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Nathaniel Mauer ([info]the_reverend) wrote in [info]inshadowfalls,
@ 2010-06-09 11:00:00

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Entry tags:elliot stirling, nathaniel mauer

Who ? Nathaniel Mauer and Elliot Stirling
Where ? The Church of Immortality
When ? Wednesday afternoon
What ? Elliot and Nathaniel talk about Elliot leaving the country
Rating ? Low



The Church picnic had been a great success and ever since its conclusion, Nathaniel had been an even better mood than usual. Every day it seemed he got a thank you letter in the mail from a citizen in town for something the church had done and he was expecting an even larger crowd that normal this Sunday at both morning and evening services. While the initial first few weeks had been a little rough for the Church with the vandalism and the harassment, the town seemed to have mellowed and accepted them as something not only permanent but not nearly as nefarious as they had initially suspected.

This afternoon, Nathaniel had met with a contractor who was going to begin adding on a wing to the church that could be used as a halfway house or a homeless shelter. It seemed word had gotten around Shadow Falls that the Church was a place that people who were otherwise lost or homeless could come and stay. It was an opinion he wanted to encourage. Now he was sitting in the Sanctuary, dressed down in jeans and a simple gray t-shirt. He had paint swatches and project boards set up all over, examples of different plans decorators had come up with that he needed to decide on before construction on the addition was completed. He had time, he knew, but Nathaniel was never one to put anything off. Ever.



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[info]the_reverend
2010-06-09 08:31 pm UTC (link)
Nathaniel watched him putter around, stared at him, regardless of the fact that Elliot seemed very uncomfortable. They had been together for so long and he'd never before mentioned wanting to go to Scotland. It made him wonder what had changed, if something had changed. "Are you happy?" He asked suddenly, wondering if that was it. "Are your needs fulfilled and met?" It certainly shouldn't have been his responsibility to take care of that sort of thing but that thought didn't occur to him. "Why would you want to leave the Church?"

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[info]elliotstirling
2010-06-10 02:32 am UTC (link)
Elliot paused in organizing the color swatches, hands faltering a bit and he nodded slowly, "Yeah, I'm... fine, really," he said softly. And really, he was, he was happy enough because being around Nathaniel was lovely. Sure, going back home after so long would be wonderful, just to see all the old things and see how the place had changed from the last time he went? It would have been a dream. He'd never thought about doing it before because his hands were full with Nathaniel and the church, he never had someone suggesting something else, anyone who was curious what he'd wanted to do. Elliot had been so busy living for Nathaniel that he'd never thought about anyone else's needs. Austin was just a boy who needed to get out and it made Elliot realize that maybe going home for a bit would have been okay.

"I'm fine, Reverend, I have no needs. I am here merely to serve and protect you. As long as I'm doing that, I am satisfied. It was a delusion, thinking perhaps I should go home for a short while." He said it mechanically, like he'd memorized it. "I won't mention it again. I am happy. This is all I need right here."

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[info]the_reverend
2010-06-10 03:04 am UTC (link)
"Your home is here." Nathaniel answered, watching him. Even though Elliot was saying the right things he still wasn't convinced. He wasn't an easy sell, not when it came to Elliot's needs, it was something the Church had ingrained in him, to make sure Elliot was okay. If Elliot wasn't okay he needed to do something to fix it. "Your home is the Church. We are family, you and I, a team."

Moving closer, he put a hand on Elliot's shoulder and smiled and him. "Please don't lie to me."

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[info]elliotstirling
2010-06-10 03:15 am UTC (link)
"Y-yeah, of course," he stumbled. "The church is my home, yes." He paused again, glancing to Nathaniel briefly at the mention of he and Nathaniel being a team and he just smiled faintly. "A team..." he mulled it over slowly, the wheels in his head turning, "Yes. Of course."

He jumped when Nathaniel touched his shoulder and he looked back to his human, his iron will crumbling a bit. "D-don't worry about it, Reverend." And he wasn't used to not calling Nathaniel by his name for so long, but he didn't feel it was right at this very moment. "I'm well enough. I'm not unhappy here. I belong by your side no matter what." I'd love to take you with me. But you'd never go. I know that.

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[info]the_reverend
2010-06-10 03:54 am UTC (link)
"I'll worry about you." He would always worry about Elliot, it was a part of his brain washing, of who he was now. "I can't help it, the same way you worry about me." He smiled tightly at him and lifted an arm to curl it around him and pull him closer. "Scotland will always be there, Elliot."

