Ask Rose

Dear Rose,

I have found myself in something of a predicament of late. You see, my parents are terribly worried about whether or not they're ever going to have grand-children. My eldest sister has been married for eight years and still has produced no children. My middle sister has no potential suitors and is turning into an old maid. She's nearly twenty-seven!

Then there is me. I am only twenty-four, but my parents insist I must marry as quickly as possible. I am not particularly interested in marrying. But I have several prospects, you see.

The first is a charming, intelligent, and attractive young woman. I'll call her Vivian. I thought Vivian was quite amenable to me, but alas, I found out via my sister she has been taken by someone else in secret, an acquaintance of mine I do not think good enough for her (he is currently on the run from the law).

The second is has a different set of charms and attractive qualities. I'll call her Janet. She is quite intelligent and wise and interested in reading. I escorted her to a masquerade last month and have sent her flowers and had tea with her, though nothing is official because her father is currently wrongfully imprisoned and I cannot ask him permission to court her officially. This is a problem. I want to begin this 'marriage' thing soon if I must. And besides, she seems a bit... Prone to histrionics, if I may say. Any time anything bad happens, she is hysterical. I do not know if I want this quality in a wife. Furthermore, she is only eighteen, and my sister insists she is far too young for me. However, her twin sister was engaged (her fiance died tragically in Italy only a week or so ago), so her parents obviously do not think her too young.

There is a third girl, who I shall call Angelica. She is Russian, beautiful, and witty. However, I know two other men are interested in her, one of them a friend of mine, but I am not certain as to whether or not she likes either of them.

Do I try to win Vivian's heart? Do I wait for Janet? Is she truly too young for me? Is it worth competing for Angelica's affections? I know many other young women, but find none of them as agreeable as these two. Should I turn my interests to them?

Sincerely,
Torn in Leicestershire

Rose,

My husband and I fight a lot. That's not my problem at all, but just a bit of background. I argue with my brothers a lot too so it's just something I'm real used to growing up and even though we argue, I love him to death.

Well, my husband and I disagree so much that we decided we wouldn't have kids until we can at least agree on a name for each gender. Well, I got real mad at him one night because of something or other and didn't want to tell him why so I told him I thought I might be up the duff. It was a lie, of course, but now Aunt Flo is late and I am wondering if it's Karma.

The real problem here is that it's been three years married and we still can't agree on any names and what happens if we have the kid and still can't agree and it doesn't have a name for the first three, four, five years of it's life?

Naming Arguments Make Elsie Sad

So Rose.

I'm afraid I'm at odds with myself. You see, I am...well, I can't particularly put it to words. Attracted to? Infatuated with? A woman. Well, perhaps more a girl than a woman. But regardless, I find myself vexed. She's in prison, you see, for a crime she didn't commit.

Here's the real problem, one of the women responsible for imprisoning my friend is the former love of my dearest friend. I'd quite like to murder her, and painfully, if I could, but I do have an honor code, warped as it may be. I don't wish to hurt my friend, or anger him, or risk my well-being by acting rashly. But I always sorely desire to get vengeance for this wrong against someone I do care about.

So, in summary, should I stick with my honour code and leave the woman responsible alone, or avenge my imprisoned friend?

-Sincerely;
Honourbound.

Deer Rose


I kant spel and peeple mak fun uf me for it.


what kan i do? it hertz mi feilings.


Sinseerli,
Olde Hags hav feilings two

Rose,

So. I don't generally like asking other people for advice but I'm in a bit of a predicament and thought maybe you could help me out.

You see, a very good friend of mine and I are a part of a band of vigilantes dedicated to fighting the forces of evil in the world. In September, there was a battle at a school where we were involved, along with the Evil Vigilantes and law enforcement. I was having a pretty good day, considering I was in the middle of a raging fucking battle, until I stumbled upon said friend (let's call her Darlene) battling with the man who killed her entire family a few months back. Said man (let's call him Rudolph) was about to beat her to pieces, it seemed, so I disengaged him.

Darlene, Rudolph, and I had a bit of a skirmish and things were getting rather heated, as they tend to do when you're battling racist scum who killed your entire family. Rudolph slammed Darlene up against a tree and she was helpless and indisposed. I decided that I was going to attempt a very bad spell (I shan't name it because I don't want law enforcement knocking down my door) in an attempt to torture him. Clever Rudolph held Darlene in front and my spell hit her instead, causing her a considerable amount of pain (albeit on accident).

