InsaneJournal

it only hurts when I breathe
Who: Aiden and James
Where: Ballard House
When: mid-afternoon

The solution for Aiden’s motel problem had finally presented itself. And it was about damned time, too, if you asked him. Of course comparatively, living in the Budget Lodge was better than living on the streets...but not by much. Aiden had been eager to get out of there the minute he stepped into one of their rooms, and it had only gotten worse. Even someone who was used to bugs and rats and certain smells felt uncomfortable there for long; sometimes he had to be thankful for Lee, who hunted everything in sight like a good dog. The second he had heard of the William Ballard House, willing to give any sort of aid a supernatural being needed, Aiden thought he had found his solution. It was going to be difficult to ask for help; he was a little proud that way. Given it was fair to say he was becoming desperate, though, Aiden didn’t really care for his pride all that much at the moment.

After grabbing some lunch at Anywhere But Here - shitty burgers, but cheap - Aiden made his way over to the William Ballard House, in hopes to finding a much better place for himself and his familiar to sleep everyday. He hadn’t actually brought Lee with him, but it was as important for Aiden that they accepted familiars as it was that they accepted him. Aiden was obviously not moving anywhere without his dog. Before entering, Aiden stood against the wall next to the door finishing a cigarette, as good a weapon as any to quench his nerves. He never really liked to ask anyone for anything after all; it took some preparation.

James’ day could have been decent, save for the fact that it was still pissing rain and she was absolutely sick of it. It had done nothing but rain since she’d arrived in Michigan. She had not been warned for rain (snow, yes, but summertime should be safe enough). The few residents Ballard House had were feeling a little cooped up, and with the flooding downtown, she supposed no one really wanted to do much of anything. She’d spotted a were trying to tactfully slip out for a shift-and-run, and Varick had followed soon after. It didn’t actually sound like a horrible idea. There was nothing she need do at the house, so she could go out, too. Only she didn’t want anyone at the house to catch her shifting. She had come to the state with no intention of trying to pass off as a were - although the upcoming festivities were making the idea quite the temptation. So she’d drive out to the country, don a skin, and no one would ever be any the wiser. Nodding at this decision, she grabbed an umbrella, closed up her office, and headed for the door.

She walked out it, and even managed to close it behind her. The umbrella never quite made it open though. She looked up, and everything else seemed to drop. She was pretty sure she was hallucinating. Aiden Smith would not be standing outside the house. Couldn’t be. So she froze to the spot and stared, wondering why on earth her brain had decided to mutiny today.

The rain was really not helping Aiden any. Not with him trying to smoke, not with his mood, or his courage to just go in and ask for a place to stay. He had his hood pulled up over his head as far as it would go, and at first he didn’t even mind to look up from the ground when he heard the door open. Someone was coming out, and Aiden didn’t really give a crap. It was only when his cigarette reached its end and he tossed it down, stepping on it with his left foot, that he looked to see who was standing there. As he saw her, he felt something indescribable in his stomach, like he had been punched so hard his heart had pumped up some in the process. He blinked, lips parting in shock. Of all the places in all of the world, after all these years, why would she be here? Maybe it was just someone who looked like James, but wasn’t James. It wouldn’t be the first time that he thought he’d seen her out the corner of his eye only to find it really wasn’t her at all.

But Aiden wasn’t looking at her out the corner of his eye now. She was standing right there, in front of him, if a little to the side, and she had to be James, because nobody could look so much like someone else that way. Was he supposed to say something? Did he even want to? Nothing occurred to him, so he just stared back, like he was hallucinating or seeing a very, very powerful ghost. Except he wasn’t scared; he was more confused, even regarding what the fuck he was feeling.

The first time he moved, two things happened inside of James. First, her brain decided that he probably wasn’t a hallucination. The whole hallucination idea had been rather silly, and usually when she saw things from the past, they were the horrible things she didn’t want to see. Aiden would never count as something she didn’t want to see (terrified to see? Yes. Verily. Unwanted? Sadly, no), and so he must have been real. And with that decision came pain. In an instant James felt like her blood had been replaced with ice water, and her heart seized and sputtered, before finally freezing itself. The painful, too-cold sensation slowly traveled through-out her body, reaching even to the tips of her fingers and toes. It hurt, and she rather felt like she could never be warm again. She tried to determine whether or not she still wanted to live, and if not, how desperately soon she needed to figure out her own demise. Running and hiding and having a good cry didn’t sound like such a bad idea.

Sick. That’s what Aiden felt, he felt sick. Some sort of knot had formed in his throat and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to scream, or actually throw up his shitty lunch right then and there. Swallowing hard, he finally managed to look away and shake his head. Half of him stupidly hoped that when he looked back she wouldn’t be there, and he could lick his wounds and go back to his business relatively unscathed, if perturbed. But of course that wasn’t going to happen. She was still there, he could feel her presence, and as he moved his eyes in her direction just to make sure, he got confirmation. Aiden also felt like shit, he had come to realize in the meantime. There was such a weight on him that it was almost too much; he felt as if he was going to fall on his knees at any moment. And still, Aiden had absolutely no idea what to say, or if he even wanted to say anything. He really just wanted to get the fuck away from there, actually. somehow, however, his legs showed no sign of moving any time soon. His whole being felt frozen, now that he thought of it. Frozen and beaten, and Aiden really wanted to rip himself apart just so he wouldn’t have to feel anything of the sort.

