t (alwaysonmytoes) wrote in _fracture_, @ 2014-02-19 10:39:00 |
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Entry tags: | alyssa, chapter 1, edison, the regent hotel |
The Luxury of Daydreaming
Who: Edison & Alyssa
When: Midday
Where: The Throne Room Bar
It was a new day and she was still in the 50s style bedroom she'd gone to sleep in the night before. When nothing happened to help her get home and nothing else of note took place other than meeting Sullivan which was definitely a highlight, she had resigned herself to the fact she had no control over the situation and would simply have to ride it out. It was tempting to let it frustrate her but that was a waste of energy. Instead she ate the breakfast on the room service tray, indulging a little in some butter on her toast and a sugar cube in her tea. She wouldn't let it tug at her and make her feel guilty either, she decided.
Then she took herself downstairs to the lovely ballroom she'd seen. She'd put on gray tights and a gray leotard and tied a soft white wrap skirt around her middle. Her white slippers weren't on her feet until she got to the ballroom and sat to tie them on. Once she was all set, she slid a CD of Tchaikovsky into her laptop and began warm ups, one hand on a rail that surrounded part of the dance floor. And promptly lost herself in dancing, cleansing her mind of the frustrations and fears surrounding being trapped in this place.
Edison had talked to Ella for a while wandering with her before splitting off and letting his own mind take him where it wanted. The music caught his attention, something he hadn't heard before, which meant he was following it, ducking into the ballroom. Seeing her there, that slowed him completely, leaning against the wall and watching. For all his knowledge on other things, he didn't know a thing about ballet beyond tights, tutus and shoes. And beautiful women apparently. So sure, most guys wouldn't care about the stories or the whatever drew women to the ballet, but he knew standing here watching her dance, that he liked this much at least.
Alyssa wished there was a mirror with which to critique her own technique but there wasn't. And maybe that was for the better anyway if she thought about it. Maybe it meant there was no instructor's voice in her mind telling her to turn out or suck in her ribs. She could just enjoy it and float mindlessly away from all the negative emotions tied to her situation. She was prepared to spend several hours at it when suddenly she thought she saw something as she performed a fouetté, twirling with one leg at an angle toward the other and faltered back onto it with a gasp, catching sight of Edison. "Oh my gosh! You startled me," she said with a little laugh, hand to her heart. "I didn't know anyone was standing there."
Edison's natural reaction was to move forward a few steps when she faltered, like he might be able to catch her or something, but that was more who he was and not something feasible since there was still space between them. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. I can go." That was probably rude anyway, just dropping in on her practicing and Edison instantly felt back about it, dodging eye contact and adjusting the strap of his bag on his shoulder.
Alyssa put a hand up toward him when he seemed to move forward to help her. She was okay, her expression meant to reassure him. "Oh, no, I don't mind. You kind of can't be a ballerina without people watching you dance," she said with a shrug. She was used to being on exhibition and handling it graciously. "I just thought I was alone is all. Though," she said, pushing through a wave of misgiving, "it's kind of nice to have company in this place." Which was true. When she'd been with Sullivan it had been so much easier to stomach what was happening. Getting lost in dancing was a pale second.
"You were, I just walked in and couldn't help but watch." Edison smiled a little. "You're very good. Not that I would really know one way or another, but it looked beautiful, which I suppose is the goal right?" he asked. "I understand though, about having company. "It's nice right? Makes it seem less like something out of a horror flick."
Alyssa flushed slightly at the compliment. "Thank you. That's really nice to hear," she said truthfully because it was far better than what she'd said to herself in the past. "It's definitely the goal to be graceful and fluid. Beautiful." She nodded, folding her hands in front of her. Her eyes rounded a little, going slightly wide when he mentioned a horror film. She looked around at the lavish but outdated setting and thought of what else she'd seen and experienced and decided he was probably spot on where horror was concerned. She'd definitely been feeling a low level of it in the back of her mind since the first time she tried to leave and ended up in someone's room. "It does. If I think about it, this place kind of has me wanting to burrow under covers and not come out. But that doesn't help one live life, does it?" she mused.
