InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "The worms they crawl all about"

James Potter (foureyedwonder) wrote in beyondthepages,
@ 2010-03-28 22:18:00

Entry tags:

!complete, 2023 08, james potter, lily evans, lily luna potter, sirius black

RP: ... Welcome Back Potter?
Characters: James Potter, LilyLu, Lily E. Potter; Sirius Black
Time/Date: 28 August 2023, early evening
Location: Godric's Hollow
Warnings/Rating: ANGST
Summary: James isn't really sure what's going on.
Status: Closed, complete-ish

It took James several seconds of blinking before he could piece together what was going on.

One of two things had just happened: either he had just Apparated to a location he had never seen before, likely splinching himself in the process (aaaand quick check to make sure everything vital had come along) or he was never touching Firewhiskey again, because clearly it played havoc with his memory. What had they done last night that had ended him up in some... random house in who knows where (though without any other ideas, he was assuming Hogsmade), without his wand and so-called mates, who had clearly abandoned him in his hour of need. When he got back to school, there would be words. There. Would. Be. Words.

Though maybe that was a slight exaggeration. Just because nothing was familiar, didn't mean that he needed to assume the worst: that they'd broken into some bloke's house in Hogsmade after sneaking into the Hogs Head and sneaking some Firewhiskey. Surely they were more responsible than...

... Right, okay, that was a stupid thought. Of course he should always assume the worst.

Not seeing his mate's anywhere close by, or anyone else for that matter, James decided to count his lucky stars, and starting to ease his way in the direction that he hoped was the exit. He'd find a way back to Hogwarts and hash out the details of what the hell had happened later - right now, he didn't want to be caught breaking in. He had enough black marks that were NOT HIS FAULT to his good name already - he didn't need to add this bizarre occurrence to the list.

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the_lily_luna
2010-03-29 04:27 am UTC (link)

Lily blinked. Where her grandmother got her sense of humor? "Who ... do you think I am, exactly?" Did she look like someone James knew from before?

"Anyway, you're not a corpse, obviously but neither were they when they came back," she added as she followed after him. Maybe once he saw Sirius, or her grandmother, he'd realize the truth of the matter.

Behind the closed door, Lily closed her eyes. She heard a voice that sounded like James. Not her grandson James, but her husband James. Her heart was thumping wildly in her chest as she rose slowly, crossing to the door and drawing it open.

Her eyes lit on James, and she knew in an instant that he was ... young. School age young.

She closed her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest and sort of wondered if this was what heartbreak felt like. He was here, he was back ... and he was very likely to young to remember they'd dated. Been married. Had a child.

"James," she said softly, her voice a little strained, a little hoarse, her eyes filling with pain, with sorrow. This ... this was a goddamn cruel twist, wasn't it?

Lily Luna bit her lip softly, looking away from the expression on Lily's face. Dear lord did she ever hope she never felt the way Lily looked like she felt.

Instead, she eased past James to head upstairs and see if Sirius was in Jamie's room still.

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foureyedwonder
2010-03-29 04:39 am UTC (link)

He was about to answer her question - clearly, she was Evans' younger sister - but was a bit caught off guard when Lily suddenly appeared in the hall, his smug expression melting again into one of confusion that he couldn't cover this time as he stared at... Evans. It... was Evans, wasn't it? She only had the one sister, and this one... looked a whole lot more like her than... except for being... older. Different. But it was still Lily, wasn't it? He kind of half tripped over his own feet, stumbling a little as he stared. It was a moment before he realized his mouth was hanging open, and his head turned rather comically to watch Lily Luna walk away before they turned back to Lily.

"Evans?" he said, looking around him in confusion, as if trying to find the source of the joke. "What... I don't get it. What's the joke?"

God, but she looked miserable. The words 'who died?' were halfway out his mouth before he caught them, remembering the joke that Lily Luna had said that may not have been a joke now that he'd found a Lily that looked older. He cleared his throat awkwardly, trying to cover it. "You... you okay?" it was awkward, and hesitant, but he did want to know and offer what comfort he could, even if he didn't think that she'd accept it.

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emerald_eyes
2010-03-29 04:49 am UTC (link)

How to even start? How could she explain anything to him, now, with him that young? How could she tell him he'd just met his granddaughter, that he was currently standing in his son's house? How could she hold him, kiss him, be his wife when he was ... school aged?

The simple answer was that she couldn't.

It was the thing she'd feared, dreaded. That he'd come back too young. That he'd be like Sirius. For all she knew, he and Sirius had come from the same point in time. Same year, same month.

"Um," she said before her throat tightened and her voice cracked. Sirius is upstairs she wanted to say, because that would be easier, wouldn't it? To just let him hear it all from Sirius? But Sirius didn't know. James didn't know. If it weren't for the fact everyone else knew and would likely tell him, she'd just ... pretend otherwise.

"I ... I was hoping you'd be ... older. I. I'm glad, you're alive again, of course, but ..." Selfish. Wasn't that selfish? He was alive again, did it matter she couldn't have him now? "Love, I'm sorry. I ... that was ... I didn't mean it that way."