James didn’t really care much to live, she hadn’t for some time. That was not news. There had been a time when she could choose between living and dying, and she’d chosen living. She had Shit To Do. People to kill. Same difference. In the meantime, there were people to help, so she was just going to have to suck it up and remain committed to living. Her first real thought? Oh shit, oh shit, I left him, I told him I’d come back, he’s going to be so pissed, shit shit fuckshit... There was more, but it became less coherent with every passing second. She realized she was still standing there, frozen to the spot, about to open her umbrella. She felt... well, a great many things, but the newest addition to the clusterfuck was ‘stupid’. Yeah, pretty damn stupid. She straightened a little, letting her arms drop to her sides. The umbrella was completely forgotten. The rain suddenly suited her mood just fine. She didn’t know what he was doing here (she barely knew what she was doing here at this precise moment in time), but she knew someone had to do or say something. Otherwise her heart might just explode. Without even realizing she did it, she put her hand over her heart at the thought. Shitfuck shit shit... “...hi, Aiden.” Oh, fucking brilliant.

That’s right; she had left him. But in truth, Aiden hadn’t even been thinking about that, overwhelmed as he was with the immense sadness and clusterfuck of other feelings of seeing her again after all that had happened. After she had left without a word, sure, but Aiden’s thought process hadn’t really gotten there yet. He also felt pretty damn stupid to just be standing there without saying or doing anything; however, he still could not think of anything to do or say, and for now just standing there staring and feeling like utter shit would have to do. Things changed when she spoke. He narrowed his eyes as his heart raced. After all that time, after leaving without saying one word and leaving him feeling like the useless sack of nothing he’d always known he was, with the added bonus of worrying about what had actually happened and if there was something he would have done to find her...She had said hi. Swallowing hard, Aiden kept his frown in place as he became more and more aggravated. Now his thought process had caught up: She had left. And now she was here. And the first thing she had thought to say, was hi. Like someone tells a friend they haven’t seen in a day, maybe a week. Not years. Not after leaving like that. Aiden found himself shaking his head slowly, though he wasn’t sure why. “James.” He finally managed, and the word came out of his mouth like a low growl of sorts. You left, you fucking left me and I sat there fucking crying for you, you owe me more than this, he thought, but the words couldn’t quite come out. Not yet anyway.

...There wasn’t really anywhere to go from there, was there? ‘What are you doing here?’ Yeah, no. Not so much. James knew she had no right to ask that. Worse, to say it she knew she’d feel too much like it meant she’d avoided him - as petty and insignificant to the truth of it as that was. ‘How are you?’ Why, trying not to kill her, of course. Best not press that one. There wasn’t really anything she could say. She couldn’t fathom why he wasn’t screaming at her already. She figured she had that coming. Actually, she might feel better if he did. Breeding told her she needed to grow the fuck up and invite him in. Her survival sense disagreed with this notion. The remaining softness left in James... just wanted to hug him - and that was a horrifying thought. With dawning dread she realized everything was still there. She’d been desperately trying to pretend it wasn’t. Well, fuck. She had to say something. Anything. The silence was killing her, and leaving her mind to its own devices was the worst idea ever. All the things she wanted to say, she didn’t even want to admit to herself. Everything left seemed cheap and pointless. She opened and closed her mouth several times, trying to force any words to come out. It didn’t work as well as she had hoped.

Somehow Aiden had expected James to say something else. He really had been expecting it, and when the silence just went on and on after he had said her name (which felt like knives into his heart, by the way), Aiden looked away again. He was confused once more though now he was even more trying not to burst into flames, a scenario which seemed very plausible at the moment, rain and all. He didn’t notice his hands closing into fists, either. At some point, he had started grinding his teeth. These were all things he hadn’t been aware of when they happened, only a bit later. He knew he was angry, however. That had been hard not to notice. After a while, Aiden said the only thing he could possibly say and throw all caution to the wind. It might very well start a fight, and this wasn’t exactly the place for that kind of thing, but he couldn’t hold it in any more. “You left.” He accused, just shy of sneering visibly.

She realized the word she’d been attempting to get out was ‘sorry’. James also realized that it may have been a good thing it never came out. She couldn’t imagine it being well-received. She looked down when he spoke, finding that hearing the truth hurt. Yes, she had done that. She nodded. “I meant to come back,” she replied, her voice only a soft murmur. “I told myself I was coming back. By the time I was ready to, I...” She frowned, staring down at a point in the walk where the sidewalk was cracked. It bothered her, and she found this was a good thing to focus on. She did not think her excuses - that was what they were, after all - were something he’d like hearing. But he probably deserved to. A lot more than that, actually. She wasn’t really thinking about how things had been rather hellish when she left. That seemed very far away. “I think I convinced myself that you wouldn’t want me to. I chickened out.” She hadn’t wanted to risk being rejected. She was feeling very stupid again. “I should have, though. It wasn’t right.” Sorry, darling, I had people to hunt down. Lives to take. Never found them, but I tried. Made a few new skins instead. Yeah, that’d go over well.

Sorry wouldn’t have been the best thing to say, she was right about that. Aiden was looking at her intently, expecting her excuses, reasons, anything. Now that he had found her, albeit accidentally, he wanted to know. Even if the answer was ‘I got tired of you and your shit’, he needed that answer. His eyes widened at the first thing she said, but Aiden wasn’t sure if he believed it. When James paused, he sighed, shaking his head. She was lying. Even if she wasn’t, he couldn’t bring himself to think otherwise. She had never meant to come back, maybe she had never even meant to lay eyes on him again. It was a lot easier to leave than people thought. And it was a hell of a lot harder to stay. Especially when he had no inclination that she might leave, however horrible things might have been. Somehow Aiden had always thought she would at least say something. “Yeah, it’s easier to think that way, I suppose. Are you lying to yourself or just me?” He blurted out. As far as Aiden was concerned even if James ever had the intention of coming back, she hadn’t because she didn’t want to deal with his reaction. It made more sense than to think he might not want her back. “No, no it wasn’t.” He was angry, and it showed, even if he hadn’t raised his voice. He shook his head again. “You could have at least said something, even if you didn’t want to look at my face again.” It would save him the hopelessness of wondering if she was even alive.