"Well at least I got that much right," Edison said with a small smile. He tucked his hands into his back pockets, not sure what else to do with them otherwise. "No that would make it hard to do much of anything. Though despite the situation I haven't see much else that's all that scary." He shrugged. For the most part the place looked like a normal hotel and just out of a different century.
Alyssa smiled a warmly at him and nodded. "You did, but what didn't you get right?" she asked, wondering what he'd meant by "at least that much." It felt strange to have this conversation with the amount of space between them so she moved toward him, her stride unconsciously as graceful and fluid as her dancing. "There are plenty of things that can be done under the covers," she said, thinking reading and writing by flashlight, things she'd done quite a lot of her entire life. Her eyes went immediately wide and she clapped her hands over her mouth. "That was not meant to be suggestive," she said between her fingers.
Edison shook his head. "Nothing yet. It was more of the fact that I know that much about dancing and I got that much right." His own eyes widened at her comment, not used to anyone being suggestive in his general direction, but as she realized her error he eased, thumb running over his lower lip to keep from laughing. "It's okay. Though it is accurate," he told her.
Her smile stayed in place as he spoke, understanding what he meant. "The mechanics of dance can be complicated but the enjoyment of it doesn't have to be." She kept her hands over her mouth for a moment longer before folding her arms across her chest sort of protectively holding herself in. "I meant reading and writing with a flashlight," she said, her face turning crimson. That was one of the problems of letting go. She discovered the filter that was usually in place was very lax and she wasn't thinking enough before she spoke. At least he didn't seem offended.
Edison nodded. "Well of course the physics are complicated, though I'm guessing you mean the steps and technique." He bit at his lower lip for a moment before nodding. "Yes that as well. All of it really. All useful and fun." He was a hard person to offend really, provided someone wasn't insulting his intelligence or drive.
Alyssa's brows raised a hair, recognizing precision when she heard it. "Yes, steps and technique. And only certain body types are even equipped to make the shapes or dance the steps properly." He'd drawn attention to his mouth a couple times now and it had Alyssa studying his face. He was almost pretty which was probably why she'd noticed his mouth at all. Usually when she spoke with guys there was very little recognition of their features. It had her biting her own lip thoughtfully. "Useful and fun," she echoed with a slow nod. "I guess I hadn't given much thought to the usefulness of anything done in bed other than sleeping. Though I suppose you're right."
"Right, not my body type," Edison said, sure that was the case. Now her type...well it was hard not to stare. Especially dressed like she was. But Eidson kept his eyes where they belonged, running his fingers through his hair. "Oh definitely useful. There's clinical studies on that much, benefits and all that."
Alyssa lowered her eyes toward his body the way she would any of her students to assess their potential. "I don't know. It's entirely possible but it is quite difficult for a person to pick it up in adulthood. Not impossible, but you'd have to really want to," she said, meeting his eyes again. Now that was interesting. She did know that there were health reasons men needed to do those things, you couldn't exist in this world without being aware of that, but were there health reasons women did too? She felt a sudden burst of curiosity which probably registered on her face but the part of her that needed to be proper had her clamping her jaws shut before she asked him to expound. "I can imagine those must be um insightful," she said simply.
"i don't think I want to enough. I'm more...bookish." Which was honest. He'd been an athlete and was in good shape, but not that kind of shape and it had never meant all the much to him like it did to his brother. He just did it to blow off extra energy. "Insightful is probably one word for it. I'd think most of the time it's justification for behaving on impulses and urges, but we all have our reasons. Not that those are mine...but for others."
"Oh?" she asked since she was rather bookish herself. "What sort of bookish? I mean, what sort of books?" She was becoming a little annoyed with herself for not being able to communicate properly. Half the time she was almost asking rude question and the other half flubbing words. "You don't behave on impulses or urges? I mean, in general," she qualified, not wanting to sound like she was asking about his sex life. That wasn't her business. Nothing about him really was but she was curious.
