Tweak

InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "How do you do, fellow kids?"

Username: 
Password:    
Remember Me
  • Create Account
  • IJ Login
  • OpenID Login
Search by : 
  • View
    • Create Account
    • IJ Login
    • OpenID Login
  • Journal
    • Post
    • Edit Entries
    • Customize Journal
    • Comment Settings
    • Recent Comments
    • Manage Tags
  • Account
    • Manage Account
    • Viewing Options
    • Manage Profile
    • Manage Notifications
    • Manage Pictures
    • Manage Schools
    • Account Status
  • Friends
    • Edit Friends
    • Edit Custom Groups
    • Friends Filter
    • Nudge Friends
    • Invite
    • Create RSS Feed
  • Asylums
    • Post
    • Asylum Invitations
    • Manage Asylums
    • Create Asylum
  • Site
    • Support
    • Upgrade Account
    • FAQs
    • Search By Location
    • Search By Interest
    • Search Randomly

ofmanydevices ([info]ofmanydevices) wrote in [info]disappear_rpg,
@ 2010-04-28 09:26:00

Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry
Entry tags:kozue, tom

WHO: Kozue and Tom
WHAT: Post-Dungeon discussion
WHEN: After dungeon
WHERE: Room of Kozue
WHY: Because Tom got a text message


Tom stood outside the door to Kozue's dorm. Feeling slightly nervous, and not entirely because it was also Kiriko's room. During the time they were in Paradise saving Kozue Tom had realized how important she was to him as a friend. She actually cared, she had taken the time to get to know him, and back when he was trying to push everyone away she was the only one who refused to let him push. She had saved his life, at least twice, and helped him to understand his issues enough to get beyond them.

In short Tom had realized that Kozue was his best friend. An odd thought for him, having never expected to have enough friends to identify one of them as a "best friend," but that was how it worked out. But in the dungeon Tom had that Kozue's ability to make friends didn't just extend to him, but to everyone on the team. Everyone cared and loved Kozue Kondo deeply it seemed. So while Kozue was Tom's best friend, it seemed clear to him that it was unlikely he was hers. Not that this troubled him a great deal. He was happy to have just a close friend, and it was good to know so many people cared about her. Certainly she would be closer to other people, people who could express their feelings, people who she didn't sometimes think were "kind of nuts."

So when her dungeon ended he thought it best to give her space. He would seek her out once she'd had time to rest, and get through the full parade of well wishers and friends that would undoubtedly come to see her. That is until Kozue herself sent him a number of rather insistant texts telling him she wished to talk right now. So here Tom stood outside her door. Half wondering if he should have tried to bring Max along.

Finally he took a deep breath, reached up and knocked.

.


(Post a new comment)


[info]anthesphoria
2010-04-28 04:46 pm UTC (link)
Someone scuffled around inside a bit, and then the door creaked open, just a little. Kozue peered out. Her hair was up in a ponytail--odd for her, already, and her contacts were still missing, it seemed. She smiled, upon seeing Tom, and then quite quickly bit the smile back. She looked guilty.

"Hey. I..." She swallowed. "Thanks for coming. Do you want to come in?"

(Reply to this)


[info]ofmanydevices
2010-04-28 05:18 pm UTC (link)
Tom slipped his hands into his pockets and a smile slid across his face. He was glad to see her, up and glad that she wasn't hiding her eyes. At least not for him.

"I would love to."

He stepped in the door, and did a quick once over of the room. he'd been there before so his quick look was to assess hiding places, escape routes, all of that. It was force of habit by this point. Then finally he looked at Kozue and nodded.

"What did... what's up?"

(Reply to this) (Thread)


[info]anthesphoria
2010-04-28 10:27 pm UTC (link)
"I wanted to talk." There was still an air of awkwardness around her; it only made the changes in her demeanor more obvious. Kozue was tired, and looked (probably for the first time since her grandmother died) like someone who had just lost a family member or been through some other tragedy. Whether or not confronting yourself in Paradise actually counted for a tragedy was debatable, perhaps... But, still, she looked tired; not quite miserable, but residing in some outlying suburb of misery.

And guilt. Oh, guilt.

"For what I did to you. About that. I'm sorry."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]ofmanydevices
2010-04-29 04:44 am UTC (link)
Tom shooks hie head.

"You have absolutely nothing to apologize for. I knew what I was getting into when I went in. Just like you did when you came in to save me. Every thing I went through in Paradise was more then worth it to rescue you." Tom felt for a moment like he should reach out to her, some kind of comforting hug or something but ultimately stood there with his hands at his side.

