Honestly, Alexis had no idea what Stanley would be able to help her with. Maybe nothing but to feel less shitty. Maybe he would judge her harshly enough that she’d get the verbal lashing she’d been waiting for. Or, maybe he would just help her meditate her way into some calmness so she could figure out how to get Quentin back. No matter what, though, she really just needed a friend. Normally she’d call Quentin over but… well.
She’d sort of totally ruined all that and then trapped him in another dimension, so. Woo.
Pacing around her apartment, she waited until she heard the knock on the door and she let out a sigh of relief. At the door and flinging it open in almost no time at all, she hesitated - because they weren’t friends like she was with Q, and yes she had taken care of him quite a bit after his accident but, like, she wasn’t sure if she should even touch him now - so while it looked like she was going to give him a hug, she stopped.
Better not, just in case.
“Come in, come in.” She moved aside, holding the door open for him and waving him inside, careful to be far enough away that they wouldn’t accidentally touch. “I don’t know what to do, but I need to talk and if you think I’m a horrible terrible person after that’s probably going to be like, a super fair assessment of me.”
Alexis was definitely more of an invite herself in sort of person, whether that be your personal space or your home. So when she stood at her door hesitating for a moment, Stan wasn't entirely sure what to make of it - but she clearly had something on her mind when she'd answered the door even if the hug that she so clearly wanted to give was something she was withholding for the time being.
"Hey," He said as he came in, listening as she explained that she needed to talk and perhaps he might think she was horrible after he heard it all. He highly doubted that, because Alexis was many things, but horrible was not one of them. Naive at times perhaps, but weren't they all to a certain extent?
"Okay," He said nodding, "well why don't we sit down and you can tell me what's going on, and then we can decide how horrible terrible and not very good you might actually be." If nothing else Alexis did trend toward the dramatic, he'd give her that much. And given the look of her he wasn’t about to pile on to whatever she had going on without good reason.
“Right, yes, let’s do that.” She agreed, shutting the door behind them and leading her way over to the couch. She was clearly distraught – her hair was a mess, she had no make-up on at all, and she was still wearing the clothes she’d worn when Quentin disappeared. She hadn’t had time yet, to take a shower or do any sort of self-care, really. She had barely even slept and only because she’d passed out any moment she sat, really.
She probably still smelled a bit like alcohol.
Alexis chewed on her lower lip, looking at Stan. He was becoming a good friend, someone she enjoyed spending time with, who she was determined to make himself see himself differently… and just like with Quentin, she was about to ruin this friendship too. She was fairly certain. “I kissed Quentin. Who is dating Filip. And like, I knew that.”
Pausing, Alexis let that set in for a second. “But I don’t even like him like that. Don’t get me wrong – I love Quentin, but he’s like my best friend. Not like that you know? And then I realized what I was doing and panicked, and that’s when we stepped and I left him in fucking monsterland because I was pulling away when we stepped and I don’t know how to get him back.” And if he died, it’d be all her fault. Not that she’d say that out loud. It was pretty much a given.
He listened as she explained how she’d kissed her friend and then freaked out about it almost as soon as it happened and in her haste to perhaps explain or step away or just gain a little bit of composure her step powers had become activated and instead of just disappearing from the room leaving her friend alone she’d somehow taken him with her and then left him in that in between space from one step to the next.
“Well you’ve been having an eventful weekend,” He said shaking his head as she lamented her inability to get him back, it was obvious to him that she was deep in the midst of blaming herself for all of this, and perhaps anything else that might happen because of it.
“So what have you tried so far?” He asked her, curious what things she’d tried to do up to this point. “Have you slept at all since any of this happened? Or showered?” He asked a beat later, because looking at her made it pretty obvious that she was doing anything but looking after herself.
