who: Ren & Fen when: August 16, after this. where: Fen's room, Physical Cottage. What: Ren goes to air frustrations, which morphs into him explaining at least a bit of what is going on. warnings: Domestic arguing, nothing horrifically out of line. Kylo Ren acting immature. The usual. status: COMPLETE.
Kylo Ren's jaw was tight as he stared at the words. He'd written ten different variations of a response, and none of them felt right. None of them captured the breadth of emotions that were currently tugging in his core, and he could feel Fen elsewhere in the Cottage, and it occurred to him that maybe it was ridiculous to have this conversation this way when they were both here. He stood up, walked towards the door, and then turned, and walked right back across and sat back down to stare at Fen's words.
The idea that Fray might have done something that might put her in Luke's sight - because he didn't really trust his mother to have not said something about her - just to impress him settled like vinegar or acid, and he hated the idea of it. He was willing to admit that he'd made a mistake, and willing to tell Fray not to do anything else, but all of the rest of it. He punched the pillow, and stood up again, this time leaving the room and going in search of Fen whose presence was bright, if obviously irritated.
"I'll apologize to my mother, but I'm not going to make Fray apologize for what was my mistake in the first place." He started talking really before he'd even gotten her attention, the words just flowing out mid-thought, as he stepped in, a new found intimacy making him not even worry about knocking, but being there didn't cease motion, and he turned instead to pace back. "If the only thing my mother is worried about is him 'running off', then I say good-riddance, and I only wish there was space travel so it could be to the other end of the galaxy, which would still not be far enough away for my preference!"
Fen was seated on the bed. She had, before arriving in Tumbleweed, mostly given up on the idea of having a family. But now, she had more family members than she’d ever dreamed of. She took all threats to her family serious, whether it was mere in-fighting or a more serious threat.
She set the tablet down next to her on the bed and stared up at Ren with a frown, watching him pace, waiting for him to finish before she spoke.
“I don’t like that he’s here either,” Fen started. She was trying to be calm. When it came to Fray she tended to leap directly into angry, protective mode. “But speaking from experience, there are certain things you do to mitigate risk. Don’t call attention to yourself unless you have to. Be in the good graces of those who can help you. Fray called attention to herself, and when your mother brought it to our attention it would have been easy enough to say thank you and we’ll talk to her.”
"That is what I said," Kylo turned around and stared at her. "And I did talk to her. We were texting and I told her I didn't want her to do anything else with Luke. It's been taken care of."
Fen huffed and then picked up the tablet, reading Kylo’s words to his mother back to him: “Did Fray send them? There's only a planet, he can't run that far. You didn't answer my question. Believing, and having evidence of are different things.”
Fen put the tablet down and stared back at Kylo, unamused.
"She's my mother," he grumped at her, pointing a finger in her direction. "And I'm not wrong - there is only a planet, he can't run that far, and she's taking his side. Of course she is."
“What was she supposed to say? Good job, everyone! Sending texts to my dangerous, unstable brother who tried to kill my son once was a really great call!” Fen glared. She did not like that finger pointed at her one bit. “Well sorry, Ren! Eliot and I don’t have mothers. Not here, not back home, Fray only gets one grandmother so sorry if I want them to have a nice relationship built on love and respect!”
"So it was stupid!" Kylo snapped. The fact that yes, it had been stupid, and yes, he'd probably been foolish to not outright discourage Fray, followed by a twinge of guilt that he'd even found the entire thing amusing at all, all swirled together and just made him more irritable. That Fen might be right, was only fuel in his frustration. "But they'll be fine! Fray wasn't trying to cause trouble, and Leia has dealt with far worse from me."
These words came out in a rush, and even as they landed in the room between him and Fen, he was reminded that Fen had no idea what that worse was, and… "I don't even think mother knows he tried to kill me, so she's not going to see him as dangerous or unstable. I'm the dangerous and unstable one." This came out with more bitterness than he really intended or was even fair. Fen didn't know, and that was on him, not on her, and that reminder of his failing didn't really help him feel better either. His hands dropped to his side, and he breathed out in a frustrated sigh. "My family is a complete mess, Fen. You aren't going to fix them with an apology and a nice dinner. That's not how this works."
