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Tweak says, "Hello Carole"

_rebelrebel (_rebelrebel) wrote in flippedrpg,
@ 2012-08-10 21:05:00

Entry tags:

ch: knap: james potter, ch: knap: sirius black, p: annalisa, p: veetee

Who: Sirius^Knap and James^Knap
What: Working on Sirius' memory
When: Aug. 10
Where: His current living location
Warnings: Angst?

The emotions were what was hardest to deal with when the memory had resurfaced. Because, at the beginning of it, there had been that rush of exhilaration that had always come with being Padfoot. And he had certainly forgotten what that felt like. To have the sensation of his paws pounding against wet earth, legs straining forward. Able to race through the darkness of night. That fierce need to protect paired with the persistent urge to just be free.

And that had been the easiest part of that memory; it had been what followed, the laughter as he turned back into boy, more gangly limbs than he was now. Mud streaked across his torso as he wrestled James to the ground, and then the careful tending of any small scratches Remus would have picked up. They had all sprawled across the floor then -- and the memory still wasn't clear enough that Sirius could hear anything they were saying. But he could everything, deep in his chest. That contentment that came with being near them, a fierce hunger for the onslaught of life before them. A love, so bracing, that it was almost frightening to him when he became aware of himself again.

He was still scared to try and reclaim those memories, to tamper any further with whatever had broken in his head. But he was no longer okay with leaving it alone. It was his mind. And he had a right to know who he was -- what things he had felt. He seemed incomplete without them now, a mere shadow.

He knew he couldn't keep pingponging between being wary of James, but still trying to be around him. It was time to make a decision, one way or the other. So he decided that he was going to try and work with James. Tamp down any part of him that was still crying out in warning.

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_rebelrebel
2012-08-11 05:41 am UTC (link)

"Do we need to do anything?" Sirius asked, clamping down on his own sense of nerves. He was thinking that it might be better to sit down while doing this. Just because he didn't know what was going to happen and if something did go awry, at least he wouldn't have to deal with bruises on his knees too. He figured that eye contact was probably important -- because that always seemed to be an important component of any spell that was related to mind work. But he just paused for a moment instead of continuing to press at James, waiting to see what he would say.

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staghearted
2012-08-11 05:53 am UTC (link)

"You might want to sit down," James said. He was wondering whether they ought to have Lily or someone here while they did this, to put Sirius more at ease, but if Sirius was going for it now, he felt like they probably should go for it before his friend lost his nerve. It had to cost him, to let someone he didn't trust into his mind, when his head was already a mess. "I'll just start by trying to find the damage that's been done, yeah? We don't have to go any farther than that unless you want to."

He figured standing was best for himself, to let his magic flow through him more readily, but that also could make him look intimidating. Once Sirius was seated, he reached for his wand, moving normally but careful to make sure his friend could see everything that he was doing, no sudden and surprising movements. When it seemed they both were ready-- or as ready as they ever would be-- he gave the incantation, and gently directed his magic into Sirius's mind, maintaining eye contact.

He'd never tried Legilimency, but this was different from how it had felt to be on the receiving end of it. Instead of seeing images, he felt a landscape of magic. The notes he'd read had described it as being a wall or a door that he had to get past, but this-- this was different. There were multiple walls, rough and smooth surfaces, a mishmash of different kinds of magical energy, all holding Sirius's mind captive. He felt all of it, tentatively and without pushing, as if trying to map it out with his fingertips. He had no concept of how long it was before he seemed to have traversed all of it, the full scope of the magic that was lingering inside Sirius's head, but once he got there he carefully withdrew, until he was back inside his own mind.

"Merlin," he said, finding himself slightly breathless as if he'd been running. "Someone really did a number on you, mate."

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_rebelrebel
2012-08-11 06:09 am UTC (link)

Sirius sat and tried to keep still. It was hard, because his nerves were growing the longer it took them to get around to casting the actual spell. But he was also stubborn, and he wouldn't change his mind now -- and certainly not on account of an emotion like fear. So he girded himself when James stepped up next to him and simply held still.