James wished he would raise his voice. Maybe if he’d start yelling at her and calling her names and really laying into her, she could get a good self-righteous rage going right back at him. All her instincts were screaming that she needed to man up (for lack of a better term) and show some fucking breeding. She couldn’t. She wanted to curl up inside herself and stay there a while. “I wanted that very much,” she disagreed. “I just didn’t trust myself around it.” She winced slightly at the words, not even liking the feel of them. That last fight had been bad, one of the few that truly scared her, and when Patrick had tried to talk her into leaving, she hadn’t had the mental strength to make up excuses anymore. “I don’t like what I did or how I did it, and maybe I am lying to myself a little, but something worse could have happened if I stayed. At least, I believed that at the time. My head wasn’t clear, and that was the goal. To find some clarity.” Her frown deepened. Funny thing, that. She’d never gotten any. Why did she only realize that now?

Even Aiden himself didn’t get why he wasn’t screaming, accusing her, telling her everything he’d bottled up all this time. He just couldn’t, for some reason, and it was pissing him off even more. He really did feel like he was going to catch on fire in a minute. Maybe it would make him feel better, actually. Scoffing, Aiden looked away again at her answer, shaking his head. He knew how bad things had gotten; it didn’t excuse her silence. She had always been free to leave, just not leave him hanging. What would that accomplish? The only reason to do something like that was to make him suffer, so Aiden had to conclude that’s what she had wanted. And there was no reason for him to hold that in anymore, since she was right here. “That doesn’t change anything, James. I know damn well how things were, it doesn’t mean you had to leave me hanging. You could have just left a fucking note, not leaving me in the balance looking like some knob wondering if you were ever coming back, if you were alive, where the fuck you’d gone off to. You didn’t even need to tell me where you were, just that you were gone.” Now his voice had raised a little, but nothing like what he was capable of. If anything, it sounded lower and raspier, since he wasn’t exactly screaming. “Yeah? Well I bloody well hope you got all the clarity you needed.” He spat, shaking his head again. “Did finding clarity for your head involve fucking with mine so thoroughly, though? Because you fucking did.”

His anger didn’t help her, the way she had thought it would. She didn’t feel any better about anything. She felt worse. At the same time, she knew she deserved every word, and perhaps that helped her to keep still and silent. She wanted to cry, and that was something that she just wasn’t allowed to do. She hadn’t cried in years. Crying didn’t fix anything - in the end, it only made her feel weaker. She’d always hated girls who cried during fights, anyway. It felt manipulative. Like attempting to play the fragile damsel card. “There was no clarity,” she replied. “Lying to myself, remember? Every day things just got cloudier.” She sighed. She wanted to tell him about the hundreds of times she’d picked up a phone to call him and had never managed to say a word, hanging up before it was even answered. She didn’t feel she had the right to even hint that she had suffered, too. Offhandedly, she wondered what the wards on the grounds would do if he set something on fire. It had been explained to her very carefully by the witch that had done it. There were a lot of qualifiers to trigger a backlash. She knew any offensive attacks were warded against, but little else. James didn’t want people coming here for help, only to feel like they couldn’t use their powers at all. Now, she wished she hadn’t ordered any at all. If he lashed out, she didn’t want some magic he didn’t even know existed hurting him. This thought in her mind made her a little angry. How fucking pathetic. Find your backbone. Stop acting like a wounded dog.

She sighed and shifted slightly, suddenly realizing she’d only been half-standing under any cover. Her right side was drenched, her left fine. This is stupid, she told herself, and while she wasn’t convinced, she was going to pretend she was. “Aiden, you have every right to be angry, and a lot of other things, too. I’ve got it all coming, and worse I reckon, but I’d like you to come inside.” Oh yeah, he was going to love that suggestion. Fuck it, he wasn’t a fan of anything she had to say. “You can say everything there is to say, and I welcome it, but let’s do it in a dry place.” Away from prying ears.

Somehow, Aiden felt just a tad avenged by the idea that James had never really found what she’d been looking for when she left. Even so, something else was much stronger inside him. He sighed, looking as wounded as he felt for the first time in that conversation. “Then why didn’t you come back?!” He blurted out, cursing himself afterwards for not holding it in. She didn’t need to see his weaknesses, not any more than she already had. He rubbed his forehead, visibly frustrated. Good on her for acknowledging my right to be angry he thought, anger mixing with sarcasm. The idea of going into that place with her didn’t sit right with him at all, however. “What? No. No, we’re not going to have a nice little chat over some tea, James.” He shook his head vehemently. “Oh, a dry place? Are you worried about my well being or just afraid you might catch a cold?” He didn’t have it in himself to be anything more than biting right now. And he absolutely refused to go anywhere with her. In fact, living there didn’t really seem like an option anymore. Not when even if she didn’t work there, even in she never came back to that place, all he would be able to think about would be how she had been there once. He’d rather have his peace disturbed by the rats, bugs and shady dealings in the adjacent rooms than this.