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[info]elliotstirling
2010-06-10 04:07 am UTC (link)
This was exactly one of those moments that confused Elliot. Nathaniel barely had a hold on him and it was like crushing all the air out of his lungs. He stared, wide-eyed at Nathaniel for a brief second, trying to remember how to breathe because the air trapped in his lungs was starting to burn. He let out the breath slowly as it all came back to him and he smiled gently back, "I know..." he said, sounding rather young in his response. Hesitantly, Elliot was moving both of his hands to curl around Nathaniel's shoulders gently. "I..." Elliot bit his lip, tilting his head. "You'll always be here too, right?" He asked faintly, though the words broke his heart just a little. He hated encouraging this-- hated lying to his dear friend. Deep down, in a place he didn't really know existed yet and yet sort of did, seeing Nathaniel die would be the most awful experience in the world.

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[info]the_reverend
2010-06-10 04:16 am UTC (link)
"My life springs eternal." He assured him, wondering why it was even a question, and rubbed Elliot's back warmly before he loosened his grip, waiting for the other vampire to withdraw before he let go of him completely.

"I'm confused why you wanted to take Austin with you, though. I wasn't aware you two even knew each other." Let alone knew each other to travel together.

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[info]elliotstirling
2010-06-10 04:22 am UTC (link)
Elliot smiled warmly at those words, nodding gently and chuckling. "Good... very good," he sighed out in satisfaction as he stepped back respectfully, always watching Nathaniel compose himself immediately after strange moments like that. It never last long, a few seconds but not much beyond that.

"I met him in the Church," Elliot told Nathaniel lightly. "He was making noise and I was still here so I came to investigate," he shrugged. "A little drunk, he was... so I tried my best to take care of him so he wouldn't hurt himself," he'd leave out the part that included Austin trying to undress him on multiple occassion and offer sexual favors at least seven times in the evening. "Poor thing just needs an escape, Reverend. I gues I... I was so eager to give it to him... I wasn't thinking straight..." Elliot admitted finally.

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[info]the_reverend
2010-06-10 05:21 am UTC (link)
"He doesn't need to escape, he just needs purpose." Austin was one of the people Nathaniel always claimed he didn't preach at but at the same time wouldn't leave alone. "He needs the Truth. To serve a vampire. He'll feel better then." Nathaniel still wasn't sure about Elliot but he moved away, back to the swatches. "His soul is missing that, it's why he's so confused. Once he accepts that then things will get better again."

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[info]elliotstirling
2010-06-10 05:26 am UTC (link)
To serve a vampire. Elliot cringed internally at the phrasing because, yeah, Nathaniel pretty much hit the nail on the head. After all the attempts before, of course Elliot was aware that Austin was a bit of a sex fiend with a need to 'serve a vampire.' Elliot didn't think that Austin's want to commit to sexual favors was because of Elliot himself, but because Austin just was a bit of an addict and Elliot happened to be around.

"He accepts it, I think. I am fairly certain he enjoys being a subordinate to vampires, no concern there, Reverend." Or at least, he certainly admitted to liking getting bitten.

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[info]the_reverend
2010-06-10 05:45 am UTC (link)
"I'm not so sure." Elliot was probably right, Austin had hit on Nathaniel as well although he wasn't going to bring up something like that. "He was in the service of a vampire before he came to us and he convinced that vampire to free him. He had purpose then and now he's here and lost and sighing dramatically. I feel bad for him, he is one of those that needs to be lead through life by the hand. He just needs to find someone who can be more effective at doing that than his last master was."

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[info]elliotstirling
2010-06-10 05:55 am UTC (link)
"He's so full of life though, Nathaniel," and it was so easy to slip back into calling the reverend by his name. Elliot had known him way too long to not call him that. It was more personal and Elliot preferred it. Of course some situations dictated that he call Nathaniel only Reverend, but when they were alone, he preferred Nathaniel.

"I mentioned taking him out of here for just a few days and he was so... happy. Like something that simple could somehow make life so much easier for him," he sighed gently, running a hand through his hair. "The look of adoration was just... he's not a normal human by any means."

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[info]the_reverend
2010-06-10 01:40 pm UTC (link)
"I imagine he was excited because he was going to be getting out of Shadow Falls. All young people like to travel, to visit foreign places and see new things, to know and understand that there is a world out there beyond themselves and their home town. I'm sure it's all very normal." It was no small secret that Nathaniel was ridiculously soft towards children but when they were teenagers, expected to serve their vampire masters, those sorts of feelings begin to wane.

