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Tweak says, "the cub caught the lion's prey"

ellnyx (ellnyx) wrote in het_challenge,
@ 2008-09-05 12:57:00

Entry tags:

f: final fantasy 12, r: promptbuilding

how to go on not looking [ffxii, balthier/ashe]
~I don’t know whether to be proud or horrified.
~I apologise for Basch, but, er......
~Apologies also for the ff.net link. Apparently 17100 words is not a happy size for LJ.

Fandom: FFXII
Author: logistika_nyx
Title: How To Go On Not Looking
Pairing: Balthier/Ashe
Characters: minor Basch daydreaming over Balthier, assorted Dalmascans
Ratings/Warnings: R, post-game, non-linear timeline (dated), sex, life
Prompt: “…they buried her alive in 1945.”

.

Not to look back, Ffamran wrote, I’ve learned that lesson well.

.

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sarasa_cat
2008-09-16 08:43 pm UTC (link)

So many excellent future fic ideas in this story. Very emotionally painful.

Some honest concrit: Overall, the story left me wanting something more -- more explanation and more exactitude through showing what is going on in each character just before each of their transitions. The individual scenes are each well crafted but the larger story felt like it wasn't given enough space. Either too many story ideas for the length devoted to it or not enough length to flesh out character motivations/transitions/changes in full. Thus, the transitions between scenes and between presentations of character's states of mind felt a bit jarring. It came together during the final 1/3 (when Ashe sends Ffam away to the end) but, at least for me, it felt bumpy getting there. D:

The dialog is excellent and telling. I think it's the exposition in the middle of the dialog that gave me problems. In a few places the prose didn't flow as well (mechanically, stylistically) as your prose often does and in other places it felt like the words wanted to say much more than you were willing to allot space to saying. Thus, in those places the story either felt a little constipated (?!) or as if beating around the bush. BUT, the dialog between characters provided the real honest, powerful moments. Thus, when I say that some of the ideas in this story feel like they need more space, they might not necessarily need more words. It might be a matter of trimming and pruning?? Not sure. I'm still trying to decide if the story didn't feel tight enough (thus pruning is needed) or didn't feel rounded out enough (thus more words needed).

In the first half, I found myself rereading a lot to see if I missed something between the lines. Basch confused me at times. There is much implied but not enough space given to let him breathe. But, that may be an issue of fanfic vs orig fic. Or shared headcanon. Or such.

Balthier's dialog was consistently brilliant. And so emotionally painful especially when he's out with Basch. Outstanding ideas in this story -- the IDEAS in this story are excellent and painful and powerful. I love all that Balthier goes through in this story. He is round and emotionally raw and just freakin' excellent and I *felt* for him as this whole story moved forward. It just seemed that everyone else was a little weak/flat.

Perhaps others will violently disagree with me regarding my crits and say that I'm smoking crack??? Maybe it's just me, you know, and all the annoying noise outside my window while I'm trying to read.

The final two scenes worked really well, especially Balthier's final scene.

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ellnyx
2008-09-16 11:37 pm UTC (link)

Thanks for the concrit. When it comes down to it everyone has great ideas, but it’s the skill of representation that makes it sing.

From what I can see you’ve picked up on three points that are currently causing me considerable grief with how my writing’s evolving:

- Tendencies for length (nyx wants to write novels) and unfamiliarity/impatience with such a structured thing
- Inability to determine a structural/textual method that I’m comfortable with (transitions) for indicating ‘in chapter’ breaks and leaps in POV, which leads me to skim an awful lot just to get to the point
- Basch, Basch, Basch: why do you do what you do, and why is it always exactly the wrong thing???

And then there’s that whole 'internal-monologue'/'exposition versus dialogue'/'show versus tell' stylistic issue that I’ll get around to resolving one day. I’ll write more on these in bunny_bit_me, I think, because that second point listed has been BUGGING me something chronic since I started North Star and put Clear Blue on hold. But as to this fic:

Length-wise, it was one of those that I thought would be a string of drabbles linked, about 3000/4000 – at 17000 words it’s over half the size of Progress. What I should have done was flesh it to that 30000 word mark, and make it a /story/ instead of a cluster of disconnections. Instead, I compressed, and cut and pasted any unresolved chunks into existing ‘chapters’. There would have been more Ashe-Basch letters, and Basch-Balthier letters; there would have been a couple of scenes where Ashe makes decisions to overrun Ffamran’s, where ‘Queen’ role supersedes all of Ashe that wants to be Ashe until she disappears – and also, critically lost I think, is how terrified Ashe is of pregnancy (female/vulnerable) and how much she wants to just submit and let Balthier take control, thus she has to make him an enemy.

With Basch I admit he got scrunched; with Ashe, I feel like her self-deceptive POV (all those words with no meaning!) totally got in the way.

Hence the:

… places it felt like the words wanted to say much more than you were willing to allot space to saying. Thus, in those places the story either felt a little constipated (?!) or as if beating around the bush.

Yes. Ashe never says what she wants to say. ^^ The most klutzy giant ‘reader beware’ gap I see is between Ashe and Ffamn dancing, and her utter rejection of him after she miscarries – that’s where most of the fleshing/conversing would have happened.

Ultimately, this was written very fast and with not nearly as much time or structure as Progress had, when I do think it should have been matching that length for the depth of ideas glossed over here. Plus I keep trying for that ‘what is unsaid’ poignant ache, when I always get better responses from the audience when I use my dialogue/blunt-description/shock-value instead. Should hone my strength instead of waving my weaknesses around.

This may also interest you.

PRIMARY BIG ISSUE: I need to just deal with the fact I want to write novels, or very specific Andante-equse fanfiction/characterisation nods. Half story and half not just doesn't work for me.

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myeerah
2008-09-18 10:14 am UTC (link)

If it helps, I actually dug on the things left unspoken. The implication that Balthier was punishing himself for leaving Fran to die by stubbornly sticking to his decision to stay with Ashe. The resentment that started with the first, failed pregnancy—a sort of, "You did this to me!" compounded by the later, "And you didn't even do it right!" Basch feeling slighted that he was never told Balthier survived in the form of Ffamran, but still longing for him nonetheless. Those may have lost some poignancy if you spell them out too hard.

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ellnyx
2008-09-21 12:20 am UTC (link)

That's very true and I did want everything to be vague and achy and unspoken. Those issues you mention were the major ones that I wanted to write into this, so they got dealt with better than the others. The bits that probably need the clarification are more centred around Basch and his involvement, with a few more sentences neatened to clear up Ashe's motivation. The scene where Basch lets Ffamran go, either back to Rabanastre or 'away' (which is what Basch hopes, so he can keep dreaming about Balthier) is especially ambiguous.

I have trouble writing Basch and Ashe POV at the best of times, though. As well as technical issues. This whole text definitely needed more transitions for legibility, gah, way too long to be written as a one-shot.

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