James looked up at him again, and promptly wished she hadn’t. She hated that wounded look on his face more than anything, and somehow managed to hate the fact that she had put it there even more. Something small inside of her snapped, however, and she was finally able to respond in a tone more befitting her character. “Because I’m a fucking coward, okay?!” she snapped right back. “Think what you will, we both know that’s the truth.” She hated saying it - she was not supposed to be a coward - but it’s what she had been. “Whatever I convinced myself at the time, I think I know why I didn’t go back now, and I don’t like what it says about me. I still suffered every day for it, so I hope you enjoy that much at least. I missed you desperately, you dumb shit, and had I gone back one of two things would have happened. I would have forgotten why I had ever been angry in the first place and begged you to take me back, and it all would have started all over again, or you would have sent me away. And I was nowhere near strong enough to deal with the latter. I think I could handle anything fucking but.” Well. This was going splendidly. She wasn’t yelling yet, but she recognized That Tone in herself. She frowned at his response to her request. Stubborn git. Fine. They were having this out on her front porch. Why the fuck not.

Aiden scoffed yet again at her admittance of cowardice. He wasn’t sure if it was just her old lack of self esteem talking, or if she was pulling the ‘pity me now that I’ve turned this around on myself’ card; either way, it was stupid. He shook his head yet again when she told him she hoped he enjoyed knowing she suffered for being away. It didn’t change much of anything. Other people’s pain did nothing to heal his own, he had learned that a long while ago. Then again, much like fire itself, Aiden liked it when pain spread like that, even if he knew it didn’t help him any. His mind had always worked like that, not always making a whole lot of sense. Aiden then realized he didn’t know what to say to that. He couldn’t assure her he would have taken her back; it all had to do with how things were done had she gone back at all. All he knew was that however bad things were, they were better with her presence than without it. That, he couldn’t deny himself. Being left desperately alone after thinking he never had to go through that again had taken its toll on him. At least when she was around, even when they fought he felt something for someone, and he knew someone felt something for him. That someone was there, for better or worse. “Point still fucking stands.” He finally retorted. “You could have told me anything. Anything at all. Even a bloody text just saying ‘I’m leaving, goodbye’ would’ve been better than fuck all.” He wasn’t sure she realized just how shitty it had felt to be left alone without warning.

James recognized her slow-burning rage was already dying out again. Dammit, rage was supposed to be her default go-to. He wasn’t supposed to be able to defeat it with a look or a tone. She looked away, and after distantly realizing there was no point in it now, tossed her umbrella aside and wrapped her arms around herself for warmth. Despite the summer humidity and general misery of the clash of heat and rain, she still felt like she’d never be warm again. “Yeah,” she said, her voice feeling hollow. I would have had to face it myself, though. Coward. “I’d like to think if I had it to do over again, I would have done things differently. I can’t guarantee I would have, though. I don’t like it, but it’s true. My mind does some fucked up shit when left to stew. I don’t think I can say anything on the situation you’d like. Probably nothing I even have the right to say. I’m sorry, Aiden. You may never believe that, but I am. I regretted it some days so much that it hurt to breathe, but I convinced myself I was doing the right thing. I tried to convince myself of a lot of other things, too. Some worked, some didn’t. I...” She made a noise of frustration and trailed off. Even if she meant what she was saying, it still all felt very cheap. She wanted to go back to him yelling at her. That was easier. But she was afraid that if she just kept quiet and took it he’d tire of it and leave. She wasn’t ready for that yet.

When James wrapped her arms around herself, there were a few seconds in which Aiden wanted to wrap his arms around her to keep her warm; that didn’t last long, however. Firstly because he was feeling as shitty as she was, if not more, since the rain was very much not his friend; and secondly because he wasn’t done with all the negative feelings he had for her at the moment, by a long shot. “Points for honesty, I guess...” He shrugged. He felt broken and empty, as if suddenly things she said didn’t matter anymore. “Yeah, well. You weren’t.” Not as far as he was concerned, anyway. The right thing was never to leave without a word; unless someone deserved it. Maybe James thought he’d deserved it. Maybe he had. He didn’t even remember properly anymore. It was something that she had said she was sorry, but it didn’t help him in any way. The pain was still all there, it wouldn’t go away just like that. If it ever would.

He was sort of dripping wet at the moment, and feeling so miserable he might cry. “Look, I feel like shit right now. If you want to keep talking I suppose I’ll have to go inside, if not I’m just going to go.” Never mind he had once, not an hour ago, wanted to live here. Not anymore. Fuck that.

For a moment, James wasn’t sure she heard him right. She was still waiting for him to scream, set something on fire, and storm off. She blinked at him, nodded, and turned to open the door. She kept dealing with the nagging little fear that he’d bolt when she turned her back, and she almost breathed a sigh of relief when she turned and saw he was still there. She held the door open and waited for him, glad to see no one around. She didn’t think she could face anyone else just yet. Patrick is going to flip the fuck out, she thought. Well, let him. She couldn’t bring herself to care about that right now.

Taking a very deep breath, Aiden pushed himself forward into the house, and it felt like it had taken him all his strength just to do as much. Part of him had hoped James would conclude she didn’t have anything else to talk about, and he could go home. Or back to his room. Aiden didn’t have a home, and apparently that would be a long time coming. Once inside, Aiden waited for her, feeling as uncomfortable as he looked, not to mention wet and miserable. What a shitty fucking day, on all counts. It was ridiculous, these things never spaced out one in each day; everything shitty had to happen all at once. A thought occurred to him then. “Wait, do you live here?” He asked her. Now that would be fucking brilliant. It’s the motel forever, mate. Learn to love it. He thought.

For another minute she just stared at him, the question charging her brain a bit. What was he doing here? Her heart fell. He came here because he needed help. She wanted to cry again. “...I”m just staying while it gets off the ground. I never stay in one place for long,” she mumbled, looking away and closing the door. “William Ballard was my uncle. The house I grew up in, he was always opening up to strangers.” She couldn’t bring herself to say ‘I own the place’. She was too ashamed for leaving him all over again. “I wanted to do something for him.” She had to do at least one good thing, considering the massive stain on the world she was otherwise leaving. She headed through the hall in the direction of her office, looking back over her shoulder and nodding at him to follow her.

