WHAT: Isaac & Robbie have a bad night WHERE: Near the beach WHEN: Late Friday, April 12th WARNINGS:memory loss, mind control, violence, claustrophobia, paranoia. STATUS: Completed
Isaac, honestly, hadn't felt like he could handle Carter's birthday but he wasn't going to keep Robbie from it. He'd stand by the windows and just stay calm. All night it had been a struggle but he was determined to be there.
If he was there, then maybe even if he wasn't close to Robbie, or if Robbie left, he wouldn't lose everyone. Maybe one day he'd be family just because he was Isaac, not because he was Robbie's.
It was still a relief to get out into the air and the open sky after the night was done. His breath shook as he let it out, as they started their walk back.
“I think Carter liked his presents,” he told Robbie, forcing himself to be upbeat.
Isaac had been weird all day, and Robbie didn’t know what to make of it. It was stressing him out, feeding into the paranoia that was starting to become more and more of a problem for Robbie. He felt like everyone was lying to him all the time, hiding things. Isaac’s distance despite reassuring Robbie that they were okay only served to feed that paranoia more.
Still, they left together. Any other time, Robbie might not have questioned Isaac’s attempt at being upbeat, he might not have caught the lie in the tone of his voice as he brought up the gift they’d given Carter.
“You think so? I hope so.” Robbie wasn’t a very good gift giver, but he was trying. He kept his distance as they walked, despite how uncomfortable it made him. He wanted to be holding Isaac’s hand, shoulders bumping into each other as they moved. Instead, he had his hands shoved into his pockets.
Isaac nodded at that. He thought so but more than that, he hoped so too. He was sure Robbie would get most of the credit but maybe they would still like him even if… whatever, happened.
He looked down while they walked, trying to push back the feeling of danger that seemed to permeate him whenever he was inside lately. He fell quiet while he tried to feel at ease again, safe.
At least he had Robbie, he always felt safe with Robbie, even if they were both way too tense and quiet right now.
“Back to the beach?” he asked him softly.
“Back to the beach, yeah.” Though he wondered now if that was a good idea. It was still cold at night, and Isaac felt so distant that Robbie wasn’t sure he’d allow him to keep him warm tonight. Or maybe he would, and this was some kind of manipulation for reasons Robbie couldn’t understand. He’d been played with before - not like this, but he was well aware how quickly the feeling of safety and home and love could be pulled out from under you.
It felt like it was about to be pulled from him at any moment. Either losing all his memories again or by regaining them. It was stressful.
Can you hear me dear? Whether that was in his head or not, Robbie startled and looked at Isaac, eyes narrowed. “What did you say?” He asked once his eyes refocused. He felt blood on his hands, still shoved in his pockets. His eyes flashed orange.
It was hard to remember that they were outside when something about this still felt so stifling. Isaac was sure it was just tension from the hours he was inside, that fight or flight instinct still flicking on with every breath. He had fallen quiet to just work on breathing when he heard Robbie’s question.
“I didn't say anything,” he told him, his head tilted, looking over at him with concern.
“Are you okay?”
“But I just heard you.” He argued, because if it was Isaac fucking with him, that was better than if Robert was really there. Maybe they were all fucking with him. Maybe Ezra was just a nice old man that loved Robbie and the Bennett pack had come and ruined it all and stolen him away here. Lied about not knowing what was going on with Robbie, lied about it all.
Maybe Isaac was in on it too, now. Or always had been, and this was some sort of test or trap. His hands clenched in fists in his pockets, and he took a step back from Isaac. “We were just walking and I swore I heard you say it - you said -”
Will you please hear me, dear? Robbie stopped in his tracks, his face going blank like he had no thoughts at all.
Isaac turned to face Robbie, frowning, his own hands shoved into his pockets. “I didn't say anything,” he said and he couldn't help that he sounded a little exasperated. It had been kind of a long night.
Robbie stopped walking and Isaac stopped too, turning to face him. He didn't like the look on his face, totally blank.
“Robbie? What did you think I said?”
“You said…” Can you hear me can you hear me can you hear me can you hear me dear? Ezra’s voice rang through his head over and over and Robbie stepped back, covering his hears with his hands like he was in pain. At the final word, at the dear Robbie cried out, his face elongating into a wolf-snout, a howl ripping through him.
He was a wolf within moments, his clothes somewhat intact beneath him. He growled at Isaac, circling him, like he was thinking of the best way to attack.
