|Christopher Silas (nojewfrohere) wrote in immune_ic,|
@ 2013-03-02 17:56:00
|Entry tags:||# 2013  march, rae, silas|
That wasn’t how Silas had wanted to say it. Fitting it into a sentence like that, acting like it was no big deal. Like it had already been said. God, what kind of an idiot was he? Couldn’t even tell the woman he loved that he loved her the right way. He’d had better opportunities to say it and he’d missed them. Or ignored them out of fear. Three little words, and now they didn’t seem that scary. But he knew her response now too, so that was different.
He couldn’t take back how he’d said it, but he could make up for it. The boredom that had felt earlier had just as quickly dissipated when Rae said she would push back her medical crash course with Talia to come by his room, so he could do it right the second time around. He hoped he could say it right this time. Was there a wrong way to say it? He was so out of his depth. Or not really, but it felt like that. This was a big thing, even if he’d made it seem like it wasn’t.
At least he didn’t have to do it in a fucking hospital gown, so he’d get to keep some dignity. But he was still mostly stuck in the room, unless he managed to sneak out past the medical staff for a smoke. Which he thought was going to be a lot easier in theory, but in practice was difficult. There were a lot more medics roaming around than he’d ever thought. And god, he didn’t even think of it until now, but what if one of them walked in on his little confession and destroyed the moment? Why hadn’t he thought of that? Or proofread his fucking post.
Better yet, why was he having a meltdown about it? It was Rae, who he loved, who loved him, and all he was doing was saying three little words to her face. Hadn’t he already admitted he loved her without saying those exact words? And he’d put her through enough lately that she deserved to hear it. He could do that. He could totally do that. It wasn’t something to get all torn up and stressed out over.
It wasn’t like he was doing something stupid like ending their relationship. It wasn’t something she’d be unhappy about.
Smoothing a hand over his face and hair, he shifted from the bed to pace, or to be up when she walked in. There was no way he was going to be in that fucking bed when it tumbled out of his mouth. It wasn’t a memory that he wanted connected to a hospital bed. And he had to laugh when he caught himself in the mirror, because he was wearing that t-shirt that Rae hated, which only made him think of the deal that they’d made about the thing. Not that it had been serious, it was just another thing to add to the list.
Saying ‘I love you’ to his girlfriend while wearing the t-shirt that she hated, after he’d already typed out a message including those three words. Man, he knew how to do something memorably at least.
He’d never admit to the way he jumped at the sound of the door hinges either. Because he wasn’t nervous. Nope, not in the slightest.
Except maybe a little.