InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "FAAAABULOUS!"

Faye Valentine (poker_alice) wrote in indarkness_logs,
@ 2010-09-17 05:51:00

Entry tags:

!dropped, 2032 09, faye valentine, river tam

RP: Just when this place seemed tolerable...
Characters: Faye, open-ish (poking at River)
Time/Date: Just after dark, September 14 (Tuesday)
Location: Faye's room (306), lobby
Warnings/Rating: language/narrative cursing, Faye being moody
Summary: Spike is gone... again. Faye isn't sure how to handle this.
Status: Open(ish?), ongoing
Note: Yes, I know I fail. Really, I do. This is backdated because Faye would have freaked much earlier but I didn't know how to write it out until now. Also, because I have been battling computer issues and feeling bad. Excuses are shiny, right?

Faye must have stared at the Blackberry for at least an hour and a half, considering but never succeeding with the expression of her thoughts. What would she do - yell at the idiots who had ripped her heart out all over again? Plot some sort of half-baked uprising with little care about her own safety? Or would she put on a brave facade over Spike, but point out that Dug had done nothing to deserve the cruel fate everyone assumed - effectively pulling the 'you would kill a puppy' card? What good would come from either option? She'd just end up being 'sent home,' as well.

But maybe she wanted that, in the off-chance that 'returning home' wasn't a synonym for death. Maybe she wanted to just go home and forget it all, forget that she'd been so close to having the man she loved back as if nothing had changed. After all, in the end, it didn't matter whether he was truly sent home, killed, or even tortured then killed. How would that be any different than the fate he would inevitably meet before the point in time she called home?

He was dead. Spike Spiegel was dead, and he had been for a year. She'd already gone through this, had her destructive tantrum, and moved along. She'd already looked into his eyes - haunting and mismatched as they were - and resigned herself to his near-suicide. She knew he was fatalistic, stupid, inconsiderate of the fact that others gave a shit about him, and considered better-off-dead by more people than she cared to count. Been there, realized that, accepted it with much reluctance and anger: Faye knew the whole, sad story, even if it had now been twisted to include mad scientists.

That's all this was, right? It was just a re-run of what had already happened. He'd made a nuisance of himself, shot a stocker... Same difference as making a nuisance of himself and shooting some bastard from a crime syndicate. Or pissing off a former brother-in-arms. Right? So it was the same. Exactly the same.

Or not. She tried to tell herself that it was, but she couldn't forget having him again. Even if he was still his usual, frustrating self... She wouldn't want it any differently. Not really. He was who he was, and that was part of the incomprehensible attraction she held for him.

Why did he find it so easy not to care about his own life, though? Or lives, if she were to believe the talk of having more than one. Not that it mattered, really. That fatalistic lunkhead had told her he was on the last life. There was no option for imagining him back into existence again.

If not for other people knowing him - if not for seeing his name on an actual list of missing people - she might have assumed that he was no more than a ghost, that she truly had imagined him to life. But he wasn't, and that was why it hurt so much. She'd really had him back, only to lose him again. Somehow, this twisted, parallel existence wasn't just some nightmare.

Why couldn't she accept Spike's take on reality and pretend it was all just a dream? Why was reality so concrete to her, even in a place like this?

Faye let out a frustrated sigh and tightened her jaw, only barely managing to convince herself that throwing the phone across the room would not bring him back. (It hadn't worked the last time!) She needed to run away. Desperately. Before she went crazy and started shooting people with imaginary bullets... while crying about how unfair life was and how she wanted to wake up from the nightmare, now.

Such lunacy honestly didn't feel too far from the present; and the scariest part was that Faye acknowledged it.

She didn't like elevators and she didn't like stairs. What she liked was the Redtail and its usefulness as a means of escape. No matter how many times she pressed the button on her bracelet, however, it wouldn't appear. Either the bastards were hiding it just out of the remote's range or it wasn't on the island. Somehow, that wasn't surprising. Not now.

There were other means of escape - or, technically, escapism - to consider, though none quite so useful as disappearing. She could drink herself into pretend happiness, pick a fight with someone, or... Well, the other option was the reason she wandered into the lobby. There was one person she knew who could make her feel the exact opposite of emotional. He could make her forget everything but the here-and-now, help her release the anger and frustration.

Faye's finger hovered over the name in the directory, fingernail barely touching the paper as it trailed from the name to the room number. "Five-thirteen," she murmured aloud. Her finger trailed back to the name just to be certain before falling to the paper resignedly.

