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Severus T. Snape ([info]snark_master) wrote in [info]colligo_threads,
@ 2009-09-27 17:26:00

Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry
Entry tags:!closed

Who: Sev and Lily P.
When: Tonight, around the time Cassidy Casablancas decides to 'blow' off some boredom.
Where: In the city and then behind Building C
What: No more of this 'handling things on his own' business, Lily's set out to find Sev, she wants to help with this 'fear of hurting her' Severus has.
Rating/Warnings: Possible swearing, explosions, someone is bound to get hurt - but don't worry, nothing permanent.
Status: In progress, closed.


The nightmares had diminished, somewhat, since Severus removed himself from the same housing complex Lily lived in. They were not gone altogether, however, a few sleepless nights were better than no sleep at all. And as long as Lily was happy and safe, which she was, Severus would continue in his currently living arrangements.

Other than this move, Severus really had no idea how to face his greatest fear. He had already hurt Lily too many times, and he had proof that this was beyond him to figure out. As those infernal books had shown he was destined to turn into a bitter, cruel, joyless man (which he saw as different from his current condition, as he did have moments of pure happiness, when he was around Lily). Lily had offered to help, but he couldn't see how she could, as his fears centered around him hurting her.

At least the Dark Lord wasn't really there, threatening Lily's life, just a demon floating around making people wallow in their own fears. Which was still reason enough for Severus to make sure he wasn't around Lily, he had hallucinated once already, no telling if he would do that again, or what he might do next time.

Until he figured out how to face his fears he would stay away from Lily.

But that meant another night in the old, abandoned warehouse Merlin had found - not that Merlin was poor company.

Severus was done with work for the day, it was late, and he had decided walk back to the warehouse instead of disapparating. He found walking helped clear his thoughts before sleeping. The clear, dark skies seemed to promise dreamless sleep, Severus hoped that would hold true for the night.


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[info]willow_wand
2009-09-29 12:31 am UTC (link)
Lily's face softened a little. Severus was calling her his best friend again. And he was angry again. She felt a little bad for having made him angry again, but she felt as if she needed to beat it into his head that he wasn't going to hurt her and that burying himself under a rock wasn't going to make the fears go away.

"Because that way, when you open your eyes, you'll be able to see that I'm just fine." She offered him a small, soft smile before continuing. "Because I'm a big girl and I can take care of myself, even from you. Because I trust you and I know you aren't going to hurt me. And finally, Severus, because hiding yourself away somewhere is not facing your fear. It's giving in to them."

She wanted to reach out and put a hand on his shoulder or pull him into a hug or something, but considering his mood, perhaps that wouldn't be the best move. Trying to decide when physical contact was and wasn't okay between them was still tricky to Lily.

"I'd be a rotten friend if I let you do this alone, Severus."

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[info]snark_master
2009-09-29 02:31 am UTC (link)
"You know I won't?" his voice raised in volume, but wasn't quite yelling, "How? Lily, when you showed up here you were about to die, because of me." Severus instantly regretted saying that. It was rash and probably bound to upset Lily, but it expressed well what he was feeling. It was his fault Lily was going to die... or maybe not now, but it was his fault she had that to look forward to back in their own reality.

He looked down, not wanting to meet her eyes, and tempered his tone, "I just mean, no matter how inadvertent, or how much I regret what I did, the truth is I still hurt you with what I did. I can't-" he choked on the words despite having already confessed such to Lily - it just wasn't any easier to say the second time around. He took a step back to distance himself from her. "I can't come to terms with that, how am I to accept the possibility I might do it again?"

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[info]willow_wand
2009-09-29 06:29 pm UTC (link)
Lily blinked at Severus, taken slightly aback by his outburst. She could feel her throat tighten and tears sting her eyes at the reminder of what had transpired just before she'd arrived here, but she swallowed and set her jaw. Severus was upset and she tried to tell herself that he didn't mean to hurt her right now. She needed to be concerned with him and his facing his fears, not personal vendettas that she was trying to lay to rest.

"Hiding isn't going to fix anything, Severus. You can't just sit and hope that this fear thing goes away." Lily sighed heavily and shook her head, making no move to close the distance that was now between them.

"If you don't want my help, then what would you rather me do? Sit in my room and wait for it to get me too? Sit and wait for it to drive you mad? I don't want to do that." Her tone was soft and she frowned a little at Severus. She didn't want to just leave him to face whatever this thing put into his mind alone, but she couldn't help him if he wouldn't let her. Part of her wanted to smack him for being so stubborn, and another part wanted to smack herself for being so stubborn and sticking her nose where it apparently wasn't wanted.

