InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Hahaha Explode"

alec lightwood (heavyisthehead) wrote in jurassiccitylog,
@ 2017-02-01 00:08:00

Entry tags:

alec lightwood, magnus bane

who: Alec and Magnus.
what: They both had a really bad night before coming to Jurassic.
where: Magnus's apartment.
when: After this.
warning: Discussion of violence and death. Discussion of unhealthy relationships. Discussion of mild self harm.
status: In progress.

He'd killed her. He'd killed Jocelyn.

It wasn't that Alec had never killed before. He was a Shadowhunter. He'd been killing or training to kill for almost as long as he could remember. That was the life they lived. But there was a difference between killing in battle, to protect his own life or someone else's or to stop a monster - not all Downworlders were monsters but the ones who broke the Accords often fit the title - and what had happened. He had murdered someone. Shoved his hand in her chest and ripped out her heart. And while it hadn't been him, while he had no memory of it beyond seeing the gruesome scene play out the video, he couldn't shake the guilt.

He'd killed Jocelyn. He'd killed Clary's mother.

And that was the worst of it. He had been terrible to Clary, because of his inability to deal with change and his jealousy over Jace and his general mistrust of people he didn't know. For any number of reasons, he had been awful to her when she had only ever wanted to help people. When she had been flung into a world she didn't understand and had her entire life turned upside down. He could have helped her, and instead he'd been cruel. And now he'd taken her mother from her. And when she'd been in a position to even the score, to let Izzy kill him or to accidentally kill Izzy stopping the demon, she'd saved him and his sister. She was a better person than him. He wasn't sure she'd ever be able to look at him.

No, that wasn't the worst part. The worst part was that Jocelyn was Jace's mother too.

Jace was his Parabatai. The other half of his soul. And he'd hurt him in a way he could never atone for. He had taken his mother before he ever even got to know her. He'd failed him. He kept failing him. First with Valentine and now with this. How could Jace even stand him?

People kept telling him it wasn't his fault, that it was a demon and he'd had no control over what had happened, but he knew the truth. It was his fault. Because he hadn't been strong enough. He hadn't been good enough. He was never good enough. He hadn't been able to save Jace from Valentine and he hadn't been able to protect Jocelyn from the demon or Clary from losing her mother or Izzy from getting stabbed. Hell, even Simon was a vampire because he hadn't protected him from Camille. Every step of the way, he just hadn't been enough. He failed and he failed and hurt everyone in the process.

And now he was in a strange city and everything was too much. He knew he should go to Magnus right away, that he should hold on to something familiar, but he couldn't. He couldn't stand to have Magnus look at him and see him for what he really was. And he would. He would finally see that Alex wasn't worth caring about. So instead he stood on a room, glamored so nobody could see him, and shot arrows until his hands were stiff and his fingers bled. Blood on his hands just like when he'd killed Jocelyn.

And then, when he was tired and sore and the pain helped cut through the fog of grief and self-recrimination, he finally made his way to Magnus. Knocking on the door, he waited, steeling himself for what would likely be the last time Magnus ever looked at him with any kind of fondness.

He really wished they'd just gone to Marrakesh and that he'd never even been in the Institute when the demon attacked.

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heavyisthehead
2017-02-07 06:13 am UTC (link)

This was unfair. Alec knew it was unfair. His head was a mess and he had no idea what he was doing here. This wasn't the right time to push things with Magnus. But sometimes it felt like the only time the world made sense was when he and Magnus were together. His whole life had been turned on its head in the last weeks and nothing really made sense. Nothing except for this.

Magnus was fascinating. He was intoxicating. He made Alec feel things he hadn't thought it was possible to feel for another person. He made him realize that, for all he had thought for so long that he had loved Jace, he really didn't know what love was. Being with Magnus was like having his eyes opened for the first time. He couldn't breathe, couldn't think, when he saw him. Honestly, it was terrifying. It was just so much. Magnus could easily become his everything, and he didn't see how he could ever become that to Magnus.

He knew that hiding from what he was feeling, the grief and the guilt, wasn't the right thing to do. He couldn't use Magnus to escape his problems. That wouldn't be fair to the warlock. But he just wanted to feel something. Something other than the self-hatred he'd felt since he woke up with Jocelyn's blood on his hands. "I don't want to talk about any of that right now," he said, his mouth inches from Magnus's. "Please, Magnus."

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dtfworlder
2017-02-11 07:42 pm UTC (link)

Alexander was beautiful, and he was passionate, unbearably loyal, weighted down by responsibility. He was also young, and Magnus was trying to remember that. Magnus was struggling with things in his own way, but it wasn't the same thing. His whole world hadn't changed and he hadn't had to admit new things about himself to his family for the sake of wanting Alec.

Whatever they were, it meant ... a great deal, and Magnus didn't want to rush it and leave Alec with regrets, or feeling as if he'd plunged into the deep end of a pool he hadn't been ready to swim in yet.

But. It was very difficult to turn down someone you cared about when they said please. Magnus might deny it, but he had always wanted to be needed. It's why for all his complaining, people still knew that he was someone who could be counted on for help, when needed. He liked to be the person who could set the world right in his own ways. It was a small method of controlling the chaos of life.

With people he cared about, that preference just became more obvious. He could say no. Magnus had, when he needed to. But he didn't like to. Alec asked with that desperate note in his voice, and Magnus just wanted to give him anything he needed to feel better.

"I'm with you, Alexander. I'm here for you." Wherever "here" truly was. Magnus leaned in, kissing him again. Whatever Alec had done, Magnus was on his side - because that was where he wanted to be.

They could just do this, maybe. And pray there was no cameras bugging the room or anything else along those lines. Not that Magnus would care for his own sake particularly, but he would for Alec's.

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