HIGGS, terence. (higgles) wrote in reduxpitch, @ 2016-02-03 10:19:00 |
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Entry tags: | !thread, character: alicia spinnet, character: terence higgs |
who ? terence higgs-spinnet and alicia spinnet-higgs
when ? wednesday evening, after this
where ? marcus and higgs' flat
what ? emotional support, i guess?
warnings ? tears probably
status ? active
The moment Alicia left George’s, she all but ran to her own flat and penned a quick journal. She’d put on a brave and cold face for him, because that was what he needed, but she was not okay. She just wasn’t. She was trying to keep her own breakdown at bay, at least until she wasn’t alone, but she wasn’t even sure it was appropriate to see Terence at his..well, Marcus’.. place yet. It had only been two days since they agree to try and fix things, after all. She didn’t know where the boundaries were. All she did know was that she was about to ruin all her friendships and she’d have no one left to talk to except Terence and her sister and, apparently, Elladora. But the women in her life would not be good for what she needed. Terence was the only one.
She’d changed from her work clothes by the time he responded, and she was gone within minutes. Her raised fist froze just before she could knock on the door, wondering if Marcus would be the one to answer, and if he’d let her in at all. She knew he must not be her biggest fan, after all. She wasn’t even her biggest fan and she’d been the one doing all the wrongs here.
Nevertheless, Terence said she could come, so she knocked. And hoped that her husband would be the one to answer, not his best friend.
--
The message in Alicia’s journal had been somewhat ambiguous, but last time her and Weasley had had words there had been tears and a near panic attack, so Higgs wasn’t surprised she wanted to talk. He was maybe a little surprised that she wanted to talk to him about it. Personally, Higgs wasn’t sure whether he was the best choice, not when he was part of the problem. Then again, perhaps he was a better choice than some of Alicia’s friends, since majority of them were also friends with Weasley. It was hardly as if he’d turn her away anyway.
When the knock came, Higgs had been expecting it. He had told Marcus that Alicia wasn’t feeling well and was going to come over. They seemed to have an unspoken agreement that lady friends of any kind meant that the other person would stay well clear of the living room. Albeit, a crying wife (since Higgs assumed there would be crying) wasn’t quite the same as a one night stand, the principle was still there. The kettle boiled just as Higgs opened the door. Tea was, obviously, the cure to all things.
“Come in,” he told her, stepping aside to let her in the flat. Once Alicia was inside, Higgs ushered her over to the sofa, before going off to make the tea. This conversation, wherever it would lead, definitely needed tea. If not for her, then for him. Walking back into the living room, Higgs spotted Fi, who had appeared only to put her face on Alicia’s lap, like she had done last time when Alicia had been in a rather similar position. This wasn’t boding very well, Higgs thought.
Handing over the tea, Higgs sat down next to Alicia, body turned to face her. “Do you want to tell me what happened?” He asked gently.
--
Alicia hadn’t started crying yet, but she could feel it coming, and it wasn’t going to be pretty. It wouldn’t be as ugly as it had been when she told George she’d lied about her divorce, but then, that had been worse than probably anything she’d ever experienced in her life. Well. The breakdown she’d had on George after she left Terence had been worse still, but that wasn’t anything she wanted to think about. Ever.
It felt...very, very strange to be stepping into a place that was Terence’s, but not also hers. The flat they’d picked out together had long-since stopped feeling like their place, even if she’d never gotten rid of his ghost, but this was not a place she’d ever been, and it was his home and not hers. All feelings about George aside, it was not a feeling she liked, and she was glad they were working toward something that would remedy that feeling.
“Hi, Fi,” she greeted the dog softly, but affectionately, and rubbed her palm over her head as Terence worked on the tea. She really was a sweet girl, and it made her miss Elspeth a lot; Alicia tried not to think about their dog, who had really been his dog more than hers, despite the fact that he was gone so much. Thinking about her made Alicia feel heavy with guilt, knowing that if she’d made him take her with him--even if he’d had to have someone else look after her--she’d still be alive.