As blank as his mind was, there was part of Robbie that was hearing please don’t dont please stop let me go let me go LET ME GO and Robbie whined, stumbling - like he was an awkward, new wolf who didn’t know how to walk when really he was just fighting with himself.
Whatever was happening, Isaac didn't know how to stop it. Robbie looked and sounded like he was in so much pain, it made Isaac's chest ache for him. “I swear, I didn't say anything,” he told him.
Robbie wolfed out and started to circle him, and Isaac was certain that he was going to jump. Strike. He didn't want to be larger than he was right now; he knelt in his place instead, his hands at his sides.
“It's okay, Robbie. It's okay, it's okay,” he repeated. “Shh, come here. It's okay.”
It looked, for a minute, that he was going to give up. Tail between his legs, head low, Robbie approached Isaac slowly for a second, sniffing the air, like maybe there wasn't any real threat. Maybe it was just an overreaction.
The wind picked up, and he heard it again. The trigger. Robbie launched himself at Isaac, knocking him onto his back. This time, though, it wasn’t strong enough to actually make him hurt Isaac.
He saw the look on Isaac’s face and Robbie immediately went from a growl to a choking sound, like he was crying, whining and he nosed Isaac’s neck, his face, licking him. He was shaking from head to toe.
He backed off, eventually, and when he was able to find himself again, to remember his tether, he shifted back human, grabbing his pants and throwing them on. The shirt was torn, another one wasted. “I’m - I’m so sorry, Isaac, I’m sorry are you okay?”
Robbie held his hands up like he surrendered, stepping towards Isaac. “I - I didn’t mean to do that.”
For a second, Isaac was absolutely sure that Robbie was going to bite him, maybe rip his throat out. Isaac fell back and he didn't even raise a hand to protect himself, too scared.
He flashed back to his dad. Every time he'd lashed out, out of nowhere. Isaac had never seen it coming. And he hadn't seen it coming with Robbie either, but he felt the same quiet resignation when it was happening. If he hadn't pissed his dad off. If he’d been better at comforting Robbie. If he'd known what to say or do.
Then an instant later it was over. Robbie didn't hurt him. He let out a sigh of relief and sat up, then stood, brushing himself off as Robbie changed back and got himself dressed.
“Are you okay?” he asked him softly.
Robbie felt like he was going to be sick. How was he any better, any different than the others in Isaac's life who had hurt him? Who had let him down? Robbie was the same - no, worse. He'd promised not to be that way, and yet, here they were.
“I'm under control.” He answered, carefully avoiding the question while letting Isaac know he was going to go feral on him. Again.
Eyes wet, he turned away from Isaac, defeated. “I'm so sorry. I -” Trying not to be a coward, he looked back, taking another careful step forward. “I'm so, so sorry.”
Isaac took in a deep breath that shook going in and shook going out, and maybe that was because he was shaking in general. But he took a step forward too, wrapping his arms around Robbie. He was okay, he was under control, whatever had happened was past now. For now.
“It's okay,” he whispered, holding onto him tight. “You didn't mean to. You're okay now.” Isaac thought, he was tired of being strong but he needed to keep doing it.
“You're okay. We're okay.”
He wish he wouldn’t do that. He wish they all wouldn’t. Isaac pulled Robbie in close and Robbie didn’t reciprocate because he didn’t want to accidentally hurt him, he didn’t want to be comforted, he didn’t want any of this. He didn’t deserve it.
“Please, don’t.” He said, pulling back, pulling away. “I -” He was trying so hard to be strong, too, for Isaac and everyone else, the paranoia eating him away, the memories bursting at the seems wanting to break through as much as he wanted to hold them back.
That voice, whispering dear in the wind.
“I don’t deserve it.”
If Isaac had to pick between getting jumped at by the wolf again or Robbie pulling away from him, he would've picked the wolf attack. It hurt less than the distance Robbie put between them. Isaac felt everything in him drop - his stomach, his shoulders, his heart, his face.
“I think you're wrong,” he told him. “But I'm not going to force things on you that you don't want anymore.”
He shoved his hands into his pockets again so they could keep moving.
That’s not at all what he thought was going on here - and Robbie didn’t move at all, despite the fact that Isaac looked like he was ready to go. “No.” He shook his head, biting his own lip before he gave up, stepping forward and pulling Isaac to him.
