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Ianto Jones (notjusta_teaboy) wrote in colligo_threads,
@ 2012-05-17 19:54:00

Entry tags:

ianto jones, rose tyler, the doctor (11)

Who: Ianto, Rose, and the Doctor
What: After re-aging, Ianto feels fresh guilt over what happened at Torchwood One. The Doctor and Rose come to talk to him.
Where: A random cafe somewhere in Colligo, off the beaten path
When: After this
Rating: PG? Warnings for angsty-ness
Status: In-progress

He sat at a table half-hidden in the corner of the anonymous cafe, head buried in his hands, a glass of water collecting condensation at his elbow. He didn't know why he was here, or even where here was, really, just that, after he'd returned to his proper age, it was more than he could stand to be in the same house with Rose. To be in a house at all. His aimless wandering had led him here, and he had tried to start making amends, although to his mind nothing he said and nothing he did would ever be enough to make up for what had happened. What they had done, what he had been a party to, even though no one else seemed to understand that. What he was the only one left who could atone for.

His efforts to apologise had been useless so far, and so had his efforts to explain. Maybe here, now, with the memories and feelings more fresh, he would be able to do a better job. They had said they were coming to talk to him, Rose and the Doctor, although he couldn't understand why they even wanted to see him. Maybe this time would be enough.

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amadmanwithabox
2012-05-23 05:01 am UTC (link)

The Doctor sighed. Ianto had such a big heart, but he felt like the young man took too much on himself. No human should carry that much guilt and responsibility. Of course he would want to apologise simply because there was no one else to do so, but the Doctor couldn't accept it when Ianto bore none of the responsibility.

"It isn't your job to take responsibility for what other people did, Ianto," he said gently. "It isn't. You're only responsible for your own choices and actions. Nothing else. You didn't cause what happened that day, and like Rose said...you were as much a victim as anyone. And...anyway, from what I've seen you've done your best to help make sure that Torchwood is very different from what it used to be. It's very...noble of you."

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notjusta_teaboy
2012-05-24 09:25 pm UTC (link)

"Fine, how about responsibility for the choices and actions I did make, or the ones I didn't? I was there, I knew what they were doing, and I didn't do anything and I didn't say anything, not just that situation but everything Torchwood was doing and you can say it wouldn't have mattered and you can say it wouldn't have changed anything, but the truth is that we'll never know because I didn't even try!" His tone got increasingly upset and agitated as he went on, even though he kept his voice quiet.

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blaidd_drwg_
2012-05-24 11:43 pm UTC (link)

If Rose was completely honest she would admit to being a little pleased deep down to be sitting next to the Doctor doing something like this again. It wasn’t an overwhelming thought, just one that was sitting there in the back of her mind. And it did make her feel guilty because it wasn’t about that. This conversation was about dealing with Ianto’s problems not her own selfish ones. So she looked to Ianto again and the more upset he look the more her heart went out to him. Reaching out, she placed a hand gently over his.

“You couldn’t have known what would happen. No one did until it happened. You were doing you job and stayed loyal, that counts for something.” Especially given just who he had to be loyal to. “That day will always be one of the most awful days for me as well as every person linked directly or indirectly with Torchwood One and not once will you be to blame. If you had disagreed or tried to stop her you would have been removed straight away, she was that determined. And then where would Torchwood Three be? You helped build Torchwood into something better.”

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amadmanwithabox
2012-05-29 08:00 am UTC (link)

The Doctor was getting frustrated, not so much with Ianto himself as with the way that he had somehow been led to believe he was responsible for so much. None of the lower-level workers at Torchwood One could have possibly known what was happening, not until it was far too late to stop the inevitable. He blamed himself every day for not managing to save more people, for not managing to save Rose, but he never blamed himself for causing it. And Ianto shouldn't either.

"Stop," he said firmly. "Would you just stop? Please? It was not your fault, Ianto! You were a researcher! You weren't in charge of the place. You weren't one of the ones making decisions. What happened wasn't your fault. And I can't forgive you for something that isn't your fault." He sighed. "And I can't forgive you for what you want to be forgiven for either. Because you don't feel guilty that you didn't stop it." He knew what Ianto was feeling all too well. "You feel guilty that you survived and they didn't."

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notjusta_teaboy
2012-05-31 06:46 pm UTC (link)

He let Rose take his hand. It was a small source of comfort, for her as well as for him. But he was starting to get frustrated as well, with their inability to understand, although that was as much on him and his inability to properly explain as it was on them.

"No! No, no, no! I won't just stop, because stopping isn't going to fix anything or make anything better or change how I'm feeling. Yes, of course I feel guilty that I lived and so many other people died." He looks at the Doctor, not quite glaring, but clearly angered. "But I don't appreciate you telling me how I feel or about what or why. I know my own mind quite well."

He took a deep breath, but it did little to ease the irritation that he was having trouble keeping out of his voice. "You don't understand. I don't care what Yvonne would have done to me, or that it wouldn't have made any difference in what happened. The fact remains that I did nothing. Nothing. I knew what was happening, I knew that I felt wrong about it, and I held my tongue. I was a coward; I betrayed myself and my convictions and everything I believe in."

He looked back and forth between the Doctor and Rose, hoping one more fact would help him get his point across. "It wasn't just Canary Wharf, you know. Torchwood captured and confiscated countless aliens and alien artefacts, and did god-knows-what with them, except I do. I was complicit in that as well, even though I hated it and it disgusted me." He looked directly at the Doctor. "If you had been captured that day, I would have let Yvonne do whatever she wanted to you and never even said a word. How do I live with that?"

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blaidd_drwg_
2012-06-02 06:55 pm UTC (link)

"And feeling guilty wont change things either. Believe me, I know."

There were so many things she felt guilty of but didn't exactly have the chance to go back and change it. Sometimes trauma was just what you had to live with and she had come to accept it. Welcome it sometimes too if she was guilty over something very important. She pulled her hand away from Ianto's, getting just as frustrated now. She just wanted him to realise he done nothing wrong and had nothing to do with that day?

"There's no point in thinking about what ifs, such as the Doctor being caught. For one thing you wouldn't have had him for long enough for anything to happen." She would never let him get into trouble like that. She would have given everything she had to get the Doctor back. "Ianto it's done. It's in the past and there's nothing you can do to alter what happened. Just accept that you weren't to blame. You didn't have a position where your opinion would have been listened to. You more than likely would have been given a warning or maybe even dismissed. You wouldn't have been able to stop her."

{OOC Sorry this is crap, wanted to get it done before I fell asleep which I'm doing right now. Any trouble with typos/sentences not making sense, let me know and I'll edit. And sorry about that fail of coding.}

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