Pyro (controlledburn) wrote in genome_project, @ 2010-05-30 21:51:00 |
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Current mood: | pissed off |
Entry tags: | may 2010 |
WHO: Sam and Jamie
WHAT: It looks like breaking friendships is going around >.>
WHERE: Town
WHEN: Saturday morning
RATING: PG-15 (Swearing, lots of swearing)
STATUS: Complete/Closed
As obtuse as Samuel Young was he was far more perceptive than most gave him credit for and whilst Jamie had continued to protest that everything was okay, Sam knew something was wrong. Something had been wrong the moment he’d started hanging out with Jessica and only gotten worse when Jessica had surprised kissed him.
Not that it stopped him from looking into apartments to rent, holding onto the fervent hope that Jamie was still serious about wanting to move in with him after they’d graduated and were doing something other than struggling with school.
Jamie was avoiding him, this much was clear by how Jamie kept taking those long annoying strides of his even as Sam called his name and pushed his way through the semi-crowded street of a bustling Saturday morning. Sam had a brief moment where he considered just saying ‘screw this’ but this was Jamie - his best friend - he wasn’t somebody Sam could just walk away from, even if it was oh so tempting.
In his hand were a couple of rolled up sheets of paper, all of which had the address and contact details for the apartments Sam thought were good possibilities, but he hadn’t had a chance to share any of this with Jamie because Jamie was going out of his way to have nothing to do with him.
Sam would be lying if he said it didn’t hurt.
“Jamie!” Sam yelled as he pushed his way through the crowd and sought out the taller teen’s arm, fingers curling around his sleeve to yank him around until he had to stop and actually pay him some attention. “What the hell, man? You going deaf in your old age?”
Jamie didn’t jump when Sam’s hand closed around his arm, but he did come to a halt. The truth was, he had heard Sam calling his name but he’d figured that if he kept walking, he wouldn’t snap or make some kind of stupid comment about Sam and Jessica. Considering he hadn’t graduated and he wasn’t going to - and what could he do with his life without a high school diploma? - until the end of the summer at the earliest, and he had figured some things about himself out in his conversation with his father, Jamie was still trying to process everything. It had meant that avoiding Sam seemed to be the best outcome of every one out there: he didn’t feel that stupid jealousy crawling underneath his skin and into his bones whenever he looked at Sam if he wasn’t around. He hated that feeling. He hated that he couldn’t seem to make it go away. Gah.
“I guess so,” he said, turning to look at Sam as he was yanked around. The grip on his sleeve had caused his shirt to pull tight over the curve of his elbow and he grimaced, gently pulling his arm back to himself. He rubbed at the inside of his wrist and looked down at the floor, the toes of his battered black and white converse.
He glanced up at Sam and then rubbed the back of his neck. He saw the paper in Sam’s hand, but he didn’t ask about it. It was none of his business. “Sorry Sam, didn’t hear you.”
Sam frowned a little at all of Jamie’s mannerisms unaccustomed to this side of Jamie, especially as he didn’t see it as often as everybody else and that was down to them being as close as they were. “Yeah,” he remarked unconvinced by Jamie’s explanation of why he just kept walking despite the fact Sam had quite the voice and knew how to project when he needed or wanted to.
“Any reason you’re avoiding me?” That was Sam for you, direct and to the point, not at all ready to dance around the question that had been haunting him for the last week or so since Jamie had decided to stop hanging out with him. “And don’t pretend that you haven’t because you have. I’m not an idiot, Jamie. What’s going on?”
He genuinely wanted to know especially as Jamie was pretty much all he had, the only person in Sam’s life that seemed to give a shit about him.
Jamie just looked startled for a moment before he recoiled a little, taking half a step backwards and folding his arms around himself almost protectively. He didn’t want to explain, but at the same time, he couldn’t lie. He sucked at lying to Sam: Sam knew him way too well for that. They understood and knew each other’s mannerisms inside and out. It made keeping things a secret from Sam very difficult.
He swallowed, looking up at the sky briefly before he looked back at Sam. “You’ve been busy. Besides, it- I- How’s Jessica?” he asked, tipping his head a little.