“That’s not it at all, Isaac. I want you.” He said, earnest and he squeezed Isaac harder, closer. “I just don’t want to be another person who hurts you.” Said softer, shame-filled and quiet in Isaac’s ear.
He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what was right. “I’m sorry, I don’t know the right thing to do. I’m scared, and you’re scared, and things are really hard and I felt like… like you were pulling away from me, earlier, and - and I hear him, all the time now. Ezra. Saying the trigger.”
Isaac shook his head a little at what Robbie said, holding him close. “You don't want to hurt me, that already makes you different from them,” he told him. He squeezed him tighter.
“I don't know the right thing to do either, I'm scared too. Things are really, really hard. I just, I don't know how I'm supposed to help you if I can't even help myself. And the truth is, it was really hard to be inside at that party but I didn't want you to miss it and I want the pack to… to accept me, I want to be their family because I'm me, not because I'm important to you, I'm glad I'm important to you but if I,” he shook his head a little, swallowed hard.
He didn't want to finish that. It didn't matter. “Sorry I was pulling away. I don't know what to do to help you, I wish I could make it stop, Robbie.”
“Isaac, that's not true. Mark invited you into the pack, didn't he? Mark doesn't even know me. For him, we've never met. They don't only care about you because of me.” He pulled back, but only enough to look Isaac in the eyes. He still had his arms around him.
Everything was hard, and neither of them knew how to fix it, how to help each other. “We just, we do our best. We stay on the beach and we don't force ourselves to be okay if we're not.”
He pulled Isaac back in, kissing his cheek as he did so, reading his face against Isaac’s neck.
“Well, Carter - Carter said,” Isaac started but what Carter had said, thinking about how to explain it to Robbie, didn't seem like it should've caused all this. Like maybe his mind had twisted it, exaggerated it.
He let out a breath and held Robbie closer. “I'm sorry. It wasn't anything, I'm just, it's been a long week,” he told him softly. It was his mind, his anxiety.
“We do our best,” he whispered back in agreement, holding him close.
Robbie bristled, his body going rigid for a moment when Isaac started to say that Carter had said something - quickly retracting that statement, though. Robbie wasn’t about to let that go. He growled, low and possessive in Isaac’s ear. “What did he say?” He asked - vaguely demanding.
He sniffed Isaac again, before letting out little huffs of breath, all over his neck, his arm, before he pulled back and kissed Isaac, not altogether softly. After a moment, he broke the kiss but kept his face close to Isaac’s.
“You’re mine, and you are important - not just to me, and not because of me. What did he say?”
Isaac knew it wasn't altogether healthy but he liked the fierce protectiveness that Robbie had right then, over him. “Just that I was important to you so I was practically family. And I know what he meant, and … it's in my head, thinking that it meant I'd be nothing to anyone if I wasn't important to you. Like you said, Mark invites me to things, and I know Carter didn't mean that.”
He hoped he knew, anyway. “It's just, I think we're both exhausted, trying to be strong and make it through this and everything seems worse than it is.”
Robbie calmed hearing what Carter had actually said, because it was true - while he could see exactly why Isaac interpreted it that way, he knew Carter didn’t mean anything by it. Or at least, he hoped he didn’t. The slight paranoia wanted to take hold of him again there, thinking maybe Carter was trying to drive a wedge between them.
He’d told Isaac about Kelly, after all. Maybe he was. Kelly was extremely important to Carter, being his brother and his tether. He loved Kelly. So maybe seeing Robbie with Isaac was a lot for him.
If he let his mind keep going down that rabbit hole, though, it would twist everything and he’d start to lose reality again. “It is, I’m so tired and you’re tired and can we just - can we just go cuddle on the beach and not pretend we’re alright?”
Isaac nodded. He knew it, that no one in the pack would exclude him if Robbie dumped him one day or disappeared, but he was so used to being left and pushed away. He was used to losing his family and his packs. So it was hard to trust it wasn't happening again.
He squeezed Robbie tight. “Can we? Please?” he breathed a sound that was part laugh, part sob. Relief.
He so desperately needed to not pretend he was okay, just for a little while.
“Of course we can.” His voice was soft, reassuring. Even if he felt unsettled, worried that he would be triggered again, that he could hurt Isaac. If he were being honest, he knew he was being selfish - asking Isaac to stay with him when he was so clearly dangerous.