“I’ve stepped as many times as I possibly could - not that it’s, you know, like, super easy to do that because I can barely do it on purpose at all and I have no idea how to like try and stop myself mid-step to trap myself in that space, too, and I put that stupid song on at the bar like a hundred times but it just made everyone fall asleep and like, I even went through the attic door and tried to step through the door at Time & Again just to see if that would work and nothing. Nothing worked.” She finally finished, exhaling what little breath she had left after that rant.
She scrunched her nose up, looking at Stan like he had three heads with asking her if she’d slept or showered. “No! How can I sleep or shower knowing where he’s at? That I left him there?” She got up and started pacing, arms across her chest, except one was lifted at the elbow so she could drum her fingers against her lip, sort of chewing her nails as she went.
“I was there, trapped in that space for a week and I know what he’s dealing with and what he’s seeing and I did that to him and I’m just - I’m just me, Stan, just Alexis freakin Rose, normal human from normal human world without any special powers until this place sneezed them on me and I don’t know how to get him back and on top of all that I ruined our friendship by kissing him like an idiot. She covered her face with her hands, muffling her own scream. “How am I going to face this? What if…” She didn’t want to voice the what ifs.
Stan wasn’t surprised at the list of things Alexis had tried up to this point, and now she was at the point where all she could do was start over again and spiral until they either got confirmation that Quentin was dead or he was returned to them. Which wasn’t going to do anyone any good.
“No what if anything,” Stan said, shaking his head as he got to his feet, taking hold of her to stop her own pacing. “Speculating and guessing at what he might be doing what he might be seeing, what-ifing yourself into oblivion is not going to help him or anyone else.” He told her honestly, giving her just the slightest little shake like he might just push her out of this spiral she was so very obviously in.
“You just said you’re just Alexis freaking Rose, you’re not a superhero, you’re not a witch, you’re not some sort of mutant, you’re just a person, like me and like a lot of us. What are you supposed to do to get him back?” Because as far as Stan could see there was nothing for her to do - not when she’d already tried so many things and come up empty handed. “You’re not special, you’re just a person and you pushing yourself to your breaking point isn’t doing you or him any favors.”
As soon as she could, she slid her way out of his grip because she was terrified if she stepped on accident, she’d do the same thing to Stan. “Don’t touch me.” She finally said, her voice low and a little wobbly. It wasn’t like she wasn’t listening to what he said – and he wasn’t wrong. She’d done everything she could, she’d spent the entire night searching for her and trying everything she could think of. She’d never, ever wanted to go back there – but she would, to save Quentin.
Hugging herself again, she leaned against her kitchen counter, away from Stan again and went back to chewing on her fingernails. There was a time being told she wasn’t special would have devastated her, but in this case? It was almost a relief. She wasn’t any of those things, she had no additional power to get Quentin back and there really was nothing she could do. That wasn’t exactly comforting, but it did ease her guilt for not doing anything else to find him, just a bit.
“I need to meditate or something before I end up spiraling myself into stepping into traffic again.” Alexis felt guilty for wanting to do anything for herself at all, and that momentary peace she felt was ruined by wanting to take care of herself, to calm down. She didn’t feel like she deserved it right now. She should be exhausting herself to the point of breaking down. “I just can’t clear my head right now.”
Stan could tell she was scared, he knew a little something about that himself. He’d spent so much of his early life afraid, and then let that fear be the thing that took him out of his life and land him here. So he and fear were close friends by this point in his life, and he could tell that it had its claws firmly in Alexis now. Fear of what she could do.
“Quentin is some sort of wizard, he’s got powers to keep himself safe - and he’s got people here who care about him, who are helping to make sure he gets back home safely.” He reminded her, Stan might not be close with the younger man but he knew he was someone who could probably handle himself far better than someone like either him or Alexis could.
Alexis though was going to push herself to a breaking point if she didn’t take a minute to just breathe. “We can work on meditating,” He told her, “Come on, I have an idea,” He tipped his head back in the direction of her bedroom, or at least where he thought it probably was. If he couldn’t talk her into a nap or a shower he could at least get her horizontal and maybe that would lead to the outcome he thought she most needed in this moment.