Sam’s eyebrow twitched as Jamie recoiled away from him - putting distance between them - and just pulled his jaw tight. “What’s that got to do with anything?” Sam asked, wondering why of all things to ask Jamie would ask that question.
Jamie was apparently going out of his way to avoid eye contact, which was disconcerting to say the least given that they’d never had an issue with it in the past. Before Sam had an inkling of a problem, but now he knew for certain that something was wrong.
“And if you’re that concerned for her welfare you could always ask her yourself.”
“What’s what got to do with anything?” Jamie asked, “Jessica? Well, since you and she are all friends and stuff now,” he lifted a shoulder and tried to look nonchalant. “Figured you’d know.” He had to go back to being tutored by her so that he could pass the classes that he’d failed over the year. It was just not cool. Considering he was trying to convince himself that he really didn’t care how Sam and Jessica felt about each other. Nope. He didn’t care. A part of him knew it was irrational. His father had reassured him, though, that it was okay. To an extent.
He lifted his shoulders again. “And I don’t care. I’m just trying to make conversation. Since you and she are doing the hanging out thing.” He’d already said it once, but he tended to repeat himself when he didn’t know exactly what he was saying. It was a classic sign that Jamie was flustered. Did he sound jealous? Jamie? No, don’t be ridiculous.
“No,” Sam stated bluntly. “You’re not just making conversation, you’re changing the subject and avoiding my question. I mean there’s got to be a reason you’ve been acting so weird recently.”
He scratched at his eyebrow and looked at Jamie. “What’s going on?”
“I’ve not been acting weird, I’ve been giving you and Jessica space to do your... thing.” Jamie grumbled folding his arms and then stuffed his hands into his pockets. He wet his lower lip uncomfortably and he rocked back and forth on his heels.
He felt like an idiot, already. “There’s nothing going on. I just- I’m just- Nothing.”
“Right,” Sam muttered with a shake of his head. “That’s why you’re positively vibrating on the spot. I mean, look at you, you’re rocking back and forth, not making eye contact, misdirecting.” He shook his head and looked at Jamie. “Yeah, okay, I’ve been hanging out with Jessica, but she asked for our help and I would’ve thought you of all people would have been happy that I was at least trying for once instead of just doing what I always do.”
His grip tightened around the papers in his hand. “Stop bullshitting me, Jamie and just tell me the truth.”
Jamie frowned, looking at Sam, distinctly unimpressed. “I’m glad you were helping her, yeah, but you didn’t- And I’m not misdirecting. I don’t think I’d know how to.” Though it would be a handy skill to have, to be able to actually change the flow of a conversation so that it went the way he wanted it to.
“I guess I’m glad that you and she are friends.” That did come out a tad bitter. “It’s all good, right? There’s nothing wrong, no problems. You helped her out and you made a new friend and there’s not a problem.”
“So, why do you sound so bitter?” Sam challenged as he held Jamie’s gaze. “I’m not allowed to have other friends? Is that it?”
Sure Jessica had kissed him at school and he’d kissed back, but they hadn’t spoken about it nor had they really mentioned it much afterwards. She had a list and PDA was on that list, she’d wanted to do it with somebody she trusted. The idea of Jessica trusting him of all people was dizzying at the very least, but it made a change from everybody hating on him.
Jamie narrowed his eyes a little, “That’s not what I said!” he protested, “I didn’t- I didn’t say that at all. Of course you can have other friends, why shouldn’t you have other friends?” He folded his arms defensively. “By all means, go out, make other friends. It’s just the best-”
He straightened up a little, in a way he did when he felt threatened or upset. He didn’t often draw himself up to his full height, most of the time he stood like he was uncomfortable in his skin. Mostly because he was, he was always totally conscious of just how much taller he was than most of his fellow students.
“And I’m not bitter. You’re your own man. You can be friends or... whatever with whoever you want to. It’s none of my business, right?”
Taller he might have been but Sam was demanding of his own space and attention of others whether he wanted it or not so he was more than able to dominate, it was how he dealt with the jocks most of the time. “Yeah,” he muttered. “What I do is none of your business and it never has been. You’re my best friend, Jamie, not my keeper.”
