Dear You,

I don't even know how to begin such a letter. Maybe I'll start with how hurtful you are. Never in my life would I have dreamed that you would take things this far. All I want is an out. I married you but now I wish I never had. I left you after just three months of marriage because I was unhappy. Does that make me a bad person? You wouldn't get a job to take care of me while I was carrying your child. I was the one working, the one that came home and cleaned the house. And what did you do? All you wanted to do was play on your guitar. I tried to file for divorce, you wouldn't cooperate. You even denied that the child was yours and wanted a paternity test. You don't know how badly that hurt. I never cheated on you and you found that out when the test proved that she was yours. Sometimes I wish I had cheated on you, then maybe she wouldn't be yours. You haven't been a daddy to her.

It's been four years since I left you, still haven't been able to divorce you. Our daughter is over three years old and you have seen her four times. The last time you saw her was on her second birthday. How do you think that makes me feel? Our daughter doesn't even know her father. I never said you couldn't see her, you've never really made an attempt to see her. If you really loved her, you would have done anything to see her. The fact that you didn't makes me believe you care nothing about her. Why? She is the most important thing in my life. You have done nothing for her. I am the one that puts clothes on her back, the one that puts food in her mouth, the one that buys her toys, the one that loves on her and give her hugs and kisses everyday. Where are you?

You just now started paying child support the beginning of this year only because DHR got involved. Now you act like you want to see her. Why? Because you have to pay for her? Is that the only reason? Or are you doing this because you think it will make me mad that you want to be around? I want her to know her father but I don't believe that you actually want to be her father. Now you have filed for divorce and think I have all this money because I published a book. I'm not rich, I don't have anything to give to you. My book doesn't bring in a lot of money, I think you believe it does. Are you honestly trying to get part of the royalties for it? How is that fair? I wrote it, you didn't. We haven't even seen each other in over a year. I wrote it last year, you were not around. What do you want from me? Why do I feel like you're trying to screw me over in this divorce?

In the divorce, you want child visitation. I have no problem with that but I can't imagine just letting our daughter going off with you when she doesn't know you. All I want is for you to get to know her before you take her off, before she comes to your home. Do you not realize how traumatizing that can be to your daughter to be with a man that she can only call a stranger? She doesn't know you, she doesn't know you're her father. You have given her nothing so to me, you are not her father, you are just a sperm donor. Why do you have to fight me on this? What did I ever do to you to deserve this? I just want what's right for her, I would think you'd want the same. Why can't you understand that she would be scared being alone with you and not knowing who you are? Why do you have to do this? Why do you have to put me into tears because you are doing what YOU want, not what your daughter wants? I don't understand and I don't think I ever will.

I feel lost. I feel like you are trying to screw me over in this divorce. I was never bad to you. All I ever did was love you. Now the only thing I feel I can do is turn this over to God's hands and let him take care of it. God's love is the only thing that will get me through this. Who else do I have to turn to? He is always there, you have never been. Sometimes I want to hate you, but I can't. But I can't love you either... because no man that does this is worthy of my love.

Me.

Current Mood: depressed