He could justify it that Isaac needed him, too, and that he wouldn’t ever hurt anyone and Robert wasn’t really here, but… the paranoia flared in him again, his eyes glowing orange. He took Isaac’s hand in his and stepped back, tugging him along with him.
“Let’s say it then. I’m not okay. I’m really really fucking not okay. I’m hearing the voice of a man who stole ten years of my life, lied to me, pretended to love me, pretended to be family, and used me to hurt the only pack I ever belonged to. I’m hearing him say those words I used to think were out of love and comfort but really were to trigger me into being compliant, to keep control over me.”
His voice cracked, tears spilling out over his eyes as he walked backwards, squeezing Isaac’s hand. “And I’m selfish for keeping you here with me,” He said, really being honest now. “When I could hurt you, like I did - I remember that, hurting two of our human pack members. I remember… I remember some other things, too.”
He thought, anyway. He couldn’t be sure. “Your turn. Because you’re not okay.”
Isaac squeezed his hand gently while he listened to him talk and he could feel the fear and the pain in Robbie. And the guilt. He reached up to brush his tears away, cupped his cheek in his hand.
“What else do you remember?” he asked him. It wouldn't be too much, no matter what it was, he knew.
He swallowed hard at the question, the passing of it to his turn. “I'm not okay,” he agreed. “I'm not okay because I need to be okay but I'm not, every time I go into a building it's like I'm locked in that old broken freezer again and it's chained shut and I don't know when he's going to open it and let me out again. And I need to be okay, I was okay for so long, I don't understand why I can't just be okay again.”
He felt his eyes getting wet too and he didn't want them to be. “I need to be okay because you need me and I'm useless like this, I'm already useless because I don't know how to help you and I'm even worse with all this, and I'm - I'm sorry, I don't know how to help you and Kelly would know what to do, right? He'd help. I bet he'd help. He'd be better than me at this, that's why you have him back home and you're stuck with me, here.”
“I remember… Ox. My alpha. Not - not the only one, but the first one, the one who accepted me. I remember meeting him for the first time. I remember the shop, the smell of oil and grease and sweat and ozone, because Gordo had wards all over the place. I remember dinner, family dinner - because it’s tradition, all of us. The whole pack.” They were just glimpses of memories, not full things, but enough to give him hope. Which was, maybe, more painful than anything else.
Isaac’s hand on his face was the only thing steadying him in that moment, and once again they were stopped, not walking despite the eventual destination of the beach. It wasn’t even that far away, but they needed this. It was quiet here, private, on the path back to the beach from Carter and Luke’s place.
He listened as Isaac told his side, of how he wasn’t okay and Robbie shushed him, putting his hands on either side of Isaac’s face. “Hey, hey hey - no, listen, listen to me.” He said, making sure Isaac was looking him in the eyes when he spoke next. “You’re not useless and you don’t have to be okay for me. Even when you pretend, I know you’re in pain - I can feel it, all that blue…” Robbie kissed him again.
“Kelly didn’t know what to do either. No one did. Hell, I don’t, Gordo doesn’t. It - it was worse, because I couldn’t be what he needed… I don’t remember it, and he did, and it hurt him so much I couldn’t imagine how anyone could stand it, to hurt like that.” And it had been all his fault. It was always his fault. It’s why no one loved him. “But that doesn’t make anyone useless, especially you. You’ve helped me so much and I’m here to help you too, because we’re safe, you’re safe, no one’s going to lock you away anywhere. I won’t let anyone.”
Isaac could only imagine that having a happy memory amidst all the horrible ones would hurt even more. How cruel it must feel. He frowned at that, shaking his head a little.
Sometimes it hurt to remember how his father was before he was cruel and drunk all the time. Knowing what was possible made the pain that much worse. Things could be good.
He couldn't remember ever crying in front of Robbie like this but it finally happened. He sobbed softly when he touched him and met his eyes and Robbie reassured him. “Really?” he asked him softly. “You don't wish I was better?”
Seeing Isaac cry like that, Robbie couldn’t help but cry too. “I don’t wish you were anything different than who you are, Isaac.” He made sure Isaac could see him then, looking him right in the eye so he could really, really hear it, really see how genuine Robbie was about it.