Alexis was absolutely terrified. Knowing that she could trap someone there… even if she’d successfully stepped with Zemo, that had been different, a surprise. With Quentin - well it was also a surprise, but she’d been pulling away. If it was that easy to just trap someone in there on accident, it could happen again, and again, and if anyone touched her and she just happened to step, they’d be right back here. Square one.
With someone stuck in that place because of her.
Nodding her head, Alexis decided that Stan probably knew what was best and she probably couldn’t trust her own thoughts at this point. “Okay.” He was correct in where he was heading, because her apartment wasn’t all that large and there was only one way her bedroom could really be - so she followed him there, kicking off her shoes as she did so and crawling onto her bed, sitting cross-legged.
She’d even sat back enough so Stan could sit on the bed with her, meditating in that face-to-face way that he had taught her in. It was comforting, but she made sure she was far enough away that they wouldn’t accidentally touch. “Okay, let’s get all zen and… I don’t know.” She would need to hit up Theo after this, to work on the guilt that was eating her away probably.
He let her lead the way to the bedroom and let her get settled first before he perched on the edge of the bed. “Okay, we’re going to do something a little different today,” Because this wasn’t just finding zen in a crazy world sort of situation like they normally had worked with, this was Alexis in the midst of a potential mental break down and Stan was going to do what he could to help ease her guilt and the tension within her before she reached that breaking point.
“So let’s start with you laying back,” He encouraged her, making sure to keep that distance she seemed to want, so she didn’t have to focus on her worry and could just focus on herself and her feelings in that moment. He let her get comfortable, “Now you’re gonna close your eyes and I’m going to talk you through some exercises.” Not all that different from what they normally did, only now it was perhaps a bit more intimate than a guided meditation in the studio or sitting in a living room.
“I want you to feel your body, feel the bed beneath you, the blanket under you, take a moment to really center yourself here in this familiar place, your home - your bedroom - you’re safe here. We both are.” They were okay here, “Now I want you to focus on your toes, on the balls of your feet, feel the tension there as we breathe in and out, and in and out. And just relax them, just your toes first, focus on that, and now your feet - let go of the tension there, let them relax.” He talked slowly, encouraging as he moved through the breathing exercise as well as the parts of her body starting at her toes and working his way up bit by bit.
It wasn’t often you could just get Alexis to do what she was told to do, she’d normally gripe about it a lot more. She followed Stan’s instruction, though, and laid back on her bed, letting out a breath it felt like she’d been holding the whole time. “Okay.” She said, and it was so soft it was certainly meant more for herself than it was meant for him to hear.
She closed her eyes and walked through the steps with him, making sure she paid attention to what was here and now - how the bed felt beneath her, the soft blankets under her skin, the comfort that Quentin wasn’t getting because she’d left him there in fucking monster world. She closed her eyes tighter, lips pursed.
Instead, she focused on what he said next - which worked a bit easier, because she was focusing on each little bit of her muscles tensing and relaxing, following along with his voice. If his intention was to get her to fall asleep, it was working. Alexis drifted in and out a little bit, and grumbled. “I can’t sleep, Stan… it’s not… fair… if I do.” Although it seemed like fighting it might be a bit more than futile.
Stan didn’t fight her, didn’t argue - he wasn’t going to distract her any more from what they were doing in that moment, the rest of it - Quentin, and sleep, and anything else weren’t important - just being here in the moment was what he wanted for her.
“We’re not talking about sleep, we’re relaxing.” He reminded her, his voice calm and steady, “Feel your fingers, let them relax one at a time.” He encouraged, still leading her through each step one at a time, they’d worked up from her feet to her legs and her hips and they were starting on her hands now.
Even if she didn’t sleep, this time that they were taking was something she still needed. Just a little bit of time where she wasn’t running herself ragged trying to fix something that seemed to be beyond her ability to control or change.