Taking the tea from him, she took a sip before she answered him, and felt her resolve begin to crumble. “I realized he wasn’t going to let it--me--go, so I uh, I had to say some things...to get him to hate me.” Each word came out a little more unsteady than the one before it, and while she hadn’t quite lost it by the end, she was still wiping away the first tears to escape.
--
Higgs frowned when Alicia said she had had to make Weasley hate her in order to let go of her. That seemed... well, pretty idiotic to him, actually. Not that Higgs intended to point that out, at least not in those words. Still, Higgs had never been a fan of lying. As far as he was concerned, there was a lot of merit in telling the truth and being honest. Then again, perhaps he just didn’t know what the truth was when it came to Alicia’s relationship with Weasley. Higgs knew she had feelings for him, but he wasn’t too sure of what those feelings were. When him and Alicia had agreed to try to fix whatever was broken between them, to Higgs that hadn’t felt like a victory over Weasley. He hadn’t felt like he had won Alicia. As much as you didn’t win people, Higgs did wonder if the choice she had made actually somewhat made it a competition in the first place. He hoped not.
What was the appropriate thing to tell your wife when she had broken up with her boyfriend? ‘I’m sorry’ was both untrue and insincere. More so than that, Higgs honestly had no real idea what she wanted for him to say. Assuring that it would all be fine would probably be a lie, Higgs thought. He did actually think that perhaps sooner or later Alicia and Weasley might be able to talk about whatever it was that existed or did not exist between them, but he also wouldn’t presume what sort of timescale that might involve. Gryffindors, it seemed, operated on a completely different level than anyone from the other houses. There seemed to be just so much more... emotion. Higgs wasn’t quite sure how they coped with it if all they had was each other to interact with.
After taking a sip of his own tea, Higgs thought about what he could say. In many respects, he was still drawing a blank, which perhaps accounted for what he did say. “And you think that’s going to be helpful how?” He asked despite knowing full well that that was neither supportive nor helpful. Higgs just honestly wasn’t sure why truth would not have been enough. Perhaps he really was missing something.
--
She really didn’t know what she wanted him to say, if she wanted him to say anything at all. It was probably an awkward place for Terence to be in, caught in all the feelings she had for another man, and she was suddenly very sorry she’d put him in the position in the first place; if anyone ought to not have to deal with her and George, it was him.
“I’m sorry,” she apologized, “I didn’t even think about how you must feel. I can...not talk about this or go somewhere else if it’s too much.” Because the last thing Alicia wanted to be was a bother. And it seemed to her like that’s all she’d become, ever since she’d stopped hiding how she felt all the time from everyone; she wondered if perhaps things would improve with them if she went back to doing that, but the idea itself was exhausting and she didn’t know if she’d be any kind of successful.
“I just...I don’t want him to try and wait for this to fail. I don’t want him to still be waiting months from now. I don’t want him to love me anymore.” Pretty much everyone’s life would be easier if they didn’t love her, but she wasn’t going to say that.
--
If asked, Higgs really would not be able to think of a single instance when he had thought of Alicia as a bother. There were times when he got exhausted by trying to help, but that was actually more him than her. Higgs really didn’t mind being around Alicia whether it was tears or happiness. Obviously, the prefered option was happiness, but Higgs was rather aware that that was not always an option. It wasn’t how things worked and it wasn’t how one expected things to work. So he didn’t mind. At all. It was, nonetheless, a strange situation to be in, this whole thing between Alicia and Weasley.
“You can always come to me,” Higgs told her softly as he watched her carefully. Yes, it was odd and yes he doubted he was best equipped to be dealing with the way Alicia felt right now, but that didn’t mean that Higgs didn’t want her there. He perhaps just wished that he knew how to help. It seemed a very strong and prolonged wish, one which he had a lot around Alicia these days.