"All sorts of books. I work at a library," Edison clarified. "So rule out...really trashy romances and I think I've covered it all." Not that he hadn't read more than one romance that the women around him seemed to be interested in, but it wasn't a habit. He chuckled a little at her question then shook his head. "I guess not. Kind of a nerd really." Though he hardly looked the part he knew he had the attitude for it.
"Oh how fun. I love the library. One day I'd like to write something that ends up in the library," she offered though she wasn't sure why. She gave him a confused look. "Wait, really? With your face and - ?" she asked impulsively but drew out the last word instead of continuing her thought as she realized what she was doing and began to shake her head. Who was she to talk anyway? She hadn't even thought about urges of any sort in years.
"I love the library too" he agreed with a smile considering he worked there. "Are you a writer?" he asked, amused that he was finding them in spades at this rate. He raised an eyebrow at her. "My face? And what?" he asked, curious what she meant by that.
"I would hope so since it's your job," she said, but then again, who was she to talk? She didn't really like her job even if she was good at it. "I dabble in it. It's not what I want it to be." She was far too perfectionistic and so it was taking forever to work through. That and the subject matter got her stomach in knots at times. She shook her head at his question. "I mean, by anyone standards, you're very attractive. For a nerd," she said awkwardly though truthfully. Even she could appreciate his looks.
"What did you want it to be?" Edison asked since that was a curious question or comment. "Attractive for a nerd. That's a new one. I don't hear that one much." He smiled a little and shrugged. "I guess...well just not an impulsive guy unless it's my hair or upsetting my parents."
Alyssa thought for a moment. What had she wanted it to be? "Honest. Brutal. Messy. Ugly. Beautiful. Cathartic. Healing," she said, avoiding his eyes as she said it. She laughed softly at his take on what she'd said about his attractiveness. "You're… pretty," she said. "Not many pretty people are nerds. That's all I meant." She was really digging herself in over here wasn't she? She needed to change the subject because her inability to say the right thing was becoming disconcerting. "I uh… what's your take on why we're here?"
"Usually it is that. All of that," Edison said. "I wonder why it wasn't for you." That was an interesting thing. "It's fine," he said, shaking his head. "I think the nerds are changing. We're not all pocket protectors and thick rimmed glasses." He could see she was changing the subject though and went with it. "My take? I'm not sure. Something weird that's for sure. Something out of our control beyond that."
"I can't stop myself from editing as I write. Or so I was told was my problem." Which was partly right. The other part, the lion's share of the blame, fell solely on the subject matter and how she still wasn't sitting well with it. She wondered if she ever would. She shook her head and said, "No, clearly not." She lifted one hand to indicate him with a small smile. "True enough. I would never have chosen to randomly appear in some man's bedroom when trying to leave if I had any control over this." She laughed a little with the embarrassment of the moment fresh in her mind. "Do you think it's purgatory?"
"Maybe you need someone to help you out," Edison suggested. "An editor or a writing coach or something," he added. "I'm glad I can defeat the odds." Though he wasn't really one to dwell in his looks. Sure he wasn't ugly, but he wasn't getting lost in it. Not right now. "Did you randomly appear in someone's bedroom? That must have been curious." He looked around them then shrugged. "I suppose it could be. I'm not sure what I believe in though it does have that ‘holding pattern' feeling of purgatory doesn't it? Especially if you believe in a purgatory that is like that and not like something more full of a different brand of torture."
Alyssa gave him a guarded look. "I don't know if I could ever let anyone see it. Which I guess defeats the purpose of wishing I could publish it." She sighed. When he asked about appearing in someone's bedroom, she nodded looking a bit flustered. "He was a musician or something I think. He was very polite about it even if I did manage to get him to scream. Like a girl," she said, halfway to mortified. She probably deserved purgatory. "I don't know if I believe in it either but yes, it has the 'holding pattern' feel as you say. There's an indefiniteness to it but as though something large were looming over at the same time."
That made Edison laugh, thinking of making some guy scream like a girl. "I'd probably be surprised too, but not scream. Too nice of a view." Look that that. He could flirt somewhat. "So I guess it all depends on what's waiting for us. If that changes anything."
