Omni (omni_sama) wrote in lupin_snape, @ 2009-01-07 01:14:00 |
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Current mood: | sleepy |
Entry tags: | fic: pg, holidays: snape's birthday |
Fic: Coward (Birthday Challenge)
Title: Coward
Author: omni (aka rip_von_christ and omni_fabulae on lj)
Rating: PG for some mildly suggestive content?
Challenge: Severus' birthday; prompt = "coward"
Summary: Severus was extremely brave. ...Except maybe when it came to someone in particular.
Disclaimer: I own not the characters, only the words thus written.
Note: I originally wrote a drabble, exactly 100 words. But then I saw that it doesn't have to be a drabble; it can be whatever we like (correct me if I am wrong). So! It grew on me...like...seriously. It just kept...going. I'm so sorry.
Severus Snape was a brave man. It took courage for a Death Eater to go to Dumbledore for help. It took courage to be a double-agent, and to face the Dark Lord with only Occlumency as a shield. It took courage to treat Lily’s child with contempt, all the while being watched by those familiar green eyes. It took courage to kill the only person who had real faith in him, even though that person begged him for death. It took courage to protect the children of Hogwarts while simultaneously pretending to be against them. It took courage to reveal his innermost secrets to the Potter boy, even if he was selective about which parts to show, knowing full well how they would be interpreted.
But, as he lay there on the cold shack floor, alone and abandoned as he teetered on the edge of death, Severus called himself a coward. A coward—the very thing he’d demanded Potter to never deem him. The truth was, when it came to one particular man, Severus always felt cowardly.
There were times when he could have spoken to him, when they were children, but he’d held back because he feared rejection. Even if the other boy would be interested in being his friend, there were three others with whom he’d have to contend. That was a battle he knew he’d lose. He was proven right when, later on in their youth, he’d lost Lily to the juvenile war.
They grew older, and a real war took over their lives. He had encountered the other boy—now a man (or for most of the month, at least)—and yet still held back from interacting in a friendly way. They were on opposing sides. It was like school, yet magnified grotesquely, and there was more at stake than house cup. Besides, he had heard a rumor about the werewolf having taken up with Sirius Black. It didn’t surprise him, but it certainly did not help his already existent doubts.
After the war hit a lull—not an end—they rarely saw each other. It helped him believe he might actually be the brave man Dumbledore told him he was. This confidence was shattered when the werewolf was appointed DADA professor. Things would be different now; Lupin wouldn’t have any of his little friends around him. They were also on the same side, and the wolf would know it. There was nothing to stand in Severus’ way, should he choose to pursue anything, be it friendship or something else. Nothing, that is, except Severus’ own cowardice, and Sirius Black.
At first it was the fear that Black—mad, murdering, escapee Black—would manage his way into Hogwarts and finish off the last of his former gang. Well, of course there was also the fear that he’d kill young Potter, naturally. Then, as Lupin grew progressively more and more chatty with him, there was the fear that he had no earthly idea how to handle things. Lupin helped ease that fear, taking the lead in their budding relationship, until Severus was confident enough to test the boundaries. Sweet words were whispered into his ear that made him feel bold and brave and a fool for not having dared something sooner. The stealth of a spy was put to use for late night visits and early morning returns. If there was any lingering fear, he did his best to ignore it. Severus Snape was no coward. He would not be intimidated by a silly thing like romance. Though…there was a fear that the curse on the DADA position might bring his new lover harm. That was a fear that ate at him, and he spent hours awake, the werewolf warm beside him, as he fretted over a solution.
Later, as he stood beneath an invisibility cloak and watched Lupin and Black embrace, a new, more potent fear unfurled in his gut. A murdering Black he could deal with, afterward being regarded as a hero by his wolf. A framed Black that would instantly find his way back into Lupin’s good graces was quite another matter.
He let them think he was afraid. Afraid for himself, perhaps, but mostly for the children. That was the only reason he had let it slip about Lupin’s condition. After all, Lupin hadn’t taken the potion, as he was supposed to. Obviously the werewolf was a potential and lethal threat to all who inhabited Hogwarts. He let them call him a coward behind his back, just this once. As he stood there, however, looking into the sorrowful eyes of the werewolf-that-was-no-longer-his, he felt it was probably one of the bravest things he had done. Add another sacrifice to the list, he thought, watching Lupin walk away. Whatever it took to protect those he loved. Or their children.
When the Order meetings started up, he dreaded every single one of them. There were many other ways he could spend his evenings other than visiting an old rival’s house, to be reminded that this rival would always have what he wanted. A brave man would not avoid eye contact with Lupin, he told himself. So, he was nothing more than a coward as he looked anywhere but towards Lupin and Black during the meetings. Perhaps it is because his gaze was always elsewhere that he noticed it first, before anyone else. He was not alone in his painful longing for the wolf. She would have no luck with Lupin, however. Not as long as Black was there, clinging to him like a deranged barnacle. Besides, she was quite the wrong gender.
Then, something wonderful happened—Black died. Severus wanted to cheer, but he knew that Lupin would be heartbroken. Mustering what courage he could, he attempted to console the man. He firmly told himself that Lupin was not using him out of grief, but that he truly wanted Severus. Perhaps he was right. Not that it really mattered, because Dumbledore’s new orders would make the entire issue moot.
Spies cannot have lovers. It’s simply too dangerous for all involved. It’s even worse when the spies are to go under deep cover, making it seem that they’ve betrayed their true allies. He tried to tell himself it was another brave sacrifice that he didn’t even give Lupin a warning. Part of him said it was nothing more than fear—even if it was fear for Lupin’s safety, or his own.
