Marathon of Pain: 216 All these poses oh how can you blame me Life is a game and true love is a trophy
Well, I guess if you're going to start with pain, there's no better episode than this one.
It began with Justin and Michael working on the first episode of Rage, and recapping the bashing, and then joking about how Brian Rage cured Justin JT with "lots of heavy kissing and deep anal penetration," which Michael points out is, based on the extensive amount of illustration Justin did of this storyline, Justin's favorite part.
Justin seems both like himself and unlike himself, intermittently, in this scene. He's sometimes the confident, strong Justin we're used to from Season One... Michael comments the bashing scene is very gory, and Justin states with great certainty, "It's supposed to be." But doubt and insecurity flicker over his face several times while he sees Michael and Ben being all affectionate and domestic -- they invite him to stay for dinner and a movie, and Justin says he can't, he and Brian are going to Babylon.
Now, Justin is 18 years old and has never once shown the slightest disinclination to spend his nights dancing before, and I also think that if Brian tried to convince him to settle down to a lifetime or even a weekend of smooching and TV-watching he'd probably get fairly bored fairly fast. So to me, this is more symbolic of Justin's growing insecurity than a specific sudden desire for domesticity. I think he more wants to feel sure of himself, his life, and Brian's love for him than that he specifically wants the life Ben and Michael have. Which is all very interesting given what happens with Ben and Michael as the episode progresses.
Then we go to Babylon, where Brian announces his "no birthdays" bullshit philosophy. Ted reminds him that he threw a big birthday party for Michael, we can all remember him teasing Justin about what he wants for his 18th birthday a year earlier, later in the episode Lindsay mentions that Brian "almost killed himself" on his 30th birthday, and he actually goes to Ben's surprise party, so apparently this policy is specific to Justin turning 19. I have a thought about that, which I'll get to in the comments.
Justin unconvincingly states he agrees with Brian that birthday celebrations are stupid and sentimental. If Justin said that with confidence, I wouldn't care -- I don't care what Justin thinks about birthdays, or even what Brian thinks. What I care about is the way Justin is tying himself in knots, and it's killing me. Oh Justin.
Emmett is still grieving for George, and Teddy is very sweet to him -- in fact, even Brian is semi-sweet about it -- and the next day, Teddy takes Emmett to the Church of the Holy Show Tunes. It's quite amusing, and cheers Emmett up, and Ted meets a sweet, nerdy guy and lies to him about what he does for a living, letting him think he runs a charitable aid website instead of, you know, JerkAtWork.net. Oh, Teddy. And it of course reminds me of the whole way Justin is trying to conform himself to what other people expect of him... soaking up Ben and Michael when he's with them, Brian when he's with Brian, and now we see Ted doing the same thing with this new guy. Although it's kind of Ted's baseline and it's an aberration for Justin.
Then we're at the diner, and Brian, Michael, and Emmett are joking around about Michael's planned surprise party for Ben. Emmett suggests a "geisha, sushi, Miss Saigon" kind of thing. A far eastern phantasmagoria. Oh party planner Emmett how I love thee.
Brian suggests instead a bottle of vodka and a copy of the Kama Sutra. (That gets my vote.)
Debbie semi-made her peace with Ben in the last episode, but she's still pouting and Michael isn't going to invite her to the party. So of course, Brian tells her all about it. Oh Brian. And when Michael says, "Why'd you tell her?" Brian comes back with, "Why the fuck do you want to keep it a secret?"
We then go to Mel and Lindz's house, where Justin is eating with really really bad, but adorable, table manners (where did those country club gentile manners go, Justin?). He insists to the two of them that he's fine with Brian's anti-birthday creed, but they don't buy that for one minute, although he seems a little bit more convinced of it now himself. Mel says," Oh blah blah blah. What'd he do, brainwash you?"
They decide to take him to a violin recital at PIFA. Justin rolls his eyes, and says he's not into classical music. Mel blathers about higher culture, and Lindsay gets our boy where he lives and says the violinist is really cute. Ah, there's our old Justin... "Why didn't you say so?"
