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_rebelrebel (_rebelrebel) wrote in flippedrpg,
@ 2013-07-17 22:42:00

Entry tags:

ch: knap: remus lupin, ch: knap: sirius black, p: emmy, p: veetee

Who: Sirius and Remus^Knap
What: Saying good-bye
When: Tuesday evening
Where: Their house
Warnings: None

The idea of Remus leaving scared him. It wasn't exactly a surprise. Remus had said to him before that he was eager to get on with their life, to get to the good stuff. And it wasn't that Sirius didn't want that too. There was just a sea of evil and bad things he had to get through first. He knew going back meant surrendering up his mind again. Undoubtedly, he would lose more memories. Bellatrix would pick him apart. He would test dark magic on himself again. Going back meant giving himself up -- with the promise that, eventually, he came back. It was hard though, to knowingly enter that breach. Maybe he wouldn't ever be ready for it. But he certainly wasn't ready for it now.

He sat quietly on the floor, leaned up against Remus' bed, waiting for him to come back. He had been tempted to remain as Padfoot, but it felt necessary, somehow, that he felt everything as his human self. His heart ached at the idea of both James and Remus not being here -- but it seemed important that he feel that because he could. There was a time -- and that time would come again -- where he would reveal in James and Remus not being apart of his life.

Maybe it would be easier for him to leave when both of them were gone. Or maybe when Lily, Harry, and Johnny were gone too. He just couldn't sacrifice what he had here yet.

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suavemoony
2013-07-18 03:22 am UTC (link)

The idea of leaving Sirius behind frightened Remus as well. It had been a total of eight years that Remus had spent searching for both Lily and Sirius. He knew what was waiting for him at home. Another decade of waiting followed by a period of heartache while memories slowly came back for the pair. He would wait in the wings for it to happen and be as supportive as he could. It would be a long life but it lead to a bright future. It was that future he wanted to see. He wanted to see all of it. Was it wrong for him to want this that he was willing to accept the harsh reality of it all? The nights of heartache, of mindless activity, of trying to forget his emotions?

It was worth it, he was certain, but it didn't make the fear any easier. He didn't want Sirius to be alone. The notion of leaving him made Remus queasy to his stomach. How could he say he loved the man when he was ready to abandon him, stranded forever in the lapse of time? He didn't know the answer to the question but he did know it was true. He did love Sirius. It felt like he always had.

He was quiet as he stepped into the bedroom, eyes falling on Sirius immediately.

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_rebelrebel
2013-07-18 03:26 am UTC (link)

"Hey you," Sirius said the moment that Remus walked into the room, smiling up at him. He tried to act and sound as normal as possible -- although he could hear the way his voice was a little off and he was certain that Remus could hear it, too. Sometimes he couldn't tell if Remus or James could see through him more readily.

He figured it would probably be more normal to get off the floor, force them into having some kind of normal conversation. But he remained where he was instead, shifting a little with the hope that Remus would just sit down next to him.

He didn't know if it was better or worse, knowing ahead of time that Remus was going to be leaving. It had been agony, the sudden realization that James was gone. He'd had to force himself to acknowledge that James was gone and there was nothing he could do about it. This time, he had warning. He would know when Remus was gone for sure and he had a chance to say good-bye. But it hurt like hell.

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suavemoony
2013-07-18 03:37 am UTC (link)

His head tilted to the side with the way Sirius spoke. The words carried very little meaning. It was the tone that made a lump form in his throat. Instead of words, he walked towards him, bending down to his knees in front of Sirius. He let his hands shift to rest on his upper theighs, finger tips extending and retracting against the fabric of his pants, pain evident on his face even though he wanted to shield it. He didn't want to leave him alone, but he didn't want to stay.

"Hey," he finally managed to say, with barely any emotion in the word, it simply filling the void of silence.

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_rebelrebel
2013-07-18 03:54 am UTC (link)

He leaned forward and impulsively snatched up one of Remus' hands, acting before he could think things all the way through. It seemed to ground him a little bit when they were touching, Remus' hand both familiar and not in between his.

He was always afraid of this distance that suddenly seemed to spring up between them. He was so desperate to push through it -- and eventually, one day, he would -- but for now, it was hard when he didn't know what the right thing to say to Remus, or when he knew something had gone wrong, but Remus wasn't talking to him.

"Moony," Sirius said, and he realized he didn't exactly know what he was going to say. "I just want you to be happy. Wherever you go."

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suavemoony
2013-07-19 04:58 am UTC (link)

He turned his hand so his palm was against Sirius', his finger tips curling lightly, enjoying the contact. He kept his guard up around Sirius, even with knowing the future, because he didn't want to overstep. He didn't know how they were meant to function and he was too afraid of hurting him. He was so afraid.

"I'm capable of being happy anywhere," he said quietly, but it was a half lie. He had managed to have good moments and he managed to live. Yet the concept of happiness was never necessarily fulfilled in his eyes. He could be happy in events and moments but there was always the lingering sadness, even when hidden behind a smile. Sirius made him happy.

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_rebelrebel
2013-07-20 03:59 am UTC (link)

Holding hands seemed like the most natural thing in the world -- like how sleeping in Remus' bed for days after James had left seemed like the most natural thing in the world. These small points of contact counted for everything suddenly. They were what kept Sirius grounded, what kept Remus feeling close.

He glanced up at Remus, and didn't bother to directly argue the sentiment. He knew he could have reminded Remus that he wanted to go home. But it was something they both already knew, and something Sirius knew wasn't going to change. So he didn't bother with that argument.

"I'll be okay," he said instead, his voice soft and intent. Because he desperately wanted Remus to know that. He would miss him, and it would hurt like hell, but he would survive. He would be able to get on here for a little bit. Remus didn't need to stay for him.

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suavemoony
2013-07-20 05:01 am UTC (link)

He glanced to him and watched as he thought on the words. He supposed they were true, in some manner of speaking, because Sirius wouldn't have any choice but to be. Still, it felt wrong to give him such heartache, even if he would manage. But was it wrong to want to go on with life? He didn't think so and the temptation was there. He wanted to take hold of it.

"I won't go till morning," he said after a very long pause, his thumb rubbing against the top of Sirius' hand. "I'll stay until then," he explained. He would remain the whole night...and in the morning, he would be gone.

That was his decision. Wasn't that how this worked? It was the impression he was given by some of the others who were coming and going. That was how he wanted to do this. He wanted to remain with Sirius as long as he could.

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_rebelrebel
2013-07-20 05:11 am UTC (link)

"Right," Sirius said, more for something to say in response, although the word sounded lost to him, as if he had didn't know what to say. And he didn't. There probably wasn't anything else to say. Remus was leaving and that was the end of it. At some in time, in a very different place, they would meet up again, but all these moments would be lost -- presumably to both of them, but definitely to Sirius.

And he didn't precisely know if it was because he was feeling brave or scared that he squeezed Remus' hand a little more soundly. Without letting himself think about it too much, he tugged Remus abruptly closer as he slid across the floor, letting his lips gently brush against Remus'. Because even if this was the end and even if it was a lost moment, Sirius needed it to mean something -- needed Remus to understand how much he cared and that he wasn't abandoning their future by staying here.

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