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Nathaniel Mauer ([info]the_reverend) wrote in [info]inshadowfalls,
@ 2010-06-09 11:00:00

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Entry tags:elliot stirling, nathaniel mauer

Who ? Nathaniel Mauer and Elliot Stirling
Where ? The Church of Immortality
When ? Wednesday afternoon
What ? Elliot and Nathaniel talk about Elliot leaving the country
Rating ? Low



The Church picnic had been a great success and ever since its conclusion, Nathaniel had been an even better mood than usual. Every day it seemed he got a thank you letter in the mail from a citizen in town for something the church had done and he was expecting an even larger crowd that normal this Sunday at both morning and evening services. While the initial first few weeks had been a little rough for the Church with the vandalism and the harassment, the town seemed to have mellowed and accepted them as something not only permanent but not nearly as nefarious as they had initially suspected.

This afternoon, Nathaniel had met with a contractor who was going to begin adding on a wing to the church that could be used as a halfway house or a homeless shelter. It seemed word had gotten around Shadow Falls that the Church was a place that people who were otherwise lost or homeless could come and stay. It was an opinion he wanted to encourage. Now he was sitting in the Sanctuary, dressed down in jeans and a simple gray t-shirt. He had paint swatches and project boards set up all over, examples of different plans decorators had come up with that he needed to decide on before construction on the addition was completed. He had time, he knew, but Nathaniel was never one to put anything off. Ever.



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[info]elliotstirling
2010-06-10 04:17 pm UTC (link)
"That's normal for any young person. For people here that have only known Shadow Falls? Those who think they're trapped here to live and die here? I imagine it doesn't matter how old you are... humans aren't usually caged like this. The lack of free-will must drive them mad," Elliot said, almost sadly. He didn't lose his love of humanity, never could. He wasn't particularly on anyone's side, but he could be empathetic for them.

"No. I don't think I will. He seemed happy to be free of the last captor. I'm not here to be an enemy to the child. I think you're right, yes, he probably needs one vampire to lead him, but I believe it should be someone more iron-willed than myself. You know I've never been a tyrant." And unless someone threatened Nathaniel, he was a bit of a pacifist.

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[info]the_reverend
2010-06-10 04:24 pm UTC (link)
At Elliot's words, Nathaniel had to put down his work again, looking up at him with a tightness around the corners of his eyes that could only be interpreted as worry and concern. "Elliot, humans are not trapped here, Shadow Falls isn't a cage. They are blessed to be able to live so close to vampire kind, to be able to serve their gods. Austin was not a captive, he was an ungrateful servant. He had an opportunity to thrive, to live in the truth but he threw it all away and as a result he is unhappy and alone."

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[info]elliotstirling
2010-06-10 04:33 pm UTC (link)
Elliot looked away. "Humans who stumble upon this town, who don't know what they're getting into, get stuck here. It's captivity. Even those who love to serve us are aware that there is no freedom. Those who serve vampires willingly also know that freedom is of no importance to them. But how could you possibly explain that to someone who doesn't see things through our eyes, Nathaniel? The church's eyes. You know you can't convince everyone and those who will never see the truth are those who see this as captivity. There is no avoiding that." Elliot adored Nathaniel, he really really did, but the delusions were always something that caught him off guard at times-- Nathaniel was too far gone and moments like these were moments Elliot never wanted to encounter. Lying through his teeth became difficult the more attached he got to his human.

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[info]the_reverend
2010-06-10 04:37 pm UTC (link)
"That is why we are here." Nathaniel answered evenly, watching him carefully as if he expected something alien to pop out of his chest. "We are here to preach the Truth. A human who believes he is trapped here is wrong, he is suffering for nothing and it is our duty to assuage that. They are lucky to be here even if it doesn't seem so at first. Real salvation cannot be achieved without suffering." He moved away from his work o be closer to him again, still concerned. "I am deeply worried about your faith, Elliot. Do you believe in the Church at all?"

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[info]elliotstirling
2010-06-10 04:48 pm UTC (link)
Elliot jumped, glancing briefly to Nathaniel before looking away and putting distance between them immediately. He thought about it for a long time, where his faith lied. Sure, he liked what the church was trying to do, it was better than chaos and humans that bent to the will of a vampire meant less rage overall. It was a good thought. But it was only where a fraction of his allegience sat. The church was a good idea, of course, but Elliot's true concern was Nathaniel. It was always Nathaniel. But Elliot was fairly certain those words would have pleased his friend.

"We can't change the world," Elliot muttered, "no one ever could." He sighed, tightening his jaw before looking to Nathaniel.

"I am your ever faithful servant. I am not here to concern you and you should have no concern for me. Your first priority is the church and I am not to hinder that. It is my job and my pleasure to be fully concerned for you and you are not to return that emotion to me. I am disposable. Forgive me, Reverend. I have ignored my primary responsibilities, but I will go at them full force. I will speak no more."

So so very practiced.