"But I know that you need to apologize to clear your conscience as much as you are apologizing to make things right between us. So... Kondo-chan, for anything I went through, you are forgiven."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]anthesphoria
2010-04-29 11:52 pm UTC (link)
She gave a shuddering breath, while he was speaking, and only after he finished did she look back up at him. Nodded. "That's... I guess. As much as it feels selfish to admit that," she agreed. And stopped, letting out a breath in a heavy, long sigh. "It's probably true."

"You were just the person hurt worst by it. And even if you knew what you were getting into, I still did that. Part of me did." She looked up at him, as if she was about to launch into another attempt to beg forgiveness, but the look in his eyes made her stop. Something was turning over in her mind—after a long moment, she gave a small smile. "That means a lot to me. Thanks."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]ofmanydevices
2010-04-30 02:06 pm UTC (link)
"It may sound selfish, but... I think almost all the things people do, they do for themselves as much as for others." Tom looked toward the ground and swung his hands back and fourth.

"I used to think that personal motivation was the only reason anyone did anything, but things are different now. I think... I think that everything we do is still based on personal motivation, but often that personal motivation... is compassion for others... I think... I'm still studying." It was Tom's turn to turn things over in his mind, it seemed he was contemplating what to say for a long time before he looked back at Kozue. He smiled when he saw her blue eyes though.

"I... I guess you don't need me to tell you about how to handle the aftermath of Paradise. I imagine you've had... or will have a number of people who want to give you encouragement and instruction."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]anthesphoria
2010-05-03 01:00 am UTC (link)
"Are you kidding? I'd... god, I'd love it if somebody told me. Everybody is worried, but," she stopped, and shook her head, "I don't know, maybe nobody knows any better than I do what I should do next." And I'm too embarrassed to ask them, for the most part, but she left that part off. Aside from Kiriko, Tom was the only person she thought she could actually ask that of, without feeling like she was going to die of shame shortly after. Even if they all knew, already.

That was... sort of, she figured, one of the more stomach-turning aspects of trying to decide what to do with herself from here on out. She felt more intimate with the people who had been in her Paradise than she did with, well, nearly everyone she'd slept with. That had to be messed up (and Kozue was not in a mood to interrogate too closely how). She took a breath, swaying slightly where she was standing. "How do you deal with it?"

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]ofmanydevices
2010-05-03 01:24 pm UTC (link)
Tom took a deep breath, not nearly expecting Kozue to ask him his opinion. He had expected the team to have given her some kind of advice. Generic advice and support, but still, he was surprised that no one seemed to offer anything.

"Keep going is the first step. It seems like our time after coming back from Paradise is almost an entirely new life. In some ways it is, since we would be dead other wise. And suddenly it's all different, you end up so... exposed, and despite the fact that you've seen all of those people go in time and time again to rescue everyone else who's ended up in there, despite having gone in every time yourself without hesitation... you never really expected them to care enough about you to go in. You thought you were disposable, But they saved you. And more then that, they saw all the stuff about you that you didn't want them to see, or didn't want to see yourself, and... they didn't leave.

And they still haven't left. So now every thing is... kind of different. You feel differently about people, you realize some of them are more important to you then you thought they were, and some of them are..." He paused to try and seemed to roll that idea over in his mind, before shaking his head.

"And it seems like it would be easy for you to go back to who you were, because it's what you're used to, but it would... sort of be a betrayal to the people who risked their lives for you. So then you feel like you have a big obligation to change yourself, and you almost end up acting like a completely different person... or you think you should..." Finally Tom looked at Kozue and let out a breath. Realizing that he'd revealed far more of his own emotional state then he would normally have, and also realizing that it wasn't so bad, because he was saying it to his best friend. Apparently one never stopped learning the lessons Paradise taught.

"Uh... in the end... I mean... now... yeah, now take it slow. Be yourself. You don't have to change, at least not that much. Just do what feels comfortable. It's actually kind of lucky. Paradise seems to show us what our problem is. So just go about things as you normally would, try to keep an eye for when you do the kinds of things that created your shadow in the first place.

You're smart enough to figure things out as time goes on, and it's not like you have some kind of deadline... at least not now. So take you're time, you're friends will still be there as you work it out."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]anthesphoria
2010-05-13 11:45 pm UTC (link)
Kozue listened. Let Tom speak. Once or twice she had opened her mouth, or wanted to, to interject, interrupt, agree. She wasn't sure what. But it was a moment and a thing that had to be said, she realized, which she had no business cutting into. It was for her benefit, but the more (and the more carefully) she listened, the more she realized who it was really about.

