Tris (funimmortal) wrote in cotic, @ 2017-07-18 21:19:00 |
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Entry tags: | adam, tris |
Fault
Who: Tris and Adam
Where: Above ground
Who: Adam and Tris
Setting: Up top
Adam spent his time with Kyle, with Riley, but once he was rested he made sure someone was looking after Riley and got to work. It should have been surprising, but he did manage to find a tool box in a shed near one of the rides. It had just about everything he could want, minus a handsaw, but he could make do with what he had. Then he went looking for Tris, setting the tool box in front of him.
“Take that. I need your help.” He nodded away from the restaurant, back towards the monorail.
Tris looked down at the tool box, then up at Adam and raised an eyebrow. “You think I actually know how to use anything in that?” he asked, with a touch of wry amusement. “You could probably find someone more able to help you than me. Seriously.”
Adam chuckled a tiny bit and shook his head. “I don’t actually need your help,” he corrected. “Just want to see you carry it.” He grinned and started walking away backwards. “You coming?”
He rolled his eyes, but Tris stood, collecting the box and following on behind Adam. “Only because I wanna know what you’re up to,” he quipped, which actually wasn’t far from the truth. “You you start naming tools for me to hand you, you’re shit out of luck if you want the right ones.” Tris had never developed those skills. He’d had neither the need, nor the opportunity in his life.
“You don’t know what a screwdriver looks like?” Adam asked, surprised at that. He didn’t know that much, but he knew enough. Between stealing things and his construction time, he was actually pretty handy. How that would translate to fixing the monorail was another beast, but he’d give it his best shot.
“Sure I do - it’s a vodka-orange cocktail. Generally served in a tall, straight glass,” Tris said, enjoying playing dumb - and strictly giving a correct answer, even if it was one designed to gently wind up his former little brother. Unlike Adam, Tris had never held down a real, practical job - but he had spent far too much time in bars and clubs.
Adam rolled his eyes. “That too. Though the glass part never seemed to matter.” He smiled over his shoulder before falling into step with Tris. “So, you wanna talk about what was going on in your head on our walk up here?”
“Depends who you ask,” Tris told him. “Some people claim the shape of the glass affects the flavour. Personally, I think it’s just about the look of the thing.” He hefted the box to his other side as Adam shifted, so that it was no longer between them. “Aside from my life flashing before my eyes? Never thought that I’d be so grateful to a rope and a couple of foot of webbing.”
Adam squinted at Tris, then rubbed his cheek. “Gonna guess you‘d say the vodka matters too huh?” He made another face, eyeing Tris closely before crossing his arms over his chest. “Pretty sure we both know that wasn’t what I was asking about.”
Tris quirked a warm smile. “The vodka always matters,” he agreed with a twinkle in his green-blue eyes. He looked to the side, out over the lake in the distance, trying to pretend for a moment like he really had no idea what Adam was talking about. Only, he did. Looking back, he asked, “You ever think about being the one that gets taken home to meet the parents? Or having a family to take someone home to meet? I’ve never had either and it just kinda… hits sometimes.”
Adam thought about that, chewing on the inside of his cheek while he did. “I mean, I’ve not had a lot of luck with meeting the family or whatever,” he said. “It’s why Ky and I broke up, because his parents hated me. And Jeff’s family were psychopaths, which I didn’t know at the time, but yeah…” He shrugged. “I don’t know if I want to do that again.” There was a tiny plus to Kyle didn’t want to see his parents again if it meant Adam didn’t have to either. “But as for parents to take them home to, sometimes. I don’t remember my parents, but I’ve met a lot of shitty parents. And we’ve had shitty foster parents. Maybe it’s not all that great.”
“Maybe,” Tris agreed, though he didn’t sound entirely convinced. His voice was quiet, his tone missing something. “But, I’d kinda… I dunno. It’s stupid - never mind. You’re probably right. Know more people with fucking shitty families. Better off without that.” He looked away again, out over the lake, reminding himself that even Ethan and Anja had shitty parents, for all that their sibling group was tight and loving.