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[info]the_reverend
2010-06-10 04:55 pm UTC (link)
Nathaniel looked extremely conflicted. He had been programmed to support the Church to promote it and do everything he could for it but he was also programmed to be obedient to Elliot, to support him, to be reliant on him. And now, for the first time, both of those priorities were in conflict with one another. Elliot needed help. He had lost his faith, he was of little use to the Church like this. He should go back, back to where they came from so such a crisis could be handled by his superiors but at the same time he knew he couldn't let Elliot leave Shadow Falls. They needed to be together. "I am troubled," he said with a small bit of panic in his voice that he wasn't aware of.

"You are not here to serve me, Elliot, we are both servants of the Church, of a greater purpose and while it's true within the church I rank higher than you do, your loyalty is not to me. It shouldn't be to me. I am concerned I cannot help you, you are losing your way. If I wasn't here, Elliot, if I had never existed at all, would you still believe in the Church?"

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[info]elliotstirling
2010-06-10 05:04 pm UTC (link)
Elliot felt gutted at the sound of panic in Nathaniel's voice that he easily picked up on. He wanted to move closer to his friend and reassure him, but he didn't move. He didn't dare.

"I know my place," Elliot said curtly. "I am to protect you with my life. If a threat is to come, I give myself fully. If crisis comes upon you, I am to take full responsibility. I am the hostage. I am the bait. I would never allow harm to come to you. We are not invincible. There are ways to murder. People meet religion with resistance, often violence. You are the face of the church and I am your shadow. In the event of full scale resistance, you are to run and get to safety and I am to stand guard even if it means my life. These are my orders and I am committed to them." Elliot said.

Elliot looked away, biting his lip. "No." He didn't know. "I wouldn't." Was it easier to say no? He didn't know what he was saying.

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[info]the_reverend
2010-06-10 05:14 pm UTC (link)
When Elliot said that, about the church, Nathaniel looked positively crushed and for once he didn't have anything to say. He didn't know how to counsel him or what had happened to change his mind or if Elliot had ever even believed in the Church at all. He'd have to write to his superiors, back to the home of the Church in California where he had come from. He had to. Elliot needed more help than he could give him.

"Elliot," he said finally, no longer trying to get close to him. "I love you, deeply. You are a part of me. But I'm not sure you belong here, not as a representative of the Church, not as you are now. I am going to send a letter back to California to get advice on how I should proceed. You need help that I can't give you."

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[info]elliotstirling
2010-06-10 05:44 pm UTC (link)
"I'll tell you how to proceed," Elliot said firmly. "Write to them, find my replacement and you'll have another shadow. I've followed you for years, Nathaniel. I have never asked for anything from you." He stared at his friend sadly.

"You love the church, you were thankful for me." He thought it over carefully. "If I am no use to you or this church... wonder if they'll let me live." Elliot laughed bitterly, walking over to Nathaniel and running a hand over his jaw gently. "Best of luck, Reverend. I'll see you around. Or? Maybe I won't," he chuckled, turning to leave.

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[info]the_reverend
2010-06-10 05:57 pm UTC (link)
The Reverend made fists out of his hands, keeping them at his sides and clenching them together as tightly as he could. He felt lied to, betrayed, alone, and in danger even though there certainly weren't any eminent threats in the immediate vicinity. The notion that the Church would kill Elliot for his lack of faith was enough to make him not want to write about him at all. He could just let Elliot go, he could mingle in with the rest of Shadow Falls. But they needed to be together. He couldn't let Elliot go! He couldn't just let him leave.

"Will you be going to Scotland?" If he wasn't going to stay with the church that left him suddenly very free.

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[info]elliotstirling
2010-06-10 06:07 pm UTC (link)
"You know?" Elliot turned again to look at Nathaniel from farther away now. "I don't think I ever really would have gone. I wanted to, sure. But I think that leaving your side would have been an impossibility. Even now, now with this between us, I still don't feel I could. I am still horridly loyal to you, Reverend." Elliot said softly. "I know where your allegience is. Even still. I'd die before I'd let anyone put a hand on you," Elliot smiled.

"I will wait. Until they send a replacement that I feel is a fit replacement for you, one that I feel can protect you the way you deserve. If I am allowed to live beyond that, maybe I'll go. If not?" He smiled grimly, "You said it yourself, it'll always be there. I suppose I wouldn't miss much."

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[info]the_reverend
2010-06-10 06:15 pm UTC (link)
"I'm not going to tell them if you think they will kill you." Why the Church would kill Elliot because he'd lost his face Nathaniel didn't know. He'd assumed they'd take him back home and counsel him, find something to renew his faith. "I don't want them to kill you." He felt so useless, watching him leave. He felt wrong, he was doing something wrong. "Elliot, what did I do?"

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[info]elliotstirling
2010-06-10 06:25 pm UTC (link)
"You have to." Elliot said, looking concerned immediately and walking over to Nathaniel quickly, glancing around the room to see that it was still empty. By all means, this shouldn't have been a talk they had in the open, but they got lucky thus far. "You have so much faith in the church, you need to do what you feel is best for the church," he placed his hands on Nathaniel's forearms gently. "You can't worry about what they may or may not do to me," he looked to Nathaniel and smiled sadly.