When he finished, she let out a breath, and tried to smile through the mire of self-doubt she had been sunk in. "Thanks, Sagaki-senpai. I mean... it's a vote of confidence, and I suppose I really need that." If her Shadow had been right, if what it had shown her had been accurate, in its way of hating and caring about and being disgusted with her in such mixed up and conflicted measures was accurate... No, Kozue knew it was. There was something about this that was supposed to be coming to terms with that. "I certainly don't feel smart enough."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]ofmanydevices
2010-05-14 02:46 pm UTC (link)
Tom lowered his head slightly and shrugged. "I don't feel smart enough most of the time. I just try to work things out and hope I am." He put his hands on his hips. He straightened slightly. He tried to think.

"You... uh... you know things. When there's something I don't understand I ask you're advice, and you always know the answer. Given that it is an area of study I am unfamiliar with, I can't entirely figure out ways to apply you're knowledge. But still it is knowledge that you possess and others don't, which is important."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]anthesphoria
2010-05-18 01:23 am UTC (link)
"I know things? Not really," she disagreed, shaking her head slightly. And then her eyes narrowed. ".... what do you mean? An area of study?"

What on earth was Tom talking about? Knowledge that she possessed and... She stopped, and stared at him. "Wait. ... did you just suggest that I'm smart because I'm a slut? Seriously?"

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]ofmanydevices
2010-05-18 04:03 pm UTC (link)
"That's a bit of an over simplification of the statement, I think. " Tom shifted his weight back and fourth between his feet before he began pacing for a moment.

"First, the use of a slur to suggest that there is something wrong with your previous behavior. Provided it's entirely consensual, and you are careful, there is absolutely no issue there that I can see." Tom's face contorted for a moment while he thought.

"Plus much of what we do depends on perspective. For example, Sonozaki-san's desperate need to sacrifice herself in your dungeon seemed to stem from the fact that she lacked a persona, not exactly the best reasons for doing something. Where as I'm willing to get injured for my friends because I've been hurt before and I know what I can take. Similarly, if you're intimate interactions with other people is for the fun of it, then what's the harm?" He swung his arms back and fourth and looked at her.

"Besides, even if the knowledge gained stemmed from a negative experience, it is still knowledge gained. I know how to fight, it's because I've been in numerous fights. You could say I'm smart because I've gotten my ass kicked, and it sounds just as ridiculous, but it's helped not only myself but other members on the team.

And as far as what you "know." I'm not so oblivious to human interaction that I'm unaware of how far someone can go on social interaction alone. And no I don't mean sleeping your way to the top." He stepped closer to her, but then stopped and looked toward the ground for a moment, and then back to her, meeting her perplexed, and semi-incredulous gaze.

"You get people. When I'm confused about anything in regards to other people I can ask you and you understand. I mean... shadows murderers, all this crazy stuff, one day it's going to be done. We're going to catch the killer, and then this'll be over. And for all of my intelligence, I will have virtually no real applicable skills, and even the rather useful ones I have won't be nearly is helpful because of things like how it took me two years to figure out how to knock instead of just breaking in.
Meanwhile you... regardless of what skills you think you have, or don't think you have, you can talk to people, and they like you. You understand. And that's your power. That's why you're smart."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]anthesphoria
2010-05-18 09:04 pm UTC (link)
Kozue's mouth was a bit dry.

She hadn't expected that. "I'm... Um. That's a lot to process?"

She swallowed; here was Tom admitting to failings—failings that seemed pretty severe as she thought about them—with one hand and praising her with the other. She could knock it down, she knew immediately that she could, refute his points with bad things about herself because she had thoughts of far too many of them kept in supply.

She did because she'd always had those things in the back of her mind, and that had sent her to Paradise. She paused, wondering if keeping them in was worse, but... Definitely, fighting tooth and nail for them? That had to be wrong.

"Thank you," she said, instead, looking down.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]ofmanydevices
2010-05-19 12:21 am UTC (link)
"Well I... I uh..." Tom reached up and scratched his head. He bit his lip, and cocked his head to the side looking the small girl over. He contemplated her comment on wanting to "process his words. It made him examine them in greater detail. Here he stood admitting that he knew that he didn't know how to be social. He was explaining things rather then let Kozue think about them for her self. Maybe he should follow her example and try to... 'understand."

