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Ianto Jones (notjusta_teaboy) wrote in colligo_threads,
@ 2012-05-17 19:54:00

Entry tags:

ianto jones, rose tyler, the doctor (11)

Who: Ianto, Rose, and the Doctor
What: After re-aging, Ianto feels fresh guilt over what happened at Torchwood One. The Doctor and Rose come to talk to him.
Where: A random cafe somewhere in Colligo, off the beaten path
When: After this
Rating: PG? Warnings for angsty-ness
Status: In-progress

He sat at a table half-hidden in the corner of the anonymous cafe, head buried in his hands, a glass of water collecting condensation at his elbow. He didn't know why he was here, or even where here was, really, just that, after he'd returned to his proper age, it was more than he could stand to be in the same house with Rose. To be in a house at all. His aimless wandering had led him here, and he had tried to start making amends, although to his mind nothing he said and nothing he did would ever be enough to make up for what had happened. What they had done, what he had been a party to, even though no one else seemed to understand that. What he was the only one left who could atone for.

His efforts to apologise had been useless so far, and so had his efforts to explain. Maybe here, now, with the memories and feelings more fresh, he would be able to do a better job. They had said they were coming to talk to him, Rose and the Doctor, although he couldn't understand why they even wanted to see him. Maybe this time would be enough.

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notjusta_teaboy
2012-05-21 04:22 am UTC (link)

He was the only customer currently in the cafe, and looked up at the sound of the door opening. They were here, the Doctor and Rose. He was hoping they might give him some feeling of resolution, but he was dreading this at the same time. But still, he owed them anything. Everything. Nothing would be enough, in his opinion.

He lifted his head as they approached his table, still avoiding eye contact. "Hello. Would you like anything? I'll pay." He was the reason they were here, after all. It was the least he could do.

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blaidd_drwg_
2012-05-21 09:29 am UTC (link)

"Surviving," Rose answered as she responded to the Doctor's hug. Pulling away, she gave hm a slight smile. "Best I can do."

She was bored, really. Extremely bored. She had been here three years and she wouldn't mind getting something to do. She did blame the Doctor for that but even before he had shown her things far more exciting than this she was bored with life. When they walked in and saw Ianto, she smiled just as the Doctor did then sat opposite Ianto.

"No I'm fine, thanks." She really just wanted to get the conversation started, but she didn't know about the Doctor.

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amadmanwithabox
2012-05-21 04:27 pm UTC (link)

"Oh, come now," he told Rose with a small smile. "You can do so much better than that. You're brilliant, Rose Tyler. You can do anything." It bothered him that Rose thought the best she could do was surviving. He'd have to spend more time with her, and show her that really wasn't the case.

When Ianto asked if they'd like anything, he wondered if this was one of those human things where someone asked, but there was this understanding that you really ought to say no. He'd never understood why someone would ask something if the other person was supposed to say no. Amy had tried to explain it once, but he'd gotten distracted midway through. And anyway, he really did want tea.

"Tea?" he asked. "I mean...if that's all right. I could really use some tea."

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notjusta_teaboy
2012-05-21 10:14 pm UTC (link)

"Of course it's all right." He knew it could help to have something to hold onto during a conversation. Then again, maybe the Doctor just wanted some tea. Nothing wrong with that; not everyone was a coffee person.

He went over to counter and returned a few moments later with a steaming mug, which he set in front of the Doctor.

"So," he said, taking seat again. "I am sorry. For everything. I know that doesn't change what happen, but..." He trailed off, not knowing what else to say. The conversation never went past this point; usually people just told him not to be sorry.

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blaidd_drwg_
2012-05-21 11:38 pm UTC (link)

She really couldn’t do anything here since things were so dull. There weren’t many places to go that didn’t become boring after all and she didn’t like being stuck here anymore than most people brought to Colligo did. She wanted out with more adventure and more things to do. People to look after. But she chose to not answer the Doctor’s comment given she wasn’t sure he’d like what she said. How she just wanted out of here now and as much as she would like to get to know this version she missed the old one.

“I have told you already Ianto you have nothing to apologise for.”

{OOC Sorry for the crappiness]

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amadmanwithabox
2012-05-22 02:04 am UTC (link)

The Doctor was glad when Ianto returned with the cup of tea, because it gave him something to do with his hands. He had, of course, actually wanted the tea for drinking, but it was also good to have something to occupy his hands so that he didn't find himself pulling out the Rubik's cube and start fiddling with it. Apparently that was considered rude to play with distracting objects while having serious conversations. As if he couldn't focus on both things at once without trouble. Honestly, humans were so confusing sometimes. He took a sip of the tea, frowned, and added some sugar from one of the little packets on the table. Then he shredded up the packet into tiny pieces and fiddled with them and...right. Bad. He took another sip of the tea.

And that was about the time Ianto started apologising. The Doctor had hoped it wouldn't come to this. "Ianto," he said calmly, "what happened wasn't your fault. Ms. Hartman was a very...driven woman. People tried to talk sense into her, but she wouldn't listen to reason. What happened was the result of her single-mindedness and two very not good races of aliens. It wasn't your fault. And I'm very sorry you were caught up in what happened there."

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	notjusta_teaboy 2012-05-22 03:17 am UTC (link)
	He could see they were uncomfortable, or at least the Doctor was. And he hated himself for doing this to them, but they had offered to come talk. Aaaaaand there it was. He visibly slumped at their words. "There's no one left to be sorry. It has to be me." Why did no one understand that? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

blaidd_drwg_
2012-05-22 10:08 pm UTC (link)

She was a bit distracted by what the Doctor was doing but when he started to rip up the packet she got tempted to nudge him. Luckily, he seemed to realise pretty quickly that it wasn't exactly the right time for that sort of thing. Ianto was the priority tight now. Of course, the Doctor explained her thoughts far better than she did. It didn't surprise her so much anymore given it was one of his many talents.

