It's been a while. We don't talk much anymore, aside from the casual hello. I miss you. Well, I miss the things we did. It is wrong but I can't get it out of my head. I still feel you, smell you, taste you. I want you. I hate that I want you because it hurts. It hurts not only me. I wish you would drop your "Mr. Cool" act and tell me things. I know you like when I tell you how I feel. Well I like that too. But I understand why you don't. You fucked up last time. I am willing and have forgiven you. BUT...you also let me know that I can't trust you to make the same mistake again. I am conflicted.
I had wondered why, after months of no contact (which were bliss) you suddenly start liking stuff on Facebook you can see. Admittedly as you are on restricted this is next to nothing but, all of a sudden, you love everything I post.
Now you put up a begging post asking for "kind people" to help you move house. Well, that explains it.
Not even going to respond.
I dunno who to talk to. I dunno what to talk about. What I said was cruel, but I didn't know what to do. You pressed me, and I knew it would hurt you. I could have lied, but then that means I'm lying to you. To lie? Or to hurt? I told you the truth and cried because I couldn't imagine what that did to you. It pushed you away. Perhaps for good. I don't want our amazing friendship to end. I don't want the love between us to fade. I want to go back to when we were happy together. Before I hurt you, before I betrayed your trust. Before you hurt me, and before you left. I remember so much happiness, and from there we do nothing but hurt each other. I hurt you because I don't understand your feelings, and you hurt me because you aren't sure what you want. Maybe the best thing I can do for you is to walk away, and be a guardian angel. But I made a promise to you, that I would always, always be here when you called for me. Perhaps time can rejuvenate what we lost. I lost my best friend. I lost so much more than that.
I have always loved you. You have helped me though so much. You are my best friend, and the person I turn when I do not want to live anymore. You give me a reason to go on. You remind me that I am a good person, that I deserve to find happiness. I know you will never feel the same way I feel about you, but it feels wonderful to know that you will always be there for me, and I feel blessed that I can call you my friend.
The past few weeks have been difficult without you here. I've been feeling less like myself than I did before meeting you and it scares me. I know you started schooling yesterday and I pray that all goes well for you there. I know how much music means to you and that your future is very bright with that.
The thing that scares me the most, at this moment, is the thought that when you get out of the school, you'll want to end our relationship. I know it's probably paranoia talking. After all, you'd promised me marriage and a future by your side, regardless of circumstances, right?
... I'm going to hold you to that promise, my beloved. I will wait for forever for you if I have to. I love you more than anyone on Earth.
"Love as though you've never been hurt."
I still love you. I forgive you for everything that happened the last couple of weeks before you left for Texas and I hope you can forgive me for costing your freedom here. Having to move back to California will be rough on both of us, but for all the love I have for you, I can handle it. I refuse to move on or leave you behind in the past. You changed my life so much for the better and made me a better person for it. We were too emotionally involved to ever let distance become an issue and I'm willing to be patient for anything in our future.
We promised each other our futures together and I'm going to hold you to that promise.
This hurts me.
When you don't tell me what is on your mind, when I know something is, especially when you say "Now is not the time to talk about it", even more especially when I just admitted something very serious....I get scared. Even though you assured me that it has nothing to do with breaking up, I still wonder if you are thinking about, 'why the hell am I even with this woman'. I mean, I feel like especially this week I have given you plenty of reasons to make you think that. I feel like I am sucking the joy out of everything, but from my perspective, I feel like you just aren't understanding me. -sigh- we now have moved to a completely different topic.
This all comes back to that girl. That girl you say you have been friends with for 10 years. That girl that you had romantic feelings for not too long before we started dating 3 years ago. The girl who said she just wanted to be friend, then dated a douchebag, instead of dating a wonderful man like you.