"You didn't do anything, Nathaniel... I promise you that," he said softly. "I'd love to stay by your side, you should know that. And I could pray that my faith somehow comes back while we stand idly by. I believed in it all once, I did. I don't know where I went wrong." It was impossible for Elliot to hate or blame Nathaniel for anything, nothing was his fault anyway and he hated seeing Nathaniel so broken up. "But I have so much faith in you, Nathaniel. Whatever you choose to do, even if it may condemn me. I know you'll do what you feel is right," he leaned in and pressed a kiss to Nathaniel's forehead. "There has never been a being in this world that I cared for more than you. You have to understand that this is not betrayal. I never wish to harm you."

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[info]the_reverend
2010-06-10 06:36 pm UTC (link)
"I worry about what they'll do to you." He couldn't help it and when Elliot came closer again, kissed him, he grabbed hold of his arm, squeezing it as tightly as he could with no intent of letting him go again. Elliot was bad, bad for the church but he couldn't just let him walk out. They needed to be together. He was so confused!

"Maybe you can stay," he began, speaking lowly, "I can help you. We can figure out what happened to your faith and maybe we can salvage it. The Church preaches the truth, you can't avoid the Truth."

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[info]elliotstirling
2010-06-10 06:44 pm UTC (link)
Elliot seemed shocked when Nathaniel was grabbing his arm so tensely and sure, he could have pulled away easily if he'd wanted to, but he didn't, he'd never want to either.

He stared at Nathaniel in surprise. "You shouldn't..." he told Nathaniel, but he was smiling faintly. "You're the only one that could help me. I would trust no one but you. If anyone can reawaken me, it would be you, Nathaniel. I won't stand hearing the truth from anyone but you."

But this was all wrong. Nathaniel was supposed to care solely for the church, love his followers, but cast off the non-believers, the blasphemists. Something has gone wrong. Nathaniel should have turned Elliot in. That would have been best for the church, and that should have been first in Nathaniel's mind. Elliot smiled gently, "I'd never leave your side. Never."

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[info]the_reverend
2010-06-11 05:18 am UTC (link)
"I will help you." Nathaniel assured him and only tightened his grip. "I will do whatever I can." The Church didn't have to know about Elliot's moment of weakness. "I'll figure it out, a way to convince you that this, what we're doing here is good." He just wasn't sure he could.

What Nathaniel really wanted to know was what had shaken his faith to begin with. He wasn't convinced he had nothing to do with it because he felt guilty and he wouldn't have felt guilty if he hadn't done anything. The Reverend pulled him close again in a hug, both of his arms wrapped around his shoulders. "Don't worry, Elliot," he whispered in his ear. "I will fill every void in your life with renewed vigor and a strong belief in the Truth."

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[info]elliotstirling
2010-06-11 07:15 pm UTC (link)
Elliot nodded numbly, feeling badly that he had somehow managed to become important enough to Nathaniel to shake his will. Nathaniel was supposed to be representing the church. Everything he did was to be in the church's best interest and nothing else. Any roadblocks were to be quickly disposed of and really, Elliot was quite a road block. Everything Nathaniel knew... it was supposed to be all that he knew, but he was growing-- he was becoming more of himself than council may have wanted.

He drew his arms around Nathaniel's waist and thought it over, staring over Nathaniel's shoulder blearily at the other side of the room. He'd been thoughtless-- Nathaniel broke past all barriers and though, it was nearly impossible to see before, Elliot wasn't looking close enough. Nathaniel cared about him more than he ever imagined and Elliot had to return the favor; he'd thought he'd been doing all that he could for his friend, but he could do more. He would work hard to find his faith again and he'd find his faith for Nathaniel. Something in him thought that if he'd work for someone else, he'd be able to revitalize it.

But he was worried, because if every void in his life could be filled with the truth, would Nathaniel ever be truly happy? "I know you will..." Elliot said anyway, shutting his eyes briefly and praying that somehow, it would all make sense.

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[info]the_reverend
2010-06-11 07:28 pm UTC (link)
"Good. I'm glad." Elliot was going to give him a second chance, he was going to give the Church a second chance. This close, Nathaniel couldn't help but smile even if it was just a little bit. They worked so near each other but definitely not this near. He leaned back enough so he could look him in the eye, keeping his voice low for just the two of them. "I wasn't quite ready for our partner ship to end. We haven't even had an opportunity to explore its depths yet."

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[info]elliotstirling
2010-06-11 11:26 pm UTC (link)
Elliot laughed breathily, "I'm glad too, Nathaniel. So very glad. I would have never wanted to leave. Out of respect for you? Of course I would. But... I don't want anyone to replace me," he huffed, looking at Nathaniel when the human pulled back slightly.

"There's still so much to learn," he nodded in agreement. And then there was that feeling again, the feeling that they were way too close again, but Elliot ignored it. Despite the fact that Nathaniel's words sounded oddly affectionate, Elliot wouldn't read into them. Not this time.

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