Aiden had to fight the urge to add ‘Clearly’ to James’ admittance that she didn’t stay in one place for long. Instead, he just nodded, feeling more numb than anything; even when he began piecing things together and became quite sure that James owned this place. He didn’t have an opinion, not really. He supposed it was nice of her to do something in memory of her uncle that also helped others. At the same time, he wanted to kick himself for being here. Surely she had had time to figure out that he was here to ask for help. Aiden followed her anyway, all the while wanting desperately to bolt and never see her again. He would leave Scarlet Oak, leave his friends behind, if he had to. If it meant forgetting all this, or trying to. Maybe he could do that. If he explained, Jay and Will would understand, surely. Drawing a deep breath, Aiden kept up his pace after James, wondering just why the fuck he wasn’t running in the opposite direction right about now. It made no sense. He felt like he should have said something to keep her words from falling into emptiness, but nothing occurred to him. So, he just followed.

James was trying to talk herself into finding a way to hate him, but she believed this to be impossible, and accepted that. It would have been easier, though. Instead, she was piecing together why he was here, and knowing he’d never in a million years let her help. That might have bothered her more than anything else. Her mind was racing at what she could possibly do, too stubborn to give up.

She had two options of where to lead him where no one would bother them (and that part felt very important, lest she end up losing her shit and accidentally catching a resident in the crossfire of a thrown object). One option, her bedroom, was out of the question. No fucking way. Her office it was. She unlocked the door and stepped inside, finding no comfort in the room she usually loved. She took off her jacket and tossed it in the corner without ceremony - an act rather unlike her, she usually took great pride in her office. It didn’t seem to matter right now. She headed to a small closet where she stashed things she sometimes needed after a shift. Grabbing a towel, she turned and wordlessly held it out to Aiden. She couldn’t look at him. She stared down at the floor instead, suddenly wishing that once in a fucking while she didn’t dress like the bastard child of a hipster and a bag lady. All black, button-up top sheer save for a few places, black skirt, black boots. She felt very plain. Why the fuck does that matter? Great. Not only am I a coward one, I’m a shallow one, too.

An office. James had her own office. And it looked good, too. Now Aiden really wanted to leave. What the fuck was he doing here anyway? Seeing how well off she was, much better than him, how she’d made it so fucking well without him? He didn’t need this shit. He had always known she was better than him at most things. Smarter, more educated, less prone to daily drunkenness. He just stood there in the middle of the room, trying to gather strength in his legs to turn around and get the fuck out of there. Somehow, though, he couldn’t quite bring himself to doing it. Instead, when she handed him the towel, Aiden took it, muttering a “Thanks” as he did, and proceeded to drying up his face, hands, and not much else. Everything else was covered in damp clothes after all. “This your office then?” He finally asked, handing her the towel back. It wasn’t that he wasn’t impressed, he was. That was the problem. Maybe she had been right in leaving him, there was nothing there for either of them. Aiden had always known it was pointless to aspire to much more than a job that paid the rent, but James was different. She had skills. Aiden felt inadequate, and inwardly refused to ask for help, nevermind accept it. No, he would sleep on the streets again before he came here. Fuck this, he thought, sighing in frustration.

James dropped the towel in the corner with her jacket. She’d deal with the mess later. She felt so very tired. And the knowledge that he needed help he’d never take from her was driving her insane. She didn’t ask why he was here - she’d figured that out on her own. And hated like hell she’d been too wrapped up in her own shit to piece it together earlier. She began to pace, caught herself doing it, and leaned against the wall, partially turned in towards him. Still at a safe distance, of course. She was afraid that if she got too close to him he would bolt. And if she did, she’d go after him. And then... fuck if she knew. She couldn’t let this go, though. It felt like forever that things were silent, no sound but for the rain - which seemed to be thunderously loud now that they were inside. She hadn’t noticed it at all out on the front step. “I’d leave if you wanted me to,” she said, very quietly. She hadn’t meant to say anything, she was still thinking, but it came out anyway. “I won’t ask what you’re doing in this town, hell, even this country. I have no right to ask. But whatever it is... I’d leave, if you wanted me to.” She wondered if he’d take help from the shelter if she wasn’t here. Probably not. Dammit.

Aiden didn’t dare move from where he was standing, like a stupid fucking statue of sorts. He felt extremely out of place, and once again had to ask himself why he didn’t just leave. What James said didn’t make a lot of sense to him at first, and caused for him to turn his head abruptly towards her, frowning deeply again. “What?” He asked, but then she continued, so he kept silent. What she was saying still made no sense. If anything he had more reasons to leave and fewer to stay. She had all this, she was helping people in memory of her uncle. It was important. He could hunt anywhere, he supposed. With or without his friends. “Are you saying that so I’ll say I would too and you can ask me to fuck off out of Scarlet Oak?” He asked, turning to face her completely. “I don’t have much here or anywhere.” He shrugged. “But to be honest I don’t like being kicked out. Though I guess if this town is too small for both of us, or something, I’d have less to lose by going.” Meaning, if she insisted, he would go. But he would make sure she knew just how shit it was of her to ask him to go.

James made a strangled sound of frustration. Why did he have to take everything she said in the worst possible way? Gee, I fucking wonder. “No. No, Aid, that’s not what I meant at all.” She shortened his name without even thinking about it. Old habits died hard, and they were alarmingly easy to pick back up again. She never even noticed she did it. “I meant...” She gestured lamely. “I’ve been here a few days. I don’t belong here anymore than I do... well, anywhere I’ve ever been, I guess. I meant simply what I said. If it was too hard for you to have me in town, I’d go. I’ve done enough damage. I’m a little paranoid that you’re going to bolt any second and leave town and...” Huh. And she had no excuse for why she didn’t want him to do that. She just... didn’t. She knew with alarming clarity that if he ran, she’d follow. First she’d run from him, and now she didn’t want to let him out of her sight. Bringing the crazy extra hard today, brain. Thanks so much. God forbid you space it out through-out the week.