She took a step toward him, lifting a hand to stroke her fingers over his hair ... but even that innocent gesture struck her as wrong and weird and she knew she couldn't do this. She couldn't date him, kiss him, make love to him while he was ... this young. Legalities aside, it was just... awkwardly weird and it struck too many off-chords within her.

Aware of the tears tumbling down her cheeks, she shook her head slightly. Maybe it would be better to just let Sirius explain.

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foureyedwonder
2010-03-29 05:01 am UTC (link)

He didn't get it. He equated the sensation with reading course material that was just slightly out of his league. He had all the pieces, he knew enough to know that he just had to piece them together, but they weren't fitting. She was glad he was alive again, she'd just hoped he'd be older? Like her? That didn't... make even a little bit of sense, and if it wasn't for the fact that Prefect Evans would never have gone this far with a prank, he'd be convinced that his mates had just gotten really bloody good while he hadn't been watching.

But somehow, he figured laughing and shouting out, "Okay! You got me!" was not the best way to handle this situation. He suspected, in fact, that that would simply succeed in making it a whole lot worse.

She was stepping towards him. It was unexpected, but he didn't draw away. It was Evans. This was what he wanted. He wanted her to move closer to him, to touch him, to be able to touch her back. And then her fingers were in his hair, but it was... off somehow. She wasn't touching him. She was touching something else. A memory. And it gave him the shudders, and made everything so much more real than words did.

"Lily, I..." he said, running his fingers slowly through his hair if she dropped her hand, aware that he could still feel the ghost of her fingers there. "Did something...?" he started to say, and then he exhaled. That was a stupid question before it started. "What happened? Was it a Quidditch accident? 'Cause I really think I'm fine now, there's no reason..."

He couldn't put the pieces together. Had he been in a coma or something for the last... 5, 6 years? Was that why she was... but then why wasn't she happy to see him? It didn't make any sense, and he wanted her to clarify. But at the same time, he couldn't stand that expression.

"Hey, shhh," he said gently, awkwardly lifting his arms to rest them first on her shoulders, and then trying to pull her into a hug, if she'd let him. She really looked like she could use one right now. "It's all right. I'm fine." It was the best he could think of to be comforting right now.

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emerald_eyes
2010-03-29 05:16 am UTC (link)

What happened? A hoarse laugh parted her lips. You died trying to save our son. Just like I did. She should break him in more slowly than that, shouldn't she?

She resisted his embrace, pushing lightly at his shoulder and shaking her head. She couldn't, because it hurt entirely too much. To have something so familiar and so foreign at the same time. She couldn't handle that. Not right now. Not on top of everything else.

"What happened," she echoed in a slightly thick voice. Clearing her throat, she shook her head. "I don't ... even know where to start," she whispered before she let her eyes play over his face. His too-young face, blurred slightly by the teardrops gathered on her lashes.

"We ..." She licked her lips and looked toward the stairs, because somehow not looking at him would make it easier to stumble through this. "We were married, James. We had a son. This ... this is his house. Was our house. We died here. You ..." she licked her lips again, tasting the salt of her tears before she gestured. "You died, downstairs. I ... I got up the stairs. Got to Harry, and ... I died up there." She pointed at the room that had been the nursery but was now Lily Luna's bedroom.

"I came back up there. We ... we died, in 1981. It's 2023 now. I know it's a lot to take in, especially since you don't ... since it hasn't happened for you yet." Yet. It wouldn't happen for him, because it had already happened and it couldn't happen again. Though if it did, it would be with a different wife. A different child.

That thought twisted something deep in her gut, and she thought for a moment she might be physically ill. She'd never felt a pain so deep and she didn't know how she'd get through this. Not when she was alone. Not when no one remembered her.

She closed her eyes, blinking another spill of tears down her cheeks. "Sirius is ... he's back as well. He's upstairs. Be going back to school in a few days and I ... suppose ..."

Supposed that he would, too, but she couldn't make herself choke out the words. To make the reality even more real for herself.

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foureyedwonder
2010-03-29 05:41 am UTC (link)

He wasn't all that surprised when she pushed him away. That, at least, was more familiar. Though when she launched into her explanation, he felt his world turn upside down. It was... too hard to believe, and he started to grin a bit awkwardly, waiting for the punchline that part of him knew wasn't coming, because the pieces were starting to cement together, and this was really too strange for words, too foreign a concept for him to really comprehend.

And he knew... he knew it was the entirely wrong thing to be focusing on right now, but... he'd succeeded. He'd won her over. They'd been married, had the life he'd been imagining for... it felt like years now. He'd had it, and he hadn't even gotten to experience it since... well. It didn't seem like it would be possible now, not if she was pushing him away. And maybe worse than that, even if that life he'd died before he really got to experience it.

He registered her saying that Sirius was here too, and something in the back of his mind thought that he'd already known that, but he didn't move away. He couldn't, not with her looking like this. He wanted so badly to make her feel better, and he didn't have a clue where to start.

