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Tweak says, "I want to be Mr. Pond."

Stefan Salvatore (moreblood) wrote in colligo_threads,
@ 2012-09-03 09:33:00

Entry tags:

elena gilbert, stefan salvatore

Who: Elena and Stefan
What: Walking and Coffee
Where: In town
When: Backdated to Saturday
Rating: PG?
Status: Incomplete

Stefan walked to Elena's slower than usual. There were times when he wanted to turn back, but he kept going. Going on like this wasn't good for either of them. They didn't have definition. He wasn't sure that Elena knew what they were either and it was driving him crazy. Maybe she was feeling the same thing. It was time to get through this, even if they walked away as friends.

Stefan was having a hard time deciding what he wanted. He had hurt Elena badly, and he knew it. While he loved her, he couldn't keep hurting her. She couldn't forget what he had done, and he wasn't sure if she could truly forgive him. That wasn't healthy in a relationship. Maybe she could find someone that didn't have such baggage, hadn't tried to drive her off a bridge for his own breed of vengeance. What had he been thinking that night? He knew that was the catalyst of what they were now, and he couldn't blame her. Even if it wasn't that situation, there were many others that just compounded.

He knocked at her door as he had many times in the last months, but he felt the weight on his chest. He would do what was best for her, even if it meant letting go.

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doppelgangs
2012-09-06 06:26 pm UTC (link)

"Yeah tell me about it. I don't know what she is, but she scares me. It's probably best you don't though, I mean if she can do that to Damon.." she didn't want to think of what else that woman could do to Stefan. "You know me, I'm always okay." Except for when she wasn't.

Elena nodded a little, "I know you will." She did seem to be avoiding it. And she did wonder if he'd just gotten frustrated and decided to avoid her all together. She'd seen him flirting with that blond girl.

"I'm sorry that I went and made it all awkward. You don't have to say anything." No one should be forced to say things. Once her shoes were tied, she lead the way out of her room and back out so that they could take a walk. "I've just been feeling way too sorry for myself and acting like an idiot. You just shouldn't have to wait for me."

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moreblood
2012-09-07 06:38 am UTC (link)

"No, that isn't it, not at all," Stefan said in the soft, gentle voice he used with her most of the time. "I know you weren't planning on this and you have every right to be shocked and confused by all of it. I never expected us to just fall back in place after all of that." He reached down and took her hand, threading fingers through it as they walked.

"If it was just that, I could wait for you for years. I'm crazy about you. Even when I was not myself, I still loved you. I just couldn't face what I had become and that was my fault." He took most of the blame himself. He knew he had deserved that.

He sighed, looking up at the trees. "It's us. Even before you were a vampire, you weren't sure. I feel this abyss between us, and I don't know what to do. It was when you mentioned Elijah as the first thought, that I knew we might not be able to make it back. We both were too idealistic. I thought I had kicked my own issues for good, but I was wrong. I thought I could protect you, but I was wrong. I feel like we are stuck. We can't move forward, or backward, and I want what will make you happy. That might not be me." It was killing him to say those things to her, but he was fairly certain that she felt it too. He would be very surprised if she didn't agree with him.

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doppelgangs
2012-09-08 02:20 am UTC (link)

Not minding that he had a hold of her hand, she put her fingers through his and nodded. "I know why you pushed me away. I get it. I didn't like it, I still don't like it, but I get it. You really don't have to keep apologizing. That's in the past. We can't change it. We just have to move forward." Except that was where they seemed to be having problems with each other.

Elena listened, not saying anything for a while. How hard was it to admit any of this? She didn't really want to. But she supposed that she had to. "I only want you to be happy too. Even if it's not with me," she started. "My own issues are.. just that. And it's barely got anything to do with being a vampire. You really shouldn't have to keep putting up with me and my inability to make a decision. God.. first it's you and Damon. And now I can't even look at Damon because he's with Caroline and it's just too weird."

She made a face, and continued. "And now it's you and Elijah. I mean I like him, I don't know how much. But just the fact that I keep finding myself liking more than one person.. it just makes me feel like an awful person. You can say it doesn't make me one, but it's true. It makes me feel awful about myself. That's why I keep trying to just be by myself. But if I do that, then I lose everyone, and it's definitely not fair to either one of you."

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moreblood
2012-09-08 04:46 am UTC (link)

"That's it," he confirmed, squeezing his hand. "I wish I was the one who could make you happy, but I'm not. If I did, you wouldn't be thinking about anyone else. When you do find that one person, you will know, and that will be it. There will be no liking more than one. You deserve that."

