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Tweak says, "I'm hunting wabbit."

Peter Pettigrew (p__pettigrew) wrote in hogwarts_dawn,
@ 2021-04-10 16:16:00

Entry tags:

character: peter pettigrew, character: sirius black

RP: Sirius/Peter
Who: Sirius/Peter
When: 10 April
Where: an empty classroom on the third floor
What: Peter and Sirius try talking like adults

Peter showed up still a little surprised that Sirius had reached out first. Peter had wanted to, but he felt like he was intruding. It was why he hadn't reached out to Remus or James. Or even Lily. He wanted to, but it just felt like he didn't have the right. Maybe he would now, since Remus was proving that he really cared. Maybe Sirius cared too.

The idea was mind boggling. He was sure that Sirius would have forgotten by now, especially with all the new distractions. After all, there were so many new Potters to obsess over. But here they were, trying to talk like they were friends.

He cast a spell to change two chairs into big and comfortable arm chairs. They looked rather awful, large and low to the ground, with little aesthetic value, but they were the right shade of red and they were really comfortable "Hey," he said when Sirius stepped in from his seat. "Look what I made. They are awesome. Come and try it."

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_withoutacause
2021-04-10 09:39 pm UTC (link)

Sirius was looking forward to seeing Peter, which was more of a surprise than he'd expected it to be. He was still conflicted, mostly because James hadn't made any moves to forgive him. But in this Sirius had already decided to go his own way, and hope that James would forgive him later. Because Sirius missed Peter. It was just the truth. He had often taken Peter for granted, yes. Underestimated him, definitely. But he was still Peter, still one of literally four people that Sirius had ever truly trusted, and loved, and that didn't just go away. Peter was his friend, and maybe they could find their way to something even better than what they'd had before, considering where it had all led. Just thinking about what happened with the Marauders made Sirius want to throw up, or run away, or Obliviate himself. So he didn't. Sirius had always been great at not thinking about the things that could hurt him, and he wasn't about to start now.

"Hey!" He grinned, Peters enthusiasm was catching. "Those are great!" He threw himself into the armchair with wild abandon, sighing like a contented canine as he sank into its squashy depths.

"Perfect. You've outdone yourself Pete."

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p__pettigrew
2021-04-10 10:08 pm UTC (link)

"They look terrible," he said, chuckling. "Just the type of furniture Hagrid would have." Not that Peter was a connoisseur, but he knew enough to know how badly they looked.

Peter ruffled Sirius' hair without thinking. When he realized that he was doing, it was too late to stop without making it weird. "You look better than I expected." He didn't believe for a bloody moment that Sirius was really all right with everything that happened. "In the future, if you need to pick someone's mind, Padma is great, but I think all of the new generations are to pick," he teased.

"So how are you? For real. I'll start. Losing Cassandra sucks. We weren't in love, not like James and Lily, but I liked her and she liked me. Girls were always flocking to you and James but they never looked at me twice, but she did and I enjoyed talking to her, not just because she paid attention to me, but because she knew so much and we could talk about everything. Now she's gone, I don't have a job, and we don't get to finish the greenhouses. So yeah, it sucks," he said with a sigh.

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_withoutacause
2021-04-10 11:00 pm UTC (link)

The hair ruffle felt so familiar that Sirius didn't even think to question it.

"Duly noted," he said with an only slightly bitter laugh. "I think I'll stay in my own head though, unless there's no other option. I'm weird enough without all of this."

He shifted in the hideous but comfortable chair, contorting his body to find the perfect position where he could both lounge and give Peter his full attention.

"I'm really, truly sorry about all of that Pete. Cassandra was brilliant. You're right, she just sort looked at you and knew stuff, huh? I didn't know her as well as you did, obviously, but I liked her. I really did. She was a good person and I'll miss her. I'm sorry you never got to see where things could go with the two of you. I'm sorry you lost a friend. I'm sorry I wasn't me and you weren't you when it happened." That was the worst of it, for Sirius at least. He'd been Snape when he found out and hadn't cared in the slightest.

"Me, well, for real? I'm a fucking disaster. But what else is new, right?" He grinned, spreading his hands and gesturing to himself broadly. "When am I not a disaster? So, I'll get past this like everything else."

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p__pettigrew
2021-04-10 11:40 pm UTC (link)

Peter snorted. "I wasn't recommending trying this every other day, or even every other week. In fact, I'll be happy to not do it again, but I don't know if the castle agrees. I want to talk to Padma and maybe Harry to see if we can have a Department of Mystery, not to study the arrivals but the castle's magic so it doesn't fuck with us."

The chairs were like giant slime moving with you and Peter was loving it. "It's almost like swimming, isn't it? You can lay back and relax," he said, trying to focus on that instead of the rest.