“Oh man, either you were a better liar when we were young, or I just wanted to believe you more,” Adam said, nudging at Tris’ side, then reaching for the tool box to slow Tris down. “Seriously. Talk to me. What is this? You’d kinda what? Would like to the be the boyfriend that Ethan Sinclair takes home to mom and dad? Or is this about your boyfriend and not Blake’s?”
Tris laughed a little at that. “Admit it - you hero worshipped me,” he joked. “You believed every word I said and thought I had it all made.” He knew what he’d been like though. How he still was. His whole thing was about trying his best not to let his insecurities show. Some people saw through it better than others. Some people just wanted to believe the illusion. Tris didn’t know which he preferred.
Still, his response to Adam’s questions was instant. “This isn’t about Ethan,” he said, dismissing that immediately, instinctively. He swallowed. Laughed a little again, more self-consciously this time. “Anyway, if you wanna try and read it like that, it was Blake’s parents that he was talking about. Not Ethan’s. It’s not even about a person - it’s just… They’ll get that and we won’t.”
“You wanna meet Blake’s parents?” Adam said making a face. He shrugged. “We won’t, but that’s not just us you know? Plus, you’ve got other things to make up for it, if you can’t take Christian back home. You’ve got an actual band of boys who did hero worship you. Not me, obviously, I had more sense.” He smirked at Tris and then shrugged again. “It’s not everything. And even if it is about Ethan, well, I don’t know, because I don’t get it.”
Tris rolled his eyes with a huff. “It’s not about Blake’s parents. It’s not about anyone’s parents, really. It’s about…” Family. Tris’ heart ached for a moment before he quashed it, thrusting that back down with all the other things he couldn’t control about his life. The things he wanted, but could never have. The perfect life he dreamed of that didn’t exist. “It’s not about Ethan,” he repeated and would always repeat. A mantra in his head. It would never be about Ethan, because that was a dead end alley. A waste of time. “What don’t you get?” he asked, still. Damn curiosity.
“It’s about what?” Adam pressed, voice gentle, but firm. He was used to people not saying what they really meant. Kyle did that sometimes, and Jeffrey had always been that way. Though usually he was destructive with it, so Adam was fine with Tris’ caginess. “The appeal of the guy. Kyle was crazy about him and why? He’s just this rich snob. And you, he’s the kind of person we grew up hating. He’s never had a job. Ever.”
“He’s more than that,” Tris said, immediately jumping to Ethan’s defence. “That’s what I thought, at first. I was determined to dislike him, but… Now he’s my best friend. Now I can’t imagine my life without him in it. Sure, he could do with a dose of reality from time to time, but he’s not the guy the press make him out to be. He’s so much more than that. And he could have a job, if he… Somewhere along the line, he bought into the whole shit that people talk about him. About how he’s nothing more than a playboy. A slut who parties and warms a different bed every night. And so he stopped trying to be more than that. You know what it’s like. You know. When people tell you something enough times that you start to believe it. But he’s so much more than that. Which he’s finally starting to learn. He’s starting to believe it himself. ...Since Blake, he’s really started to get it.”
Adam made a face. He really didn’t want to discount a guy, because Tris was right, he knew that feeling, that moment where you just believe everything anyone has ever said about you. “I’d like someone to think I’m nothing but a rich playboy and get away with it,” he said with a bit of a grumble before sighing. “I guess maybe I just don’t know him. He just seems like he should come with a warning label.”
Tris smiled, warmly - a knowing and fond little grin at that. “He does,” he said. “Ethan’ll warn you about him himself. He’s not out to try and fool anyone. He’s not that two faced. He’s pretty straightforward. It’s one of his better attributes. Like it or not, you’ll always know where you stand with him.”
“I don’t need to stand anywhere with him. He’s Kyle’s ex and he’s better looking than I am. Definitely more from that life that Kyle had. So Ethan can stay far away. Like really far away.” Adam wasn’t up for the competition. Not when it came in the shape of someone that made Tris go all soft-faced like that. “You think your guy, Chris, that he cares about that whole family thing?”