Tonks’ luck with Lupin somehow won out, and they were married. When Severus heard of the nuptials, he was dizzy with confusion until he realized how it could have happened. If there was anyone who was more cowardly than he, it was Lupin. The werewolf always needed approval from his friends, and would be a sodden mess of self-pity without it. No doubt this cowardly flaw combined with the shock of Severus’ betrayal was all it took for Lupin to allow himself to be roped into an unwanted marriage.
Many nights Severus would lay there in his cold bed and wonder what Lupin would say if he attempted to talk with him. Would Lupin attack him? Would he summon the rest of the Order, and let them do all the cursing? Would Lupin somehow, miraculously, listen to him? Would it even matter, anymore? Would Lupin be willing to leave a pregnant wife just to carry on…whatever it was they had…at risk of his life?
Cowards are those who only ask “what if,” yet never have the guts to try and see. “What ifs” were all Severus had as the last flicker of life faded within him.
Years after his death, after Potter fought and won to have a portrait of him hung in the Headmaster’s office, the frame of Headmaster Snape would hang empty. He could instead be found at the museum that had been erected to chronicle the war, his portrait among the many in the hall of heroes who had given their lives to the cause. By some interesting twist of fate, his portrait was directly across from Remus Lupin’s. He refused to be a coward in death like he was in life, even if he was merely a painting and not the man himself.
Lupin’s portrait was flanked by the portrait of his wife and the portrait of Sirius Black, no doubt the two people that everyone thought Lupin would want to be surrounded by. Unlike how he had been in life, Severus did not avoid looking at him, so this time he could see how miserable Lupin was despite how he attempted to maintain a smile. Both Tonks and Black seemed determined to be the one who had all of Lupin’s attention. Severus watched as Lupin tried to placate them both, all the while darting attempted covert glances Severus’ way.
“Stop being a coward,” Severus’ portrait said one day, when he had finally had enough of watching the display.
“I… I beg your pardon?” Lupin’s portrait stared across the way at Severus. Tonks looked indignant on Lupin’s part, while Black glared with suspicion.
“Pick. Stop being a coward and pick.”
“What does he mean, Remus?” Tonks’ portrait asked, trying her best to see Remus’ portrait around their frames.
“Yeah, Moony. What does he mean?” Black’s image was doing much the same as Tonks’, though he continued to give Severus the evil eye from time to time, as well.
Paint smirk in place, Severus’ image crossed his arms. “You’ve not told them? Oh my. Mrs. Lupin, meet your cousin Sirius Black, your husband’s former lover.”
While Tonks squawked and Black sputtered, Lupin remained silent, painted eyes aimed straight at Severus. “And what about you?” the werewolf’s portrait asked.
The smirk left, but Severus refused to look away. He was not afraid, even when Tonks and Blacks’ portraits fell silent and focused their attention on him as well. “What about me?” he asked.
“What are you? When it comes to me, what are you?” Lupin’s portrait seemed almost angry now, but just as in life he disguised it with false calm.
“Obviously, not enough. Never enough. The portraits on your left and right are evidence of that.” Perhaps the memories that were used to animate his portrait did not include instances of fear, because Severus felt as brave as the tour guide claimed him to be (and oh, how delicious it was to see Black’s face every time she said it). He did not look away or flee to the safety of his frame in the Headmaster’s office.
“Oh, no, Severus.” Obviously Lupin’s portrait also used braver memories, because none of Severus’ memories recalled him ever being so bold. “You were more than enough. It was never my choosing those times we parted.”
For a long moment, there was silence in the hall. The first words were Severus’, and they were simply “According to portrait magic, we should be able to travel to any other enchanted portrait in the same building, correct?”
This time Lupin’s portrait was the one with the painted smirk. “I believe that is indeed how it works, yes.”
“Well, it seems that my painting includes a table with tea and cakes. Care to come and partake with me, Remus?”
“I’d be delighted, Severus. Be there in a moment.”
The closest way to the end of the hall—and thus the other side—was through Black’s painting, and the mongrel grabbed Lupin’s arm as he passed. “Moony, you can’t be serious! Snivellus?! You’re really going to go—you really—SNIVELLUS? For how long?”
“A while.” Lupin gently pulled free and started to continue on.
“Until when?!” called Tonks’ portrait, trying in vain to see him now.
“As far as I know, until death. Or beyond, quite possibly. I don’t know what the real Remus Lupin is feeling in the afterlife, I only know what his memories within me reveal of his life.” He gave an apologetic shrug and moved out of Black’s frame. “Pardon me, James. Lily. Oh my! I do apologize. I’m just passing through. Hullo, Fred. Excuse me, sir, I just need to get by. Pardon me. Sorry.” Severus listened to Lupin’s continuous apologies as he worked his way through all the paintings, until finally he was squeezing into Severus’ own frame. “Hullo, Severus,” he greeted with a grin.
“And here we have Severus Snape,” the tour guide announced to the first group of the day, the next morning. “The man who Harry Potter himself says is the bravest man he—good lord! Mr. Lupin, is that you?”
It took courage to strike up an old romance with a man whose late wife and dead lover were watching his every move. Severus Snape was many things, but he would not have it be said that he was ever a coward.
“Might as well move his plaque,” Severus informed the guide. “He’ll be staying here, I think.”
---
Fin
(edit: just noticed I had spelled "Moony" two different ways... Fixed now.)