He listened carefully to her explanation. It troubled him, somewhat, the way she was seeing this whole thing. From experience, Higgs could honestly say that there was very little Alicia could do to stop someone from loving her. No one went from love to hate instantly, that just didn’t happen. You could hate someone and love them, or you could love them and become bitter, but it was impossible to switch out an emotion like love for one like hate. It was also impossible to just stop loving someone. Not that Higgs had ever bothered to even try.
But there was something else in what she had said that bothered Higgs. And ‘bothered’ was really probably the best word to pick. “And what happens if this does fail?” Higgs asked very carefully. He could certainly agree that Weasley should not have been in a position of waiting for Alicia and Higgs’ relationship to fall apart again, that would have been unfair to all three of them. But Higgs thought that if Weasley would see Alicia happy, and hopefully she would be happy, then whether it was with him or with someone else would not matter as greatly. Higgs certainly would not have tried to wait for a failure in Weasley and Alicia’s relationship if she had been happy. Hell, he hadn’t waited for it even when she hadn’t been happy, it was just something that had happened, most likely because Alicia hadn’t wanted to completely be in that relationship. The question was, did she want to completely be in this one?
--
Alicia skipped over the assurance that she could always go to him; it was the same thing everyone always told her, but it never changed the fact that she felt like a burden to them. She knew the depths of what she felt was unreasonable, that the things in her life did not warrant such a dramatic response from her, and she was sure that they felt the same way. That they only offered because it was what friends and family were supposed to do, but that they didn’t really want her to take them up on it.
No, it was his question that made her look up at him from her cup, eyes still sad and glossy. “I don’t want it to,” she told him. If it did, well...she had no idea what she’d do. She definitely didn’t want George to still be there. It wouldn’t be healthy for him at all. But she didn’t know if she’d have the strength to keep him away, or if she’d have the strength to carry on by herself. Alicia hadn’t truly been alone since the day she met Terence. Other than her friends and siblings, she’d had someone romantic in her life since she was 17. And now that her emotional problems were so much worse, she honestly didn’t know if she’d ever be able to find anyone who would be willing to put up with her.
Not that that was her primary motivation, or even a secondary one, for wanting it to work with her husband. If all she was worried about was being alone after things ended, she’d have stayed with George because she knew he’d never leave her. No, it was only her fear now that she’d chosen the path that wasn’t guaranteed, but that she wanted so badly to work out.
“Our vows mean as much to me today as they did when we gave them. I don’t ever want to stop fighting for them.”
--
Maybe for someone who had been paying less attention to Alicia right now, it would have gone unnoticed the way she didn’t reply to Higgs telling her that she could always come to him if she needed, but Higgs had been carefully watching her, more than that, Higgs also tended to be rather careful in what he said. He was not in a habit of saying something for the sake of saying something, so his offer was both honest and the truth. Higgs just wasn’t too sure how to emphasise that in a way in which Alicia’s would realise it was, in fact, true. Placing his mug of tea on the coffee table, Higgs reached out carefully, placing one of his hands over Alicia, pulling it away from her own mug to give it a small squeeze.
“Alicia,” Higgs said slowly. “I realise that it might not feel very easy, but I honestly rather be able to do something than nothing at all,” he told her. “There is nothing you can do that would make me not want to see you,” Higgs said with a small sigh. He did realise that perhaps the three and half empty years between them were an indication of this not being true, but quite honestly, Higgs had assumed that’s what she had wanted. That perhaps was not the case at all, he realised now, except that now was a bit late to do anything about their original break up. It did not mean he didn’t want to see her, but unfortunately Higgs wasn’t able to change what had happened then, all he could offer was a different way now.
His hand left hers only to go up to Alicia’s face, the back of Higgs’ fingers lightly brushing against Alicia’s cheek. Their vows and their meaning probably also fell into the category of what should have been done differently back then, because if Higgs had been a cruel man he would have pointed out how they hadn’t meant very much to her towards the end of their marriage. But that was unnecessary and also, Higgs couldn’t really fault her. He felt like he had broken them, too, even if his efforts had been less conscious.
