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Tweak says, "Why is the world spinning?"

james potter is SUPERBADASSNINJAAWESUM (staghearted) wrote in flippedrpg,
@ 2012-08-27 22:14:00

Entry tags:

ch: knap: james potter, ch: knap: sirius black, p: annalisa, p: veetee

Who: James & Sirius (knap)
What: shouting. Then hopefully snuggles. :|
When: Monday night.
Where: Sirius' room.
Warnings: ldfjldl :|

James was angry. He had been furiously, lividly angry for over twenty-four hours now. Angry at the scientists for bringing Rodolphus Lestrange here, even more enraged at Lestrange himself for existing at all, and angry at the situation this had put them all in. Perhaps even more than anything else, he was outraged that being the voice of reason and advocating teamwork and playing their cards carefully so that they could take Lestrange down once and for all had been interpreted multiple times as a desire to do nothing at all.

How anyone could think that he would ever advocate sitting back and doing nothing while the half the kidnapping pair who'd made all their lives hell ran around free was beyond him; he had spent years doing everything he could to find his wife and his friend, and had never even once seriously considered the possibility of giving up. He had fought a war, up until the point that they'd needed to go into hiding. He had said, multiple times, that he wanted the Lestranges dead; that he could tear them apart with his bare hands.

But he wanted them united in it. He wanted Lestrange to have no chance in hell of tearing them apart again; he wanted them standing together, planning together, doing this right. They all wanted their piece of the man, and they could get it. Together. Even Sirius had started coming around to the idea of togetherness, and then Rodolphus had shown up and blown that all to hell. Sirius was striking out on his own, and James didn't like it. He understood it, just as he'd understood Lily's need to argue, but he didn't like it. Not one bit.

Which was why Monday night found him outside Gryffindor Tower, looking for Sirius. He gave the password to the portrait (as if being "sorted" into Slytherin ever would have prevented him from getting the password into his old House, especially when his family was staying there) and stormed into the dormitory where Sirius was staying. He was pleased (as much as he could be pleased, in his current mood) to see that Sirius was there; he cared not one whit whether any of Sirius's other roommates were around. If they were a problem, he didn't think Sirius would be here.

"You," he said, unable to keep a growl out of his voice. "We're going to talk. Right now."

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_rebelrebel
2012-08-28 07:13 am UTC (link)

Sirius didn't know which he felt more sharply when James actually dared to push him -- vindictive pleasure or anger that James had actually laid a hand on him. He was on his feet even before James had managed to grab the front of his robes, crowding James too much. When James fingers did fist into the fabric of his clothes, Sirius twisted his hands so that he could wrap his fingers tightly around James' wrists in return.

He wanted to hit James again -- and as soon as the impulse crossed his mind, he was terrified of it, because all he could remember was Rodolphus saying that somewhere in his fucked-up mind, he still wanted to kill them all. He was terrified that that was the case, that there was something in him that was going to snap beyond his control. That he would finally lose all semblance of who he was once was.

But even that intense fear didn't quench the anger that was still tightly coiled in his chest, because he had so badly needed a fight when Rodolphus had shown up, and the scientists had denied him what he needed.

"Oh yes," Sirius drawled -- and he hated his voice. Hated the sound of it, could hear his mother in the inflection of his words. "Why don't you just gather up every other Sirius and have a nice little party while doing it? What a big fucking happy family we can all be."

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staghearted
2012-08-28 07:29 am UTC (link)

James didn't care that Sirius grabbed hold of him, as well. He had survived Sirius's first murderous rage, and he sure as hell wasn't going to back down now. He would stand exactly where he had always stood, staunchly right in front of Sirius, reminding his best mate of his presence. He stared right back, watching the emotions flickering on Sirius's face, feeling the violent anger in Sirius's hands on his wrists.

But that comment got genuine surprise out of him, which flickered across his face, momentarily eclipsing his anger. It shouldn't have surprised him, not really, because that had been an issue with Lily as well; hell, it had been an issue with both Lilys, and it had been an issue with the Sirius from baby world, too. A subtler one with him, but James had sensed that it was there nonetheless.

He took a step closer, invading Sirius's personal space even more, though he was no longer holding on to Sirius's shirt. "You," he said, with vehement emphasis, "Are not replaceable. And this is not their problem. It's ours."

