imbedded under his skin that all slaves had was deactivated, and a Jedi was taking him right to the Council’s door. But his mother was still on that desert plant, stuck in Watto’s shop, and he had no idea when he would see her again. And his heart ached so much he couldn’t sleep, he couldn’t get warm again. The only person who noticed his discomfort, or understood what he had needed that night had been Padmé. She’d held him close and made him feel, if not healed from the wounds of separation with his mother, at least cared for and safe. Something he had been craving for ever since. If there was one person who understood what he meant, it was Padmé.

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i_cannot_follow
2012-09-17 04:08 pm UTC (link)

Padmé knew the circumstances of where Anakin had come from as well as where he was headed in their universe, perhaps in far more detail than the young man could've predicted since she had watched the movies and "cartoons" and read on the subject. She wished she were able to console him with a handmaiden's robe and a hug; things weren't so easy anymore.

"I don't think that it's being 'better' by not caring. I know not everyone will agree with me, Ani, and that's their right. But if the Jedi don't have people they care about, why do they fight to protect the people? Caring, loving people, gives a whole new strength to tap into." Padmé's words were slow and deliberate, her inflection soft, as she retrospectively thought through a number of events. Part of her felt sorry for Jedi who would never experience anything different, to know better. "You should consider talking to Luke about it, but - I really do think it's okay to miss her."

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