I then rather matter-of-factly told Rudolph that I was going to kill him. He said that if I wanted to, I'd have to kill Darlene first. Now, keep in mind that Rudolph is a very large man and Darlene is at best an averaged sized girl and he could have just snapped her neck like a rag doll at this point. I wanted to kill him and save her, so I tried to think of how. Finally Rudolph let Darlene and me go and I, most unfortunately, didn't get to kill him.

Now, Darlene is understandably quite upset with me having tortured her and all, but I apologised a lot and that was months ago. Things seemed to have gotten better, as for ages she wouldn't speak to me, but she still gives me dark looks whenever Rudolph's name is mentioned (which, unfortunately, is a lot).

I don't understand how to fix my relationship with my friend. Is there anything more I can do?!

Signed,
Troubled Torturer

Dear Rose,
Hello again. It has been some time since our last correspondence and I am thrilled to report that I have turned out not to be a homosexual.

Sadly, this leads directly into my current predicament. You see, I am courting a very fine young lady, let us call her A., but I do not think she likes me very much. Besides that, I have heard whispers that a young man who is much more impressive than I am has his eyes on her. She has been present for me following my best friend's sudden disappearance and untimely demise, but I feel as though she is only doing so because her father likes me enough that he kidnapped me, which means that we now live together and that it would be horribly awkward if I were losing my head with grief the way that everyone apparently expects of me. How I grieve is none of their business really, but that is another discussion altogether. I digress.

So, I am courting A., but I have recently met this other girl, whom we shall call G. G. and I met under less-than-romantic circumstances -- her brother had been badly injured and I saved his life -- but she likes me quite well. She was my first kiss and, were it not for the fact that I could hardly risk sullying her chastity and reputation, I would gladly have taken her to bed. The fact that we did not sleep together was honestly not due to either of us not wishing to or being unable to do so; I simply would not want people calling her a scarlet woman and, increasingly, she has been preoccupying my thoughts, if you understand my meaning.

Is this natural, Rose? Moreover, when faced with the prospect of these two women, which one would be the better pick -- the one who doesn't like me, but who has a father who could kill me if he wished; or the one who, while she is not as socially acceptable as the other, finds my romantic gestures moving and is otherwise fond of me?

Many thanks,
Left My Heart Somewhere Between Paris and Moscow.

What Christmas present do you buy for your boss, who half the country thinks you're having an affair with, even though you're not, but you really want to be which is possibly a bit twisted because she's twice your age and you're both in open marriages?

Dear Rose,

A friend of mine, who I'm not really supposed to associate with much anymore for complicated reasons (namely that he wished to court me, which I was entirely amenable to, but my father was not, and now I am married to someone who is on reflection far better for me, as much as I miss my friend) seems rather apathetic to the whole idea of Christmas. His mother died recently and he lives alone with his cat. He has never had very much money and his home is not very... decorative, to say the least. Do you think it would be inappropriate to, possibly anonymously, send him a parcel of beautiful things to brighten up his surroundings? I worry about him being alone at Christmas.

Dear Rose,

I feel really weird asking you for advice, because normally I either obsess quietly to myself until whatever is bothering me eats me alive, or I have a random outburst about something unrelated that makes people worry for my mental stability.

This situation, however, is beyond obsessing or outbursts. I need your help.

There is a very nice boy who I think is interested in courting me but might not be good enough for my parents as a potential husband. I like him well enough, though, or at least as well as a girl of my status should like a potential husband. I am worried, however, that as long as I still had a womb, status, and money, he would court me even if I had the face of a hatchet and the wits of a dead fish. I think this because he has shown an interest in literally every other girl around me, regardless of what they are like. And trust me, Rose, there is no way a man of any particular preference could be attracted to the type of girl I am and the type of girl my friends are. Everyone has a type, but his seems to be female and wealthy.

At the same time, I feel inexplicably drawn to a much older man--I guess you would sort of call him a mentor, or at least an adviser of sorts. He has crazy hair and he literally could be my father, but I feel as if there are all sorts of unseen forces pushing me to marry him. I don't understand where they come from or how this started, but they exist and I can't ignore them.

What should I do, Rose? Marry the older man I know nothing about who has wooly hair and I'm fairly certain is older than my father, or marry the younger, more suitable suitor who doesn't seem to have any desire to want me and me alone?

Sincerely,
Stuck Between a Jerk and an Old Place.