At the sound of his old nickname, Aiden narrowed his eyes. What the fuck was she doing using pet names right now? They weren’t friends. Truth be told, Aiden didn’t know what they were, if anything, but it bothered him. And it bothered him more than he liked to hear her say it, even if it was the shittiest pet name he had ever heard. He sighed through his nose very slowly, setting his jaw, but said nothing. Crossing his arms over his chest, Aiden listened to the rest of what she had to say, and then shrugged. “What’s it to you?” He simply couldn’t figure out why James would be so darn paranoid about him leaving the second she turned around. It shouldn’t matter to her. She was the one who had brought up the possibility of leaving in the first place, like somehow she didn’t think they could both live in the same town without it exploding eventually.

On second thought, maybe she had a point there. But still, if they didn’t seek each other out, what did it matter? She would be here, Aiden would be at the motel and the bar, and all would be well. If they saw each other on the street they could very well turn away or change sides on the sidewalk. “Look, you’ve got some important things going on. All I’ve got are two people I work with and a dog who talks to me, and not much else. I could take Lee and go anywhere, if you think it’s best.” He shrugged. “But I don’t see why we can’t just keep in our corners and forget this ever happened.” Easier said than done, he knew that very well; but hunting was all he had to make him feel the least bit important in the grand scheme of things. At least in Scarlet Oak he had things more or less established, though he hadn’t told James that. He could pick up and go hunt somewhere else, take Will and Jay or go by himself...But he kind of felt safer here, now that he knew this place fairly well.

He hadn’t figured that out, then. James was already well aware of it. In theory, he was right. Keep to themselves, mind their own damn business, pretend it didn’t hurt. She knew she’d fail. She’d seek him out, and never be able to stay away. Probably best he hadn’t figured that out. She was ready to object, insist that nothing she did was really important, it was only killing time until she found something she needed, and the mention of a talking dog distracted her. “You have a familiar?” she asked, despite herself. Blink. “Who is Lee?” None of your fucking business, bitch, that’s who. Dammit. If it was a girl she was going to be absolutely impossible to live with for the next... oh, forever.

And apparently he had to just keep talking. He said things like that, and James heard herself speaking despite the knowledge that she very desperately needed to shut the ever living fuck up. “I’d try for a bit, but I think I’d fail. I think I’d try to reach out to you. I don’t reckon I have much in the way of willpower left when it comes to you anymore.”

Nodding, Aiden gave a hint of a smile as James’ two questions overlapped so much, and she had no idea. “Lee is my familiar. I rescued him from a dog fighting ring a while ago. One day he just started talking to me. Saying all these things about how he had come to protect and help me with things to come.” He had no idea why he was telling her all this; she had only asked who it was, the short answer would have sufficed. Aiden looked away. “He’s family.” The only one Aiden had, even. If not for Lee, his life would be infinitely more miserable.

Feeling himself deflate as James spoke, Aiden just sighed, hanging his head. He didn’t understand why she kept saying these things. “You had willpower enough to leave me and never come back, call or write. It can’t be that hard.” And yes, it hurt him to say that, almost as much as it had hurt him to hear James say she would try to seek him out due to her lack of willpower to stay away. It hadn’t been a problem when it had mattered, so why now? He finally raised his head to look at her, a pained look on his face. “So, what? One of us has to leave? Fine, Jamie, I’m off. Alright? You keep doing the good you’re doing to everyone, I can do my bit anywhere. I have no roots.” He shrugged, and turned to the door. This was it. He was going to leave and never look back, and drink himself stupid for the next week so he wouldn’t think about her, and thing it would hurt a little less each time. He had done this once, he could do it again.

Even that little hint at a smile made James’ heart flutter and hurt all at once. Bloody hell, how did he still have that effect on her? Weren’t things like that supposed to dull with time? She listened to him talk about his familiar - who happened to share a name with her, and why no, she was absolutely not going to allow herself the vanity of exploring that thought, not now anyway - and softly smiled back, biting her bottom lip as she did. “I’m glad you have him.” And she was. It was a small comfort. She hated the idea of him being alone. Part of her had always wished he’d find some girl that would make him happy in the way she never could. Of course, had he, James might have hunted her down and killed her, but that was an entirely different matter.

His words hurt. It wasn’t necessarily that he said it - it was that they were true. True enough, anyway. “I called,” she said quietly. “You just never heard my voice. Coward, remember?” She frowned and looked down at the floor. “Then the number got disconnected, and I didn’t know where to find you. I figured it was for the best.” And out of nowhere, he was calling her Jamie, and it had a very physical effect on her. She hated that name, and he was probably the only one who ever got away with it. She’d always bitched when he called her that in the past, and now she realized how terribly she’d missed it. She felt like the air had been driven from her lungs with the weight of it. She realized, with great terror and anxiety, that her eyes were watering. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuckfuckfuckfuck- He was leaving. That made her move. She crossed the distance between them without thinking and grabbed his arm. “Please, don’t go.”

That smile. And the cute little lip biting thing she did. He felt like he had been punched in the actual zone where his heart resided in his chest at the sight. Aiden’s eyes widened immensely then, though his expression seemed more like he was in pain than he was endeared. When James revealed she had called, he snorted, shaking his head as he looked down. “I didn’t know, did I? It’s all the same to me, James, you have to know that much. I never even heard the phone ringing.” He looked up, straight into her eyes, looking tired and sad all at once. It wasn’t for the best, never knowing if she was alright or why exactly she had left had never been the best. Aiden didn’t say anything, though; he figured his expression spoke for itself.