Right. She would just walk right up to Jayne's door and... What, exactly? Tell him she was pissed off at the universe and wanted to fuck it all away? Ask him to help her kill a few crazy kidnappers? See if he'd had the ammo returned along with his gun? Kick him for reminding her so much of Spike?

With a frustrated growl, Faye shoved the directory away and slammed her fist onto the surface where the directory rested. There was a second's pause - perhaps even two - then she drew her hand back and shook it out, hoping to dull the pain.

"Shit," she hissed. On the inside, she was seething, overflowing with the anger which desperately needed to find its way out. Yet, she was also hurting - physically and emotionally. Her eyes were glassy, but she refused to cry. Absolutely refused. Now that she was familiar enough with the island to assume that every move inside the hotel was being watched, she wouldn't allow herself to cry. Or, at least, she would try her damndest to avoid that show of weakness.

But... if they were watching, then that meant they might be listening. And if they were listening...

"You're vicious bastards, you know," she declared. Her voice was lower than normal speaking tone yet still full of the raw emotion which spurned the comment.

It was likely obvious that the word 'vicious' held a much darker and more-insulting meaning to Faye than it might to someone else, though that was probably one of the less-noticeable things about the situation. After all, she was standing there with reddened knuckles and glassy eyes, talking rudely to someone who wasn't even physically there. All the while, her mind reeled, dancing between sadness and anger, violence and escape.

She didn't really know what to do, and she certainly didn't notice that someone else was nearby...

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lilalbatross
2010-09-18 04:21 am UTC (link)

It was hardly surprising that Faye didn't notice that someone was nearby - River was excellent at hiding. Blending into her surroundings. Pretending that she wasn't there. This hotel was no starship, but that didn't mean that River couldn't find every nook and every cranny - every shadowy corner and every secret it held.

Her eyes drifted over the woman in pain as she fought her internal battle with herself. It was making River a bit frustrated because the answers were not immediately apparent to her. There was no simple solution to any of the problems here, and that was more than a little bit frustrating. But that didn't stop the story from unfolding all the same. She licked at the corner of her lip, tasting salt, and she wondered if that was from a recent meal or if she was imagining tears. Or crying tears, and she lifted a hand to check before deciding to step forward and out of the shadows, moving on quiet bare feet along the lobby floor.

"Do you even know what you want?" she asked softly, expecting that her presence would be a surprise and her question would likely go unanswered in a flurry of defensive action, but asking it all the same.

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poker_alice
2010-09-18 10:18 am UTC (link)

There hadn't been anyone in the lobby when she arrived, and she didn't hear anyone approach. In fact, she heard nothing at all until the question was spoken. Sure, it was a valid question worth considering; but it came from the wrong voice - a real one beyond the confines of her mind. How was Faye to know whether the voice belonged to a captive or a captor - a friend or a foe?

Her posture stiffened and she nearly jumped as she reached for the gun she'd left behind. Her hand felt desperately where it belonged until she remembered that she'd left it because it was useless without ammo... so she settled for searching for the source of the noise. When she saw the person, she backed away a few paces, only really stopping to look after a bit of extra distance was created.

The 'intruder' was... a girl. Seemed harmless enough, at least, but Faye wasn't one to trust easily. Especially when the person in question asked things that were a little too personal - a little too insightful.

"I..." She crossed her arms in a highly-defensive posture and cast a glare toward the girl. "I don't know what you're talking about," she lied.

In truth, she was bothered by the way the girl seemed privy to how indecisive and confused she was. Could it be that this was someone Spike knew, someone who recognized her as the crew member left behind? Or was something more shady going on? Could some of the Heads - or their underlings - really be so... not sinister looking? So young? Was this someone else like her, someone much older than she appeared?

"Who are you?"

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lilalbatross
2010-09-18 11:58 pm UTC (link)

She watched the reaction with an expression that could have been read as 'bored', but it was really just a lack of surprise. River was very interested in the movements, in the attempts to defend, in the way the stance of the woman changed when she was aware that she was under observation from more than just the cameras.

She decided to ignore the 'I don't know what you're talking about' because it gave way to a pointless argument that would hardly get the points across that she needed to, and settled on the second question.

"River Tam," she replied. "Sister to the Doctor of the same surname," she added, in case Faye had met Simon. That would add credit to the idea that she had not been sent her for malicious intent. Or perhaps she had, but she had been taken, just like everyone else. She was just as much a captive here as Faye was.

She supposed that she could then turn the statement around, state that she was aware who Faye was, but she supposed that would not help her to make friends with this woman, assuming that was her intention. She honestly wasn't really sure why she was here, except that she felt that she needed to be. "Who are you?"