“Actually, by all accounts, calling your boyfriend Ethan’s ‘ex’ is pushing it. Talk to Ethan and he’ll tell you that he and Kyle never had anything even approaching a relationship. They just hooked up a few times. First thing that Ethan knew about the idea that they’d ever been ‘together’ is when your boyfriend was screaming at him about breaking his heart. Which is the last thing Ethan had ever wanted, or intended. And he’d thought Kyle and he had been on the same page about that. He was really upset to find out that Kyle had made this whole thing up about them in his head - so I really don’t think you have anything to worry about. Anyway, that aside, Ethan’s made it blatantly clear that Blake is going to be the only relationship he’ll ever have, so he’s firmly off the market.” Possibly, Tris’ tone was a little sharp, but he was unthinkingly protective of Ethan. It took him a moment, when Chris was mentioned, to realign himself to be able to speak about someone else. “Chris… has fallen out with his family. They’re hellishly conservative, so his being gay didn’t go down too well. Him bringing a boyfriend home would never be an option, even if he wanted to.”
“Yeah, well that’s where Ethan fucked up. Kyle doesn’t do casual. It’s like blatantly obvious when you meet him. I knew it from the first five minutes and I was the guy pouring his coffee at a diner,” Adam shot back, tone a touch sharper than he would like, but this was Kyle. He wasn’t about to let someone discount what Kyle had felt. “No one says that and means it. I said that and I got a kid out of my next relationship,” he said with an eyeroll. “So, he doesn’t care about the family thing. Sounds like a match made in heaven.”
“Then Ethan’s naive. But he’s not malicious and he’s not after your guy. He knows he fucked up - I was the one that had to talk him down from doing things to try and make it better that were only ever going to make things worse. He’s not a bad guy, Adam. I like to think I have better taste than that. He just… Really, he cares too much, but he’s been through some fucked up shit and there’s this disconnect with his heart and he’s kinda fucked up. But - aren’t we all?” He sighed, looking up at the sun shining through the dome about them, squinting at the brightness. The light wasn’t the same, down below. He was only just beginning to get used to it again. “Sure - match made in heaven. The guy with no family and the guy who can’t take anyone home. Well - nobody he’d want to, at least.”
“We are,” Adam agreed, running a hand over his face. “He just sort of sets off alarm bells in my head,” he admitted. He had no idea why, though he had a feeling it was a general fear of charismatic people that might be with him for the rest of his life. “Look, I get it. Fucked up friends. I win that award. Just be careful okay? Guard your heart.” He looked down as Tris looked up, more concerned with that than the sun. He wasn’t big on freedom. It made him feel vulnerable. “Maybe they’ll come around. Or he won’t care and bring you anyway.”
“Guard my heart?” Tris asked with a laugh as a puzzled face. He didn’t understand why Adam would say something like that. “I don’t have anything to worry about with Ethan - it’s not like that. He’s just… we’re friends. That’s all. No matter what anyone says.” And he was proud to be Ethan’s friend. Nothing was ever going to be able to take that away. It felt like the stable centre of his life these days and the knowledge of that made him happy, warm and content. His friendship with Ethan in a weird way made him feel the way he’d always wanted to feel about his relationship with Chris. Easy - like he just had to reach out and it was there. Effortless. That was what he was working toward. That effortless feeling, instead of anyways worrying where the next issue would come from. “I’m not sure I could meet Christian’s parents without giving someone a black eye - and I’m not a fighter. Or maybe I’d just turn up in drag. Y’know. Really piss them off.”
“Friends can be just as dangerous as relationships,” Adam said softly, voice speaking from experience. Jeffrey had broken his heart almost as much as Kyle had. “Just be cautious. I don’t want to see you get hurt.” He laughed though, shrugging a shoulder. “Depends on how convincible a woman you are. They might be thrilled he brought home a girl even if she has on too much makeup.”