Aiden hadn’t been expecting James to actually grab his arm. He turned around abruptly, locking eyes with her, only then realizing she seemed to be tearing up. Pain all over his face, he gave her a questioning look. What do you want from me? he thought, but for some reason, couldn’t bring himself to ask. James had not been standing this close in so long, it almost felt like another life. Aiden looked down at her hand gripping his arm, and then back up into her eyes, but remained in silence. In fact, he could hardly breathe at the moment, air filled his lungs but he didn’t let any of it out. It was as though he had frozen in time somehow.

Mentally, James was screaming at herself. She hadn’t thought about what she was doing, she’d just done it. She was flailing badly, and didn’t know what to do or what that sick subconscious part of her that took over had meant to do next. She saw the look he gave her, and she knew what it meant, but she didn’t know the fucking answer. What did she want? She didn’t know! She felt like she’d been on auto-pilot. She’d worked herself into a routine; it was not a happy routine, but comfortable enough, and had been working. She was quite certain she couldn’t go back to it now. It had taken her years to figure her shit out and make do without him, she didn’t know that she could do it again. She still didn’t know what she wanted. Well you better figure it out fast, dumbass, he’s going to leave if you don’t. He’ll probably leave if you do, if he has any brains at all. She couldn’t look at him. Her damned eyes wouldn’t stop watering, and they threatened to spill at any moment. She refused. James Lee did not cry anymore. “I don’t want it to end like this,” she finally forced out, not at all caring for the choked quality to her voice. “I made this mistake once, and I don’t want to make it again. Things will be much easier if you can hate me, and I feel like you should for both our sakes, and yet I can’t bear the thought of it at the same time.” I’m insane. Why did they ever let me out?

Aiden should have pushed her hand away, turn around and get on with leaving. Leaving Ballard House, leaving Scarlet Oak. For good. But he hadn’t, and now here they were. She couldn’t even look at him and the knot on his throat had come back, stronger than ever. He felt the tears about ready to come streaming out and it shocked him. How long had it been since he had shed one single tear? All it took was for James to tell him she didn’t want it to end like this. He didn’t even know what she meant by that. Some part of him liked to know she couldn’t bear the thought of him hating her. And what was worse, if he hated her this would all have been much easier. If he had learned to hate her back then, he would probably be healed now. But no, it wasn’t quite that. At least not entirely. “You can’t do this to me.” He said, barely above a whisper, trying so hard to fight back the tears that he felt like his head might explode. “What do you want?!” He pleaded. He actually pleaded, taking a hand to her chin and lifting it so she would look at him again.

The pain his voice brought on this time settled mainly in her stomach. James thought it felt like being stabbed, and then having someone twist the knife. Funny, that had actually happened to her a few times. She didn’t remember it being this bad. It had felt kind of like relief then, because she’d been sure it was almost over. She didn’t want it to be over now. I can’t. I can’t do this to him, it’s not fair. I left, I can’t declare do-over and beg for a second chance. It’s not right. And then he was forcing her to look at him, and that broke her. There were tears in his eyes. She couldn’t breathe. She was shaking with tension, until her own tears finally spilled over with a soft, strangled sound. “You,” she blurted out, hating herself for it even as she said it. If he wasn’t going to hate her, she could do that well enough for the both of them. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” She didn’t know what else to say, and she fixated on that. It might have come out a few more times - she was too numb to her own voice, and it was too hard to hear it over the way she was screaming at herself in her mind.

She was shaking, and Aiden didn’t know what to do. This was wrong, everything was wrong with this day. He should have just left, he knew that. Each second he spent standing here convinced him more of that fact. He had pushed her for an answer, for anything, and yet nothing could have prepared him for the answer James actually gave. His face hardened with shock, Aiden opened his mouth and open it stayed. After all this, and she was saying she wanted him?! Now, after all this time? He couldn’t believe it. It was both the best and worst thing he had ever heard anybody say to him. Worst of all, Aiden didn’t know just how to respond. “What-” His voice faded even before he could get a sentence out. He took a breath, then another. “What the fuck d’you mean by that?” Surely she couldn’t just want to try again, as if they were in some stupid movie or love song. After everything she had said even today, surely she didn’t want to wipe it all clean and start over. Neither one of them could do that, she should know that by now.

There was yet something much worse than all of this, and that was the fact that Aiden had to exercise immense control not to pull her in for a kiss the moment her answer had come out. It scared him that she could have such an effect on him still. Maybe deep down she would always be able to do anything she pleased with him and he would never be able to just walk away, much like he hadn’t been able to do today. He should have walked away. Her hold on his arm shouldn’t be a hold on his being as well.

He was asking for her to think, and to give him an answer, and she still didn’t fucking know how. She was trying desperately to pull it together, but the fucking dam had broken, and hard. She was actually shaking and crying, for fuck’s sake. Breathe, she told herself. So she tried, but it was too shaky for her liking. “I’ll never ask you to forgive me,” she said. “I swear I won’t. I don’t expect you to. But...” Oh Jesus, I’m insane. Why is he still here? She was trying desperately to reconcile herself to the fact that she had no right in the world to ask for any of the things she wanted. But there was no way to get them otherwise. There was worse than that, actually. Even if she did ask for him to take her back, like this was some stupid movie in which the world didn’t suck, she couldn’t imagine that he actually would. So why bother? She realized, somewhere in the back of her mind, she felt like she had to. She had to try everything, she couldn’t keep it to herself this time. If this was it and they never saw each other again, at least he’d have a better idea of how she felt. That would count for something? No, it won’t. You’re a selfish cunt. She needed the ability to turn her brain off. It wasn’t helping. “You were the only good thing, Aid. You made me feel like the world was a little less crueler just for being there. I can’t change what I did, but I wish I could. In the past few years I’ve never felt anything close to the way I felt with you. I want another chance. I don’t deserve it or expect it, but that’s what I want. I want you.”