"If you think you can do something for him, Nathaniel, if you feel he is special, perhaps you should claim him. He will thrive if he is bound to a particular vampire, I think."

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[info]elliotstirling
2010-06-10 04:17 pm UTC (link)
"That's normal for any young person. For people here that have only known Shadow Falls? Those who think they're trapped here to live and die here? I imagine it doesn't matter how old you are... humans aren't usually caged like this. The lack of free-will must drive them mad," Elliot said, almost sadly. He didn't lose his love of humanity, never could. He wasn't particularly on anyone's side, but he could be empathetic for them.

"No. I don't think I will. He seemed happy to be free of the last captor. I'm not here to be an enemy to the child. I think you're right, yes, he probably needs one vampire to lead him, but I believe it should be someone more iron-willed than myself. You know I've never been a tyrant." And unless someone threatened Nathaniel, he was a bit of a pacifist.

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[info]the_reverend
2010-06-10 04:24 pm UTC (link)
At Elliot's words, Nathaniel had to put down his work again, looking up at him with a tightness around the corners of his eyes that could only be interpreted as worry and concern. "Elliot, humans are not trapped here, Shadow Falls isn't a cage. They are blessed to be able to live so close to vampire kind, to be able to serve their gods. Austin was not a captive, he was an ungrateful servant. He had an opportunity to thrive, to live in the truth but he threw it all away and as a result he is unhappy and alone."

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[info]elliotstirling
2010-06-10 04:33 pm UTC (link)
Elliot looked away. "Humans who stumble upon this town, who don't know what they're getting into, get stuck here. It's captivity. Even those who love to serve us are aware that there is no freedom. Those who serve vampires willingly also know that freedom is of no importance to them. But how could you possibly explain that to someone who doesn't see things through our eyes, Nathaniel? The church's eyes. You know you can't convince everyone and those who will never see the truth are those who see this as captivity. There is no avoiding that." Elliot adored Nathaniel, he really really did, but the delusions were always something that caught him off guard at times-- Nathaniel was too far gone and moments like these were moments Elliot never wanted to encounter. Lying through his teeth became difficult the more attached he got to his human.

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[info]the_reverend
2010-06-10 04:37 pm UTC (link)
"That is why we are here." Nathaniel answered evenly, watching him carefully as if he expected something alien to pop out of his chest. "We are here to preach the Truth. A human who believes he is trapped here is wrong, he is suffering for nothing and it is our duty to assuage that. They are lucky to be here even if it doesn't seem so at first. Real salvation cannot be achieved without suffering." He moved away from his work o be closer to him again, still concerned. "I am deeply worried about your faith, Elliot. Do you believe in the Church at all?"

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[info]elliotstirling
2010-06-10 04:48 pm UTC (link)
Elliot jumped, glancing briefly to Nathaniel before looking away and putting distance between them immediately. He thought about it for a long time, where his faith lied. Sure, he liked what the church was trying to do, it was better than chaos and humans that bent to the will of a vampire meant less rage overall. It was a good thought. But it was only where a fraction of his allegience sat. The church was a good idea, of course, but Elliot's true concern was Nathaniel. It was always Nathaniel. But Elliot was fairly certain those words would have pleased his friend.

"We can't change the world," Elliot muttered, "no one ever could." He sighed, tightening his jaw before looking to Nathaniel.

"I am your ever faithful servant. I am not here to concern you and you should have no concern for me. Your first priority is the church and I am not to hinder that. It is my job and my pleasure to be fully concerned for you and you are not to return that emotion to me. I am disposable. Forgive me, Reverend. I have ignored my primary responsibilities, but I will go at them full force. I will speak no more."

So so very practiced.

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[info]the_reverend
2010-06-10 04:55 pm UTC (link)
Nathaniel looked extremely conflicted. He had been programmed to support the Church to promote it and do everything he could for it but he was also programmed to be obedient to Elliot, to support him, to be reliant on him. And now, for the first time, both of those priorities were in conflict with one another. Elliot needed help. He had lost his faith, he was of little use to the Church like this. He should go back, back to where they came from so such a crisis could be handled by his superiors but at the same time he knew he couldn't let Elliot leave Shadow Falls. They needed to be together. "I am troubled," he said with a small bit of panic in his voice that he wasn't aware of.