He didn't know what he was supposed to be feeling. He felt defensive and it was hard not to throw up his own walls around his mind. He had come almost instinct and to an extent, he had to think about not defending himself in order to let James in.

And it was weird, because he could feel James' magic smoothing over his mind, but he could also feel when James came across something that seemed as if it shouldn't be there -- almost like scar tissue, was the first thing that Sirius thought of.

When James pulled back out, Sirius' mouth felt a little dry, and he couldn't find the words to answer James' brief statement on the status of his mind.

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staghearted
2012-08-11 06:13 am UTC (link)

"You alright?" James asked, when Sirius didn't respond. He didn't think he had triggered anything, or messed with anything; he had done everything in his power not to. It was a maze in there, of Sirius's own magic and magic that had been used on him, and he couldn't just try pushing at any random blockage to try and get past it. He had to get a sense for the layers of it, find the right place to start unraveling, so it would come apart properly, not get even more tangled.

He pulled up another chair and sat down in front of Sirius, leaning forward on his knees. "I didn't hurt you, did I?"

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_rebelrebel
2012-08-11 06:33 am UTC (link)

"I'm all right," Sirius answered; he hadn't realized that he'd needed some convincing until he said the words. But as soon as he said them, he also realized that they were true. He was all right. Nothing awful had happened as a result of Sirius letting James into his mind.

He slouched back in his own chair when James sat down across from him. His fingers itched for a cigarette just for a moment. Or he longed to be able to climb on his bike and fly for a bit. Either really seemed like a good way to follow up this particular meeting.

"No, you didn't hurt me," Sirius responded, and his voice was a bit more at ease this time.

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staghearted
2012-08-11 06:48 am UTC (link)

"Good," James said, letting out a breath he hadn't even realized he'd been holding. It couldn't have been easy to go through that, for Sirius, but he'd done it. He'd trusted James, and they'd gotten somewhere. James had a much better idea of the damage that had been done to his friend's mind, and he didn't feel like it was an insurmountable task to fix it.

And Lily's, he imagined, would be easier. They probably hadn't had to do much more than make her forget ever being with James to make her believe that he might come after her; they'd just played on the natural instincts she had to mistrust and think the worst of him, after that. But Sirius was different, had always been different. They'd had to get rid of all his instincts to trust James and Remus and to get him to trust his family, to boot.

"Well, one way of looking at it is that they really fucked up your head," he said, starting to smile, "Not irreversibly, I mean, but... the other way of looking at it is, they had to do one hell of a number on you to make you believe any of it." He now had a mental image of Bellatrix lashing out at Sirius, again and again, repeating spells and trying new ones in her multiple attempts to subdue him. Of course, he'd suspected as much, but now the proof was right in front of him.

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_rebelrebel
2012-08-11 06:56 am UTC (link)

"You and Remus have such a strange way of looking at all this," Sirius said, unable to hold back the comment. He looked away as he said, but he was smiling. It did make it easier to deal with, he supposed. The fact that Remus had the audacity to joke around that him getting his memories back could become a game. And that James could say it was a good thing they'd had to dig so deep. They were comments that strangers, or even simple friends, could say so lightly. He still wasn't to hearing it, but it was easy to return such comments. He liked it when he could free himself up enough to not taking the situation seriously -- which, admittedly, was rare. But good when it happened.

And he didn't know if it made him feel better or not. Because it was good, he figured, that he wasn't easy to contend with. He hadn't been pushed over. But at the same time -- it made something like dread creep up the back of his spine. Because that meant that his mind had been attacked time and time again. And he hadn't been able to stop it.

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staghearted
2012-08-11 07:04 am UTC (link)

"I've always been optimistic," James said, grinning. "You'll remember that soon enough, I imagine." He shrugged. "And I like thinking that my best mate would put up a hell of a fight if someone was trying to convince him I was out to get him. Which, by the way," he added, pointing at Sirius's head. "You obviously did. You can't argue with your own brain, mate."

Now that he'd started looking at it like that, there was no changing his mind. And whenever they got started on fixing it-- which would no doubt be a long process, based on what he'd found-- he was going to thoroughly enjoy undoing every single bit of what the Lestranges had done. It was the best revenge he could possibly have, bringing his best mate back. Though of course, revenge was hardly his first priority.

