Dorcas is torn to pieces (certaindoom) wrote in an_ill_wind, @ 2009-07-13 00:39:00 |
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Entry tags: | - 1980/07 july, dedalus diggle, dorcas meadowes |
Who: Dorcas and Dig
When: Early Monday morning
Where: Dig's house
What: Dig is the bearer of more bad news. :(
Rating: Dorcas's mouth
Status: Completed log
Another long day. Earlier, Edgar had woken up--briefly--but the happiness of that had been dampened by James showing up at Edgar's that evening with Remus, beaten and broken and silver burned. He'd sent for Pepper and did what he could until he'd arrived, but thankfully Pepper's specialty was werewolves. Dig kept him alive, but there were so many intricacies that were just outside of his expertise.
Then, just as he was finishing helping Pepper with Remus, they'd gotten word of an attack on the Burrow, the home of the Weasley family, in which much of the family and both Gideon and Fabian were injured. They'd gone to St. Mungo's for treatment, but it had still been an added stressor for everyone to know two more of their number were hurt. They'd written in the journals requesting help, but Dig had had to instruct James to tell them to go to St. Mungo's. Remus was almost dead, and neither of them could leave at the moment. They simply hadn't had enough healing hands to go around.
The sun was starting to rise, but despite his lack of sleep over the last few days, he somehow wasn't yet tired. He made his way into Dorcas' room. She was asleep, which was what most people were doing at four in the morning, but Dig wasn't most people. He hadn't seen Dorcas since the night before, and he was glad, at least, that one of his patients was making steady progress. He sighed a bit and sat down at her bedside, dropping his head into his hands and just breathing.
He hadn't really come in with the intention to wake her, but now that he was here and he realized they hadn't really spoken since he'd taken her journal from her, and he found himself missing her. He'd grown attached to her, and now he reached out and brushed some of her hair back off of her face gently.
It took a few minutes for Dig's touch and presence to filter through Dorcas's consciousness, through the dreamless sleep potion that kept her nightmares at bay. But she had done little but sleep for the last few days, since her explosion in the journals which left her emotionally drained and even at the ridiculously early hour, she was sleeping lightly. Eventually her eyes fluttered open and she looked up at Dig. A slight smile flickered across her face at his presence, but it quickly turned to a frown as her brain started functioning and she began to process. The room was not light enough for it to be morning and Dig was not exactly in the habit of early morning visits, at least not now that she was mostly recovered.
"What time is it?" she asked blearily as she rubbed at her face and moved to prop herself up on her pillows. "Is everything okay?" With all that had been going wrong lately, the idea that something else had happened to prompt Dig's visit was pretty much the natural conclusion for Dorcas's mind to draw, even if she did not think she could take much else in the way of bad news right now. "Is Ed... okay?" she asked as she looked at Dig with concern and clenched the blanket in her hand.
"Yes. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you," he said softly. "Ed is fine. He's doing well. He woke up today, only briefly."
Dig relaxed against the edge of her bed, propping his head up lazily on one arm, looking at her through sleepy eyes. He hadn't meant to startle her, nor did he want her to worry. He wasn't there with only good news, however. The news about Remus and the twins could wait for a moment, however, while she got her wits about her.
Dorcas's eyes widened and her body noticeably relaxed at Dig's news. Edgar had woken up. And then she felt a flash of annoyance at herself for abandoning her post at his bedside, for missing whatever brief moment of consciousness he had.
"Can I go see him?" she asked, not caring in the slightest that it was some ridiculously early hour of the morning and that it sounded that he had just gone right back to sleep, or unconsciousness or... whatever not awake state he was in. "I want to go see him," she amended giving Dig the best firm resolve face she could manage for being half-awake at four in the morning.
And now came the time to tell her the news about Remus. Dig looked down for a moment as he considered how best to say it. He knew Dorcas was excitable, but still he had never been the sort to sugar coat. He didn't believe in sugar coating, no matter how much he wanted to protect someone from harm. He was a firm believer that one had to face real life, take it as it was, and learn to deal with it. Dig had tried running away, and it only created regrets.
"No, not now. There is too much going on there right now," Dig told her, putting a calming hand on her am. "James showed up with Remus earlier. He's... in pretty rough shape. Tortured. Pepper's with him now."
Dig had seen some pretty terrible things in his career as a healer, but the state Remus had been in... he couldn't believe he used to look up to the Blacks, to the other old, pure families, used to think their ideals were so admirable. He was glad he had learned the error of his ways young.