Tris considered that, though he could never view Ethan as any kind of danger to him. Not Ethan. “Now I think it's your turn to talk,” he said, softly, as unwilling to push things as Adam has been.
Adam’s chuckle was dark. “‘Bout which part. You know the gory stuff, right? How I got Riley? How my best friend framed me for murder?” He sighed and shook his head. “It’s not a good story.”
Tris knew that much, at least. There had to be more than that simple summary, but if Adam didn’t want to tell it, that was his look out. “You think I’m at risk of Ethan doing something like that to me?” he asked, lightly.
Adam shook his head. “No, he doesn’t have the stomach for it. But Jeff…” He trailed off thinking of his best friend, of everything between them and it ached. Still, he didn’t want to throw warnings out there and not say anything to back it up. “He was so great, because he noticed me. Then….he was horribly unpredictable. Just up and down and back and forth and his moods could change on a whim. He used to get angry, not at me, but at anyone else, violent almost. But he was all I had. And one day, he wasn’t.”
Tris inhaled, the breath audible, nostrils flaring. He clapped a hand on Adam’s shoulder, then pulled him in for a hug, side on, but all the same. “You’ll always have me,” he promised. “I know - that can never change the past.” They’d been kids when they knew each other, brothers for such a short amount of time. Both moved on to be lost in the system with no way of keeping on contact. That had just been how it was. “But in the future - no matter where we go, or what we do. Nobody is ever going to be ‘all you have’, ever again.”
Adam half tumbled into the hug, flinching at the contact, but not pushing it away. He really needed to get used to people that weren’t Kyle and Riley touching him. Or maybe just people touching him when he wasn’t in control of the situation. He nodded, looking at this feet. “I know. I mean, not with Riley and Ky, but yeah, good. It sucks.”
“I’m still gonna teach that kid to play piano,” Tris said, taking the opportunity to turn the conversation to something more positive. “When you gonna bring him round?” he asked, then hesitated. Shit - his piano was still at his place, but he wasn’t living there anymore, was he? He really was gonna have to move all his stuff over to Chris’. Fuck.
“Definitely. Just be patient with him. He has the attention span of a squirrel unless it's about dinosaurs right now.” Adam smiled, unable to help himself. He really did love the kid. “When we get back down? I can swing him by your place after school, but before you go to work.”
Tris shrugged. “So - I should start out the session by playing him the theme from Jurassic World then?” he suggested. He was fairly sure he could work that one out. He had a knack for that kind of thing. “But - we might have to actually put it off for a day or so. I said I’d move to Christian’s so I’m gonna need some time to get things sorted. Plus, check he’s okay with a kid taking over the house for a while.”
Adam’s eyes went a little wide at that. “You’re moving in?” he asked a touch surprised. “You need help getting your stuff over there?” Because he was the kind of the guy who would still help a friend move.
“Apparently so,” Tris said, still having to get used to the idea. It wasn’t like he was doing it against his will - it had been his idea, after all. He just… wasn’t sure how to deal with it. He’d lived with people in the past, but that had generally been his intent - because he’d needed housing of some description. This was different. This was Chris. This wasn’t because he needed somewhere to stay. There weren’t any other ulterior motives. This was just, well, two guys living together because they wanted to wake up together in the morning and go to sleep together at night. There was so much more to this. “But - hell yeah. I’d love help moving my shit.”
“You don’t sound convinced,” Adam said with a laugh. “Though, really, I didn’t know Ky was moving in until I found out he gave his place to Riven to be a gallery or something. I guess he’s just...well he’s there now. I think. I don’t know. We’re still going slow.” Adam was fine with that, not pushing, but he still wasn’t completely sure where he stood all the time. “Obviously. That’s what friends are for and such.”
“It was a bit of a spur of the moment thing,” Tris admitted with a self-conscious laugh, running a hand through his hair. “We kinda… had an argument. Or, not quite, but it was getting that way. Chris has these moments where he thinks I’m not committed enough - so I said I’d move in. If that’s not committed enough, then I don’t know what is.” He looked over at Adam. “Looks like we both kinda ended up in the same place. You okay with just going along with what he wants?” he checked.
