Dear you,

You can't die. Your so close to my heart. I don't know if I can ever make jokes and mean it. I don't know if I can ever smile and feel it. It hurts to swallow, and breathe, and to speak is almost impossible. I'm doing it because I know you'd be mad at me if I stopped. I know you'd be mad at me if I gave up. I know I have to be the grounded one while everyone else crumbles to pieces around me. That's the role I usually play, so far I've breathed sufficient life into it. Now, I just don't think...

Everything aches so badly when I think of a world that your no longer in. Had it not been for your existence I wouldn't even be alive. Had it not been for you giving my mom that gentle push for independence, telling her she could do it, that she was strong, and that you believed in how amazing she was... I'd have never even been born. Had it not been for you I'd have had no one to love and raise and nurture me while she worked to keep us both fed and clothed and sheltered. God knows my father was useless in that aspect. Even though I'm older and taller, and my eyes are worse and my sense of humor is maybe a little jaded you always promised your heart to me. You always treated me like a daughter. Always, like I could count on you no matter what. Even if it was jail time. I never had to call you for those things, I'm a good kid. And I know you counted on that, but it was always just in case... and no matter what with you.

And now there isn't anything any one can do! I don't want to believe that... I don't. Your like another mother to me. That's a living piece of me I'm not ready to give up. I won't. But... you can't die... okay?!

I'll always need you grandma,
Me