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[info]snark_master
2009-09-29 11:55 pm UTC (link)
Severus looked up when Lily started talking, simply stared at her until she was done and for a while after she'd finished. He realized she'd not addressed a single thing he said, and she seemed content to keep the distance between them. He considered this and concluded she still had not forgiven him for anything. And if that were true - that she, like him, could not come to terms with what he had done - how could she help him overcome the fear that he would hurt her again?

Part of him had hoped she might have a plan, could think of some way to help him, but he could see now that she didn't have anything. Lily wasn't here because of much more than a flimsy obligation to what they once were to each other. If he messed up, again, she would be gone from his life.

This realization only left him feeling cold and alone, which wasn't really much different than he felt most of the time, but the poignancy of the moment was hard to ignore and brush to the back of his mind.

The longer he stood there the worse he felt.

Swallowing hard, Severus pushed at the emotions threatening to overwhelm him until they were behind closed doors, and therefore would not hinder him - thank goodness he could still at least do that with occlumency. In the blink of an eye a disinterested mask settled on his face, covering any of the feelings he had expressed early.

"Go home, Lily," he kept his voice controlled and emotionless. "If he has not affected you yet, than I doubt he will now."

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[info]willow_wand
2009-09-30 02:40 am UTC (link)
"You don't know that," she muttered, casting green eyes down to the ground. In truth, she was pretty scared of what the fear demon would make her see. She wasn't sure what her worst fear would be. It would probably make her see her son dead or dying. The thought made her queasy, her face going a little pale.

She had to almost physically shake the thought off. There was no need to worry about it until when or if the fear demon actually started to mess with her mind. She liked to think she would be able to face it, but there was no way to know until it happened.

Lily stepped closer to Severus, studying his face. She wondered if he actually meant that, wanting her to go. After a few long moments, she finally nodded her head. "Fine. I'll go. But I'm not going to leave because of anything you said about what happened before. I'm trying so hard to move past that, Severus. But I can't if you won't let me." She clasped her hands in front of her, wringing them as she spoke. She just felt like she needed to do something with them.

"If you really think that's what you need, then I'll leave." She looked at him pointedly, hoping he would really think about it and not just go with his knee-jerk reaction.

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[info]snark_master
2009-09-30 03:55 am UTC (link)
Severus bit his tongue, resenting the newly rising emotions, he had to fight the urge to burst out again. It was clear to him Lily was as unwilling to let things go as he was, but he couldn't until she did as it was his mistake to atone for and she was the only one who could tell him when he had. She had not, there was not much he could do about that.

"Interesting take on it all," Severus looked down again, voice low, "but I know how apologizing and trying to fix things works. I don't get to rest about the past until you forgive me." He didn't mean that to be cutting and tried to keep his voice from its usual tones of disdain. "I don't think you know what I need any more than I do."

Severus sighed, "You should still go home. Where I'm staying isn't just my secret to reveal. Someone else is staying there, they don't want to be found out."

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[info]willow_wand
2009-09-30 03:41 pm UTC (link)
Lily looked a little deflated, but managed to keep her chin up. She tried to tell herself that Severus was upset and didn't mean for the things he said to come off the way they did, but it was hard not to take them badly.

"You could have just said that from the beginning, you know," she answered quietly after finding out it was someone else's hiding spot as well. At least he wasn't staying alone. Someone, though she didn't know who, would be there as well.

Lily heaved a heavy sigh and took a step back from Severus, preparing to just give in and go back to her room. "I will forgive you, Sev, I promise, but not right now. I want to do it sometime when we're not fighting... or whatever it is we're doing. Sometime when you'll believe me when I say it." She paused and looked up at him for a moment before nodding her head, resigned. "Well, I'll just go home now. Take care, yeah?" She offered him a somewhat strained smile and turned to walk back to the housing building.

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[info]snark_master
2009-09-30 11:38 pm UTC (link)
Just great, Severus had accomplished exactly what he did not want to do, he had upset Lily. He could see the disappointment on her face. Why did she have to push him? He had told her to leave him alone, that he needed time and space and she couldn't respect him and let him do just that. And then when he stuck to his resolve it hurt her.

God damn it!

But he couldn't let this, whatever this was, end this way. As infuriating as it was for Lily to never listen to him, his desire to make her happy greatly outweighed any resentment.