"Thank you and she was brilliant. I think the visions gave her insight that wasn't just about what she saw, but also about human nature." He reached out and squeezed Sirius' hand. "That isn't your fault. Or mine. I didn't even care when I found out. The castle did that to us. You want to take the blame, do it for the things you do, not the ones you can't control."

Peter sighed. "Remus pointed out that we fucked up last time for not talking, and I'm trying, I'm telling you how I feel. I'm not saying it's a quid pro quo, but he's right, you know? It does feel better. If you want to talk, I won't tell anyone, not even Remus and James." So they can't judge was left unsaid, because Peter knew that Sirius would care about what they thought.

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_withoutacause
2021-04-10 11:57 pm UTC (link)

"That's a really good idea," Sirius said, enthusiastically. He loved magic. He loved the way it worked, he loved finding new uses for it. He loved the way it felt and moved and lived all on its own. He wondered who he'd have to convince to let him work there, if it happened. "I'll back you, if you want to bring it up to him."

He squeezed Peters hand back, his smile dimming to something sadder and more sympathetic.

"It might not have been my fault, but I'm still sorry it happened. She, and you, deserved better than that." He wondered if a memorial was being planned. He'd have to ask Harry about that too.

Sirius swallowed hard, and stared up at the ceiling without letting go of Peters hand.

"I don't want to talk," he admitted. "If I had my way I'd never think or talk about any of it ever again. But Remus is right. Like he always is. We didn't talk to each other, and look how it ended. I don't want that Pete. I want us to be better. I know that means me, as much or more than any of us." He sighed, throwing his legs over the arm of Peters brilliant chair.

"I... I don't think about stuff. About things that happened to me. And things I let happen. And things I did... Pretty much anything bad I push away, because... Well, that's the fucking question. Isn't it. Because I don't know how to deal with it? Maybe? Because I can't fucking cope? Whatever. I, I don't think about it. So if I don't think about it then I don't talk about it either. Like that will make it all not real. But, now there's someone out there, someone who knows everything I refuse to think or talk about. And she's good, she's great, she won't say anything. But she knows, and I'm having a really fucking hard time getting past that. Because she knows, and that makes it fucking real." He turned back to Peter with a strained smile. "And before you say anything I know I'm messed up and I know this is a stupid way to think and all of that. But I want to be open with this shit so, that's it. That's what's up my ass today. She knows, so I have to know, and I can't stop... Dwelling."

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p__pettigrew
2021-04-11 12:22 am UTC (link)

"Let me speak to Padma first. She was part of the Dumbledore's Army, although why they called it that when it was really Potter's Army, but he might listen to her more than either of us," Peter said. "She'd know how to present it to him, because magic is cool to study isn't something that'll convince him."

Peter snorted. "No shit. And you think I enjoy talking about Cassandra. It hurts, but also Remus is right, it helps while hurting. I think it'll hurt more in the long run, keeping all that hurt makes me angry and frustrated and ready to lash out." What Sirius was saying was so much what he'd been thinking about.

"We all do it, hide our feelings. I think- I've been thinking about it and I think we were always like that, but in school, we had a way to let that frustration and anger out. the Slytherins, the pranks. Once school was over, we had all of those feelings and we didn't know how to deal with them." He sighed again. "Cassandra was good at making my talk and things feels less hopeless when we were done." He looked at Sirius for a moment and then decided to go for broke. "It was real before she knew, Sirius, because all the fucked up things you hide made you do other fucked up things. Maybe it's time to stop dwelling and be a Gryffindor. Talk about it and make them real on your terms. Talk to her, to James, to Remus, to me, to your brother. Just talk to someone."

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_withoutacause
2021-04-11 12:34 am UTC (link)

"I know," Sirius whispered. "I know you're right. I just... I don't want to." It sounded so lame, even to himself. I don't want to. How fucking childish.

"I don't know how," he admitted, letting go of Peters hand and sitting it. He'd unloaded to James. He'd confided he's fears to Remus. But somehow Peter was easier to talk to. Maybe because it wouldn't destroy him as much if Peter pushed him away.

"It's not like you guys don't already know. At least, you know how fucked up my family is. You know my parents, they were, well, they were them." This wasn't coming out right. "They were abusive fucks. I, uh, I didn't get it when I was a kid. The things they, my mother, would do to me. I thought it was normal. And I learned to just... Turn off. Smile. Laugh. Swear. It pissed her off, but, but then there was something she was angry about. Something that I had control over. If she was going to hurt me at least she was hurting me for reasons that I could understand. And then I got older and I started doing things specifically so she would hurt me. I goaded her, I made her do it because at least then she was looking at me. You know?" He wasn't articulating it right. And he still wasn't telling Peter anything that secret. His friends could have figured all that out from context clues. But he didn't know if he was even capable of delving deeper than that. It was already more than he'd said out loud.