He'd been quiet for some time. That was unlike him. "Wow," he managed. "I..." he frowned. "I'm... sorry, Lily. I..." he covered his mouth. He really didn't know what to say.

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emerald_eyes
2010-03-29 05:49 am UTC (link)

He was sorry. He'd done nothing wrong, and he was sorry. It might have been amusing in some other place, some other time, when her heart wasn't cracking into a thousand pieces. "It's not your fault, love," she whispered. "This ...whatever magic's doing this doesn't seem to be terribly picky about where it plucks people from." Or who it picked up, for all that.

She closed her eyes for a moment as she tried to think ... but she couldn't. Her thoughts were jumbled and discordant and incoherent. Her mind was just full of hurt, and sad. She was certain LilyLu would tell Harry ... tell whoever else needed to know.

"He'll be pleased to see you," she said softly. "Harry. Our son. He named one of his sons after you," she murmured. "His daughter after me. His other son after Professor Dumbledore." And Severus, but she thought it best not to touch on that.

Lily regarded him, but she realized there really was nothing either of them could say, could do at this juncture. They couldn't form a relationship, reclaim their lost life. Not with a gap that big between them. So he'd move on. She'd move on.

Someday.

Maybe he'd meet someone at school ... and there was that sick feeling again. "You should ... Sirius will want to see you," she said softly. It was enough to know he was back, he was alive. She really couldn't keep this up though. Not when all she wanted to do was lie somewhere and simply let herself be broken before she started to met the pieces back together again.

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foureyedwonder
2010-03-29 06:02 am UTC (link)

He didn't really mean that he was sorry for coming back younger - he meant that he was sorry that she had to go through this pain, but he supposed she was right that neither was really his fault. Didn't stop him from feeling badly, though. He still loved her, even if there was no chance of that ever being mutual. Again.

A son. He had... a son. He ran his fingers through his hair in a familiar gesture, trying to figure out what to make of that. He really didn't know. And his son would be pleased to see him? He didn't know how to feel about that either. He... didn't feel like he'd be pleased to see him, and he wondered if that was wrong of him. Weren't parents supposed to have... special bonds with their children? Did that make him a bad father before he'd even gotten to be one? He nodded his head to Lily's statements all the same, not really able to find the words.

Seeing Sirius right now sounded... really great, and not awkward like this conversation was, and he felt horribly guilty for thinking it. She was hurting, she could probably use a friend and he was looking for an excuse to bail.

"He can wait, if you want some company," he offered quietly.

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emerald_eyes
2010-03-29 06:09 am UTC (link)

She almost managed a smile at that. She was fairly certain she'd felt her lips twitch at any rate. Company in the form of a younger version of her husband ... that wouldn't go well tonight.

So she shook her head and gently cupped his cheek. She gazed into his eyes, and even his eyes looked different. But ... he hadn't seen the war like the father of her son had. He hadn't narrowly dodged Voldemort. He hadn't lost friends.

Leaning in, she pressed a soft kiss to his cheek and tried not to think about how that would likely be the last time she ever would. It was over before it had begun for him. "He can't wait, James. You know that better than anyone."

This time she did manage a smile; at least Sirius would be pleased. The pair of them could go through this together, and she ... well, she'd work something out on her own.

"I'll be here though if ... you wanted to stop in later," she offered, half hoping that he wouldn't, half fearing that he would. "Go on," she said softly before she took a couple of steps back toward the guest room. Her room, for now.

She hesitated then, gazing at him. "You were a good husband, James. And a brilliant father." She bit her lower lip then and turned away, retreating to the room that wasn't hers in a time that wasn't hers, feeling more alone and adrift than she had since she'd returned.

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foureyedwonder
2010-03-29 06:28 am UTC (link)

He felt like he had let her down. He'd let someone down, at any rate, even if it was just himself. He couldn't be what she wanted, what she needed, and she'd seemed to really need it today, if her expression was any indication. And despite what she said, he did feel that Sirius could wait - it wasn't like his mate wasn't used to it at this point. And there was another fresh stab of guilt, and he'd been back from the dead for less than 10 minutes and already he was pretty sure he wanted someone to shoot him 'cause this was... way too much to take in.

"Are you sure?" he asked, but he already knew the answer to that question. He reminded her too much of what she'd lost. She didn't want to be around him right now, maybe not ever, and he was pretty sure that was what hurt the most right now. That he'd gotten so close and yet...

He closed his eyes when she told him he was a good husband. He'd always thought he'd be, if given the chance. It was nice to have confirmation though, that he did manage to grow up and achieve what he'd always wanted to. Maybe he could do it again. Maybe he could get her to change her mind, see that he could still be what she needed.

Maybe.

He stood outside her door a lot longer than was probably necessary, staring at it, vaguely hoping it would open again and someone would come out and tell him it was all some sort of joke. But he knew it wasn't going to happen.

Shaking his head slightly, trying to clear it of all this depressing nonsense, he moved up away from the angst and started toward where he thought Sirius' room was. He could really use some familiarity right about now.

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