“He doesn’t think you’re committed?” Adam thought that was curious, but then, he’d worried about Tris’ commitment himself. “It’s pretty committed. It’s also convenient. Just be sure you’re doing it for the right reason.” He chuckled himself and nodded. “Though I did move Ky in after his pod got vandalized. He just decided to stay. And I am. I mean, I want more, obviously, who wouldn’t, but I can go slow if it makes him feel safe.”
“I want him to be happy, that's my reason. I don't want him to worry about things - and when the things he's worrying about aren't real, I can't do anything about them directly. So, hopefully this will work,” Tris said. He had the passing thought how it was interesting - that he and Adam had both ended up being the ones trying to accommodate their boyfriends and keep them happy, not asking for overly much in return.
“I’m sure it will,” Adam said with a smile. “All else fails, at least he knows where you’re supposed to be at night.” Though Adam doubted that Tris was that kind of guy. “What kind of stuff is he worrying about that’s not real?”
Tris rolled his eyes. “He's convinced I'm gonna leave him for someone else. Currently Ethan, though he's not always that specific.”
Adam nodded. “I get that feeling. Been there. Both with Jeff and Ky.” He shrugged. “Don’t you ever feel that way? Surprised to be wanted? I know I do. I sort of thought that was an orphan thing.”
Tris hesitated. He felt uncomfortable, talking about some things. “Yeah, kind of,” he said, slowly. “But it's more like...I'm waiting for him to realise I'm not worth it. Everyone leaves - that's just a fact of life. Nothing lasts forever.”
Adam nodded. “I know that one too,” he said. “But you can’t live like that. Not that I’m doing much better, but...if you’re just waiting for him to go isn’t that the same as pushing him away?” He bumped his shoulder against Tris’, smiling at him. “Also you’re totally worth it.”
“Don't know any other way to live,” Tris said, rolling his eyes at Adam’s last comment. “Even though I know he's crazy about me. I've never had anything that lasted. Don't get me wrong, I'm going to try. I've not… I'm an idiot. Even though my life has been one long failure after another. Even though it's just shown me time and again that nothing lasts - I still want each time to be different, y'know?”
“We all do, but look, you can’t just assume the worst every time. You’ll miss the good stuff.” Adam shrugged. “Or so the shrink they made me see said. She seemed to think that jail and witness protection were going to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I mean, it sucks when they leave, but the good times, aren’t those worth it? Why not try and stretch those moments out rather than wait for them to end? Odds are Ky’s gonna break my heart again, but I’m not letting go until that moment. It’s stupid, but I’d rather be in love than alone. It’s my chance. Even if it’s the only one I get...I can say I did?”
“So I need to give Kyle the big brother talk?” Tris asked, a hint of amusement in his tone. “Warn him about the consequences of breaking your heart. Again.” Of course, there was a part of Tris that would love to do just that. To have a legitimate excuse to have words with the guy who'd in the past hurt both Adam and Ethan.
“No. You’re not listening to me, you’re just seeing an excuse to puff your chest out. Don’t push him away, Tris. If he’s crazy about you, hold on to that.” Adam rolled his eyes. “Kyle doesn’t need to hear it. Honest. We’re fine.”
Tris stopped walking and turned to him. “I’m hearing you just fine - you’re just not telling me anything I don’t already know. Fuck, Adam - you’ve been in therapy. You have to know there’s a huge fucking difference between what you know you should do and how you actually react, or deal, or what the fuck ever. I know I should hold onto Chris - I am holding onto Chris. I’m moving the hell in, I’m holding on so hard. I just...Would like people to stop giving me a hard time over shit.” He shook his head and looked away, out over the lake. “This is why I don’t tell people shit,” he muttered, almost inaudibly.