“Now your wrists” He went on, continuing to lead her through the process, his voice quieting little by little as she relaxed into the mattress.
Relaxing, right. She was supposed to be relaxing. It felt horrible to relax, because she knew Quentin wasn’t relaxing right now. He was running from monsters, with nowhere to hide and no food to eat and nowhere to go nothing to see but nothingness and monsters and Alexis, drifting as she was, startled awake again.
“Fingers, relaxing, sure sure.” She yawned, feeling guilty for that too. She couldn’t help it, and even as Stan tried to get her to focus on her body and keep her mind from spiraling, she didn’t feel like she could. She sat up instead, abrupt.
“I can’t do it, Stan. I can’t relax knowing what he’s going through right now. I’m sorry. I’m sorry this was such a waste of your time.” She covered her face with her hands, before pulling her legs up to her chin and holding onto herself in a little ball.
She wasn’t going to sleep, not until she actually just passed out from exhaustion - but maybe she could shower, or something. Maybe. “You don’t have to stay here, I shouldn’t have even asked for you to come over. I don’t know what I was thinking.”
Stan tried a little longer, encouraging Alexis to let go bit by bit until it became obvious she was going to fight him on this. Too eager to beat herself up to even allow herself the dignity of a nap. He let her talk herself out though telling him he didn’t have to stay.
But he wasn’t going to let her sit here beating herself up on her own. He sighed.
“Okay scoot over,” He said as he moved then shifting on the bed, moving from where he’d perched on the edge, hoping he could get her to sleep and not disturb her when he got up again, but it seemed that wasn’t going to happen. So he was going with an alternate plan.
Stan stretched out beside Alexis, laying down right beside where she had been not just a minute earlier, she might fight it but he was going to lay there and he was going to out stubborn her guilty conscience if it killed them both. “Come on, let’s talk.” He patted the mattress encouraging her to lay down again.
While having a cute guy in her bed was not necessarily the last thing she would usually want, it was sort of right now. She smelled. Her hair was a mess. Her best friend was MIA, probably hurt or maybe even dying and it was her fault and now Stanley was lying in her bed, patting the spot next to him wanting to talk.
Alexis’s mouth turned into a pout, slowly, dramatically, as her eyes closed and she lifted her chin straight up to the ceiling, finally doing a little wiggle and an ugh as she gave up, and laid back down on her bed next to him, though leaving some space. No need for accidentally touching.
If Stan ended up in the Todash space too because of her…
Okay, that thought had to stay right where it was because Alexis could already feel herself starting to hyperventilate. “Mmmmmmmmmmokay yeah talking, talking is so great like, wow, super awesome love that for us I’m a chatty girl and all that… We could talk make-up. Or your severe lack of fashion sense.”
Stan didn’t try to come closer or to touch her, just shifted so he was laying on his side, if nothing else keeping her still and not pacing would help her body not push itself too hard or too far. It wasn’t much but if that was all he could do then he’d try his best.
“Take a breath,” He encouraged seeing her mind working too hard as he suggested they talk. “Just breathe okay,” They weren’t going anywhere and they weren’t going to do anything but this, she was safe and he was too - and he was determined to make her see that. He huffed softly, amused, “I’ve got great fashion sense, thank you very much.”
“You should have seen me back home,” He told her, at least here he had Bev looking out for him and offering advice from time to time to make sure he wasn’t looking too silly on the day to day. “But I was living a pretty different life back there.”
“Just don’t get too close.” She reminded him, doing as he instructed and taking a deep breath. “You clearly have cooties.” Alexis teased, though it was obvious that that was not at all why she didn’t want him to touch her. She was just too afraid to send him to that place too, and the more she stressed about it the more likely it was to happen. If she were to move right now, she was pretty sure she’d end up in the ocean or something.