She texts you, and calls you, and you guys talk, and she tells you that she misses you. Then, you try to plan times to hang out, and she ALWAYS bails. And you still try... you still try to make it work. And it really upsets me. I have told you that I am uncomfortable with you being friends with her, but have never said don't see her. Instead of understanding, I am questioned why, and asked 'whats wrong with this friendship'. Nothing is wrong with the friendship, what is wrong is that you WANT to be friends with her, when she has been nothing but a bad one. You WANT to make it work, YOU WANT TO TRY to stay in contact with her. I feel like you aren't sensitive to my feelings. Instead, I feel like you get angry with me for feeling hurt, and confused, and vulnerable. And what hurts the most...is I know this is one area that I can't win. You may accept that I will always have issues with this, but you will never do anything about it. I don't think you will ever truely believe just how hurt I am over this. To you, this is a, molehill..and maybe I am making a mountain out of a molehill, but you know what... you are my boyfriend, you should care that she makes me feel this uncomfortable.
And this goes back to before. I feel like I am some how driving you to wanting to make it work with her, and not me. I feel like the fact you don't want to tell me something is because you want to tell her, or worse, that it is about her. I won't give you sex, and you know what she will. I am not witty or funny, and she is. I am not intelligent, and she is....I feel like I have nothing to offer you right now except how stressed I am, how worried I am, and how just not fun I am right now.
Then when its my turn to brood, and you ask me what wrong, I say its nothing, because I have told you all these issues I have had with her, and I gets me no where. So, I feel trapped and unable to tell you. I can not make you feel the hurt that I am feeling. I don't let yousee the tears that I am crying right now, because you would hold me tight and pet my hair, but in the end...you would not see why I am hurting, even if I explained it many different ways...
I'm trying to let this go, especially because it isn't going to improve, but for some reason.. I just can't...
Dear future in-laws,
Fuck you. I've tried to be open and accepting of the fact that he's your son but when it comes time for a holiday you act as if I'm an insect needing to be crushed. Fuck you for judging me before you even get to know me. What have I even done to you aside from try to be a good girlfriend for him? He is the best thing to ever happen to me and you automatically judge me to be worse than his ex-girlfriend!
Nothing but absolute HATE,
My dearest love,
It has been almost four months since we officially started dating. In this time I have been the happiest I've ever been in years and can honestly say that I must be one of the luckiest people in the world to have a significant other who loves me like you do. It feels like my heart is soaring and I can't come back down to Earth.
With all my heart,
You have never mocked me, told me my faith is stupid, and have never complained about my prayers even when it is in front of you. Because of this you have made my faith stronger. I know that you don't believe in what I believe, but you accept that I do. I appreciate that.
I wish I could tell you this. I don't know why I can't. Its like I want you to know but at the same time I don't.
Yesterday we were talking about my grandma. Even for me her faith in God/Jesus is too strong. She takes being 'On fire for Jesus' to the extreme. I brought up that because I don't like my job I pray every time before I go into to work; Something short and to the point. Grandma probably would have made a 5 min prayer out of it. This is were you mimicked her; saying a prayer like she does about me... And for a moment, I pretended it was you.
I said amen because I hoped that words that came out of your mouth were genuine. I hoped that maybe some part of you was actually praying for me. You never pray... and hearing you say "Dear heavenly father" and "in god's name we pray" made me warm inside because it came from you.
I will cherish this prayer, just in case it is the only one you will ever say, even if it was a joke.
You really should stop eating the string cheese. It's making you a lot fatter than you need to be. Try eating something like granola bars instead of fruit pies. It's depressing looking at you in the mirror at night. Oh well.
Ugh. There goes the hunger call. You're going to go get something, so you might as well do it now. Go, go, go! Shoo!
Not everything is always about you, yet you seem to make it as such. You, you, you, you, you, you, you. You're selfish. You're stupid. You lack common sense and you wonder why you have no friends and no social life. You are the reason. It's YOUR fault and I'm stuck listening to the whining, the bitching and the endless griping because YOU can't get out of your own way. Please, for your own twenty three year old self, grow up and stop griping about everything YOU can change.