Adam sighed and shrugged. “A few months of court ordered therapy isn’t really enough. Or what I need. I spent most of it not talking and trying not to cry.” He sighed again and put his hand on Tris’ arm. “I just want you to be happy. I’m not giving you shit, do what you gotta do. Just don’t lose someone who adores you because you don’t like yourself. And this is therapy bullshit, but apparently all that crap that happened to us? Not being wanted, being hurt, being told we weren’t good enough? Apparently that’s all bullshit.” Adam was still struggling to see that himself, but that was repeated at him so many times, he couldn’t get it out of his head.
“I like myself just fine,” Tris said, defensively, his face closing off for a moment. He took a couple of deep breaths and looked back at Adam. “It’s bullshit according to someone who never had to live through it - right? Someone who grew up with a home, and a family, and knowing that they’d still be in the same school next semester. Who probably goes home at Thanksgiving and bitches about having to sleep in the same bed they had as a kid, or that their parents redecorated when they left for college.” Tris knew he didn’t have to compare it to the kinds of things that he’d experienced as a child. Adam had been through the same kinds of things. The same kind of crap that nobody really wanted to revisit by talking about it. The kinds of things kids shouldn’t need to go through. And the worst thing was that Tris knew his life hadn’t even been as bad as it got. It could have been a whole lot worse. Still, apparently it could be dismissed by some shrink with a couch as just ‘bullshit’ that they shouldn’t have internalised. That thought just made him angry. That some suit somewhere could dismiss what they’d been through. Another ‘fuck you’ from the system - telling Adam to basically just ‘get over it’. How fucking dare they.
“You and I both know that’s not what I meant,” Adam said before shrugging. “I guess yeah. I never asked her about herself.” He ran his hand through his hair and sighed. “I guess it’s a nice idea. That it wasn’t true. That I’m not some sort of unwanted freak. That the only person who would want me is a psychotic crazy person who needed a minion.” He tugged at the ends of his hair, figuring Tris was probably right. It was bullshit from someone who didn’t know. “It’s a nice thought to be wanted. To be crazy about someone who is crazy about you back. Right? That’s how it is for you too, I’m sure. It almost feels real.”
“Oh, fuck it, Adam - that’s not what I meant,” Tris said, pulling Adam’s hands from his hair and holding them in his. “You’re not a freak. You’ve never been a freak - not even when you were a gangly tween. I didn’t mean us. I meant that that stupid bitch shouldn’t have just...dismissed everything you went through. We went through. Like she thought that you should fucking know better. Like ‘hey, I get that you were constantly and consistently told and shown that nobody wanted you, but surprise! That wasn’t actually the case at all and despite all evidence to the contrary you just need believe me and get the fuck over your entire life experience!’.” Tris put on a squeaky falsetto, his tone still dripping with disdain as he put words into the mouth of the therapist. “It’s not bullshit. It was our life. We weren’t wanted. We were hurt. To pretend otherwise is like saying… Like, like…” Trist rooted around in his head for a good analogy. “I don’t even fucking know,” he exclaimed, giving up on even trying.
Adam shook his head. “It’s not that it wasn’t the case or not...I mean it’s not our fault. My fault. Your fault. We were kids. We were vulnerable.” He sighed and let his hands drop from Tris’. “Maybe I want too much. For it to all be a lie. To be something that could happen to anyone. Not just me.”
“It can happen to anyone,” Tris told him, firmly. “Nothing we did - we didn’t deserve to be in the system. The way it’s all structured - it’s bullshit.”
“So haven’t we earned being happy? With people that love us?” Adam asked, raising an eyebrow and looking at Tris. “Even you. You earned it.”
“Be nice, wouldn’t it,” Tris agreed, not rising to the bait. “So - you gonna fix this train or not?” he asked.
“Determined to shoot yourself in the foot aren’t you?” Adam rolled his eyes. “Maybe I should just talk to Chris instead. Tell him to keep loving you even though you’re a hard-headed moron.” He nodded. “Yeah, let’s see what I can do.”