It was the hardest thing in the world to watch her shake and cry like that. Another reason for Aiden to beat himself up over not having left when he absolutely should have. This could only get worse, and he wouldn’t have the guts to just leave her broken like that any time soon. At some point while she spoke he stopped having the strength to hold back the tears, and they started flowing freely down his cheeks, though he made no sound. He was just standing there, looking at her and waiting - God knew what for. He felt broken as she went on, as she seemed genuinely sorry for leaving the way she had. Aiden started shaking his head, closing his eyes to keep the tears from blurring his vision. “Oh, fuck.” He mumbled, still shaking his head, snivelling all over the place like a kid with a scraped knee. How could he say no? All he ever wanted was to have her back, and he should just keep in mind that what they had was poisoned; it could be very good and then turn extremely bad very fast. Knowing things and acting upon them was something very different, however. When presented with James’ answer, Aiden knew he should have just said no and walked away. Leave it at that, go home, get drunk, leave town in the morning. Then why wasn’t he going? Why wasn’t he moving? Why was he still crying, most of all, feeling pathetic and broken all at once? The hand that had been on her chin, unmoving, went up and Aiden’s fingers entwined with James’ hair softly. He swallowed hard and discovered he didn’t have the heart or balls to walk away anymore. If he ever had, that is. Instead, Aiden pulled her in and wrapped the other arm around her. He sighed. This felt so wrong and right at the same time, that it was insane. They were insane.

Oh, Jesus, no. James couldn’t deal with him crying. Or knowing that she did that to him. Every pain she’d felt and slowly become accustomed to over the course of the night hit her all at once all over again and she choked back a sob, reaching up to wipe his tears with both thumbs. “Don’t cry...” she whispered, miserable. “I’m so sorry.” They were insane. Absolutely certifiable. And yet James was retreating further and further into a realm of deep denial. They could try. Maybe the time apart had done them some good. Maybe they’d know better than to repeat their old mistakes. Out on the walk, no one had screamed. No one had thrown anything or set a fire or raised a hand to the other. That had to count for something. Right? As his fingers moved through his hair she closed her eyes, overwhelmed by the familiar feel of it. She put her head on his shoulder and turned her face in towards his neck, finally breathing deeply. It felt like the first breath she’d taken since she’d seen him outside. She couldn’t believe how familiar it all felt. Or the way her knees felt weak when she took in the scent of him. She was doomed. Suddenly she didn’t care about her little realm of denial. Even if she was wrong, and they were just going to fuck it up all over again, she didn’t care. She felt certain she’d stay through anything, and just line up for more.

Aiden felt a rush, as if he had taken some drug. All he had done was hug James and have her hug him back, and already the effect it had on him was quite overwhelming. He didn’t want to let go. It was something he didn’t believe he would ever get to do again, holding her close, feeling the smell of her hair and her breath on his neck. He closed his eyes again. It felt like heaven, she felt like heaven. Yet, in the back of his mind there was a little voice that said this was crazy. This was going to come back and bite them both in the arse so harshly that they wouldn’t have an arse by the end of it. But did he care? Not at all. As far as he was concerned they were past the point of no return. He was, at least. Resting his chin on her shoulder, Aiden finally let go of what little dignity he had left and started sobbing. It had to come out eventually, it always did. Usually, when he was sitting down with a bottle in hand and a bad film on the telly. But it didn’t have to be like that anymore, now that James was back in his life. He wasn’t going to let go this time, whatever it took. Few people ever got second chances, and Aiden wasn’t stupid enough to waste his. He was going to make everything right, make it so she would never want to leave again.

The sound, or perhaps worse, the feel of him sobbing against her killed bits and pieces of who James used to be. Every cry was committed to memory. It would fucking haunt her, for the rest of her life. She wouldn’t be surprised to have those cries occupy her nightmares from now on, rather than her own. She wrapped her arms around him and held him tighter against her, allowing herself to cry harder for a moment too. She felt like she could cry all night and still not have it out of her system. And yet, she was filled with the need to be stronger for him. She had a sense of purpose - a motivation stronger than anything she’d ever felt about even the charity work. Up until now it felt like she’d been killing time until her next lead. That purpose drove her, with the need to stop those horrible sobs above all else. She brought her hand to the back of his head to guide him to meet her, and she kissed him with an overwhelming force of want and passion, the likes of which she hadn’t even thought herself capable of. Don’t cry, she mentally pleaded. We’re going to be okay now.

Even though Aiden had been crying copiously for a while now, letting everything out like he knew he’d needed to eventually, he still felt a tinge of guilt when he felt James do the same. He rubbed her back softly, a simple gesture just to let her know he was here now and she could cry on his shoulder any time. He wanted to tell her it was okay now, that she didn’t need to cry anymore, but he knew sometimes people needed to do this. So, he let her cry, hugging her protectively while she did. When she kissed him Aiden felt things he hadn’t in a long while. It was raw and privy to all senses, some sort of liberation even. He kissed her with as much passion as she was kissing him, everything they had gone through encompassed in this kiss. His fingers went to intertwine with her hair again, something he had always loved to do and missed terribly, though not as much as he had missed kissing her. Things were okay now. He felt lighter than he had in years.