Alyssa almost giggled at the memory now, feeling a little less embarrassed. "I would never have expected a scream like that to come out of anyone of the male persuasion and, what?" she asked, pausing mid-thought as she realized what he'd said. "Oh. Oh, thank you." She smiled, suddenly realizing she hadn't introduced herself properly or gotten his name. Nevertheless he was definitely a guy her mother would approve of her bringing home. Longish hair notwithstanding. "I hope we find out soon. The not knowing is kind of difficult. And I'm Alyssa," she said, extending a slender hand because that was what you did.
Edison nodded as she got what he was saying, smiling a little with it. When she offered her hand he held out his as well, taking hers. "Edison. Nice to meet you."
Alyssa shook his hand firmly and then pulled hers gently back. "Edison. It's nice to meet you too," she said genuinely. As odd as the conversation had felt to her thus far, the oddity was internal in her. He was good company and since they'd begun talking she hadn't had any horror movie feelings. "What would a writing coach or editor do?" she asked, her mind going back to what he'd said.
Edison considered that then answered. "An editor would let you just get the story out. That way you write and don't worry as much about the grammar and details until someone else goes through it and then they fix all that. A writing coach I imagine would work with you getting the story out. Recording it first, maybe just talking through it, that sort of thing."
"Would… would the writing coach need to know what the story was about? Or could they coach just generally?" she asked, musing over plans for when she finally got out of this place. She could afford it financially but could she afford it emotionally? Well… maybe if it was a complete stranger who didn't know anything about her and wouldn't judge. That would definitely have to be a rule.
He considered that then shrugged. "Maybe. I'd think yes. Why are you so timid to share the story? Worried someone might steal the ideas?"
Alyssa bit her lower lip, considering whether or not to tell him exactly what her issue with sharing it was. In the end it was because he was a stranger that she said anything. "Because it's about things I don't want anyone in my life knowing I think about."
"That dark?" Edison asked, but he had a small smile with it. "I think if the people in our lives found out what we actually think about they would be surprised. We all have secrets."
Alyssa shook her head. "No, not dark. No, it's not that. But my family would never accept it. They'd disown me like they disowned my brother for wanting to paint houses for the poor." She looked at him curiously. "Pretty nerds have secrets?" she asked impulsively.
"Oh?" Edison asked, considering that. "So you want to know what I think? I think you should do what makes you happy. Parents be damned. And I should know." He'd made his parents hate him more than once with his choices, though they'd never disowned him, he knew he wasn't their favorite. It happened with the middle child. "Of course we do."
"I think that if I ever do write this book, I need to pay homage to pretty, secretive, nerds," she said, sort of feeling grateful for his words and encouragement. "It's really hard to think about being disowned though. I don't think I could support myself if I was. I'm not really good at anything but dancing." Her statement was just that, a statement, never one to ask for sympathy.
"We would appreciate it." Edison smiled and shook his head. "I doubt that. From what I know about dancers is that most of them haven't had a chance to try much of anything else. I'm sure there's plenty of things you're good at that you haven't even had a chance to try.
Alyssa ducked her head with a little smile then nodded. She almost wanted to ask him to tell her a secret but she was afraid that he'd ask her to share one of hers and she really only had one. She held out her hands. "Well, but, I mean… look at these hands. They've never done any sort of work a day in their lives. I'm not even sure what else I'd want to do." Not that she really wanted to dance either.
He reached for her hand when she referenced it and held it between his hands. "I suppose not, but they could do plenty of things. You should think about what you like. If it's dance, you could teach or if it's writing or speaking or whatever it is, do that." He smiled at her and squeezed her hand.
When he took her hand she was slightly surprised. It only registered on her face in the minutest of twitches around her mouth. She knew she should like being touched by Edison. Should probably feel a flutter in her tummy because he really was gorgeous. There should be weakness in her knees. Why didn't she have that? Her cheeks turned pink for some reason anyway. "I do teach already but it's not enough to support myself if I ever had to do it as my sole income. Speaking. Oh boy. I have no imagination, do I?" she said sheepishly, feeling comforted when he squeezed her hand.
