InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "WHY THE HELL AM I CALLED TWEAK"

james potter is SUPERBADASSNINJAAWESUM (staghearted) wrote in flippedrpg,
@ 2012-08-27 22:14:00

Entry tags:

ch: knap: james potter, ch: knap: sirius black, p: annalisa, p: veetee

Who: James & Sirius (knap)
What: shouting. Then hopefully snuggles. :|
When: Monday night.
Where: Sirius' room.
Warnings: ldfjldl :|

James was angry. He had been furiously, lividly angry for over twenty-four hours now. Angry at the scientists for bringing Rodolphus Lestrange here, even more enraged at Lestrange himself for existing at all, and angry at the situation this had put them all in. Perhaps even more than anything else, he was outraged that being the voice of reason and advocating teamwork and playing their cards carefully so that they could take Lestrange down once and for all had been interpreted multiple times as a desire to do nothing at all.

How anyone could think that he would ever advocate sitting back and doing nothing while the half the kidnapping pair who'd made all their lives hell ran around free was beyond him; he had spent years doing everything he could to find his wife and his friend, and had never even once seriously considered the possibility of giving up. He had fought a war, up until the point that they'd needed to go into hiding. He had said, multiple times, that he wanted the Lestranges dead; that he could tear them apart with his bare hands.

But he wanted them united in it. He wanted Lestrange to have no chance in hell of tearing them apart again; he wanted them standing together, planning together, doing this right. They all wanted their piece of the man, and they could get it. Together. Even Sirius had started coming around to the idea of togetherness, and then Rodolphus had shown up and blown that all to hell. Sirius was striking out on his own, and James didn't like it. He understood it, just as he'd understood Lily's need to argue, but he didn't like it. Not one bit.

Which was why Monday night found him outside Gryffindor Tower, looking for Sirius. He gave the password to the portrait (as if being "sorted" into Slytherin ever would have prevented him from getting the password into his old House, especially when his family was staying there) and stormed into the dormitory where Sirius was staying. He was pleased (as much as he could be pleased, in his current mood) to see that Sirius was there; he cared not one whit whether any of Sirius's other roommates were around. If they were a problem, he didn't think Sirius would be here.

"You," he said, unable to keep a growl out of his voice. "We're going to talk. Right now."

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staghearted
2012-08-30 06:10 am UTC (link)

That was, really, why James had asked. He wanted Sirius to be ready to fight together, but it was alright that he felt like he needed to take Lestrange on alone. The reasoning of it was most important; the fact that he was telling James he might do it again, that he needed to. James wasn't against the idea of them acting alone, so long as they were communicating. "Just tell me, alright?" he said. "Next time, just tell me that."

Then it wouldn't be about a choice between them. It wasn't as though their friendship had ever been so codependent that they couldn't act without the other; it had just been the not knowing what Sirius was doing, not knowing where his head was at, that had scared James so much. And with good reason, considering the reaction he'd gotten when he had arrived here today. Though admittedly, part of that was probably his own temper putting Sirius on the defensive.

He heard the whisper; at this distance he would have heard anything Sirius said, no matter how soft. The confession didn't come as a surprise to him, though. "You told me there were things you'd done," he said. "Things that Lily didn't know, either." And it made sense that Lestrange would know them. He'd been inside Sirius's head. "That's okay, too."

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_rebelrebel
2012-08-30 06:35 am UTC (link)

"Okay," Sirius agreed. He had known that James and Remus weren't going to be happy when he had stopped answering them on the journals. At the time, he just hadn't cared. Meeting and trying to destroy Rodolphus had become more important than anything else.

"It's not okay," Sirius insisted. Not that part. And Sirius didn't want blanket promises from Lily or James or Remus -- he didn't want to hear about how they'd understand what he'd done, or forgive him for whatever he'd done. It did nothing to assuage his own guilt. Because he knew that everything he had done was wrong, that he'd either been betraying them or Lily (or both) in everything that he did.

He sorely wished that he didn't ever have to tell them. But he knew that he would never be able to fully trust himself around them until they did know, and he knew that, eventually, if he didn't tell them, Rodolphus would. They would know that he was like Rodolphus.

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staghearted
2012-08-30 06:53 am UTC (link)

"Yes, it is," James said, just as stubbornly. "Sirius, you've been through hell. Not just losing your friends, but being back with your family, the family that made you miserable. The worst part of your family, even. You think I don't already know what kind of person they'd want you to be?"

He had seen enough and heard enough during their Hogwarts days to guess at what Bellatrix might do to Sirius, if she had him completely under her thumb. And he knew, better than anyone except for Sirius himself, how much that would horrify Sirius. How awful he'd feel, having been forced back into that; having been completely controlled into being the kind of heir that his family wanted. Although he had shied away from imagining the specifics of what Sirius had done, James understood that much, and that was enough.

"Whatever it is you've done, you know that it's wrong, I know you do. You always knew that they were wrong. That's what makes you different from them. They don't have an ounce of guilt between the two of them. You do. That's what makes it okay."

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_rebelrebel
2012-08-30 07:11 am UTC (link)

Some part of him knew it was a ridiculous realization, and that it was also one that he was having time and time again, but simply put, he forgot that James knew him. And at some level, it was amazing to have somebody who, even if he hadn't gone through the same experience, he could understand the idea of it.

And he very badly wanted to believe what James was saying was true -- that the fact that he felt remorse over everything he had done, over everything that he had planned to do, would be enough to distinguish him from Bellatrix and Rodolphus. He didn't know if it was; he didn't know if James, for everything he did understand about him, had every understood the depth of the darkness that he was certain was lurking right underneath the surface of his skin.

He couldn't understand James just yet. Couldn't put together anyway to confirm or deny what James had just said. So he just gripped James a little tighter and buried his face in James' shoulder.

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staghearted
2012-08-30 07:28 am UTC (link)

Even though Sirius didn't say anything, James had a feeling that he'd hit the mark. Or close to it, at least. He'd been focusing on fixing the trust broken between them, and he admittedly hadn't been thinking much about this part until Lestrange showed up, but he'd never really forgotten that this was also about Sirius's family. That this was in some ways similar to his childhood, only about a million times worse. It had taken him until now to consciously put words to it, but he had known that, from the moment Lily had made him understand what had really happened to them.

Because, when it came down to it, he did indeed know Sirius. Probably even better than Sirius knew himself, at the moment.

"You'll get away from them again, Pads," he said quietly, the nickname slipping out unintentionally. "They managed to drag you back in, and they probably put you through even more hell for having left them the first time, but you will get away again." He tightened his hold on Sirius, and closed his eyes. "They aren't your real family. We are."

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_rebelrebel
2012-08-30 10:25 pm UTC (link)

He shifted his head a little, propping his chin on James' shoulder. He knew that it was ridiculous that he was clinging to James like this, but whenever he managed to break down any sort of wall, especially one that involved them touching in some sort of way, Sirius was reluctant to let go -- often in a literal sense of the word. So he remained pressed against James for the time being, because this was what he needed right now.

"I don't know how to show you and Remus that I love you anymore," Sirius confessed; he remembered how helpless he had felt when he had watched Remus look so upset earlier today. He'd had no idea what to do. And the thought persisted that he had once known what to do, and that he'd been damn good at it too. "I used to be good at making you both laugh," Sirius commented, his voice a little distant as if he the memory was he was trying to think on was vague.

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