"Do you... Uh want to talk about it?"

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]anthesphoria
2010-06-03 10:50 pm UTC (link)
She was silent for a good long while, eyes unfocused and thoughts drifting somewhere else. Talking about it was... It would hurt. It wouldn't make sense. Would he understand? But he seemed to want to try.

Still... Still, it took time, and she licked her lips for a moment before nodding. "... I guess it's just hard to hear. I don't usually believe people when they tell me good things. I mean, that don't involve how I look or how I—am good at some things." She cleared her throat, awkwardly, because explaining that would be terrible. She'd blush. And Kondo Kozue never blushed. "I'm not used to trying to believe them, mostly, and it's hard to do. I think I'm blaming everyone else again." She let out a breath, ragged and small, and continued. "...Maybe, at least. But you telling me I'm good... It's nice to hear, but I need to hear it from myself. That's what..." Her words kept betraying her, falling out from underneath her. "Well, you were there. You saw. You heard."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]ofmanydevices
2010-06-04 05:09 am UTC (link)
Tom felt desperately like he should do something to comfort her. She seemed so small and vulnerable. But he was rather unsure, he'd never even tried anything other then words. What if he hurt her, or if it turned out it was ridiculously inappropriate. She might hit him, or tell him to get out. He lifted an arm, that hung in the air for a moment then balled into a fist. She had other friends for hugging. Tom didn't imagine himself to be the kind of friend you hugged.

Slowly, he sunk to the ground nearby, having completely forgotten that he was waiting for her to tell him he could.

"I could say it again if you think that would help? I have no idea what I'm doing here... I just... you always helped me before." He scratched his head for a moment and let out a breath. "you know it's... it's funny. Before I met you guys, I never thought I was going abut things in the wrong manner. But even then I don't know if I was... if I liked... how I... umm.... have you talked to other people about this? It seems like Ikeda-san would be a good person to discuss self confidence with." Not that Tom was trying pawn Kozue off on one of her other friends he just didn't know how to handle the situation. Suddenly a thought struck him.

"Oh wait, I know what will help us." He pulled out his phone dialing quickly and smiled at her a bit. "Milkshakes. My treat."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]anthesphoria
2010-06-07 10:36 pm UTC (link)
A smile broke across the confused, distant look on Kozue's face; "Milkshakes? They're..." She laughed--it sounded like the kind of laugh that was close cousin to crying, with an almost wet sound to it. But it was happy, at least. Though she would not own to it, more than likely, Kozue had done more than enough crying this week to be thoroughly tired of it. "They're really good for what ails you, right?"

Seeing that Tom had sat down, Kozue paused a moment before sinking down to join him on the floor, a few feet away and propped against her desk. "You wanted to hear, so I told you. I'm trying to be more honest about myself, too." It was a long laundry list of personal to-do's, true, but this step was easier than many others. Honesty came with difficulty, but it came more quickly to Kozue than things like believing in herself or choosing a path for her life. "Thanks, Sagaki-san. ... And I want strawberry, okay?"

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]ofmanydevices
2010-06-08 04:25 am UTC (link)
When Kozue began to laugh Tom almost dropped the phone. He sat up suddenly so he was on his knees and moved closer. He wondered if she was still injured perhaps, if she needed help. He felt like there was something he should do, but he couldn't think of what. Her comment made him calm slightly and he nodded awkwardly.

He replaced the phone to his ear, and in a few minutes milkshakes and some junk food would be on it's way. He kind of missed American junk food, just for a moment. He moved back to sitting on the floor, and looked at Kozue.

"Well... if we're being honest... umm... you and I are very close... and... and I never thought I'd say this about some one, but you're my best friend. I think you're one of the most important people in my life and I..." Tom took a deep breath, trying not to feel so nervous.

"Knodo-chan.. would you... I mean... I would like it if.... if you would call me Tom from now on."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]anthesphoria
2010-06-10 04:02 pm UTC (link)
It took her a moment, but Kozue smiled, warm and not a little surprised. She hadn't seen that coming, but... "Thank you, Tom-san. That's really sweet—it means a lot." She looked down at her hands, folded and re-folded them in her lap; "I'd be glad to."

[Then they got junk food and shared a precious moment. Hurray, and scene.]

(Reply to this) (Parent)

Home | Site Map | Manage Account | TOS | Privacy | Support | FAQs