"I never said that," he said smiling a little at the blush on her cheeks. "But I think I'm going to give you homework. Make a list of things you think about when you're not dancing. Where your mind wanders too. That's how you figure out what else you'd like to do."
Alyssa was suddenly aware that he'd been holding her hand longer than she should have let properly let him. She gently disengaged her hand and played with the edge of her skirt. She liked the idea of homework and the homework he gave her could be inspirational. But where her mind wandered to? "I never do that. Or. Or, I haven't let myself do that too much in the past. Maybe your homework should include an exercise in letting my mind wander as well," she said, ever willing to learn technique.
Edison looked surprised. "You don't day dream?" he asked, not expecting that. Everyone daydreamed didn't they? "If you want to practice that, do it before you go to sleep. That's the easiest, let your mind think about whatever when you're laying there, barely awake? That's the best for it."
She looked sheepish again. "No, I kind of schedule my time so completely that I don't have time to think too much and I exercise so much that I'm usually sleeping as my head hits the pillow." It had been that way since high school. "Never thought I'd have to be taught how to daydream. That's kind of embarrassing."
"It's not embarrassing," he said shaking his head. "But you can figure it out. I promise. I know you can." He smiled again and nodded. "Try just...relaxing. Thinking about something that makes you smile and go from there." He hesitated for a moment. "You want to try now?"
Alyssa hesitated before nodding. "Okay, I think I could try now. I probably want to sit down, right?" she asked. She moved a foot or two away and settled, folding her legs easily to the side and resting on one arm. "This is so strange," she said though she was definitely not complaining, rather she was smiling.
He watched her then reached for her hand, pulling her with him. "Come on," he said taking her to the middle of the dance floor. "Lay down," he instructed. "On your back." He went back to the laptop and shut her music off then set his own bag down to join her. "Alright. So. Something that makes you smile."
Alyssa's eyes went slightly wide and she giggled softly. "Oh, okay." She went with him but then looked at him pitifully. "Nooo. You want me lay down?" She looked down at the floor, not sure why laying down made her hesitant other than it seemed improper. Well to heck with improper. "Oh alright," she said and carefully got down on the ground, stretching out and making sure her skirt covered her appropriately. She folded her hands against her stomach and closed her eyes. The only thing her mind was on though was where Edison was and was he thinking she was silly laying there like this? "It's not working yet."
"Because you're not telling me what you're thinking." He tucked his arms behind his head and rolled his head to the side to see her face. "What makes you smile. Tell me."
She hadn't expected to hear his voice so close to her. He'd laid down beside her? She peeked over at Edison with one eye and then settled back, feeling even more odd but not in a negative way. She searched her mind. "Hot chocolate on a snow day….. The perfect bite of salad…. Reading by firelight….. " She made a face. "None of those are marketable though."
"We aren't on marketable yet," Edison pointed out. "We are on things that make us smile. Though that salad made your list is weird." He was teasing and it was evident in his voice. "Reading by firelight is nice. Give me something else."
"Ohh but if you roast beets and caramelized onions and peppers - all three colors - and add them to wilted greens. Peas, pine nuts, carrots. My mouth is watering. Homemade balsamic. It's really good and utterly guilt free. Unless you add goat cheese which I do every once in a while." She smiled widely at the thought even though she knew he'd been teasing her. She let her mind leave the salad. "Ummm sleeve tattoos," she said finally, not exactly sure where it had come from and giggled.
"That sounds disgusting," Edison said with a laugh. Though the last comment had him raising an eyebrow, laughing at little. "Sleeve tattoos on guys or girls?" Because he liked them on some girls. "What else?"
Alyssa elbowed him. "It's delicious. I don't often get to enjoy what I eat." She thought about his question. "Both, I guess? They're so colorful and representative of who the person wearing it." She thought some more about what made her smile. "Guy Fieri's hair, um plays on Broadway. Pretty things." She paused for a long moment. "Being in love."
"Something you'd enjoy should be a double cheeseburger," he said shaking his head. Edison had been about to ask her about what a pretty thing was, but then she said the last one and he looked at her raising an eyebrow. "Being in love with whom?"