He was still holding his wand, he realized, though he didn't imagine that they were going to do more today. It didn't hurt to check, though. "You wanting me to have another go, or d'you want to do something else?" Pushy of him to assume Sirius might want to hang out with him more, maybe, but at the moment he really didn't care.

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_rebelrebel
2012-08-11 07:10 am UTC (link)

"I already with it every day," Sirius quipped, holding up a finger against his temple and turning it -- the signal for the fact that he had a screw loose. Which, in a way, he figured he did. He was paranoid as hell. He had a difficult time establishing fiction from fact. And he'd lost a large chunk of his memories. What was left was intermeshed with delusions.

"Let's have another go," Sirius said, leaning forward. He didn't see any reason to quit just yet. He wanted to feel as if they had actually made some good progress. Logically, he knew that hey couldn't get all his memories back in one go. Fleur had said that it took time. But he wasn't patient. He couldn't imagine existing in this ether for years on end.

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staghearted
2012-08-11 07:22 am UTC (link)

"Well, that's completely normal," James countered, amused. His grin was wider than it had been around Sirius yet. "You'll still be arguing with your brain when we've got you all fixed up."

He wasn't patient either, and he was more than willing to have another go. Energized by optimism and confidence from the fact that he'd managed it the first time, he scooted his chair closer to Sirius's but stayed seated. "Alright. I'll see if I can undo some of it this time. Let me know if it doesn't feel right. And-- if you think I've got something, sort of nudge me towards it, yeah?"

Lifting his wand, eyes locked on Sirius's, he found that the magic came much easier to him this time. He was able to find his way easier this time, too, looking for patterns or layers, something-- he didn't know quite what he was looking for, but he trusted that he'd know it when he found it. It wasn't easy, but for this part, James had eons worth of patience; so long as he was working towards something, his impulsiveness was satisfied.

He was starting to get a feel for which wounds were freshest, or maybe they were just not as well done; if he could have described it in tangible terms, they felt less solid somehow. He was reminded suddenly of playing Jenga in Zeta, how the strategy was to feel for the loosest block, the easiest to pull away. Maybe that was the best strategy here, too. Taking a deep breath, he slid his magic over a less secure part of the magic that held Sirius's mind prisoner, until he felt it catch hold. It was the strangest feeling, to pry gently with his mind instead of with his hands. He did it slowly and carefully, hyper-aware of Sirius's reactions, mental and magical and physical, knowing that this had the potential to be painful-- or at the very least, overwhelming.

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_rebelrebel
2012-08-13 03:49 am UTC (link)

Sirius could feel James beginning to slink inside his brain again. A wave of trepidation swelled inside him once again, but he had little time worry over his nerves. He felt James begin to pry at something -- and suddenly, he was gone, submerged in another memory.

He was in his room at Grimmauld Place -- his room when he had been growing up. Before Lily and he had gotten around to cleaning it up, clearly. He was holding something in his hands, and it took him a moment to -- just to focus. He knew that there was something there, but it was like he couldn't see it for a minute. They were pictures. Three of them. One of Lily and James holding a baby, a tiny fist swinging about in the air. The second was of him and Remus, neither of them facing the camera; Sirius working on the bike and smoking while Remus looked on. And the last one was of Sirius holding the baby from the first picture while he sat on the bike.

They were each well-folded, as if they had been kept somewhere for a long time. The back of a pocket, or the inside of a wallet. There was a box at his feet, and Sirius didn't need to touch it to know that it was heavily warded, magic lacing the outside of the box. Something in his brain jammed.

There was a thudding behind him, and he looked up to see Bellatrix standing over him.

"What are these?" he demanded, clambering to his feet, feeling distinctly unsteady. Bellatrix looked at him for just a minute, and there was something steely in his gaze. Something he knew well enough to be wary of.

"Imperio!"

Sirius snapped back, away from James, pain flashing through his mind for the first time as he tried to remember how to breathe. His heart was pounding in his ears.

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