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poker_alice
2010-09-19 05:59 pm UTC (link)

Faye's eyebrows arched and her nose scrunched a bit as she searched her mind for recollection of River's brother. She didn't think she knew a Dr. Tam, but she couldn't be certain. Placing faces with names was far from her strong point when she was so stressed out, and thinking of people other than Spike was a difficult task. Maybe it was someone Spike had known, being that he was so prone to getting himself injured. Or maybe it wasn't. Maybe he wasn't even a medical doctor.

Either way, Faye wasn't too keen on meeting the man. She didn't like doctors, considering the unpleasant experiences she'd had. Something about being frozen for most of her natural life, thawed out in an entirely new world, and saddled with piles of medical debts she'd never agreed to carry made her dislike all medical professionals on a matter of principle. So Dr. Tam could just stay wherever he was and leave her alone, for all she cared.

His sister, however... Well, Faye wasn't quite certain whether River was alright or not. The girl seemed to be the exact opposite of dangerous or sinister, but she'd known a little too much. Or implied a little too much. Was it that Faye was just so obvious? Was it that Spike knew River, perhaps through her brother? She'd never find out if she just stood there staring at the girl.

"Faye Valentine," she introduced herself. Though she offered a vague, forced smile of greeting, she retained the defensive stance. Her hands rubbed at her arms as if she were cold, and she considered asking how River had guessed - or known, or made an educated assumption about - how fractured her state of mind was. It just... didn't seem like the right thing to ask. How did one go about a question of that sort? How could she ask such a thing without breaking her lie of not knowing what River was talking about or admitting that she really didn't know what she wanted?

"What are you doing down here?" she asked instead. And once she'd realized how standoffish and stupid the question sounded, she shook her head and tried again. "I mean... how... I didn't hear you approaching. How'd you do that?"

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lilalbatross
2010-09-21 11:22 am UTC (link)

A swirl of emotions flooded her, and she felt a sudden inexpressible empathy towards Faye. She wanted to say, 'I know. I know how it feels. I have been there myself and still struggle to recover from it' but she couldn't. Not only because she couldn't find the words, but because her innate knowledge of things was frightening the other woman and... River didn't want that. She was already enough of a deer caught in the headlights. River didn't need her to bolt away. She had questions of her own, she thought. Reasons of her own for coming down here and seeking out Faye, though she wasn't certain she was aware of them yet.

"Looking for..." she trailed off, her hand moving over the air in front of her as if she was painting a picture. She looked genuinely confused and uncertain as to what she was looking for, and she licked at her lips briefly, her eyes all but welling with tears as she regarded Faye again and shook her head. "Walked," she said, lifting her feet one at a time to indicate that was how she'd gotten here. "Present before you arrived," she murmured, and realized belatedly that that was a doubly accurate statement if one took into account actual arrival dates. But she supposed that was neither here nor there.

"Didn't mean to startle," she added. "Walked quietly. May have been viewed as invisible."

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poker_alice
2010-09-27 03:12 am UTC (link)

Faye wished she could make heads or tails of the girl, but it was all so confusing. She didn't even understand what River was attempting to explain she was looking for. A person? A thing? She sighed softly and chewed on her lower lip, half-shrugging. Something about River's lack of explanation made her weary, but at the same time... Maybe that explained the strange insight.

Perhaps the girl was uncertain of what she, herself wanted. That would explain the question, and the assumption which had to lead to it. Right?

"Were you... looking for someone?" She toyed with the collar of her shirt as a means of having something to do with her fingers and tried to force a slightly more relaxed posture. "I was. Sort of." And, just to add to the attempt to look less like a deer in headlights, she forced a small laugh. Unfortunately, it was far too easy to discern as faked. But at least she'd tried... or so she told herself.

Faye wanted Spike back. That much she knew. She wanted to have the dead man back, and she wanted him to be resurrected (again) and... What? She wanted him to keep pretending she didn't matter? She wanted him to fall in love with her? Really, she didn't even know what she wanted when it came to things that were usually set in stone. Maybe the stress was to blame. Or maybe she'd finally lost her marbles.

"It's... okay," she said, giving River one of those glances which usually suggested uncertainty. "You shouldn't sneak up on people, though. It's..." What? A good way to get shot? Yeah, maybe if there was ammo, that would be an accurate warning. "Never mind. I shouldn't even be down here. Don't know why I bothered trying."

