InsaneJournal

Journal: what ifs & temporary solutions
[Private]

Talking with Rog the other night helped but I just can't seem to shake this funk. I'm happy for all of my clients of course, but there's a small nagging part of me that is just so... jealous. If you had asked me at 15 if I thought I'd be planning other people's happily ever afters, I'd have laughed. I'd have told you I'd be busy living my own. It was nearly 10 years ago that it all changed, I spent the whole summer after his death just... existing. And my father thought I was being childish and ridiculous - of course, he was worried about me with the obviously coming dark times, but part of me always thought maybe he was right. I was fifteen - why did I ever think that would be my happily ever after. What did I think would happen? After my NEWTs, he and I would get married and I would study charms like father wanted and we would start having babies and...?

Well, yeah, I guess I did think that. And I guess sometimes I still do. Nothing has ever felt like that did, no guy has ever lived up to him. I'm worried no one ever will. And I think that that's my funk. Surrounded by romance and summer and next year it's been a decade and what have I don't with that path I thought I was on in fifth year? I've completely left it behind. And so... I feel lost, I think.

[Warded to Roger & Ben]

Boys, what's your schedule look like? I need some very large shots of firewhiskey sometime soon and I'd love to share them with you.

[Warded to Melinda]

I'm trying to get Roger & Ben together for a night of absolute drunken debauchery. Please tell me you'll join us. And do invite whichever man has you glowing like you have been lately.