Ask Rose

Dear Rose,

A while back I asked about three girls that I was interested in. And I must say that 'the heart wants what it wants' is very unhelpful? HOWEVER, I am back and trying again, because I am desperate.

So let's catch up: the society girl that I was interested in, is now married.

The hippie is rather dead (damn werewolves).

And the woman I've loved since I was in primary school is rather pregnant with the spawn of the devil (otherwise known as her husband).

So I haven't had any sex since like, August(?) And I'm a little lonely. And I seem to be bad luck to women. There's a girl I've been flirting with a bit, but she doesn't really seem to trust me, or really anyone. Is it totally horrible of me to just ask her for sex, but her not become my girlfriend?

Solitary At Spinner's End

P.S. What do I say to the pregnant love of my life who is, unfortunately, not pregnant with MY child when she says things like 'isn't it wonderful', when obviously, the fact that she is pregnant with devil spawn, is not something that should be celebrated? Do I tell her the truth? Because as much as I would not wish to hurt her feelings, I feel as if she should know this is not a good thing before she is startled in eight months or whatever.

Dear Rose,

How are you this fine evening? I hope you are well.

This is quite embarrassing, but the whole point of this is to be open and unguarded. I feel as though I'm in a safe space, so being open is precisely what I'll do. You see, it's been quite a while since I've felt the warm, pleasureful magnificence of a woman's touch. People tend to view me as a nice, unassuming young bloke, but deep down, I'm still a man. I still have manly urges. I don't act upon them, as there are many other things that are on my mind. However, with all the recent pain my friends and I have been going through, I must admit that I've only become more frustrated.

All the same, I don't want to make love to a woman I'm not in love with. That wouldn't be right. But if I do find a special woman to devote myself to, the beast shall be finally freed from its cage. Her body would be laid upon a bed of fragrant rose petals, and together, we'd simply enjoy each other's company.

My question, Miss Rose, is if it's all right for me to feel this way?

Dear Rose,

How, precisely, does one escape to a convent if one wished to?

Alternatively, what is the most efficient way for one to fake the displeasure of an orgasm while said orgasm is occurring?

Most Sincerely,
Unwilling Incubator