“Are you going to make everyone else hate you, too?” Higgs asked, his touch kind against her face. He had no intention to upset her, but Higgs also felt that he knew Alicia somewhat well enough to presume what her next step might be. Higgs knew that Alicia shared a lot of friends with Weasley, that couldn’t be easy. But there was also something about the Gryffindor mindset, Higgs was sure. The way they dealt with thing was often so self-sacrificial. Higgs was sure that no one from another house was able to understand the logic employed by Gryffindors.
--
If asked, she would never blame the tears that fell on him. He’d only asked a question, after all, even if he apparently already knew the answer. Her response to that question wasn’t in any way his fault. Though, part of the way she felt overwhelmed may have had to do with the kindness she didn’t feel she deserved. Terence was too decent a human being for her. Eventually he’d probably figure that out and take back what he said, but for now...she needed to hear it.
“They shouldn’t have to pick sides,” she responded, confirming his assumption; she just didn’t tell him she’d already started. “And George needs them more than I do.” What she didn’t say was that he deserved them more than she did. Even if he did. Terence deserved to not have to handle her being a hot mess either, but as long as he was going to keep agreeing to it, she didn’t think she had the strength to call him out on it. What if he did ever acknowledge that he deserved better? What then?
--
Yes, Higgs agreed that her friends should not pick sides, but probably for very different reasons than Alicia thought it. When the two of them had split up, Higgs hadn’t really felt like their friends, albeit they hadn’t had many in common, had taken sides. Both Wood and Ashleigh had carried on writing to Higgs, had met with him when he was off on leave, both of them Higgs had met through Alicia. It had never entered his mind to not be friends with them just because him and Alicia had split up. To Higgs it seemed that if someone was your friend, it matter little to them whether they were also friends with the person you had just broken up with. Relationships, as far as Higgs was concerned, were between two people, they did not require for everyone else to have a fucking opinion, too.
Higgs also greatly disagreed that Weasley would need their friends more than Alicia did. Not the way his hand was slowly becoming soaked in her tears. At least, Higgs thought, Alicia had him and Ashleigh. Albeit, Higgs wouldn’t actually recommend going to Ashleigh for emotional support, but her practical support was rather good. Perhaps between the two of them, they could offer Alicia the support she needed. Higgs did not have a very high opinion of most of Alicia’s little Gryffindor friends anyway.
“I’m not sure that’s true, pet,” Higgs told her, before reaching to take her mug from her, putting it next to his on the coffee table. He didn’t really know how to make her feel better, there didn’t seem to be the right kind of words, at least none that he could think of. Higgs also didn’t want to do anything that might seem like taking advantage of the situation or of her, so he had to think very carefully about what he actually could do. The tears were unsettling but Higgs felt that it was probably better for her to cry than to just bottle it all up inside. So he decided that perhaps he should just do a stupid thing rather than not do anything at all.
Moving his other hand to Alicia’s upper arm, Higgs pulled her closer, with quite a lot of ease and somewhat well practiced grace, moving Alicia’s whole body so she’d be sat atop of him, his arms wrapping around her back, both of her legs on each side of his lap. “C’mere,” he whispered softly, letting her face press against his neck as within seconds his shirt was starting to feel wet. Being cried on was something Higgs could definitely handle.
--
There were a lot of reasons that Alicia was crying, and not one of them had to do with losing her boyfriend. She didn’t know if she’d be able to explain if he asked, but she at least knew most of why. She’d lost her best friend tonight. The person she’d come to seek solace from in all things for the last three years. She and George had become closer than even her and Angelina; the last six months or so before Terence came home, they hadn’t even really needed words to communicate how they felt.
She was crying because her selfishness had ruined everything. It broke George, made things impossible with their friends, and made her say the most hateful things she’d ever said, so that he’d hate her and call her what she truly was: a lying, manipulative, inconsistent harpy. The words had felt almost unreasonable when she’d heard them, but the more she thought about it, the more she could see they described her exactly. She was awful, and now George knew it. She just wished with everything she had that she hadn’t had to show him.