He flexed his grip around the papers and shook his head. “I just don’t understand what’s going on with you. “
“Heaven forbid I’d want to be your keeper,” Jamie snapped, shoulders tensing uncomfortably. He shook his head, errant strands of hair falling in his eyes. “And no, it’s none of my business what you do with your life, just like it’s none of yours what I do with mine, right? Because that’s how this works. Not like this is an equal friendship or anything.”
He growled under his breath and shook his head, feeling his temper irrationally bubbling underneath his skin. He hated not being able to say what he was thinking. He hated it.
“No? And why’s that, Sam? Hm? If I don’t have any right to know what’s going on in your life, whether or not I’m gonna be made to stand aside like some kind of idiot whilst you finish corrupting Jessica? I’m just- God, were you ever gonna let me in on that or was it just something that meant you guys were just- that I was supposed to find out then and there, standing on the side like an idiot?”
Sam’s eyebrow twitched as Jamie snapped at him and his eyes grew dark as the corners of each eye narrowed ever so slightly, feeling his temper building and twisting within a deep coil of himself, and Sam knew just how hard it would be to think past that overwhelming emotion once it had gotten hold of him.
“I had no idea that was going to happen until it did,” he snapped. “You really think I would do that to you? You really think I wouldn’t tell you?” Sam let out a short harsh laugh. “That’s nice, Jamie, that’s really nice. I mean we’ve been friends for how many years and that’s the first conclusion you jump to?”
He shook his head and stepped back, tongue sliding across his teeth just as his jaw tensed a second later. “You really think I would do that to you?”
“Not until the other day, no.” Jamie retorted, his own jaw tensing. He gripped his upper arms with his long fingers, trying to let the grip keep his cool. Not that his temper was anywhere near as dangerous as Sam’s.
He huffed out a breath and just shook his head, letting out a soft, but humourless laugh. “I know you guys must have planned that in advance, what, practised? Was it fun? How many other times did you get together with her, huh? The list was supposed to be something we all did together, but no, you guys just figured, what, it’d be more fun to do on your own?”
It was all born of a place of insecurity, on Jamie’s side, insecurity and jealousy. He might have a good family - a great family - but Sam was his best friend, the kind of anchor for Jamie’s world and half the time Jamie didn’t know where he’d be without Sam.
Sam had quite the physical reaction to Jamie’s words, flinching almost as if he’d been hit. He recovered quickly enough and just pulled his hand into a fist, feeling the familiar bite of nails into skin. “All the years of friendship and that’s what you think of me?” Sam swallowed hard and just kept his teeth bit together unable to think past the damning perspective Jamie seemed to have of him.
“Guess it’s good to know where I stand with you,” his voice was cold and void of emotion as Sam tapped into another emotion, one that was easier to handle than hurt, one that could keep his mouth running whilst his mind wanted nothing more than for this to be over and done with. “Nice to know what you really think of me.”
His hand flexed at his side before he fixed his dark gaze on Jamie. “And for your information, not that it’s any of your business, we didn’t practise. I thought she was going to kiss Nick, she kissed me and I ran with it, okay? Last time I checked that wasn’t a crime.”
“Don’t turn this into a thing where I’m being stupid, I’ve had enough of people dumbing shit down for me like I’m fucking stupid.” Jamie snapped, voice a low growl. He didn’t like how cold Sam’s voice had gotten, but he couldn’t quite just back off now. It felt like there was something that should happen here, and he needed to keep talking, get his opinion across.
He shook his head, pushing his hair back away from his eyes angrily. “No? So when you guys got together before hand, it was what? You guys went for ice-cream?” he asked, “I know you got high before, you told me as much, but the other time? Other times? How many times have you- I don’t care, Sam, I don’t fucking care if you and she want to go off and do fun fucking stuff but I don’t wanna be stuck on the sideline whilst you do your PDA shit. It wasn’t just because of the list, Sam, so don’t you bullshit me. I know it wasn’t just because of the list.” He’d seen the way Jessica had looked at Sam, and even the way that Sam had reached out to kiss her first.
How could he not have? He kept replaying the kiss over and over in his mind.