Fen frowned, her expression softened slightly.
“Ren?” she started. “What do you want? I will support you, no matter what that is. If you want your mother in your life or not, or if you’re not even certain yet. I was just under the impression that this was something you wanted and the way you were speaking to her was not going to help that.”
Fen wasn't wrong, and despite the irritated set to Kylo's jaw, he knew that. He sighed again, but then his gaze flickered up to her face, and his expression relaxed slightly, frustration ebbing with the expression of loyalty. Fen was trying to help. So was Eliot. Kylo wasn't stupid, he could see that, just neither of them entirely understood everything and he'd felt backed into a corner. He shook his head.
"I should have told Fray more specifically not to contact him and I'm sorry that I didn't." This was the honest truth, sincerity reflected in the gaze he gave Fen. "I don't want her to get hurt."
There was a heartbeat and then he pulled in a breath. "Mother is complicated. And it's not your fault you don't know all of it. That's mine, because I don't like talking about it." He paused, frowning. "I do want her in my life. But I'm afraid that may not be possible now. I don't know." That was part of it wasn't it? It felt like his mother was defending his Uncle, and he couldn't tell her the truth, and yet now he had to deal with all of it.
“It was just a prank,” Fen said. “A stupid prank that thankfully didn’t appear to go any further than that. Nothing bad has happened. If you want her in your life, we will make it possible. But,” Fen cautioned him, “we could try to be a little more diplomatic? While things are complicated?”
Fen sat on the edge of the bed and patted the empty space next to her for him to sit.
"I'm not good at diplomatic," Ren muttered, but he followed her suggestion, crossing the room to sit down next to her.
"Luke was my teacher," he told her quietly. "He was the Jedi where I come from, and he was the only person who knew how to use the Force, like the Jedi did. Mother sent me to stay with him at his school, so that he could teach me how to use the Force, and…" he trailed off, it felt like he needed to start so much further back. Maybe now wasn't even the time. He reached for her hand and wrapped his fingers around hers.
"Before I was born my Grandfather, Anakin Skywalker, was a Jedi, a really powerful one, but he turned away from the Jedi Order, began to use the Dark Side of the Force, and follow Sith teachings to help a man named Palpatine overthrow the Republic and turn it into an Empire. Mom was adopted into the Alderaanian royal family, and she was raised by them. She fought to end the Empire, and she hates the Dark Side. When I was young I used to feel like she was afraid of me using the Force. But it's like magic, it's just part of who I am."
Fen could follow some of the conversation. Ren had his own version of magic, as far as Fen could tell. Luke was his uncle and his teacher. That made sense. And his mom was worried because of his grandfather’s use of dark force magic. She was pretty sure she understood the important parts and nodded along.
She gave his hand a squeeze, encouraging him to go on.
Ren was pretty certain he was going to forget something. Unlike Eliot who both knew briefly the story of his parents fight against the rebellion, and something of his grandfather, and who had gotten other bits and pieces in small doses, Fen really didn't have any knowledge whatsoever. And maybe that should have made it easier, but he didn't know that it did.
"I didn't know a lot of this," he said finally, because that had been important too. "When I was young, I knew that I had the Force. I'd have nightmares, sometimes, dark dreams, and they were terrifying. I knew that they worried my mother, because I could feel that. It's like - it's not as strong as Penny's telepathy magic - but when I'm close to people in the Force, I can frequently pick up on those emotions some, sort of a sixth sense is the easiest way to describe it - and it's more true when they're also Force sensitive like my mom is. I knew she was worried, and sometimes I could feel her being afraid, but I didn't know why. It felt like she was afraid of me.
"I didn't find out that grandfather was Darth Vader until I was older. Much older. At Luke's. And then I found out because the entire galaxy found out. Someone dropped it while she was running for a position in the Republic and…" he stopped. At one time he would have been angry and hurt about this. He had been to Eliot before even when they first spoke about it, but mostly at the moment he just felt weary. He could trace the lines he'd taken, the paths he'd chosen, and could see how they'd made sense to him at the time, and how he could have done better. He could have completely disregarded everything Luke gave him and he could have still done better. "At the time it hurt, and I was angry about it. I felt like everyone saw me as a threat then, including Luke.