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p__pettigrew
2021-04-11 12:44 am UTC (link)

"We probably guessed it, or assumed, but Sirius, talking about it helps you. It's not about the details, that's-" That was sick beyond words. "It's not about you saying every little thing that happened but it's about you saying that it happened in the first place."

Peter was trying to pick his words carefully, because he couldn't remember Sirius ever opening up and he didn't want to get it wrong, but he was sorting out his own problems and sometimes things came out wrong. "I think that's why I was so angry with James and you. How dare you question me for what I did? I have my reasons. What I mean is- you learn to push things down, laugh off when people fuck up, but then when you fuck up, you want people to laugh it off. We do the same thing and it's- fucked up. I owe James a real apology, not one with qualifiers, and that's- that's on me."

He ran his fingers through his hair. "I guess what I'm saying is that you need to stop pretending that you aren't upset with what happened. Maybe- talk to your brother. It sounds like you were trying to protect him in your own fucked up way." Because of course Sirius would think that protection meant pissing his mother's off. "And talk about what makes you angry. Again I'm not talking about the details. You don't have to share those if you don't want to."

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_withoutacause
2021-04-11 01:03 am UTC (link)

It was about you saying it happened in the first place. It was so simple but such a fucking revelation at the same time that Sirius felt like he'd been hit with a fire poker.

"My mother hurt me." He whispered, again, trying his best to take what Peter was saying to heart. "My... My mother, starved me. And tortured me, for years. She tried to kill me. My father asked her to."

For a second he thought me might never be able to breathe again. But then he was testing in a ragged gasp and moving from his chair to Peters without really thinking about it. He held his friend close, and he didn't cry, but it kind of felt like he was with the way he was breathing.

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p__pettigrew
2021-04-11 01:15 am UTC (link)

Peter made room and hugged Sirius. He couldn't imagine what it would be like to have your own parents hurt you so much. For all of the problems he had growing up, he always knew that his mother loved him.

"I'm sorry, Sirius. I'm so sorry, but whatever happened, no matter what you did or said, it wasn't your fault. Parents shouldn't do that," he said, squeezing Sirius gently. "It was never your fault and what they did was wrong. They were wrong."

He kissed Sirius' head. "I know that this doesn't make it go away, but maybe you can move forward now, because you never did anything wrong."

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_withoutacause
2021-04-11 01:25 am UTC (link)

Sirius choked on a laugh, because some habits never died and he'd even laughed when James died he'd seen the damn newspaper clipping of him looking fucking psycho as he laughed and laughed...

"I did a lot of things wrong," he gasped out between desperate little giggles. "I, I did so much wrong. With you. With Reg. Fuck, I did it so wrong with him. I, I never told him. I never let him know what she did, how bad it was, how close I come to just... I never told him any of it because I didn't want him to know. I wanted to keep him safe and away from it and I never wanted to let mother do to him what she did to me so I hid it all from him for our entire lives and then I got so angry at him for not knowing! Isn't that just the most fucked up thing. I wanted him to stop her. I wanted him to save me. But I didn't want him to know and I didn't want him near her, and I just stayed angry and decided that he chose them, that he picked our parents. That he thought everything they did to me was right when there wasn't any way he could know because I didn't tell him. Then I left him there and it was all for nothing anyway because they fed him to the fucking Death Eaters and he died thinking I don't fucking love him and I still can't fucking talk to him about it because I still don't want him to know!"

He broke down into giggles then, twitching laughs that shook his shoulders and caught in the back of his throat.

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p__pettigrew
2021-04-11 01:42 am UTC (link)

Peter grinned. "I didn't say you were a saint. I know you; I know what you can do." He rested his head against Sirius for a moment. "Thing is, no matter what you did, a parent shouldn't act the way they did. You also can't compare what happened with them with what happened with me or even Regulus. That's where you're driving yourself crazy. Your relationship with your parents is a different beast than what you have with people your age."

He nodded slowly. "Of course it's fucked up, but you were a kid. Of course you made stupid choices. You're supposed to. The point is to stop making stupid choices when we grow. I'll let you know when that happens, because I've made some pretty fucked up choices myself," he said with a sigh.

"Time to grow up, then. Talk to him, Sirius. He is your brother and he spent the last week thinking he was married to Remus. He knows things, maybe now he can understand a little better." It also would help Sirius, because Remus seemed to like Regulus and if they became friends, Sirius needed to know how to handle that.

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_withoutacause
2021-04-11 01:49 am UTC (link)

Sirius nodded, forcing deep breaths to stop the laughter.

"Yeah. Yeah. I, I get that second chance. We don't usually get those, huh?"