That didn't mean that he was unwilling to turn down help from the other versions of Sirius; he'd already let them help him, emotionally speaking. He knew that he would have wanted to help too, if the positions were reversed. But the fact remained that only he and his family from his world truly understood what this was like, and only they could solve it. Support could help, and James was utterly grateful for their loyalty. He would have been friends with every version of Sirius who wanted to be friends with him, even if his own Sirius hadn't been torn from him. If they'd been the way they'd been before, Sirius would have understood that.

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_rebelrebel
2012-08-28 06:47 pm UTC (link)

Sirius laughed callously when James said that he couldn't be replaced -- because he was pretty sure that he could, and that James and Remus would be better off with any other Sirius who was already here. Because hell, he knew that none of them had easy lives -- but none of them seemed to have forgotten how to turn into Padfoot. They were all still blindly willing to follow James anywhere -- even a James that didn't belong to them. They all just lined up behind his James.

Some part of him knew all too well that he was being unfair, and he just didn't care at the moment. He had been too angry and he was unleashed now, and all of his fears translated into an unsteady angry, and James had been foolish enough to let it be directed at him.

"Are you sure you wouldn't want me to be?" Sirius said, leaning in just a bit closer. His voice was low -- a challenge.

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staghearted
2012-08-28 10:08 pm UTC (link)

James's temper flared up again at Sirius's laughter, and he most certainly didn't flinch away from the challenge. He grabbed hold of Sirius again and stared directly, furiously into his face.

"Yes," he said, with venom. And it didn't make sense to be declaring his loyalty so angrily, but maybe that was what was necessary to make Sirius believe it. "Any Sirius can be my friend, from any world, at any age, because any Sirius is a person I'd want to be friends with, no matter what they've been through. But they are not the Sirius Black who has been my best mate since I met him on the train, none of them are not the Sirius Black who lived in my dorm and took naps on my bed, who lived with me when he left his family, who fought with me and stood up for me, who made me laugh and got me drunk when I was down, who was always my second in a duel, who was my best man at my wedding, who defied Voldemort with me, who is the godfather to my son. None of them are the Sirius Black who was so horrified by the idea of this shit we're going through that he didn't want to grow up, or the Sirius Black who cared about me so damn much that feeling betrayed was worth killing me for, the Sirius Black who had to be terrified and obliviated and tormented for years before he even believed it. You are the Sirius Black who makes me want to be friends with the others at all, because the only thing better than having one Sirius Black as a brother is having multiple. But you were my brother first, and you are the only one who will always be my brother in every world, including our own. They can't be, they never will be, and they don't want to be, because somewhere out there is a James Potter who comes first to them. You are my Sirius Black, and no one-- not that bastard Lestrange, not another Sirius, no one-- can change that. No one can change that, and I will never let them try to change it, because I don't want them to."

His voice alternated between a frighteningly calm low tone and a fiery emphatic one, and it rose at the end until he was very nearly shouting into Sirius's face. When he finished, he just glared fiercely at Sirius as he caught his breath. He'd gotten carried away, and said things he hadn't even fully formulated inside his own head until they had come out of his mouth.

And he wasn't done, either. "You know all of that already," he said, voice quieter again, but no less determined. "Deep down, you know that. Whatever it is that's making you doubt it, that's him, that's them. They got inside your head, they're still inside your head. Whatever you think about me, Sirius, I know you don't want them in there. Do not let them win, goddamnit. Don't let them win."

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_rebelrebel
2012-08-30 04:43 am UTC (link)

It set Sirius on edge to be grabbed so rashly again. He desperately wanted to shrug James away, because he didn't know why the fuck James and Remus kept insisting on touching him. It was too much, overloaded him every time, so all he wanted to do was hide. When they were this close, they had to see. They had to know that he wasn't their Sirius; he was a lie.

But he found himself silenced the moment that James began ranting at him, plunging into his description without halt. Some of his comments half-stirred half-forgotten memories in Sirius' mind -- but when he got to the parts about defying Voldemort, or being Harry's godfather, still Sirius wanted to argue. And yet, couldn't, because James was so utterly relentless.