Michael and Ben are walking down the street, and run into Ben's ex, Paul, who is the man who infected Ben with HIV. Ben insists he's forgiven him, saying they weren't as careful as they should have been (YA THINK???) and Paul didn't know. Which, given what happens later in the episode, is yet another strand in our theme of lying to yourself, about yourself, and conforming yourself to what others -- or even YOU -- think you should be, instead of being true to yourself. God I love this show.
Then there's a brilliantly funny scene at the gym where Michael, Emmett, and Ted are working out and talking about boys and it's fucking hysterical. And the whole thing is about being honest about who you are, and what it means.
Then we're at the loft, and Mel and Lindz are picking up Justin. Justin is in the bedroom getting ready, and Lindsay is yelling at Brian over the very loud music about how he should do something, ANYTHING, to celebrate Justin's birthday, even just get a cake. Brian says he gained three ounces the week before and doesn't need cake. (Interjected while watching by bunny: The cake is for JUSTIN, asshole.)
Justin comes out, and he's wearing a sport coat and tells the girls that his mother got it for him for his birthday. They tell him he looks "spiffy," although in reality he looks like an adorable geek. Brian bustles over in a motherly loverly husbandly way and says, "Didn't your daddy ever teach you how to tie a tie?" (The entire fandom interjects: SAINT JAMES. UNIFORM. TIE. DAILY. YEARS. Moving on.)
"No," Justin snarks back. "He was too busy kicking me out and beating the shit out of you."
"Well," Brian answers, "neither did mine. He was too busy regretting the day I was born." Oh my wounded boys. Then Brian ties Justin's tie, teases him about wanting to see him in his birthday suit, and kisses him on the forehead. Justin says, "Don't work too hard," and leaves. Lindsay tells Mel to go ahead, and storms back over to Brian. Over the music she says, loudly, "I don't understand you."
"Few do," he replies.
"It's obvious how much you love him," she says. "And yet you won't celebrate his birthday because you don't consider it an accomplishment. Well, isn't it an accomplishment that he's alive, and well? Isn't that enough reason to celebrate?"
OH LINDSAY! Often you annoy me, but when you get truthy with Brian, nobody does it better. Come here and let me kiss your hot girlfriend you.
And that brings us right back to the bashing theme that the episode opened with.
Brian looks very thoughtful, and I think what Lindsay said actually did reach him (as what she says often does). And you know what? Her hair looks pretty great here.
Now we meet Ethan. He's playing his violin, and Justin gets the urge to draw him, using the program. I normally love seeing Justin lost in his art, but I remember when I first saw this thinking how very, very young he looked here, and not being entirely sure of what he was feeling.
Michael is picking up a kimono from Vic for Emmett to wear at the party. He reluctantly invites Debbie, and she says she has other plans, although we find out after Michael leaves that she made it up. Vic, however, is going to be there. And Vic gets truthy with Deb, too, telling her to up her commitment a notch. I love me some Vic.
Justin is eating (of course), and regurgitates the program to Mel and Lindsay, telling them Ethan is a genius. They go off to talk to someone, and Justin walks up to Ethan. He tells Ethan he was great, Ethan says he was "passable," and he blames Justin for distracting him with the way he was staring at him. He says it in a very forceful way, and Justin reacts (OH GOD I HATE THIS) with uncertainty. He says, "I'm sorry," and his voice falters. His body language is very young. It hurts me to see it. Then Ethan reassures him by adding, "Although not necessarily in a bad way." Asshole. But Justin laps it up like a puppy dog.
Ethan catches sight of the program on which Justin drew his portrait, and wants to use it on the cover of his next CD. He tells Justin that Justin's need to draw is "the sign of a true artist," gee, thanks Ethan. I think Justin knew what he was.
Justin tells Ethan it's his birthday, and Ethan gives Justin a CD of his work, before some other admirer sweeps him off.