"No it doesn't. You are as much of a victim as the rest of us who were caught up in it."

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amadmanwithabox
2012-05-23 05:01 am UTC (link)

The Doctor sighed. Ianto had such a big heart, but he felt like the young man took too much on himself. No human should carry that much guilt and responsibility. Of course he would want to apologise simply because there was no one else to do so, but the Doctor couldn't accept it when Ianto bore none of the responsibility.

"It isn't your job to take responsibility for what other people did, Ianto," he said gently. "It isn't. You're only responsible for your own choices and actions. Nothing else. You didn't cause what happened that day, and like Rose said...you were as much a victim as anyone. And...anyway, from what I've seen you've done your best to help make sure that Torchwood is very different from what it used to be. It's very...noble of you."

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notjusta_teaboy
2012-05-24 09:25 pm UTC (link)

"Fine, how about responsibility for the choices and actions I did make, or the ones I didn't? I was there, I knew what they were doing, and I didn't do anything and I didn't say anything, not just that situation but everything Torchwood was doing and you can say it wouldn't have mattered and you can say it wouldn't have changed anything, but the truth is that we'll never know because I didn't even try!" His tone got increasingly upset and agitated as he went on, even though he kept his voice quiet.

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blaidd_drwg_
2012-05-24 11:43 pm UTC (link)

If Rose was completely honest she would admit to being a little pleased deep down to be sitting next to the Doctor doing something like this again. It wasn’t an overwhelming thought, just one that was sitting there in the back of her mind. And it did make her feel guilty because it wasn’t about that. This conversation was about dealing with Ianto’s problems not her own selfish ones. So she looked to Ianto again and the more upset he look the more her heart went out to him. Reaching out, she placed a hand gently over his.

“You couldn’t have known what would happen. No one did until it happened. You were doing you job and stayed loyal, that counts for something.” Especially given just who he had to be loyal to. “That day will always be one of the most awful days for me as well as every person linked directly or indirectly with Torchwood One and not once will you be to blame. If you had disagreed or tried to stop her you would have been removed straight away, she was that determined. And then where would Torchwood Three be? You helped build Torchwood into something better.”

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amadmanwithabox
2012-05-29 08:00 am UTC (link)

The Doctor was getting frustrated, not so much with Ianto himself as with the way that he had somehow been led to believe he was responsible for so much. None of the lower-level workers at Torchwood One could have possibly known what was happening, not until it was far too late to stop the inevitable. He blamed himself every day for not managing to save more people, for not managing to save Rose, but he never blamed himself for causing it. And Ianto shouldn't either.

"Stop," he said firmly. "Would you just stop? Please? It was not your fault, Ianto! You were a researcher! You weren't in charge of the place. You weren't one of the ones making decisions. What happened wasn't your fault. And I can't forgive you for something that isn't your fault." He sighed. "And I can't forgive you for what you want to be forgiven for either. Because you don't feel guilty that you didn't stop it." He knew what Ianto was feeling all too well. "You feel guilty that you survived and they didn't."

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notjusta_teaboy
2012-05-31 06:46 pm UTC (link)

He let Rose take his hand. It was a small source of comfort, for her as well as for him. But he was starting to get frustrated as well, with their inability to understand, although that was as much on him and his inability to properly explain as it was on them.

"No! No, no, no! I won't just stop, because stopping isn't going to fix anything or make anything better or change how I'm feeling. Yes, of course I feel guilty that I lived and so many other people died." He looks at the Doctor, not quite glaring, but clearly angered. "But I don't appreciate you telling me how I feel or about what or why. I know my own mind quite well."

He took a deep breath, but it did little to ease the irritation that he was having trouble keeping out of his voice. "You don't understand. I don't care what Yvonne would have done to me, or that it wouldn't have made any difference in what happened. The fact remains that I did nothing. Nothing. I knew what was happening, I knew that I felt wrong about it, and I held my tongue. I was a coward; I betrayed myself and my convictions and everything I believe in."

He looked back and forth between the Doctor and Rose, hoping one more fact would help him get his point across. "It wasn't just Canary Wharf, you know. Torchwood captured and confiscated countless aliens and alien artefacts, and did god-knows-what with them, except I do. I was complicit in that as well, even though I hated it and it disgusted me." He looked directly at the Doctor. "If you had been captured that day, I would have let Yvonne do whatever she wanted to you and never even said a word. How do I live with that?"

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blaidd_drwg_
2012-06-02 06:55 pm UTC (link)

"And feeling guilty wont change things either. Believe me, I know."

There were so many things she felt guilty of but didn't exactly have the chance to go back and change it. Sometimes trauma was just what you had to live with and she had come to accept it. Welcome it sometimes too if she was guilty over something very important. She pulled her hand away from Ianto's, getting just as frustrated now. She just wanted him to realise he done nothing wrong and had nothing to do with that day?

"There's no point in thinking about what ifs, such as the Doctor being caught. For one thing you wouldn't have had him for long enough for anything to happen." She would never let him get into trouble like that. She would have given everything she had to get the Doctor back. "Ianto it's done. It's in the past and there's nothing you can do to alter what happened. Just accept that you weren't to blame. You didn't have a position where your opinion would have been listened to. You more than likely would have been given a warning or maybe even dismissed. You wouldn't have been able to stop her."

{OOC Sorry this is crap, wanted to get it done before I fell asleep which I'm doing right now. Any trouble with typos/sentences not making sense, let me know and I'll edit. And sorry about that fail of coding.}

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