"You are not here to serve me, Elliot, we are both servants of the Church, of a greater purpose and while it's true within the church I rank higher than you do, your loyalty is not to me. It shouldn't be to me. I am concerned I cannot help you, you are losing your way. If I wasn't here, Elliot, if I had never existed at all, would you still believe in the Church?"

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[info]elliotstirling
2010-06-10 05:04 pm UTC (link)
Elliot felt gutted at the sound of panic in Nathaniel's voice that he easily picked up on. He wanted to move closer to his friend and reassure him, but he didn't move. He didn't dare.

"I know my place," Elliot said curtly. "I am to protect you with my life. If a threat is to come, I give myself fully. If crisis comes upon you, I am to take full responsibility. I am the hostage. I am the bait. I would never allow harm to come to you. We are not invincible. There are ways to murder. People meet religion with resistance, often violence. You are the face of the church and I am your shadow. In the event of full scale resistance, you are to run and get to safety and I am to stand guard even if it means my life. These are my orders and I am committed to them." Elliot said.

Elliot looked away, biting his lip. "No." He didn't know. "I wouldn't." Was it easier to say no? He didn't know what he was saying.

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[info]the_reverend
2010-06-10 05:14 pm UTC (link)
When Elliot said that, about the church, Nathaniel looked positively crushed and for once he didn't have anything to say. He didn't know how to counsel him or what had happened to change his mind or if Elliot had ever even believed in the Church at all. He'd have to write to his superiors, back to the home of the Church in California where he had come from. He had to. Elliot needed more help than he could give him.

"Elliot," he said finally, no longer trying to get close to him. "I love you, deeply. You are a part of me. But I'm not sure you belong here, not as a representative of the Church, not as you are now. I am going to send a letter back to California to get advice on how I should proceed. You need help that I can't give you."

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[info]elliotstirling
2010-06-10 05:44 pm UTC (link)
"I'll tell you how to proceed," Elliot said firmly. "Write to them, find my replacement and you'll have another shadow. I've followed you for years, Nathaniel. I have never asked for anything from you." He stared at his friend sadly.

"You love the church, you were thankful for me." He thought it over carefully. "If I am no use to you or this church... wonder if they'll let me live." Elliot laughed bitterly, walking over to Nathaniel and running a hand over his jaw gently. "Best of luck, Reverend. I'll see you around. Or? Maybe I won't," he chuckled, turning to leave.

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[info]the_reverend
2010-06-10 05:57 pm UTC (link)
The Reverend made fists out of his hands, keeping them at his sides and clenching them together as tightly as he could. He felt lied to, betrayed, alone, and in danger even though there certainly weren't any eminent threats in the immediate vicinity. The notion that the Church would kill Elliot for his lack of faith was enough to make him not want to write about him at all. He could just let Elliot go, he could mingle in with the rest of Shadow Falls. But they needed to be together. He couldn't let Elliot go! He couldn't just let him leave.

"Will you be going to Scotland?" If he wasn't going to stay with the church that left him suddenly very free.

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[info]elliotstirling
2010-06-10 06:07 pm UTC (link)
"You know?" Elliot turned again to look at Nathaniel from farther away now. "I don't think I ever really would have gone. I wanted to, sure. But I think that leaving your side would have been an impossibility. Even now, now with this between us, I still don't feel I could. I am still horridly loyal to you, Reverend." Elliot said softly. "I know where your allegience is. Even still. I'd die before I'd let anyone put a hand on you," Elliot smiled.

"I will wait. Until they send a replacement that I feel is a fit replacement for you, one that I feel can protect you the way you deserve. If I am allowed to live beyond that, maybe I'll go. If not?" He smiled grimly, "You said it yourself, it'll always be there. I suppose I wouldn't miss much."

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[info]the_reverend
2010-06-10 06:15 pm UTC (link)
"I'm not going to tell them if you think they will kill you." Why the Church would kill Elliot because he'd lost his face Nathaniel didn't know. He'd assumed they'd take him back home and counsel him, find something to renew his faith. "I don't want them to kill you." He felt so useless, watching him leave. He felt wrong, he was doing something wrong. "Elliot, what did I do?"

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(no subject) - [info]elliotstirling, 2010-06-10 06:25 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]the_reverend, 2010-06-10 06:36 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]elliotstirling, 2010-06-10 06:44 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]the_reverend, 2010-06-11 05:18 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]elliotstirling, 2010-06-11 07:15 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]the_reverend, 2010-06-11 07:28 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]elliotstirling, 2010-06-11 11:26 pm UTC

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