"But I want..." she began, starting to protest as soon as Dig had said no to visiting Ed. And then he kept talking and Dorcas froze in horror. Remus. Tortured. Even if she did not particularly like him that much (and only because he apparently didn't like her for some unknown reason!) she certainly did not want to see him hurt and...
"Oh god," she gasped, realisation suddenly hitting her. The disadvantage of being without a journal (besides the boredom) was that it also meant she was out of the loop and dependent on Dig for all of her information. Fucking hell, she hadn't even known Remus was missing but... "Was it Sirius?" she asked softly, staring down at the blanket, not sure she actually wanted the confirmation.
"We don't know for sure. He hasn't woken up yet. James said Bellatrix Black contacted him, so now they know he is still alive as well," Dig answered plainly. He took her hand in both of his then, curling his big, warm hands around hers gently. He knew she had been very close with Fabian but that they were currently fighting. He knew Fabian upset Dorcas like very few others, and for that Dig couldn't help but dislike the boy. Still, she needed to know. She'd want to know. "There's more. Are you ready?"
More? Dear God, how much could possibly happen in one night? And she was still fixated on Remus and what she could only assume was her own involvement in getting him hurt. If Bellatrix was involved, it seemed likely that Sirius had been in some way as well, and that meant... That meant she had been the one to send Remus off to get the shite kicked out of him. Didn't it? She couldn't think of any other explanation. She had told him to...
"I think it's my fault," she said quietly as her fingers curled tightly around Dig's, still refusing to meet his gaze. "I told Remus... He was talking about trying to draw Sirius out and he wanted to do it himself and I told him it was a stupid plan and he should take James or someone to help but then I was talking to Sirius that night... the night everything went to hell and Sirius was being... almost nice so I told Remus he should try to lure him out after all. What if... what if I sent him right into a trap?"
"Then he walked into it willingly. Imperius is the only thing that takes away free will, Dorcas. Not any of your well-intentioned comments in the journal," Dig said kindly, taking her response to mean she wasn't quite ready yet to hear the next set of news he had. He just held onto her hand and let her take it all in.
"But if I hadn't told him..." she began, frowning and shaking her head. "Well if I thought he didn't like me before, this isn't..." Another half completed sentence as she almost tried some poor attempt at a wry, bitter joke before thinking better of it. As much as she tended to use humour to deflect, she just did not have it in her now. "Is he going to be okay? And wait... what's the more?" she asked warily, sufficiently distracted from her own guilt to process what Dig had said. She wasn't sure if she was ready - she almost certainly was not, in fact - but that wasn't changing any time soon.
"Remus should make it." Though the words were far from optimistic, Dig managed to summon up a grim smile for Dorcas in the attempt to be comforting, realizing that she wasn't likely in the mood to be placated. Instead, he just squeezed her hand and decided to be honest, hard as it might be for her to hear.
"The Weasley family was attacked. Gideon and Fabian are hurt. We had to send them to St. Mungo's. We didn't have the hands to spare at the moment," Dig said, his words hinting at the shocking extent of Remus' injuries. He knew the twins were likely upset that the Order hadn't been able to assist them, but they could only do so much. Dig hoped sincerely that everyone was okay. It was the worst part about being a healer, not being able to heal everyone. The guilt was something Dig had long since learned to deal with.
Dorcas was just beginning to process the implications of Remus should make it - should rather than will and all the uncertainty that implied - when she was distracted by the rest of Dig's news. Gideon and Fabian. Fucking hell. The news that two more of her closest friends had been hurt on top of everything else that was happening was just too much to bear and Dorcas shook slightly as she wriggled her hands free from Dig's and drew her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them protectively. As if it might help. Ha.
"Wha- How badly?" she asked, looking at Dig with eyes that were beginning to tear up and an expression that pleaded with him to be honest with her. That she wasn't even speaking to Fabian right now was suddenly inconsequential and god, the last time they'd spoken she'd been horrible right back to him but all she could think was that the twins had been her friends almost as long as Ed and now they were all hurt and if this wasn't hell in a fucking handbasket, she didn't know what was.
"I'm sorry, but I don't know the details. Gideon was writing in the journals earlier, so I think he's okay. There was, evidently, a knife in his leg," Dig said calmly, voice even as he explained to her. He watched her curl up on herself and then climbed up onto the bed next to her, settling in and putting one arm casually around her shoulders. Dig had always been a demonstrative man, and Dorcas reminded him a lot of his daughter. He didn't find it uncomfortable to be affectionate towards her, and Dorcas seemed to welcome it. He was better with actions than he ever had been with words, anyway, so he hugged her right to his side. "We would have heard by now if they weren't okay. They must be fine."