The hug from Terence was not a surprise, but then, it wasn’t exactly a hug. Alicia turned toward him when he reached for her, but then he was moving her, and pulling her into his lap instead of just putting his arms around her. Though surprised, she didn’t fight him, instead, wrapped her arms around his neck as she buried her face in his shoulder. Her grief felt like being ripped apart; there wasn’t even time to fully process their proximity, or his willingness to give her what she needed.
It wasn’t long before she began to feel cried out. The tears slowed, and the sobs grew further apart, but Alicia didn’t pull back, too afraid he’d let her go and end their contact before she was ready. She felt completely drained, as though all of her energy had left inside her tears. Wiping the rest of the moisture away from her cheeks, she finally said, “I’m sorry,” in a rough voice, both for having cried in front of him about something that should never have happened in the first place, and for soaking his shirt.
--
The apology was really rather unnecessary. Crying in front of Higgs certainly wasn’t a problem, whether the situation itself should have happened was slightly more questionable. As for his shirt, it would dry. It wasn’t even the first shirt that Higgs would end up having to wash because someone cried on it. Higgs did press a soft kiss against Alicia’s hair at her apology, though. “It’s alright,” he said softly because there wasn’t much else he could say to it. It wasn’t like he could make her promises that everything would be fine, that Weasley, given time, would realise that there was more to Alicia than just being in a relationship with her; that her friends would support her through this; that everything would work out between Higgs and her; none of those were things Higgs could promise her, no matter how much he wanted to.
Her body felt light against him and the way energy and strength had left her was something Higgs could feel physically with her pressed against him. This wasn’t quite how he had imagined being able to touch her again. He wished he could at least describe it as nice, but the concern Higgs held for Alicia didn’t really allow him to even do as much. So instead, he held her tighter as he picked both of them up from the sofa, her bodyweight feeling like next to nothing in comparison to the strength Higgs possessed.
He didn’t really need to look to know the way to his bedroom, easily carrying Alicia there before sitting her down on his bed. This wasn’t romantic and it wasn’t meant to be. Higgs might not know the right thing to say, the thing that would make her feel better, but he felt that there was at least something he could do, even if it was to let her rest. He knelt down in front of her, undoing her shoes carefully before slipping them off. Reaching for one of his own discarded shirts near by, Higgs then proceeded to slide his hands under Alicia’s shirt, pushing it up and then off. He moved her body with ease that Higgs hadn’t realised he still possessed, as he put his own shirt on her.
Just as carefully, Higgs placed his fingers under the waistband of her trousers, pushing those off with just as much ease, discarding them by the side of the bed. “Here,” he muttered lightly, pulling the duvet back, making her crawl into the bed. His own trousers and shirt came off with far less care or concern, before he joined her under the blankets, pulling her body close, their lines matching as perfectly as they always had, as Higgs’s hand rested on Alicia’s hip. As much as this was in no way how Higgs had wanted to get here, he felt that perhaps as much comfort as he could offer her, she could offer him. He honestly could not remember the last time he had been this close to someone physically.
--
Alicia thought she’d just be going home. She thought that after she calmed down, they’d stand up, maybe hug, and she’d Apparate back to her flat, because that was what awkward spouses did right? They didn’t carry the other to their room and get them ready for bed. Not that she argued. On the contrary, she let him take off her shoes and shirt, barely breathing as she searched his face, looking for a sign that this was really okay. She made no sudden movements, merely moved under his unspoken direction as he undressed her in a way that should have made her feel childish, but didn’t. She could have undressed herself, but he was taking care of her without being asked or expected to, and it made her feel...well, loved.
What surprised her the most, however, was him joining her. She stared at him, breath catching. She’d almost forgotten how much he resembled art, and she itched to run her fingertips over his skin. But as he crawled in behind her, she kept very still, his hand very warm against her hip. He could probably feel how tense she was, so afraid to mess this up--though, how could she mess it up just by lying there?