He knew he had a mate out there. But mates were a lot of things, not just the only person you could ever romantically be with, or have romantic feelings for. Kelly wasn’t here, and Robbie didn’t remember him, and even if he did - well, Robbie was realizing it might not be all that different. Even if he remembered and Kelly was here.
Maybe he’d been wrong about his mate, like his mother had been. Because looking at Isaac like this, how could Isaac not be? “You’re perfect as you are, Isaac. Everyone sees that but you.”
Isaac couldn't hold himself together when Robbie told him that he was enough, he wouldn't want him to be any different. Perfect as he was. It couldn't be true but he trusted Robbie with everything. He cried so hard his body heaved with it, in Robbie's arms. He felt like he might turn inside out.
“I don't want to give you back if he ever comes,” Isaac told him. “I don't want to just be borrowing you. I don't want to give you back.” He sobbed the words into his shoulder, a desperate plea to his voice, like he knew he had to but he couldn't. He just couldn't do it.
“Oh, Isaac.” He said, his voice low, he held him close and tried to keep him together like if he let go Isaac might just fall to bits, a puddle of blue on the ground. He felt it all, all that blue washing over him like a tidal wave but it was mixed, mixed with sweet green relief and a little with fear, black as night.
“Is that what you’ve been thinking?” He asked, his voice still soft in Isaac’s ear. “That if I remember, that if Kelly shows up, I’ll just leave you?”
Isaac nodded. He thought Robbie knew it too, all this time. That they had this understanding. “I'm just borrowing you until I've got to give you back to the people you really belong with.”
He didn't think it was that crazy, thinking Robbie would leave him. People left him all the time. “You're not really mine,” he whispered to him.
“I’m not?” That hurt. Robbie didn’t move though, he didn’t take a step back because he knew it wasn’t meant cruelly - that this was just something Isaac honestly believed. That he would never belong to Robbie and Robbie would never truly belong to him, because of Kelly.
Robbie growled, just a little. “You’re mine and I’m yours and we are pack. You and me. We’re pack with or without anyone else, and I -” He hesitated, only for a second, because the fear was drowning him. “I love you.”
“I'm yours but you're not mine,” Isaac whispered before Robbie went on, stopping him in his tracks. Before he growled and told Isaac exactly how it was.
That he was Robbie and Robbie was his and they were pack and… and Robbie loved him.
“I love you too,” he told him, softly, his voice full of wonder. He didn't think Robbie was his, he didn't think he'd ever hear him say that.
“I am yours. Memories or not, Kelly or not, Dunwich or not.” He thought of Mark, with Gordo and Richie. Even though Mark knew Gordo was his mate, he’d found love with someone else, too. They made it work. Carter, too. Maybe Carter didn’t know that his timber wolf was his mate, but they were - everyone else could tell, and he’d found Luke.
It didn’t have to be one or the other. Robbie would never have thought himself lucky enough to be able to have more than one love in his life - hell, he never thought he’d have one. Yet here Isaac was. “You do? You love me, too?”
“And I don't have to give you back?” Isaac's voice was muffled because he pulled Robbie in close to hold him tight. He felt a little tremble in his body from it all, from crying, from all that emotion.
“I do, I love you,” he whispered to him, and he kissed his cheek, not wanting to pull back even an inch.
“You don’t have to give me back.” He promised, holding Isaac just as close, just as tight. He wouldn’t let go for anything, not right now. Maybe not ever. Not unless Isaac asked him too.
Hearing those words back, Robbie felt his face go warm, his eyes wet with fresh tears. “Good, that’s good.”
Isaac held him close, and he knew that not having to let Robbie go didn't mean that he had to hold him right now forever, but he still wanted to. Tight, squeezing him, fiercely. There was something in him that felt so serene now that he'd told Robbie that he was afraid he'd have to give him back one day.
“It's good,” he agreed, crying as well. He couldn't stop it.
He didn't want to let go either, and was content to stand there hugging forever. It was better than anything else. It was getting colder though, and they had a beach to get to.
“C'mon, let's go back to the beach. We'll cuddle and get some rest and tomorrow… tomorrow, we have to do something about what I'm hearing.” Robbie sighed, terrified at any moment he would lose it again. “I don't know if it's all in my head or what but it's really messing with me.”
Isaac nodded at that, and he pulled back enough to cup Robbie's face and kiss him, quick but tender. “Whatever we have to do, whatever it takes, I'll be right there with you.”
He could promise. Even if it was inside, he'd do it for Robbie.