Sam’s brow furrowed and there was something in his eyes, something unreadable, before he just muttered, “fuck you,” as he responded to Jamie’s accusation of dumbing shit down. “This isn’t about whether or not you can read a sentence like the rest of us, this is about you being totally irrational and fucking unreasonable so don’t pull that card with me. Not when this has fuck all to do with any of that. Also? I never dumbed shit down for you, not like everybody else, so don’t you fucking dare say that to me again or God help me.”
He was vaguely aware that they were attracting attention, but it wasn’t like he cared all that much. “What I do with my time? Is my business. You don’t see me expecting a play by play of every single date you and Eleanor go on and don’t act like you don’t go out and enjoy each other’s company ‘cause I know you do.”
Sam’s nails bit into the flesh of his palm, drawing blood. “We kissed, big fucking deal. She only did it ‘cause she trusts me and I told her how to do it and what guys like. I was trying to help, but you’re acting like I went out of my way to make you look like an idiot.” He breathed out slowly, biting back on the emotion, drawing himself back to a cold place. “Why the fuck would I want to make you look like an idiot?”
“Or God help you what, Sam?” Jamie asked, lifting his jaw a little. “What, Sam? What would you do?” In this respect, Jamie knew it was more bark than bite: Sam would never hurt Jamie. No matter how much they might argue - though they didn’t do it very often and right now it felt wrong - Jamie was positive in his belief that Sam would never willingly physically harm him.
He rolled his eyes, “Yeah, sure, what you do with your time is your business. Like what I do with my time is my business. And if we’re going along that line, then how I think and what I feel is also my business, so what makes you think you can call me on it like this? Why would you give a shit about how I feel if it’s all just our own business?” he asked. “But yeah, sure, it’s your business. I’ll be sure to stay the fuck out of it from now on then.”
God, he sucked at arguing and he knew it. He didn’t know what to say to the Eleanor thing since they hadn’t been out in quite a while, though they did still talk. But there was nothing there, they just did things like skating and walking.
“You helped her, you totally helped her. So now what?” he asked, “You guys gonna go off helping her break more rules? How long before she creates another list and needs your help?” He challenged. “And I don’t know. But it happened. And Jesus- there was more there than just wanting to help her. She- you- Fucking hell, Sam.”
Sam’s eyes narrowed and there was a twitch in his hand, a twitch that might have turned into a punch had this been anyone other than Jamie. God, Sam hated that Jamie had this much power over him, that Jamie could stop him from hitting him just by being who he was.
“Guess that was my mistake,” Sam retorted angrily. “My mistake for actually giving a shit about your thoughts and feelings. I won’t make the same mistake again I can promise you that.” And there it was again, that coldness that was altogether more frightening than a raised voice.
Sam shook his head and just shrugged. “I dunno, Jamie. Maybe she’s done with me, maybe not, but I haven’t even thought that far ahead.” He stepped closer to Jamie. “Is that why you’ve been avoiding me?”
Jamie noticed that Sam hadn’t answered his question, not that it mattered, right? Because apparently they weren’t doing this thing anymore. There wasn’t going to be sharing and caring. Not that there had been over the last few days and Jamie hated how that had thrown him off and confused him more than it had any right to. He wished he could be angry at Sam for that. He hated that Sam had so much power over him, had such a sway over him.
“So that’s it then, huh? You’re just quitting because I said something you don’t like and finally actually asked a question?” His tone was angry, but there was hurt underneath it all. There always was. And the idea of losing Sam to someone else was one that didn’t sit well with Jamie. It never had.
The coldness in his voice made Jamie want to grab Sam and shake him, until something came back, some anger, some emotion.
“Is what why I’ve been avoidi- I haven’t! I’ve been giving you space to spend time with your new friend.” Jamie’s jaw tensed. “But it’s not like you’re caring anymore, right? Isn’t that what you just said? So even if I had been avoiding you, the reasons behind it wouldn’t matter?”
“Go to hell,” Sam responded. “I’m not the one accusing his so called friend of being cruel and unusual. I’m not the one putting words into other people’s mouths and I’m certainly not the one acting like an injured party.” His voice remained calm and steady, everything it shouldn’t be given the intensity of their argument. “God, Jamie, you really think I’d do that to you? That I’d deliberately set out to make you look like an idiot? Guess it doesn’t matter what I say considering you’ve already made your decision and drawn your own conclusion so why the fuck am I bothering trying to convince you otherwise, huh? For shits and giggles?”