Do you really think we don't see what's going on? Are you really that self-centered that you're willing to tear apart our group for selfish reasons like not wanting to pay me the money you owe? What happened to you? You used to be fun to be with and used to not care so much about the small stuff. Where did that friend go?
And why are you driving your boyfriend into your madness? He's MY boyfriend's best friend! Why? Why do I feel like our group is nothing but a distant memory now? I don't get it and probably don't want to.
Searching for answers,
You say stuff like how you can focus on God more and all of that shit. You act like you focused on me, when in truth you never did. You only wanted to use me. You took things from me that were important to me so you will be happy. I always knew it was all about you and what you wanted. There is only one person that you care about, and that person is yourself. You keep trying to tell me that you have changed, that God has changed you, but I know that is far from the truth. You have done this before over and over again. You do something mean or bad and you say you've changed. Give it a week or more, and you right back with your old antics. You are very good at pretending. I wish I never married you.
You don't even think that you did anything wrong. I even tell you how much you are hurting me, but you don't even care. I am for the first time thinking of calling it quits. I feel guilty for even thinking of it. You have no idea how much I have gave up to be with you. I have always knew I would end up with you, even when I didn't want to. I feel like I have been cheated out of something. I gave you my most precious gift, and you don't even appreciate it. You haven't even said you are sorry. It's like you think it's ok that you have hurt me so much. You didn't even try to apologize. I feel like you don't even care about me anymore.
I've kept my silence about you for long enough. I have watched my friends suffer by your ignorance and immaturity for long enough. I know not everything is your fault but by God I am not going to remain silent any longer.
Grow the fuck up already. The world does not revolve around you. No one you know exists just to hear you complain or for you to make them feel as bad as you do just because you're having a bad day. The universe does not revolve around you. The only reason I am even giving you any attention right now is to express how disgusted and enraged I am that you are hurting innocent people with your immature and selfish behaviour,
Please do us all a favour and turn off that computer for once so everyone can recover from how much a fucking BITCH you are.
No feeling whatsoever,
Okay, I get it. What I did was kind of shitty. Yes. I told you that when I was telling you what happened. Me not realizing it was kind of shitty is not the problem here.
Remember when we were friends though? I mean, just friends. I'm taking about 3 years ago when we were working together and going for coffee to bitch about our lives? Remember that? Remember how much fun we used to have? Remember that friendship we didn't want to ruin by getting too serious? Remember all those talks about how we weren't exclusive? And how neither of us were good at relationships and how it would be best for us to just be casual about everything because complications weren't what either of needed in our lives?
So what about all of that? I realize you'd probably not like to think about me hooking up with other guys because you're a little over-protective of me anyway, but I think that shutting me out and not talking to me for over a month because I kissed someone you know is a little immature. Especially because I didn't lie to you about it. And I apologized already. And especially because at the time you said you weren't mad. And that we could still be friends.
So much for that I guess.
Really wish I had my friend back,
I've known you, not entirely well, for four months now. You've grown on me in a way that I really didn't expect and I'm afraid of where these feelings are taking me. You're young. You have your entire life ahead of you. You've been having problems with your current girlfriend's parents. I don't want to add onto your problems.
But in the same vein... I can't stop thinking about you. My heart flutters like a caged bird, my breath catches in my throat and I can barely think straight. I can't deny how I feel when it comes to talking to my heart, but I'm incredibly shy and I never have had the courage to confess how I really feel to my crushes. Whenever I think of doing it I get cold feet.
Yes, you were exactly right in calling me Hyuuga Hinata. I am almost exactly like her. But if I'm Hinata, then you'll have to be my Naruto, because I've fallen irrevocably for you.
liquid friends don't last.
I don't need you to break my heart, I can do it on my own.
I'm sorry I broke up with you, but before I wasn't happy. But now, I'm not happy either, and instead of wanting to get away from you I want to try and be with you again. I'm sorry I'm so fucked up.
I broke my own heart