No, Dorcas definitely didn't mind Dig's arm around her and she shifted slightly so she could curl up against him instead of around herself. She felt very much like a lost, confused and lonely little girl and Dig's presence did help. It was comforting and he really was becoming something like a father figure to her with all the time they spent together. Preferable to her own father, really. It was funny in a twisted sort of way that she'd always prided herself on being a strong woman, in being damn near indestructible and being able to laugh off most things... Oh sure, she'd always been rather emotionally high strung on top of that, but she was barely able to recognise the needy girl who seemed to spend more time crying and in hysterics than anything else these days. It wasn't the first time that she found herself wondering if maybe she really wasn't cut out for this.
But Gideon was writing and that was something at least. She apparently still had at least one friend who wasn't unconscious, evil or pissed off at her. "Find out for me? In the morning, I mean. Since I'm guessing you probably aren't going to be giving me my journal back now." Not that she was really sure she even wanted it at the moment since that meant facing everyone after her outburst - at least through writing - and she really wasn't sure she was ready for that. "You know I'm just going to obsess until I know for sure that they're okay. God. What the fuck is wrong with the world?"
As she settled in next to him, her small body curled up against his, he began to idly smooth one hand over her hair in what he hoped was a calming gesture. She got so upset, he hated to have to be the one to tell her such news. He had taken away her journal, though, and her calming potions, and certainly he had good reason--he was concerned for her, on a number of levels--but that meant he felt he owed her periodic updates. He didn't want to cut her off from what was going on, just to keep her from unnecessary danger. She couldn't control herself in the journals, and he couldn't let her overdose on calming potions. So, he got to be the bearer of bad news. It was the least he could do.
"I'll find out. First thing. Promise," he assured her softly, and just kept smoothing his hand over her hair. Her last question didn't bear answering. He didn't have an answer for her that would help anyway. Instead he just said, "For now, focus on the fact that Edgar is doing well, and try to go back to sleep."
Dorcas frowned at that, feeling a slight flash of irritation. It wasn't exactly a rational response on her part but really little was these days. "I'm sick of sleeping," she replied stubbornly, almost petulantly, like a small child fighting against nap time. But really she probably had gotten enough sleep over the last month and a half (and god, how had it been that long?) that she was caught up for the rest of the year. At least.
"I'm sick of sleeping and I'm sick of sitting here and not being able to do anything useful while my friends get... fucking picked off one by one. And even when I try they don't really want me helping because you know, I'm the girl who got herself disembowled so clearly I couldn't know what the fuck I'm doing or... Like I'm the only one to ever get their arse kicked. I don't know. I'm probably not making any sense again. I'm just frustrated. I want to fucking do something but I don't even know what." She was definitely letting herself get worked up again and her arms were folded tightly across her chest as she vented her frustration, but she didn't actually move from her comforting spot curled at Dig's side which probably made her ranting seem...well somewhat lessened at least.
Dig couldn't help but smile as she ranted, and he was struck again by how like Meghan she was, or what he remembered of his daughter, anyway. He pressed his smile into Dorcas' hair and squeezed her for a moment, trying not to sound too altogether amused by her--because really, her frustration was not amusing, it was understandable at the same time as it was dangerous--as he said, "I know. I know, love. Tomorrow we'll start focussing more on your physical rehabilitation. All right? We'll get you back on your feet. You're going to hate all the things I'll make you do, though."
"All right," she agreed, feeling at least moderately pacified by Dig's promise. She knew it was likely to be painful and exhausting to do much more than walk around the room, or even the upstairs on the rare occasion that she felt motivated to leave her room (the stairs were still a silently mocking barrier for her) but she was determined. She was done playing the invalid and the fact that her body had apparently not gone right along with her mental decision was beyond annoying.
"Maybe if I'm too busy thinking about what a sadist you are, it'll actually keep my mind off shite too," she admitted, making a half-hearted attempt to be teasing. "Will you duel with me too?" she asked, thinking of Al's comment about training which made her frown again. "When I get to the point where I'm not going to fall over if you sent a strong breeze my way, I mean. I was going to train with Ed but... yeah. I've been reading the books Alice sent - finished them actually - and trying to work a bit on nonverbal spells," and please don't notice that the dresser has been moved a good metre to the right, "but I'd kind of like to not end up back here the day after you let me go. Or... well back in bed anyway. Since the way things are going I think you might have me as a house guest for a while." She actually had been doing pretty well of distracting herself with the thought of duelling practice and what sort of torturous exercises Dig was going to dream up, but there it was again. That nagging, depressing thought that she was running out of friends.