Alyssa shook her head. "Not a chance. If I even look at a cheeseburger…" she trailed off feeling the twinge that she always got when she was on the verge of needing to purge. She was so distracted by that sensation and the tears of frustration that were threatening that she simply answered him without thinking. "Natalie." As soon as it was out of her mouth she stood up fast. "I uh, this was a bad idea. I need to go." She looked around her like she was lost and then spotted her laptop, heading toward it.
Natalie. Not the answer Edison was expecting, but the moment she got up, he was up to, not graceful, but with an ease that said he knew his body. "It's not a bad idea," he said, following. "You know it doesn't matter who you love right? If anyone says differently they're misguided. That's a good thing to daydream about."
"Believe me, Edison, it matters," she said, looking down at her slippers, more than a little unhappy about her lack of ability to accept even herself. She shook her head and reached for her laptop. "This really… I shouldn't have. I just…" Want to be happy. Wish I could just like you, it would be so much easier. Want to disappear into the floor. "That's the reason I don't allow myself the luxury of daydreaming."
"It doesn't. I can promise you that. I don't know much about dancing, but I know a little about life and I know that's true." Edison hated that she didn't think she could just let herself be who she was. "Then all the more reason why you should Alyssa. It's important."
"No, it's not. Even if it was okay, she's gone. Has been for years. And it's my fault. And I can't do this." She was shaking at this point, feeling cold and extremely stuck. She did not want to be doing this in front of someone else. Did not want to look weak like this. She left her laptop where it was and stood still, wilted, because she couldn't will herself to do anything else or else she was going to burst into tears. She just needed to
breathe.
Edison watched her for a moment, then did something slightly irrational. He stepped forward and pulled her into a hug. "It's okay even if she is gone. And you'll find someone else." What did he know really, he'd never been in love, but he'd been with people he'd felt strongly about before and even though it ended, Edison had hope that he wouldn't wind up completely alone.
At any other time, Alyssa might have felt uncomfortable to be hugged. When Edison put his arms around her she put hers around him and fairly clung to him, hiding her face against his shoulder. She was still shaking, struggling to get herself back under control. She was wound so tightly that this little bit of threat to her control, telling a perfect stranger something that he hadn't judged her for, had her nearly at a breaking point. She shook her head at his words.
"Hey, don't shake your head at me," he told her rubbing her back lightly. "I'm right. You know that." He squeezed her, not caring that she was clinging to him, not when she might need it.
Alyssa swallowed hard several times, shook her head again, and then loosened her arms around him some. "It feels impossible." She lifted her face then to look at him. They were almost the same height so she didn't have to crane her neck. "You know?"
"Technically, no. But I've heard it feels that way. But people survive it all the time. You too. If you can dance like that? You can survive heartache and fall in love again." Edison liked that he sounded like he knew what he was talking about since he really didn't, but he figured he was close to right. People did survive heartache all the time.
Edison did sound like he knew what he was talking about. For normal people. For people who weren't stuck the way she was. "I can't fall in love again because I'm not okay with it. I wish I could just fall in love with you," she said. Then stepped back, putting her hand over her mouth again with a sigh, shaking her head. "I kind of just meant that generally. You being a guy and all."
Now it was Edison's turn to blush a little and run his hand over the hair on the base of his neck. "Well I'm no good for falling for anyway. I barely sleep and guys are generally pretty smelly," he offered. "Why aren't you okay with it?"
Alyssa nodded. "I know. I have a brother. His room always smelled like death. I still loved him. Still love him," she said with a small laugh. "I'm sure you're perfect for falling for. Barely sleeping and being smelly - which you aren't right now, by the way - aren't good enough reasons. I think you probably know that." Considering all he'd been saying to her, she knew that had to be true. "Because of what I was saying before. My parents would never accept it." She sighed shakily.
Edison nodded. "Then fuck 'um." That was it, plain and simple. "It's their loss for not loving you for who you are. I drive my parents insane. My hair, my music, that I own a skateboard, that I work in a library and that I'm not some doctor even though I'm smart enough to be one, all of that. It makes them nuts, but they love me. The have perfected the exasperated sigh, but they love me. No matter what. So if you're parents can't love you and can't love your brother? Fuck ‘um."