And then he found that he didn't even want to try and argue with what James was saying. His chest ached so painfully that he felt like he couldn't breathe at all when James said that he had been his brother first. And he remembered all too clearly what that sensation had felt like when he had come back from being 16, that intense need and dependency he had felt for James. The emotions had been so clear then -- and if nothing else, he knew that those were still inside him. They just got a little buried sometimes by all the other shit that Lestranges had heaped inside his head.

"I do know it," Sirius whispered faintly. "I'm sorry."

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staghearted
2012-08-30 05:04 am UTC (link)

James saw it the moment the wall between them came down; saw something in Sirius's defenses crumble and fall away. And he felt vaguely guilty for having smashed it down so violently, but it had needed to be done. And unlike Lestrange, he didn't want to get past Sirius's defenses to hurt him. Letting James in could only make Sirius stronger.

And there he was, the Sirius that was underneath all that. The one who remembered and missed James, the one that was terrified that he'd betrayed him. It simultaneously broke and warmed James's heart to see it, but he was more than willing to take the ache as well. The heartbreak would heal.

"It's okay," he said, his own voice cracking a little on the word okay. He let go of the front of Sirius's robes, but only to pull him into a hug, fingers curling into the back of his friend's robes and into his hair. "It's okay, Sirius. I forgive you."

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_rebelrebel
2012-08-30 05:24 am UTC (link)

It brought him sharp relief when James actually hugged him. Some part of him knew that this once had been normal, that he and James had both been so tactical, wrestling with each other and jumping on each other at any given moment. It was difficult for him to be touched now, and that was the truth of it. But this felt right again -- the same way that it had when he'd become his age again. There'd been that sense that it was okay for him to let himself need James.

He hugged James tightly in return, one of his hands fisting against James' back. He was suddenly afraid to let him go again, as if he could disappear.

"I had to do it on my own first," Sirius insisted, his voice quiet. He had told Remus something similar earlier. And it hadn't been an excuse then, but he knew it to be more true now. And maybe he had to do it on his own first just to prove to himself that he couldn't do it on his own long term.

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staghearted
2012-08-30 05:44 am UTC (link)

"Okay," James said, because it was. It really was alright. He tightened his hold on Sirius to emphasize the point, but asked, "Are you done with that now?"

It hadn't been good for Sirius to go after Lestrange, and only the two of them would probably ever know what had happened between them. But Sirius was still alive, and Lestrange hadn't succeeded in driving the wedge between them any further. That was what mattered most. Even if Sirius did stupid things on his own, even if Rodolphus did manage to fuck with his head even more, James would still be fighting to help him get everything back. As long as he was alive, there was still a chance for that. Being alive was all James had really needed from him all along.

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_rebelrebel
2012-08-30 05:56 am UTC (link)

"I think I am," Sirius answered. "But I'd hate to break any promises just now." There was just the faintest tinge of humor in the second part, and he hoped it would be enough for James to accept it.

He did want to take Rodolphus on his own soon. He would have liked nothing more than to use every dirty trick that he'd been learning for Remus and James and to turn the tables and use them on Rodolphus. But James had posed a difficult predicament: He didn't want to kill Rodolphus at the cost of losing James and Remus again. He'd come too far with the both of them for him to be willing to do that.

Sirius shut his eyes as he recalled Rodolphus whispering in his ear, reminding him of just how far he'd steeped himself in darkness, and just how reluctant his friends would be to accept that side of him. He felt that was still true -- but feared how such news would be received from Rodolphus.

"He knows things about me," Sirius half-whispered. "That I'm not ready to tell you or Lily yet."

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staghearted
2012-08-30 06:10 am UTC (link)

That was, really, why James had asked. He wanted Sirius to be ready to fight together, but it was alright that he felt like he needed to take Lestrange on alone. The reasoning of it was most important; the fact that he was telling James he might do it again, that he needed to. James wasn't against the idea of them acting alone, so long as they were communicating. "Just tell me, alright?" he said. "Next time, just tell me that."

Then it wouldn't be about a choice between them. It wasn't as though their friendship had ever been so codependent that they couldn't act without the other; it had just been the not knowing what Sirius was doing, not knowing where his head was at, that had scared James so much. And with good reason, considering the reaction he'd gotten when he had arrived here today. Though admittedly, part of that was probably his own temper putting Sirius on the defensive.

He heard the whisper; at this distance he would have heard anything Sirius said, no matter how soft. The confession didn't come as a surprise to him, though. "You told me there were things you'd done," he said. "Things that Lily didn't know, either." And it made sense that Lestrange would know them. He'd been inside Sirius's head. "That's okay, too."

