Zoe Kemp (lightningseed) wrote in darker_london, @ 2019-10-09 20:19:00 |
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Entry tags: | elizabeth kemp, zoe kemp |
The morning when I woke up without you for the first time (Zoe, Liz)
Zoe slept through the night, and blinked her eyes open, staring at her wall. Her eyelids felt rough as bark, and it took her a few sleepy moments to work out why she'd been crying.
Oh.
Cai.
Everything else as well, but, Cai. For another moment she tried to convince herself it had been a dream but her body ached like she'd been kicked in the stomach; it was real. Everything was ruined.
And Juliet thought Rachel was in danger and Zoe had gone to sleep and let someone else deal with it. Guilt made her grab for her phone - she didn't remember putting it on to charge but Liz would have known it freaked her out if the battery got below 60%, so it was sitting in its reliable spot beside her bed. No dire messages from anyone.
Usually Zoe didn't believe in 'no news is good news' but this morning she felt too heavy and hurt to deal with it. Maybe Rachel needed saving but Zoe's stomach hurt and she'd ruined things with Cai and because of this all Zoe could do for a long while was lie on her side and stare at her hand lying beside her phone and go over and over the things she'd said to him, hearing him say I think that would be horrible over and over and over.
What's he doing, this morning? She wondered, and tortured herself with it.
What's wrong with me? What is wrong with me? Stupid brain stupid brain stupid brain, cut all the bad bits out, just scalpel them right out of my brain.
She felt a lit lobotomised, just lying here thinking, not moving, not doing anything. She knew she should get up. There were things to do. Whatever Liz had said about resting for a few days, there were things to do. Zoe didn't move, though. Not till her need to pee forced her out of bed.
The world sitting up was the same shitty world it had been lying down, but Zoe made it to the bathroom and eventually into the shower. She stayed under the water for a long time as the urge to cry again came and went, and her guilt that she wasn't doing something slowly rose, though not enough to make her turn off the water and get out.
The strongest feeling was: I want to see Cai. It didn't matter where or what they'd do, she just wanted to see him. Wanted to sit down beside him with his knee leaning against hers - no, the contact didn't even matter - she just wanted to be in his presence. Screw trying to save the world or study, that was what she wanted to do more than anything.
Yeah well you've fucked that up for yourself, haven't you? she reminded herself, and everything got a whole lot more awful. She only got out of the shower because the thought of someone knocking to see if she was okay was awful. She dried herself slow and she got dressed slow and even though she wanted to crawl back into bed and literally hide under the covers, she knew Liz would come and find her eventually, and if she went downstairs on her own terms maybe that would be better.
Maybe. Zoe honestly didn't know. She pulled on a dark hoodie and slumped down to the kitchen to find out.