"Lily, wait." He moved to fall in step beside her, "I'll see you back to your flat, okay?"

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[info]willow_wand
2009-09-30 11:54 pm UTC (link)
Lily blinked, clearly surprised. "Really?" she asked, sounding somehow both skeptical and hopeful at the same time. "That's really nice of you, Severus," she continued. "Since I was being a bit of a brat." She wrinkled her nose and shrugged sheepishly.

It was true, she assumed she knew best for him. But maybe she did and maybe she didn't. However, she still wasn't convinced enough to actually admit that she could have possibly been wrong out loud. In fact, one of her first thoughts was that maybe she could get him to change his mind on the walk back. It was so frustrating when someone refused help. Not everything was meant to be handled alone.

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[info]snark_master
2009-10-01 12:30 am UTC (link)
Severus knew better than to vocalize his wholehearted agreement to the 'brat' bit, choosing only to smile instead.

"It's dark, and late, and you are alone - all of which play on that fear thing I mentioned earlier, in the worse way," Severus shrugged. "And it's not that far."

Severus shoved his hands into the pockets of his trousers, not knowing what else to say. If pressed he would admit he appreciated Lily thought of him enough to track him down - never mind his earlier conclusions. But it was not as if he had the emotional skills to translate that into words, in any meaningful, eloquent way.

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[info]willow_wand
2009-10-01 12:47 am UTC (link)
"My hero," she teased, offering Severus a mischievous grin. She liked getting a rise out of him, but only under the correct circumstances. Earlier that evening was certainly not the way she wanted things to go. But sooner or later she liked to think that she and Severus would patch things up. Maybe he would realize that she really had his best interests at heart, even if she hadn't gone about it in the best way.

She wanted to argue that she could take care of herself, but since it wasn't Severus himself but this fear demon thing, she doubted it would put his mind at ease. So instead she kept her mouth shut and simply walked alongside him.

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[info]snark_master
2009-10-01 01:58 am UTC (link)
"Right," Severus wasn't sure if he was up for the ironic teasing. He was well aware how little that word applied to him. But thinking about how to respond to that just made him more depressed. They still had a few blocks to go, Severus decided it was best to change the subject.

"Have you found something, a job to occupy your time?" a very lame question, but the subject could hardly lead to any hurt feelings or misunderstandings, as clearly they had not yet moved their friendship to a level that could withstand difficult issues.

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[info]willow_wand
2009-10-01 03:04 am UTC (link)
"Not yet," Lily replied with a shrug, stuffing her hands into her own pockets. "I keep thinking about looking for one, but I'm still just not used to such a..." She paused, searching for the right word. "Normal, I guess, life. I mean, I graduated and immediately started living more like a soldier than a woman. I hardly know what to do with myself without something to fight."

It was kind of funny, really. She was young and intelligent, but still felt as if she should be fighting rather than working a regular job and living such a quiet life. And she couldn't even use the excuse of having a child to stay home with. Harry could just as easily be her little brother now instead of her son.

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[info]snark_master
2009-10-01 04:04 am UTC (link)
And Severus was proven wrong, again - the conversation just went back to the past, and he couldn't help but think how he had contributed to her non-normal life. He nodded, to show he had listened, but then quickly cast about for a change of subject, they were still two blocks away...

"You should," Severus sighed, not having found anything else to talk about, "find something. You could always try out muggle university."

Two more blocks, just two more blocks. Severus loved Lily, but this walk had turned excruciating, and all he wanted to do was ... well he didn't want to just leave, but he wished this would go faster.

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[info]willow_wand
2009-10-01 03:52 pm UTC (link)
Lily looked a little surprised. "Muggle university?" she repeated, thinking that idea over. "You know, I'd never actually thought of that. That's a pretty good idea." She smiled over at Severus. That would probably be more interesting and exciting than just a job. And she could learn more about the world of her parents. It surprised her sometimes how little she actually knew about the Muggle world.

"Thanks," she said still smiling. "I appreciate the idea. It sounds like fun." She might actually start looking in to how to apply to the university. The idea put a little bit of a spring in her step. Not that she was eager for their walk to end, but they could only realistically drag their feet for so long.

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[info]snark_master
2009-10-02 01:20 am UTC (link)
Severus was relieved that the conversation was now going in a direction that didn't touch on the past. Plus, it always made Severus happy to know he had done something, or said something to bring a smile to Lily's face. Severus watching Lily's growing excitement, and couldn't help but smile himself.