Alyssa shook her head. "It's not that simple. I've never been without family. I've never had to provide for myself. I've … I can't be more alone than I already feel. I'm not strong enough." She really wasn't. Fragile, wound too tight, eating disordered. If she added the empty void of no parents and no support she didn't think she'd survive.
He shook his head. "I think you don't give yourself enough credit." He held her shoulders lightly, watching her eyes. "But okay. Maybe we don't tell the family to fuck off right away, but they're not here right? So take some time to figure out who you are. What you like. Then maybe you'll feel better about it."
"Ohhhh," she said and bit her thumb briefly, looking away. "You don't know how close I came to going wet tissues on you a minute ago." She shook her head, feeling the edges start to disintegrate and wrapping her arms around herself to hold it in. "I don't know what I like. I never had time to notice others. Sometimes I think the only reason we fell in love was because we were best friends for years and the lines blurred somewhere along the way. Then I ruined it. But you're right. They aren't here, my family."
"I wouldn't have been mad at you if you cried," Edison pointed out, though he might not have known what to do there. Crying girls wasn't really a thing he understood. "That's like fifty percent of people that fall in love. So it's not some freak thing that happened. There are countless books written about that same story." He smiled a little and nodded. "They aren't here. So...figure out who you are. And we'll work from there."
"I would have been mad at me if I cried," she said with another shaky sigh. She frowned slightly, thinking on what he was saying. It had occurred to her to wonder over the years if she ever found herself allowing it for even the briefest moment if she hadn't created this whole situation in her own mind. Maybe she only loved Natalie because she was Natalie and not because she was a girl. Maybe she wasn't this big scary thing she couldn't accept and neither could her parents. That wasn't how it worked though, right? It wasn't escaping her that he'd said "we" more than once. "You… you know you don't have to…" She twisted a palm upward close to her chest, indicating herself. He didn't have to do the "we" thing.
"No, I know I don't. But hey, if I can help, I should right?" Edison said, smiling a little .more. "Practice the daydreaming, what makes you happy. Don't judge yourself, just enjoy it." He squeezed her shoulders again then went to get her things for her and hand them to her.
Well, on the bright side, she wasn't afraid of being here anymore. That was good, wasn't it? "Thank you for making this feel more like a tragic comedy than a horror movie," she said, taking her things from him. Gosh, she was pathetic but she also felt like perhaps she'd made a friend of sorts. Some moral support was always a good thing. She wondered if he truly meant he would help or if he was hoping she'd take her crazy and wander away. Either way, he'd helped her. Set her mind in motion, something she never would have done on her own.
"Any time," Edison said. "Next stop after that is romantic comedy right?" He thought tragic wasn't a word he wanted associated with how she was feeling and it was best to find a way to improve on that if possible.
Alyssa bit her tongue. She wondered if he'd seen many of those. Half of them seemed to invariably be about friends with benefits and the other half seemed to be about friendships where one was gay and the other falls in love with them. Neither were what she wanted in her life. Well, maybe the first one if she could bring herself to calm down. She shrugged. "I guess we'll see. As long as it doesn't turn thriller or action. I'm not equipped," she said and tried to laugh a little.
That made Edison laugh and nod. "I'm not either," he admitted. At least they wouldn't be alone in that. He touched her shoulder again gently. "Promise is going to be okay."
Alyssa gave him a wan smile, appreciating his touch once again as it calmed her. She put one hand over his lightly for a moment and nodded. "Okay. I'll choose to believe you," she said and hugged her laptop to her chest. Her feet would murder her on her way back to her room but she didn't want to stop to take them off. Instead she danced a little on her way away from him.
Edison stayed where he was, not wanting to push her any more than he already had, but the little dance got a smile out of him as he watched her leave. Hopefully she'd be okay and he was right. It was too sad to think of someone so upset with themselves and who they were that they acted like she did. As she left he waved, smile still there, reassuring as ever.