Which might have been preferable, at this point. She doubted Stan would see it that way, though. Q – if, no, when he made it back – would also find that obnoxious. So she took another deep breath, trying to calm herself down. It worked well enough to keep her from going into a full blown panic attack, anyway.
At his defense of his own fashion sense, Alexis rose a brow skeptically. “Mmm cute, that’s cute. I love that you love your fashion sense.” She laughed a little, trying not to feel guilty about that. It wasn’t working all that well, but at least she wasn’t moving. Her mind was still a hundred miles a minute, but her body was pretty much down for the count. She was exhausted.
“Stan… what if he doesn’t come back?”
“Oh I know I do,” Stan said serenely, he was more than willing to allow Alexis to put their not touching on him, if it meant she wasn’t stressing about touching him. He could have cooties and they could pretend that was all it was as long as she needed. Getting her comfortable with touch wasn’t the biggest problem in that moment.
Stan remained calm though, breathing slowly and evenly showing Alexis the kind of calm he wanted for her as they talked. Because leading her through relaxation exercises seemed like too much for her right then. So this was going to be just fine.
He laughed softly with her, not the kind of loudly encouraging laughter he might have done some other time, because Alexis was clearly near her wits end, and he didn’t want her thinking too much about enjoying herself. They were just talking, they weren’t having fun they weren’t relaxing, they weren’t doing anything other than being there together. “I do love it, I’m very comfortable with my fashion sense.”
“That happens here,” He reminded her gently, when she asked about Quentin. “People leave and don’t come back all the time.” People he’d known and cared about, people he had only known in passing, but they came and they went. And that was just the way it was. “Have you ever seen anyone leave before?” He asked.
She rolled her eyes at his admittance to having cooties. At least he wasn’t going to make her feel weird about it – either he bought her aversion or he knew exactly why she was afraid to touch him and he was ignoring it for now. Either way, it led to her not having to talk about it and that’s what she wanted in this moment.
“Yeah I guess your fashion sense is alright.” She finally admitted, trying to match her breathing to his. It was difficult, but she wasn’t totally oblivious to what he was trying to do here. So she did her best to try along. She cried, though, as she did – small tears sliding their way down the side of her face and onto the pillow. She blinked them away as best she could, staring at the ceiling.
At least she was breathing.
Alexis knew what he as getting at, but she couldn’t agree. “They go home, Stan. We’ve seen them go home. Quentin isn’t home. He’s in that place, and it’s awful there.” Alexis hadn’t seen anyone leave in person though, before. Just got the messages. “Like, actually get misted away? No. I haven’t seen it like, live.”
“Just alright?” He huffed shaking his head at her sort of compliment. “I can’t believe this, I’m going to sic Bev on you, and then you’re really going to get it.” He warned her, even as he saw the tear slide down her face until it disappeared into the pillow. He didn’t comment on it though, attempting to keep things lighter, not focusing on the fear and the pain she was feeling and instead letting her take a little bit of time to just be.
He lifted his shoulders a little though when she insisted that people went home when they disappeared. “Do they though?” He asked her.
“I mean no one knows for sure - maybe this is how it happens.” He suggested, sure they hadn’t gotten a message that Quentin had gone yet, but none of them could be totally sure. And if the theory of duplicates was anything to go off of the disappeared person was going to have to end up somewhere, why not in a monster filled realm to be eaten disposed of.
“The point is, though.” Because Stan didn’t think it necessarily worked like he suggested but he did have a point, “None of us know how this stuff works, not you, not me, not any of those witches and wizards, not the people who say they are gods either. We’re all just doing our best, and Quentin is doing his best now too - just like we’re here doing our best too.” And right now for Alexis her best was not falling to pieces, while those magic sorts figured this shit out.
“Nooooo I love Bev, she’s so nice and talented and amazing and I don’t want her to hate me okay ughhhh okay okay Stan, you have great fashion sense, you handsome devil.” She rolled her eyes, though couldn’t help but laugh a little too, enjoying the banter even as she cried. Even as she breathed deeply, still trying to match him.