There was just one block left to go, and it looked like their path had taken them behind the buildings, so that made the distance about a block or so longer.

"I bet you would do great - you always did take academics seriously," Severus had to admit the idea was appealing to him as well. It was unfortunate there were no institutes for furthering studies in magical subjects, but knowledge was knowledge.

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[info]willow_wand
2009-10-02 04:39 am UTC (link)
Lily couldn't help but laugh a little. "Yeah, I guess I did. But so did you." She grinned, mulling the idea over some more. It felt nice that Severus would think so highly as to automatically assume she could excel even in muggle university.

Their walk was almost done. That made Lily a little sad, but at least they would be parting ways on much better terms than before. Maybe it was just Severus' talk of not wanting her to get hurt, or maybe she just had an overactive imagination, but walking behind these buildings in the dark was starting to give her a bit of an uneasy feeling. She tried to keep that to herself, however, and not let it show on her face. No need to worry Severus over something as trivial as the imagination of a young girl still trapped in the mind of a woman. But still, something felt a little off...

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[info]snark_master
2009-10-04 10:22 pm UTC (link)
"Yes, I know," Severus wasn't trying to brag, but it really was the one thing he could say he was good at that Lily would praise - everything else on the very short list of the things he was good at would, did, disgust her.

They now only had to walk between the buildings to the front entrance and then Lily would be safe inside and then Severus might get a quiet night - no sleep to be sure, but it might be quiet.

But as this thought crossed his mind he was interrupted. The car they were passing, not more than twenty feet away, exploded in a brilliant flash of light, noise and heat, the force of which, while not substantial enough to dramatically blast them off there feet, was such that it knocked them to the side and to the ground.

No, no, no He couldn't believe this was happening. This... Lily getting hurt...

Severus coughed to regain his breath as ashe, metal and whatever other kind of debris rained down on them. His thoughts instantly turned to Lily as panic threatened to engulf him. He needed to make sure she was okay first before he found out what happened.

God, let Lily be okay!

"Lily!" though he shouted the words sounded muffled to his ears. His hand fumbled to retrieve his wand from his pocket while he mentally berated himself for not having it out in the first place, knowing this was somehow his fault.

He looked to his side, pushing himself up on scratched palms, praying that Lily was not hurt.

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[info]willow_wand
2009-10-05 03:38 pm UTC (link)
Lily opened her mouth to scream, surprised by the sudden flash of light and heat, but the sound was lost in all the noise. The light was white and yellow and orange like fire, it wasn't green, but it still immediately reminded her of the last thing she'd seen before arriving in Colligo: the bright green flash of a killing curse. However, the sting in her lungs from the smoke quickly brought her out of those thoughts. If she could cough, then she wasn't dead.

She hadn't realized that she'd fallen. What on earth had happened? And where was Severus? She could still hear debris falling to the ground so out of instinct she flung her arms up to protect her head. "Sev?" she called, but she couldn't even hear herself. She was pretty sure he couldn't hear her either.

Things started to quiet, but somewhere an alarm was screeching. She blinked, trying to see through the haze and locate Severus. He was sitting up, but she couldn't tell if he was hurt. She pushed herself up as well. Her elbow was scraped from the sidewalk and she could feel a small trickle of blood from a cut on her temple. She reached up to wipe some of the blood away with her hand to keep it out of her eye.

"Are you okay? What the bloody hell just happened?" she called over at Severus, wondering if the ringing in his ears was as bad as the ringing in hers.

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[info]snark_master
2009-10-08 03:02 am UTC (link)
Relief flooded Severus's mind when he heard the deceivingly distant voice of Lily calling for him. He rushed, or more half scooted, half crawled, to her side, momentarily grateful, for the fact she was still alive, but his elation dissolved when he saw the injuries she had sustained. The scrapes on her elbows could be healed easily enough, but a gash to the head could be just the surface of something more severe.

Thoughts raced through his brain, most of the centered around the idea that this was somehow all his fault. Maybe if he hadn't walked back with Lily, or had just apparated to the warehouse instead of walking back from work so that Lily would never have found him, or a thousand other possibilities - but all because of him.

Lily was hurt because of him.

"God, Lily," he could barely hear himself talk and was unsure if Lily even heard him. "Where are you hurt?" He didn't want to risk having her move just to cause more harm, but then he wanted more than anything to get away from the burning remains of that car.

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