Stefan wasn't happy with this, but in the end, it would hurt more when her one did arrive. "Don't be with me because you think you should. I want someone who is absolutely sure they want to be with me, and you deserve that too." He couldn't look at Elena as he spoke. It hurt too much to look her in the eyes and do what he needed to do.

"I don't want you to feel bad. You are amazing. We'll always be friends." How he hated that word. Friends was a curse word in relationships.

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doppelgangs
2012-09-08 06:13 am UTC (link)

"You do make me happy. It's not you. See, that's where I'm just not sure that you're right. That one person. It sounds ridiculous." Elena didn't deserve anything. She deserved to be alone, because she wanted her cake and eat it too. That was her problem. She just felt like such a .. she didn't even know the word.

She frowned at him, "I'm sorry. You're right. You need someone who's absolutely sure, and I'm not. I don't know why I'm not. I'm telling you. It's more me than you just not being the right one. I'm broke, Stefan. I don't know how to fix it." Especially not here, in this stupid place where people came and went all the time. What was the point in trying to cling to anyone? "The moment I make any kind of decision, you'd just disappear anyway. That's how it always is around here."

Elena was going to feel bad no matter what. "That's a crappy word. I mean yeah.. we will, but that's just. Not what I want. I might not know what I want, but I do know what I don't want. You know?" This whole thing was frustrating.

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moreblood
2012-09-09 06:11 pm UTC (link)

"I might make you happy, but I'm not that one for you. It's okay to say it. You and I were great, but if we stuck with the first person we said we loved, then I would have stayed with Katherine, and you might be with Matt. There would be no divorce, and we would live in some fairy tale. That isn't how it works." He smiled a little, but he still didn't let go of her hand, preserving those last few moments before it was official.

"You don't have to be sure every minute. You have choices, and you have questions, but if you don't feel it, you can't force it to come back. There are things that happened that we can't take back, even if we want to. We live with that. I just know that we can't be together with so many questions, and I want you to have all the options, even if you don't choose me. That doesn't mean you are broken." He brought her hand to his lips and kissed it. He wanted to let go, but he couldn't quite do it. His eyes closed and he held it against his cheek for a minute. The emotions were there, bubbling inside of him, taking over.

"I wish it was different. You don't know how many things I would love to do over again." The sentence was quiet, and the next was quieter. "I wanted to be immortal with you."

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doppelgangs
2012-09-09 09:13 pm UTC (link)

That was the thing, she couldn't say it. Not at all. "I know, but I can't just.. I love you, Stefan. I'll always love you. I'll always be in love with you. The thought of you with someone else makes me want to throw up." And she didn't know if she could just get over that, even if she was having weird feelings for Elijah. She frowned, while he smiled and shook her head. He was acting like that was it, when maybe it was.

He said all those things, but she just didn't know. Elena felt broken. And confused and she just felt bad about herself. She didn't want to be an indecisive pain in the ass but she figured that if she couldn't decide then there was something definitely wrong. "You're wrong.. I am. I just need to be alone for a couple hundred years," she said with a sigh. That was what she deserved for dragging people along.

Her lips pursed up a bit when he said that. "It's weird that we can finally do that, and I'm a selfish idiot. I'm sorry." She wasn't ever going to stop blaming herself.

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moreblood
2012-09-11 07:11 pm UTC (link)

He looked down, taking the shots that she gave him. She loved him, and he believed that, but sometimes that wasn't enough. There was his brother and now Elijah. "I believe you love me, but you have - other feelings." He could feel his anger boiling up. Biting his lip, he took a breath. "I can't blame you for Damon. I practically put you together. Now there's Elijah, and you told me you don't know how you feel about him, and do you know how much that hurts?"

He took a few steps away, letting go of her hand. He turned his back, crossing arms over his chest. He wanted to make the right choices, to be there for her, even if it came to denying his own feelings. He rarely gave himself any consideration, looking out for everyone else first. "I want you to be happy, and maybe down the road, we can be us again. We have eternity."

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doppelgangs
2012-09-12 12:35 am UTC (link)

Elena frowned, looking down at her feet. Perhaps she didn't quite know how it felt, but this why she felt so bad about herself. That's why she was seriously in a deep self-loathing phase. It wasn't going to go away any time soon. "I'm sorry. I really didn't mean for any of this." If only he hadn't pushed her away. Not that she was blaming him, just that if he hadn't and they hadn't broken up, she wouldn't have ever looked at Damon or Elijah. The whole thing was just awful.

Letting go of his hand, she slid her hands into her jacket pockets and tried to tell herself not to cry. Crying wasn't going to solve anything. "Maybe. You should be happy too. Find someone who loves you and only you. I won't hold you back anymore." She wasn't sure that getting coffee was the best thing that they could do at the moment. "I should probably um.. go. Back home." Because really, she just wanted to crawl up into a ball and cry for a very long time.