It was very, very weird to think of Regulus being married to Remus, even if they thought they were Lily and James. He had to stamp down very hard on the angry, jealous voice in his head that said Remus was his. Remus was his own damn person, and Sirius could fuck right off with that.

"Fuck, sorry Peter. I..." He didn't even know how to begin apologizing for just verbal vomiting all over him like that. Or how to thank him for it. Because he did actually feel better. Not good, no, but better. He'd been a twitchy, manic, ridiculous mess all week and for the first time he felt like maybe, maybe he could get a handle on himself.

"Thank you.." The words were breathy but extremely heartfelt. "That was a lot to throw at you but, thank you. If you want to unload anything on me, I'll listen."

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p__pettigrew
2021-04-11 02:07 am UTC (link)

"No, we usually don't. In fact, history tells us we all had very fucked up lives with very few second chances or even happy moments. This time, we should fix it," Peter said. "We should be happy, and maybe we can stop being so angry at each other."

He shook his head. "Don't worry about it. We're friends, right?" He chuckled. "I think I have already." Whether Sirius had heard it while having his melt down he didn't know, but just having said it, having come to certain conclusions had helped.

"And Sirius, now that you've talked about this, don't start bottlign other things up until you explode again," he said softly. "I know having Lily back changes things again,and I'm not saying that you don't like her because I know you do, but it's still different."

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_withoutacause
2021-04-11 02:18 am UTC (link)

"We're friends," he said, and now there really was no hesitation to it. Peter was his friend. One of his best friends. And he'd fucked it up before but he wouldn't this time. Peter was his friend and he wasn't going to be conflicted about that anymore.

"We're more than friends. We're the Marauders. I don't want us to lose that. I thought I did, maybe, I thought that we'd fucked it up too much, but we haven't. You, Remus, James. You're my best friends in the whole world, and I love you Peter. I'm sorry I didn't always show it. That changes now, and you can call me out whenever you need to. And you can unload on me more, if you need that. I heard what you said, even if I was freaking out, and I know there's a lot there for you too. I won't interfere with James and Lily, that's your thing with them, but I'll listen if you need to talk about it more."

He hadn't even really processed Lily being back, beyond being happy to see her. Lily means sharing James. But that was another very petty, selfish thing and he wasn't going to let it go further than his own head.

"I'll try. Bottling is my specialty though. I'm going to have to work on it."

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p__pettigrew
2021-04-11 02:43 am UTC (link)

Peter was not going to ruin Sirius' day today. He didn't think the Marauders could actually be what they used to be, because they had all grown up and they had other interests, but that didn't meant that they stopped being friends. "We can be grown up Marauders. Be less stupid than before, but still be best friends, yeah?"

He nodded. "Thank, but I think I need to speak with James, before I approach Lily. He deserves that, because I was sort of an arse when we talked. I was so... defensive. If I attack, he can't tell me anything, right? I guess I knew that he wouldn't forgive me and that was my way to push him away before he pushed me away."

Peter sighed. "Right, so if you want to talk about James or Remus- I'm here, okay? I promise that I'm not in love with either so I can be impartial," he said, trying to sound like he was joking, but he mean it.

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_withoutacause
2021-04-11 02:52 am UTC (link)

"Yeah. Yes. Exactly. Best friends. Less stupid. All of that."

He nodded, patting Peters head fondly before settling against his shoulder. He never saw anything weird about being affectionate with his friends, and it was nice being close to Peter again.

"Yeah, you should talk to him. And trust me, I know all about pushing people away so you don't get hurt. But... Maybe he'll surprise you. If you're honest, and open. Talk to him like you're talking to me." James had been badly hurt, but that didn't mean he couldn't forgive. Sirius knew James, and he knew how hard it was for him to be angry with Peter. "Whatever happens you can talk to me about it."

Sirius definitely did not want to talk about James or Remus. At least, not in the way that Peter was implying. Sirius knew his friends loved him. He also knew they weren't in love with him, and he was just starting to really come to terms with the fact that he might be totally in love with both of them and how utterly futile that was, and he could really only do so much self reflection in one day.

"Very funny," he said, playing along with the joke they both knew wasn't a joke. "But thank you."

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p__pettigrew
2021-04-11 03:13 am UTC (link)

"Especially the less stupid," he said with a tiny smile.

"I will. He might want a few days with his wife first now that they remember each other. Maybe tomorrow." Or maybe next week. Just because he talked about being brave, he didn't always have to be. "I promise that I'll talk to you if I need it."

He rolled his eyes, but he wasn't ready to let it go. "I grew up poor. I had so few things that I held on so tightly because I was afraid that I'd lose them and then I'd have nothing. That's not being in love- It's fear, but enough about my problems. Show me the map." He'd let Sirius think about that and hopefully he'd get it but in the meantime they could see what they could do with the map.

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