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_rebelrebel
2012-08-30 06:35 am UTC (link)

"Okay," Sirius agreed. He had known that James and Remus weren't going to be happy when he had stopped answering them on the journals. At the time, he just hadn't cared. Meeting and trying to destroy Rodolphus had become more important than anything else.

"It's not okay," Sirius insisted. Not that part. And Sirius didn't want blanket promises from Lily or James or Remus -- he didn't want to hear about how they'd understand what he'd done, or forgive him for whatever he'd done. It did nothing to assuage his own guilt. Because he knew that everything he had done was wrong, that he'd either been betraying them or Lily (or both) in everything that he did.

He sorely wished that he didn't ever have to tell them. But he knew that he would never be able to fully trust himself around them until they did know, and he knew that, eventually, if he didn't tell them, Rodolphus would. They would know that he was like Rodolphus.

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staghearted
2012-08-30 06:53 am UTC (link)

"Yes, it is," James said, just as stubbornly. "Sirius, you've been through hell. Not just losing your friends, but being back with your family, the family that made you miserable. The worst part of your family, even. You think I don't already know what kind of person they'd want you to be?"

He had seen enough and heard enough during their Hogwarts days to guess at what Bellatrix might do to Sirius, if she had him completely under her thumb. And he knew, better than anyone except for Sirius himself, how much that would horrify Sirius. How awful he'd feel, having been forced back into that; having been completely controlled into being the kind of heir that his family wanted. Although he had shied away from imagining the specifics of what Sirius had done, James understood that much, and that was enough.

"Whatever it is you've done, you know that it's wrong, I know you do. You always knew that they were wrong. That's what makes you different from them. They don't have an ounce of guilt between the two of them. You do. That's what makes it okay."

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_rebelrebel
2012-08-30 07:11 am UTC (link)

Some part of him knew it was a ridiculous realization, and that it was also one that he was having time and time again, but simply put, he forgot that James knew him. And at some level, it was amazing to have somebody who, even if he hadn't gone through the same experience, he could understand the idea of it.

And he very badly wanted to believe what James was saying was true -- that the fact that he felt remorse over everything he had done, over everything that he had planned to do, would be enough to distinguish him from Bellatrix and Rodolphus. He didn't know if it was; he didn't know if James, for everything he did understand about him, had every understood the depth of the darkness that he was certain was lurking right underneath the surface of his skin.

He couldn't understand James just yet. Couldn't put together anyway to confirm or deny what James had just said. So he just gripped James a little tighter and buried his face in James' shoulder.

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staghearted
2012-08-30 07:28 am UTC (link)

Even though Sirius didn't say anything, James had a feeling that he'd hit the mark. Or close to it, at least. He'd been focusing on fixing the trust broken between them, and he admittedly hadn't been thinking much about this part until Lestrange showed up, but he'd never really forgotten that this was also about Sirius's family. That this was in some ways similar to his childhood, only about a million times worse. It had taken him until now to consciously put words to it, but he had known that, from the moment Lily had made him understand what had really happened to them.

Because, when it came down to it, he did indeed know Sirius. Probably even better than Sirius knew himself, at the moment.

"You'll get away from them again, Pads," he said quietly, the nickname slipping out unintentionally. "They managed to drag you back in, and they probably put you through even more hell for having left them the first time, but you will get away again." He tightened his hold on Sirius, and closed his eyes. "They aren't your real family. We are."

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_rebelrebel
2012-08-30 10:25 pm UTC (link)

He shifted his head a little, propping his chin on James' shoulder. He knew that it was ridiculous that he was clinging to James like this, but whenever he managed to break down any sort of wall, especially one that involved them touching in some sort of way, Sirius was reluctant to let go -- often in a literal sense of the word. So he remained pressed against James for the time being, because this was what he needed right now.

"I don't know how to show you and Remus that I love you anymore," Sirius confessed; he remembered how helpless he had felt when he had watched Remus look so upset earlier today. He'd had no idea what to do. And the thought persisted that he had once known what to do, and that he'd been damn good at it too. "I used to be good at making you both laugh," Sirius commented, his voice a little distant as if he the memory was he was trying to think on was vague.

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