"I would be happy to duel with you, once you are well enough," he said softly, and now laying and relaxing was starting to catch up with his sleep-starved body. He should go downstairs to Veronica, but perhaps in a moment. Right now, he was happy just where he was. "And you are welcome to live here as long as you'd like, whether or not you're healing."
He yawned then, and rubbed his eyes with his free hand, though he still didn't quite have the desire to get up and head down to bed. After a moment, he looked down at her, worry clear on his features. She was so full of life and fury, he was concerned she would burn herself out with it, or perhaps burn herself up. She seemed so angry so often. He understood there was much going on in her life to cause such emotions, but she never seemed to get any better. She never seemed to find any peace. "Are you all right, Dorcas?"
Dorcas tilted her head up, looking slightly surprised at Dig's question, although she couldn't quite crane her neck all the way to meet his gaze and instead found herself looking at his stubbly chin. She and Sirius had a conversation about his stubble once, she remembered sadly. Which was probably a weird thing to be sad about, but god she missed him. She missed him and Ed and fuck, even Fabian.
"No," she replied honestly, looking down again. She wasn't really sure how to explain, but as was her way, she just opened her mouth and let the words come out in some sort of semi-coherent stream of consciousness ramble. "I don't think I've been all right for a while now," she admitted. "Every time things seem like they might actually be getting better... something happens. My flat, Hogsmeade, Sirius, Ed... it's just one thing after another and... I don't know how everyone else just takes it. I know the others probably think I've lost my fucking mind, especially after... last week, but I don't understand how they can all act like everything's okay when our friends are getting almost killed and kidnapped and we haven't done a damn thing." She paused for a moment, actually thinking about what she was saying for once and despite all of her complaints about the Order not doing a thing and being irritatingly calm about everything, really it all boiled down to one thing. "I miss my friends. And I can't keep watching the people I love get hurt."
"Unfortunately, we're in a war. I don't think you have a choice right now, Dorcas," Dig said softly. In the current climate, loved ones being hurt was an unavoidable side-effect of their positions. Being involved in any war was like that. Dig had been through one war already. He'd finished his healer training on the accelerated program, and then jumped right into field work when the fight against Grindelwald had been at the height of intensity. That war had been different. It was more about duelling, about sieges and battlefields, less cloaks and daggers and secrets. Dig had watched many people die, he'd seen some pretty horrible things. It was one of the reasons he'd chosen to leave instead of stay and fight his old friends, but it was also the knowledge of what this could become that had encouraged him to return and help Dumbledore.
Regardless of the knowledge that injuries were inevitable in war, Dig still agreed with some of what she said. "We do need to change something. We need to do something. I agree with you there."
The question was, what? What could they do, or what should they do? Dig had many ideas, but he was not a tactician. He was a healer. He doubted the soundness of his ideas, and he wasn't sure whether he wanted to be responsible for proposing plans that would undoubtedly result in casualties.
"Tonight, however, is not the night we will change the world. It is nearly morning. Perhaps you don't need sleep, but I'm an old man," Dig breathed, kissing her on the side of the head and then extricating himself and getting groaningly to his feet. Much as it pained him to leave her after she had admitted that she wasn't okay, Dedalus knew there was little he could do for her tonight. "I will come see you again when I wake."
What he said was true, but it didn't make it any easier to deal with. She had more than a few moments lately where she'd been almost tempted to run off herself. Just to go... somewhere else. The only thing stopping her was the knowledge that her friends would still be here, fighting. And it wouldn't really fix a damn thing because she'd still be worried about them, even more so if she wasn't around to help and see them and yeah, okay so the running off plan wasn't really a good one.
"Yeah," she replied with a sigh. She wished he'd stay and talk with her some more but she could tell he was exhausted and while it was tempting to be selfish, she didn't really have it in her. Self-absorbed sometimes, sure, but it was never a deliberate thing. "I'm sure I'll still be here," she said wryly as she leaned over the side of the bed and picked up her stuffed dragon and one of the books from the floor. "Bring some more books when you come back? God I can't believe I'm actually asking for books, but you know, since someone took away my only other form of entertainment..."
Dig chuckled tiredly. "Well, someone has no self-control and is going to get herself killed. I will certainly bring more books tomorrow, Dorcas. I will see you in a few hours."
He leaned in and brushed her hair back from her face again, much as he had when he had inadvertently woken her, and smiled tenderly at her before turning and leaving the room. He could tell she would prefer if he stayed, and while he would do a great many things for her, it would not be wise of him not to sleep now while he had the chance. He was already not sleeping as much as he should be.
Pausing momentarily in the doorway, Dig looked back at her and said, "Be good, child. Don't get up to trouble in my absence."