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lilalbatross
2010-09-28 08:34 am UTC (link)

She watched as Faye tried to figure out what to make of her - it was not an unfamiliar experience for her. Most people didn't know what to make of her when they first saw her. She was patient, looking but trying not to stare, until Faye asked a question. Her face lightened slightly, as though that thought had just occurred to her, and she nodded her head slightly.

"Yes," she murmured. "Someone. Soul has departed, perhaps long before taken, no longer present yet here all the same in thoughts and expressions..." her eyes settled on Faye significantly at that, before moving again, around the room. Her fingers followed the trail of her eyes as though continuing to paint an invisible design that only she could see.

"Can watch out for myself," she murmured in response to Faye's... warning? Suggestion? River wasn't certain what Faye was trying to get at there. "And know why you bother trying - your concern is not wanting to continue."

Her eyes moved away. "Emotions, though, have no off switch," she said sadly.

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poker_alice
2010-09-30 12:59 am UTC (link)

A chill ran through Faye's spine with the girl's words. A departed soul taken long ago? It fit so well with what Spike thought of himself - or, really, what Faye knew him to be. He was a dead man brought to life... then taken away again. She didn't know what to say, but she wondered again if River was an acquaintance of Spike's. Or perhaps she meant Lily. The witch had mentioned being dead to some, hadn't she? Faye couldn't remember directly.

She moved slightly to follow River with her gaze. The girl was so strange, yet so intriguing all the same. A peculiar creature, yes, but one she'd like to know more about. Especially when it came to that unexplained level of insight...

Faye's eyebrows knitted together and she tilted her head slightly. River was right again. She'd bothered trying to find a distraction because she was afraid of what Spike's second death meant to her. She hadn't fully considered the possibility of not wanting to continue, but her heart was certainly straining in the circumstances.

"No," she sighed. "Emotions can't be turned off."

Finally, she saw a reason to soften around the girl: the sad tone in which River had spoken. Maybe it wasn't easy to understand the how or comprehend the why, but River understood on some level. Maybe she'd lost someone to this 'sending home' trend, or maybe she just knew what it felt like to be so lost and torn. The defensive stance lessened a bit and she glanced toward River, sniffling a time or two to ensure she could keep the urge to cry at bay.

"Did you... know Spike?" she asked. There was a short pause, then she clarified, "I mean, it sounded like... you could have been describing him."

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lilalbatross
2010-10-01 07:20 am UTC (link)

"Spike," River repeated slightly, her posture freezing abruptly as a slew of memories that were associated with that name hit her very suddenly. She frowned a bit, tilting her head to the side, and then back up before she nodded her head, looking half upwards as though she could peer through the floor to where his room was. "Yes," she decided, the sudden aching in her chest becoming clear - she hadn't realized she'd grown attached during their brief conversation over the network. Or at least... how attached she'd grown.

"Didn't even say goodbye," she murmured softly, not certain exactly where she'd been going with that. The few people in her life that she'd been close to had all died without saying goodbye, why she expected this to be different was beyond her. But maybe this was more about communal grief than it was about her own personal needs.

"Do not mean to intrude," she repeated, though this time she was referring to any stray thoughts she may be picking up from Faye. "Was feeling... lost, today. Could not determine reasons why."

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poker_alice
2010-10-02 06:42 am UTC (link)

Faye figured the frozen posture was a sign of knowing Spike. She reacted much the same to his memory... And that's what he was, again, wasn't it? She sighed and closed her eyes for a few seconds, opening them only in time to catch the last motion or two of River's nod. It was equally ironic and painful, the way River mentioned that he'd not said goodbye. She likely hadn't been given much chance to get to know the lunkhead, but already they had that much in common with regards to losing him.

"He never does," she whispered, swallowing in attempt to fight the tightness of her throat. Spike never said goodbye. He just... died. He fought until the very end, and then he ceased to exist. It was how it had happened, minus the actual death, when he'd saved her. It was the complete story of how he'd died a year ago. And now...

She knew he wouldn't have gone without a fight. Even if they drugged him. Spike died fighting; she knew it - or, at least believed it - in her heart. He'd have made his last thoughts just as harsh and unyielding as the actions he might have been incapable of taking. That was just who he was. She supposed it should be comforting, but it wasn't. Not really. Death was death, regardless. He was... gone. Again. And she felt sort of lost, though it was somewhat bothersome to hear River state the same.

"You and me, both." Faye's voice cracked, and she turned her head away when a single tear finally slipped past her best efforts to contain it. Quickly, she wiped her eye with the back of a hand and pretended the slip had never happened. "'S not right, this... bullshit. Everything feels wrong, today."

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