Hogwarts Reunion Marked by Befuddlement
By Rita Skeeter
The much heralded first annual Hogwarts Reunion of 2024 was marked by a spectacular turnout and high levels of befuddlement amongst the attendees. Your faithful reporter, while mingling with the crowds, noted several examples of odd behavior. Molly Weasley, for one, was heard loudly remarking on the achievements of various grandchildren, including some that, this reporter assures you, do not exist as of yet (though given the fecundity of the family, anything is possible).
Lily Granger-Weasley, whose bosoms were strikingly displayed in Witch Weekly last week, was seen close to blows with Dean Thomas, accusing him of being Harry Potter's latest paramour. While our hero has certainly made his way through the wizarding world's list of eligible males in the years since the messy break up of his threesome with Draco Malfoy and Severus Snape, Mr. Thomas appears to still be happily married and not at all tempted by our Harry.
In addition to the striking displays put on by members of the Weasley clan, Professor Minerva McGonagall and the ever ghostly Professor Cuthbert Binns seemed to be experiencing confusion regarding the headmaster's position. This reporter saw with her own eyes a notice from Professor Binns to the rest of the Hogwarts staff ordering them down to the event and signed, inexplicably, Headmaster Binns. And Professor McGonagall was seen berating current Headmaster Severus Snape over his recent interactions with the Board of Governors. She was not, however, criticizing his conduct but informing him in no uncertain terms that he was not to usurp her position again.
Perhaps the most unexpected appearance of the afternoon was that of Blaise Zabini, who has not been seen since he disappeared into the Carthusian ice monastery ten years ago. Zabini, who was made much over by his family, spoke very little and wore a most unusual white robe. Your faithful reporter was unable to determine whether this foray into society was temporary or permanent, but given that he's lived as a monk for the past decade, ladies, it would appear that he's still single!