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Ryan Hertz (glasshalfdoomed) wrote in gooseberry,
@ 2017-01-09 22:37:00

Entry tags:

! log, ryan hertz, zoey valentine

WHO: Ryan Hertz and Zoey Valentine
WHEN: Monday evening, January 9
WHERE: The Lodge
WHAT: Ryan and Zoey hang out. Talk. You know. Stuff.

It might have been weird to find himself hanging out in the lodge again, after just being forced to stay there all night, but Ryan hadn't really minded last night's impromptu quarantine of sorts. He was becoming used to them, and it was easy enough to find a book from the library to pass the time. Of course, sleeping had proven a little more difficult. He wasn't exactly scared of all the things he'd heard people talking about seeing or hearing normally, but last night it had seemed much more possible. And then there were the thoughts of his father. Typically, he could keep them locked away deep down, but with the mention of parent teacher conferences and with everyone being locked to sleep somewhere that wasn't typical for them, he found himself tossing and turning more than usual. He also found himself remembering more and more of his past, which had stuck with him throughout the day today.

Once dinner was finished, he found a cozy place to sit, having brought a notebook and book to read. Ryan didn't mind his roommates most of the time, and he didn't today either, but a little peace and solitude was definitely called for.

Although, if he were honest, he would have admitted to feeling a little lonely. Oh well.

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valentinez
2017-01-20 10:38 pm UTC (link)

Z nods.

It's not that she doesn't want to see her mother -- they have their happy moments, still, gossiping about MACUSA things and plotting vacations or testing out recipes. It's just weird sometimes lately. More than it used to be. ...By a lot. She doesn't really say any of this out loud; it's sort of implied in the slump of her shoulders, and how she touches his fingers with her own.

"It'll be okay. Just something to get through. Maybe it'll -- it could be good, you know? I'm going to show mum the things I've been working on, and... If she sees them in the context of everything else, it could be helpful? But... Eh."

Likely not at all. A part of her knows this fairly well, but all of her readings have come up totally indecipherable lately; maybe the universe is still making up its mind about a lot of things, maybe it's okay to assume the best for once. It's less exhausting, even if it feels less true.

"What's eh about all of it for you? Do you want to talk about it?"

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glasshalfdoomed
2017-01-21 11:50 pm UTC (link)

He watches as she seems to think about all that this visit might entail, but like always, Z bounces back to trying to see the positive. He nods, having seen her with her mom a little bit over break. They didn't seem to be fighting all the time.

"Right. She might see them here and realize what you're doing and it will just click for her too," he says with a nod. "But eh is still appropriate all around." A small smile here, just to keep it light. Ryan can tell she needs to assume it will all go well, and he wants to make her feel better if she's worried too.

The smile fades back to the discomfort as she asks if he wants to talk, and only the fact that her fingers are brushing his own seems to make him feel like maybe he should be honest for once. "Ah. Well. It's stupid really," he starts, knowing he sounds like an idiot but he's not good at these things. "I just, I feel really bad that nobody is going to come for me. I wish I had people who cared about me or embarrassed me or got irritated with me if I did stupid stuff." His fingers stay on Zoey's, though it's hard to make himself look at her as he says this.

"Though I'm glad, in a weird way, that my dad wouldn't dare come. It would be worse..." Trailing off, he shakes his head. "He's just not the kind of parent I want."

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valentinez
2017-01-24 03:03 am UTC (link)

"It's not stupid," Z says. Her voice is quiet. She leans in a little, to feel more like they're in their own little bubble. A secret place. "Feelings are... feelings."

She understands what he means. There are moments she's felt selfish, allowing herself to get so disillusioned with her own situation when it's nowhere near so bad as it could be, as other people experience. It's all relative, of course, but it isn't when you're thinking of someone you really care for.

A detached sorrow enters her face: clearly not for herself, but for Ryan. She tries to smile at him, crookedly.

"I think... I know what you mean. And I think... It's valid, Ryan, you know? Everyone wants to be loved. Right? Everyone wants some kind of family. And sometimes, it's not... Not what you're born with, but what you find along the way."

Presumably? Hypothetically?

She's read somewhere that people often defined love based on the first ways they had experienced it. She wonders what that meant for Ryan.

"You can have mine, for what it's worth. Cathal will embarrass you for free."

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glasshalfdoomed
2017-01-25 12:27 am UTC (link)

Feelings are feelings, but they're also really hard for Ryan. He knows Zoey knows this by now, though, and it just means a lot that she's leaning into him as they talk. It makes him feel like maybe he can get it all out a little easier.

He chances a look at her, feeling his chest constrict a little at the sadness on her face. Ryan doesn't want her to think differently of him, to see him differently, but it's too late to stop now. He's actually kind of relieved to be telling someone besides Chris, and knows it's important for her to know.

Nodding at her words, he attempts a small smile. His thoughts drift to Chris and Mrs Park. They're family. They found him somehow, despite what he went through. "It's true. I do have people here who seem to fill that voice," he muses, but the shadow is still behind his eyes. "And it would be enough to just not have family like that rather than what mine do," he murmurs, not realizing at first that the words were spoken aloud. Damn.

His lips tug up at Zoey's offer, and he tries to mask the haunted look for a moment. "That's a pretty good offer. Are you sure?" He leaves off the 'sure I'm worth it', but it hangs there unspoken anyway.

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valentinez
2017-01-25 02:23 am UTC (link)

"Exactly. I mean -- That's not what family should be. Family shouldn't make you feel the way that... You know."

Ideally.

Ideally, certainly not. She knew it was impossible to just turn off the frustration or the pain -- but one could get a good start, maybe, if they started defining what was and wasn't acceptable on their own.

Still, she squeezes Ryan's fingers at the words. It's not that simple, of course. Being human.

Z pretends to think for a moment, tapping her chin. "Yes." I'd never say that if I didn't mean it.

Of course, he knows that. He's got to know that. So -- She doesn't say anything. She just presses a kiss to his cheek instead.

"Of course. Awkwardness. MACUSA posturing. Expectations. Lack of honest communication. It's all yours."

A teeny, teasing smile. "Or we can just run off together and really disappoint them."

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