He breathed out a short humourless laugh and shook his head. “Yeah ‘cause space means not answering your phone, not responding to text messages, pretending to be out when I come to your window and faking like you’re busy every time I want to do something.”
“Only reason we’re talking about this is ‘cause I called you out on this, only reason we’re arguing is ‘cause I finally got sick of being treated like a leper. Why the fuck do you think I did that? Why go through all that effort if all I’m going to do is give up and walk away, huh?”
Jamie bristled, not knowing what to say to that. He didn’t know how to argue with words, he wasn’t good with them and it was one of the many things that frustrated him. He floundered for words for a moment before he just shook his head, “There’s- so now I’ve actually got a life that doesn’t totally revolve around you and doing things whenever you want to means I’ve started avoiding you?” he asked, never mind that Jamie didn’t have anything better to do with his time than open his window for Sam whenever he came by or sneak out to go hang with him at two am when neither of them could sleep. “Don’t flatter yourself, Sam.”
Why did he say that? The moment it came out of his mouth he wanted to take it back. He wondered if he looked like he did.
“I don’t know, Sam, why did you? Are you gonna give up and walk away? Because you’re sounding like you are, talking about how you don’t wanna give a shit anymore, and that you think that maybe you made a mistake in sticking with me, isn’t that what you’re saying? That you’re starting to second guess me? Us?”
There was a crowd gathered around them now, people were watching but Jamie couldn’t stop himself even if he wanted to. He knew that Sam was probably in a similar position. The building next to them meant that they were kind of hemmed in by people on three sides and solid brick on the fourth, like some kind of grotesque stage.
Sam felt a flash of hurt that may or may not have been visible in his eyes at Jamie's words and given that Sam prided himself on not showing emotion or letting people know what he was really feeling he bit out a short very sharp laugh. "Right 'cause I'm just that pathetic, huh? Sorry for being such a burden on your very busy social life. Must suck to be you."
He pulled himself in, reeled back emotion, dragged words over his teeth and forced them back down his throat. It didn't last long, not when Sam had such little self control on a good day and this was not a good day. "I'm not the one accusing you of being cruel and spiteful, Jamie. That was you. Don't think I ever accused you of that. Not that it matters 'cause you have such a busy social life that you don't need to put up with the likes of me anymore. You have other friends, more interesting friends, right?"
Cue a moment of silence. "You know what? This is fucking ridiculous. You call what you're giving me space. Me? I call it avoiding me, but what-the-fuck-ever, guess you don't need me anymore what with your new found life outside of me and my clinginess."
Sam stepped forward and smacked the rolled up pieces of paper into Jamie's chest. "Guess I won't be needing these anymore." He directed his gaze to Jamie's and just swallowed, willing certain emotions away from his expression because fuck if he was going to let Jamie see how much this was hurting him. "Fuck you, Jamie Calder Jones. Fuck you very much."
And with that he turned and pushed his way through the crowd, stalking in the opposite direction.
Jamie opened his mouth to retort to everything that Sam was flinging at him but the next thing he knew the expression on Sam’s face was stealing the words from his mouth and the air from his lungs. He had never seen Sam look so crushed and hurt before, ever. His stomach twisted and he felt a little sick with himself for making Sam look like that, for making that expression creep onto his friend’s face.
His hands lifted to curl around the sheets, though they unrolled a little before he could catch on them properly, almost crushing them against his chest. “Wha-?” he looked down at them, and then looking back at Sam before he pulled them away to look at them properly.
Housing listings.
Jamie felt sick with himself - and with Sam too because they were not very good at being rational, apparently - but Sam had moved away before he could say anything. He’d disappeared into the crowd.
“Sam!” Jamie called after him, lifting his voice to be heard over the sound of people talking. “Sam!”
No answer, though, of course. A couple of people were staring at Jamie and he narrowed his eyes, the irises flashing dark, an unnatural colour. “Take a picture,” he snapped, “It’ll last longer. Get the fuck away from me.” He pushed his way through the crowd in the opposite direction to the one Sam had gone in.
Jamie couldn't help feeling like something had just ended.