He had a point - they didn’t know, and Alexis knew that he had a point. That didn’t necessarily make her feel better, but it didn’t make her feel worse either. There was something to that, but Alexis wasn’t sure anything could bring her comfort with where her head was at right now. She needed a nap before she could even attempt to be hopeful.
The best and brightest were on it, though. The witches and magical people who could open portals and fight monsters and do all kinds of things. Even if she could fight, Dunwich had probably chosen to give her the right power. The one to run the fuck away.
“I know we are, I know that’s… all we can do, try our best. Ugh. I just messed up, so bad, and then I knew I messed up and tried to fix it and instead of fixing it I trapped him in the damn Todash space instead and I couldn’t even say sorry - how am I going to explain to him that I didn’t mean to kiss him? Not for - you know, that. I love Quentin but no, not like that.”
Stan chuckled again as Alexis relented. “Don’t worry, you’re probably one of the most fashionable people around, I doubt Bev would sacrifice that connection. Otherwise she’ll just be stuck with the rest of us Losers and that’d be terrible.” He grinned, glad that Alexis could, at least for a moment, allow herself to laugh.
They’d never be able to fix this situation without getting Quentin back, Stan knew - Alexis would go on blaming herself until they had some kind of confirmation for what happened to him. But until they had that he’d do what he could to keep her from going too hard on herself. They’d get their answers one way another soon enough.
“Everyone messes up sometimes.” Stan reminded her, “We all make mistakes, it’s part of what makes us who we are.” None of them would be here, he suspected, if they were entirely perfect people. They called themselves Mistakes - it was just part of their nature.
“When he gets back, you’re going to sit him down and have that conversation with him. But you won’t get the chance to apologize for any of it if you don’t take care of yourself right now.” He reminded her. “That’s a conversation you’re going to want to have all of your wits available for, because it’ll be tough even if he is in a forgiving kind of mood. So you have to take care now so you’ll be able to have it.”
Well, no matter the circumstance she was always going to take that compliment. “Thank you.” She said, a little smug if we’re being honest. She was quite fashionable, and she was glad that Stan thought Beverly knew that, at least. She would not want to sacrifice that connection, either. Not that being stuck with the Losers seemed all that bad, even if that was such a sad name for themselves.
“What’s it feel like?” She asked, pretending for another moment to be serious, before rolling her eyes. “To be so insufferably right, like, all the time?” She rolled onto her side, bringing one of the smaller pillows forward and holding it to her chest like a teddy bear or something. She stayed curled up like that, forgetting briefly to breathe.
She took in another deep breath, following along with the rise and fall of Stan’s chest. “You are right, though. I’ll never get the words out the right way if I’m exhausted.” If she got them out at all. Maybe they could just go on and pretend like nothing happened and that accidental step into Todash was just that - a weird step, while they danced! Had nothing to do with her unfortunate show of affection.
Allowing herself to feel it, just a little, Alexis was tired. She was so tired, and maybe she could be quiet for just a little so she could maybe dream up a solution to this problem, or something. “If I fall asleep, you’ll stay?” She asked, blushing a little at her own, stupid request. “I’ve like, never been super great at being alone.”
"It's a horrible burden," Stan said with faux seriousness, because he'd considered himself extremely right for all of his life. Whether that be pointing out just how stupid some of the things they got up to as kids was, or now being one of the few voices of reason among a very vocal group that seemed not interested in logic more often than not.
But he let her continue, agreeing with his advice, that she'd need to take care of herself at least a little bit if she was going to be able to have that talk with Quentin when he came back.
It seemed he'd finally managed to convince her of this much at least, it was just one step among several that she would need to take in the course of getting Quentin back, but he was satisfied that they'd made it this far. "Yeah of course," he nodded, "I'll be right here." He promised her, if this was what it took then he'd stick around.