The question was answered for herself when she abruptly turned over so she could rest her forehead against his chest. They were comfort cuddling, right? So that should be okay. Alicia wasn’t even really touching him, much as she wanted to. This was probably pushing her luck enough as it was.
--
Higgs didn’t think there was anything Alicia could do to mess this up, especially since this currently involved the two of them lying down in bed together, it did not involve much else and surely you couldn’t mess that up? Except, of course, Higgs wasn’t sure they should have even gotten this far. It was probably too sudden and partially inappropriate for the stage they were at in their relationship. But it felt right. That was the reason Higgs had initiated this, had her pressed against him. It felt right, like this was where she belonged, and perhaps it was.
When she moved, Higgs moved too, rearranging his position to accommodate Alicia’s movement. Her hand against his chest felt... it felt like something they had done before, and that feeling alone sent a sharp pang straight to Higgs’ heart. Nostalgia, perhaps. Almost in reflex, Higgs moved his hand, running it gently down from Alicia’s shoulder, across her side, before finally letting it rest just below her waist, where the tilt of her hip started. She felt warm, warmer than Higgs’ memory had her, but then, maybe this just felt different because it was more vivid.
Having Alicia so close, it made Higgs want to touch her everywhere. Not necessarily sexually, just... remind himself. Relearn all the curves and dips, all the birthmarks and scars. The way her hair smelled brought back memories that Higgs hadn’t realised he even had forgotten. But that would probably edge them further away from that line Higgs was sure he had already crossed. So instead, he just breathe her in, letting his thumb draw small circles on Alicia’s body, where his hand rested.
--
She waited for the negative reaction, for him to pull back and tell her that this was too far, but it didn’t happen. Instead, he continued to touch her, the tension leaving her body with every exhale, every small movement of his hand. Nostalgic was a good word for how she felt, and it made her miss what they’d had during the good times--the cuddling and kissing and just being close in general, both physically and emotionally. It’s why she inched toward him as much as possible until their feet and knees met, and her own hand came to rest gently on his side. Unlike him, she didn’t push her luck by exploring or moving, she was very much content to wrap the familiar comforting smell of him around her and rest.
“I missed this,” she sighed, almost asleep, her face in his shoulder.
--
The situation, the position, it made Higgs feel... at home. More so than anything he had done since returning from the army, this made him think of home. Having Alicia’s body pressed against his, her body heath mixing with his, that was home. Higgs hadn’t really let himself hope that it would ever come to this again and to be honest, even if he had, he probably hadn’t imagined this to be the most likely scenario. Not that it changed the fact that she was in his bed, she was pressed against him, soft and small. Higgs had never wanted to protect something more than he wanted to protect Alicia. Except it wasn’t that easy, he knew that. But for the briefest moments perhaps he could pretend.
At her half-asleep words, Higgs sighed lightly, almost contently. “I missed this, too, pet,” he said gently, pressing a kiss against the top of her head, as he let her drift off to sleep. When Higgs thought she might have finally been asleep, he gave it another ten minutes, trying to fight off his own sleepiness as she lay comfortably against him. Finally, when Higgs was sure that Alicia was asleep, he carefully and slowly unwrapped himself from her, before sliding out of the bed.
There was nothing Higgs wanted more than to sleep next to Alicia, not at that very moment at least. But he couldn’t. Higgs hadn’t had a full night of sleep in months, always waking up multiple times a night. The nightmares made sleeping rather difficult, but Higgs also woke up thrashing, he woke up fighting. That was not something Higgs was willing to risk happening with Alicia so close to him. It frightened him to think that he might harm her.
Getting a spare blanket, Higgs quietly left the bedroom for the livingroom. He’d be fine sleeping on the sofa, let Alicia rest. Tomorrow they’d run, so he’d wake her up. Hopefully, Higgs thought, before she’d notice that he hadn’t actually slept next to her, because Higgs wasn’t sure he’d be able to explain that. Not without probably making both of them really rather upset, at least. He’d just have to make sure he was up first. It probably wouldn’t be that hard, seeing how he barely slept at all.