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moreblood
2012-09-12 05:10 am UTC (link)

"It's not your fault. I let you go." He wasn't entirely sure that was it in Elijah's case. She had been so committed to him at home. She had told him over and over that she wasn't giving up. He didn't really understand what was going on now himself, but it was tearing him apart.

"You know that I am always going to love you," he said, turning around. He brushed a tear out of his eye. He rarely got that emotional, but this meant a lot to him, more than anything in the last hundred years. "I wish it was different. I want you to tell me that it is only me, but you can't, and if we stay, it will end badly."

"I'll walk you home." He felt emotionally drained. Being a vampire only intensified it.

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doppelgangs
2012-09-12 06:02 am UTC (link)

What had happened was that she had turned into a vampire and was forced to do so against her will. Elijah just happened to be the only one that ever made her feel any better. Not that Stefan hadn't exactly, but it was different with Elijah. "It is my fault, Stefan. It is so my fault. It's either both of our faults that it got out of hand or none of our faults. This place is just.. I don't know."

She looked up at him, still frowning and trying not to cry herself. " I know, and I'm always going to love you, too. I just need time to straighten my head out and I keep being pulled in all these directions.. Sorry, I don't mean to give excuses. I don't have any excuses. I just need time. I don't know how much time."

Elena nodded a bit. "Okay, though you don't have to. I can.. look out for myself now."

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moreblood
2012-09-13 05:09 am UTC (link)

He could agree that it was her fault. The angry part of him wanted to agree, to tell her that she didn't see Elijah for his faults, the same way she hadn't seen his own. He kept those thoughts to himself. He was trying to take the high ground, and he certainly didn't want to fight. "It's my fault for pushing you away." Even if his addiction was talking louder than he was, he had been out of control.

"You let your head be pulled, but you can make your own choices." He had told her that when they were together. He wasn't going to deny it now. It was important for her, especially when it came to the vampires in her life.

"I will walk you home." It wasn't really a choice. Chivalry wasn't quite dead. "We are friends and I want to."

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doppelgangs
2012-09-13 09:18 pm UTC (link)

It was definitely her fault. Elena took the responsibility. Things had just happened, as much as she wished they hadn't. Maybe she was a bit naive, and that was probably as good a reason as any to just avoid both of them and choose neither one. She really didn't want to fight either. It wouldn't help anything, and she was already as upset enough as it was. "It's both our faults," she protested with a sigh.

Sometimes no choice was better than a choice. She still felt like she didn't deserve either one. Caroline always told her that she should settle with a nice human guy, but she couldn't anymore. Not now. She wouldn't do to someone else what had been done to her. It wasn't fair. "My choice is to be by myself." And that was that.

Elena just nodded her head and went quiet as they walked back to the apartments and he could drop her off.

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moreblood
2012-09-16 06:55 pm UTC (link)

Stefan was quiet as they started to walk back. He felt bad, guilty, angry at himself, and quite a few more things he couldn't name. As they neared the building, he took her hand again, not wanting to say goodbye. He sighed, trying to prepare himself for what he was going to say.

"I think that it's a good idea, just until you get your bearings as a vampire. Control is hard." That really wasn't all of it. "You know that if you need me, I'll be there." That wasn't it either.

After another deep breath, he finally continued. "When I was talking, I wanted you to stop me. I was always hoping that you would say no, this is all wrong, and that you love me. It's okay that you didn't. It kind of validates the need to split in the first place. I think you know that it's needed as much as I do." He touched her cheek with his other hand, wondering how long it would be before he got to do that again. They had an eternity.

He let go of her hand, taking a step back. "I'm not going to say goodbye. Just be happy. You deserve that."

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doppelgangs
2012-09-17 06:21 am UTC (link)

"I know, control is really hard. I fight with that more than I fight with anyone else." This whole relationship thing was a backseat to trying to make sure that she didn't rip someone's face off and eat it. Elena nodded a little. "And I know that too, Stefan. I promise that if I need you, I'll call you." Though maybe that wasn't such a good idea anymore.

She pursed her lips and frowned. "I wanted to. I do. I just.. I feel so bad about myself, I can't think about anything else right now." She just hoped that maybe one day she'd be okay with everything. Honestly she had no idea where to go from here at all. "You're right though. We just need to figure things out. And we can't do that like this." Whatever this was between them. When he put his hand on her cheek, she put her hand on top of his and shut her eyes for a moment.

After he stepped back, Elena nodded. "I don't, but thanks anyway. I'll see you around sometime maybe, Stefan." She waved and disappeared back into the building.

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