"The only person who didn't was a man named Snoke that I'd see in my dreams, and sometimes I felt like I heard my Grandfather talking to me as well. I had Skywalker blood, and I was destined to rule the galaxy," this came out slightly jaded. "Luke continued to watch me. I felt like he wanted to limit my powers and my ability, not truly teach me. One night I woke up and I found him over me with a lightsaber in his hand and I knew he intended to kill me. I fought back, and I destroyed his temple, and anyone who wouldn't go with me, and I left for Snoke. That was a mistake. But I had to go somewhere, and Luke had tried to kill me. I wasn't safe there. I don't know if Mother even knows what happened that night. I talked to her briefly and I got the impression she didn't. And I -" he shrugged. "I should tell her, but I don't think I can. She carries enough."
Fen brought his clasped hand up to her lips and kissed it. There were any number of snap decisions she wanted to make— of course he should tell his mother! —she would make sure Luke never had another chance to hurt a single member of her family!
But what stopped her was Ren. “I’m glad you told me,” she said. Fen gave his hand another squeeze. She didn’t know who Snoke was or why following him was a mistake. What mattered was who Ren was now and how he reconciled with his past. Fen cared about who he was, but sensed the reconciliation of his past was ahead of him.
“You have Eliot and I with you. Whatever you choose to do, we’ll be right here.”
He brought his gaze up to her face, and then he followed that with raising his free hand to touch her cheek. "It's not all of it, Fen, there's more, but maybe another time. The point is, that I've disappointed my mother more than once. And we still have differences of perspective where the Force is concerned, probably, and what we would do with the galaxy back home. I've been trying to pretend those problems don't exist here, but. We don't agree. A lot."
For a heartbeat he considered what, if anything else, he should try to tell her of the rest of it. Finally he leaned forward, brushing his lips against hers. "I don't deserve you two," he spoke low, serious.
Fen, perhaps channeling the High King whose leadership she admired most, smiled softly after that kiss and said, “Well that’s just too bad.” Fen took it a step further and shifted, saddling up on his lap, with her hands at either side of his face, beaming at him, before forgetting she was supposed to be channeling The Destroyer. Fen sat up a little straighter, chin held high, fit for the temporary position she was given, and she tried very, very hard not to let the curling corners of her lips turn into a full on smile.
“You have to make this right. You’re going to make sure Fray is safe. You’re going to make sure you mother is happy. And you are going to work hard to make me very, very happy.”
That was a list and Kylo wasn't entirely certain it was all obtainable. He didn't know if he could make it right, and he didn't know if he could make his mother happy, but Fen, maybe. He brought his hands up to cup her face and gave her a serious look. "I'm terrible with family, Fen," he admitted softly. "But I love ours: you and Eliot and Fray. I'd do anything to keep you all safe and happy."
Including trying to figure out things with his mother. Maybe Eliot would help.
Her expression softened, fingers running through his long, dark hair. Maybe his world was also not terribly familiar with innuendo the way Earth was. Or perhaps Fen just needed more practice at it. It never seemed to work when she tried it.
“I had given up on having a family,” she admitted softly. “After everything that happened, I thought it wasn’t for me. But then I came here, and I get to have something now that I probably wouldn’t have back home.” Fen leaned in and kissed him. “I promise I’m not giving up on us. Not with everything you and Eliot and Fray have given me here.”
He wrapped an arm around her, pulling her nearer to him as he deepened the kiss. A few moments before he’d been frustrated and worried and now he just wanted to prove he could make her happy and that he could do this family thing. He was choosing all of them in a way he hadn’t been able to do with his family at home. And now he just wanted to show her he could make her happy.
His arm still around her back, he lifted her as he stood up, keeping her close to him, and perhaps cheating slightly with the Force, but he didn’t care. He wanted to say he could make her happy. He wanted to say he had her and Eliot and they would have him forever. He wanted to somehow express how grateful he was for this opportunity that- like her - was nothing he might get at home, but all that he could manage was: “Fen.”