Faye Valentine (poker_alice) wrote in indarkness_logs, @ 2010-09-17 05:51:00 |
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Entry tags: | !dropped, 2032 09, faye valentine, river tam |
RP: Just when this place seemed tolerable...
Characters: Faye, open-ish (poking at River)
Time/Date: Just after dark, September 14 (Tuesday)
Location: Faye's room (306), lobby
Warnings/Rating: language/narrative cursing, Faye being moody
Summary: Spike is gone... again. Faye isn't sure how to handle this.
Status: Open(ish?), ongoing
Note: Yes, I know I fail. Really, I do. This is backdated because Faye would have freaked much earlier but I didn't know how to write it out until now. Also, because I have been battling computer issues and feeling bad. Excuses are shiny, right?
Faye must have stared at the Blackberry for at least an hour and a half, considering but never succeeding with the expression of her thoughts. What would she do - yell at the idiots who had ripped her heart out all over again? Plot some sort of half-baked uprising with little care about her own safety? Or would she put on a brave facade over Spike, but point out that Dug had done nothing to deserve the cruel fate everyone assumed - effectively pulling the 'you would kill a puppy' card? What good would come from either option? She'd just end up being 'sent home,' as well.
But maybe she wanted that, in the off-chance that 'returning home' wasn't a synonym for death. Maybe she wanted to just go home and forget it all, forget that she'd been so close to having the man she loved back as if nothing had changed. After all, in the end, it didn't matter whether he was truly sent home, killed, or even tortured then killed. How would that be any different than the fate he would inevitably meet before the point in time she called home?
He was dead. Spike Spiegel was dead, and he had been for a year. She'd already gone through this, had her destructive tantrum, and moved along. She'd already looked into his eyes - haunting and mismatched as they were - and resigned herself to his near-suicide. She knew he was fatalistic, stupid, inconsiderate of the fact that others gave a shit about him, and considered better-off-dead by more people than she cared to count. Been there, realized that, accepted it with much reluctance and anger: Faye knew the whole, sad story, even if it had now been twisted to include mad scientists.
That's all this was, right? It was just a re-run of what had already happened. He'd made a nuisance of himself, shot a stocker... Same difference as making a nuisance of himself and shooting some bastard from a crime syndicate. Or pissing off a former brother-in-arms. Right? So it was the same. Exactly the same.
Or not. She tried to tell herself that it was, but she couldn't forget having him again. Even if he was still his usual, frustrating self... She wouldn't want it any differently. Not really. He was who he was, and that was part of the incomprehensible attraction she held for him.
Why did he find it so easy not to care about his own life, though? Or lives, if she were to believe the talk of having more than one. Not that it mattered, really. That fatalistic lunkhead had told her he was on the last life. There was no option for imagining him back into existence again.
If not for other people knowing him - if not for seeing his name on an actual list of missing people - she might have assumed that he was no more than a ghost, that she truly had imagined him to life. But he wasn't, and that was why it hurt so much. She'd really had him back, only to lose him again. Somehow, this twisted, parallel existence wasn't just some nightmare.
Why couldn't she accept Spike's take on reality and pretend it was all just a dream? Why was reality so concrete to her, even in a place like this?
Faye let out a frustrated sigh and tightened her jaw, only barely managing to convince herself that throwing the phone across the room would not bring him back. (It hadn't worked the last time!) She needed to run away. Desperately. Before she went crazy and started shooting people with imaginary bullets... while crying about how unfair life was and how she wanted to wake up from the nightmare, now.
Such lunacy honestly didn't feel too far from the present; and the scariest part was that Faye acknowledged it.