Then we have Ted and Luke fucking and talking, and Ted comes clean with Luke, who takes it really well. It's a lovely scene.
Then we have Justin all excited and happy about his classical music conversion at the loft. He tells Brian, "It wouldn't hurt you to expose yourself to some culture," and although his voice is a little breathy and not quite strong, snarky Justin, I do like that he's turning it back on Brian. And then Brian says that he has "exposed himself to culture... there was an oboe player at the baths once." Then they get cute and snuggly, and Brian seems kind of young and uncertain himself, and tells Justin he got him a birthday surprise after all.
Now, dear fangirls, I have never seen what follows next. This is the first time for me. When I originally watched it, I knew what was coming as soon as Brian started walking Justin to the bedroom with his eyes covered, and turned it off. So it was very, very hard for me to watch this, and it took all Bunny's effort to keep me from turning it off. But I did watch, and it was just as ghastly as I'd imagined, if not worse, because Brian's face when he realized it hadn't gone quite how he'd hoped really knifed me. Because despite the way Justin's pain makes my heart ache in this arc, I do love Brian, and I honestly believe he did the best he was capable of during Season Two. It just breaks me.
Anyway, Justin is not happy, but he tries not to let Brian see that, and my heart breaks also for Brian when he tells Justin the hustler looks like some underwear model Justin admired. God, Brian. You're such a moron, and yet, you do listen to your Justin.
So, now it's Brian who is the uncertain one. And I'm basically in tears.
We go to the far eastern phantasmagoria, which is quite amusing... Teddy says Emmett puts the "gay" back in "geisha." And he introduces Emmett as "M. Butterfly" to Luke.
Debbie shows up with Vic, and she makes a lovely comment about wishing Ben a happy birthday and many more. Awwwww.
Now, more true confessions. I've never watched this scene either, cutting off as soon as I realized Ben was going to freak out. So I didn't know that Mel and Lindz shoved their feet in their mouths about what Ted did for a living, and I saw Luke's face fall as reality hit him. Ouch ouch ouch.
Brian and Justin show up, late, and Justin tells the girls that Brian got him a hustler. They're stunned, not sure why, I had known that was coming.
Michael confesses he borrowed Ben's palm pilot and invited all his friends, Ben says he wants all his "friends" out of there, glaring at Paul (the guy who infected him), and slams out.
Everyone leaves.
Then we have a great scene with Michael and Brian. I love this scene like woah.
Michael says wow, I always thought Ben was on a higher spiritual plain, boy, did he have me fooled, boy was I dumb. He says he just wanted to make Ben happy, and Ben humiliated him.
Brian says he's tired of hearing Michael playing "variations on the theme of poor little Mikey," and Michael says, "Oh, I'm sorry that I bore you!" and Brian says, "Well, try another song."
"What did I do besides throw him a goddamn party?"
"Never mind, forget it. Go to Woody's. Get drunk. Pass out. You'll feel so much better."
"NO. Tell. Me." (I love Michael here.)
Brian hesitates, then he, too, gets truthy: "You want too much. You expect too much. And then when your hero disappoints you, your poor little heart gets crushed." (Gee, talking to Justin much, Brian? Talking to yourself?)
"So what's the alternative? To expect nothing, to want nothing, like you?"
Then we are at JerkAtWork.net, where Luke comes face to face with the reality of Ted's career, and says he can't handle it. Ted offers to give it up for him, but Luke says, "You shouldn't have to... This is my problem, not yours." Which is true, but still hurts like a motherfucker. Oh Teddy.
Now we have the other scene from this episode that I love, the parking lot of the home improvement center. Lindsay runs back in because she forgot her credit card. Brian, who is helping them load building supplies into the back of their car, snarks that they shouldn't be Leda's gophers, next time they should "hire a professional."
Melanie snarks that Brian "should know all about that." Says that Brian finally got Justin something for his birthday.. just what he needs, to get laid.
"I didn't hear him complaining."
"Of course not," Melanie agrees.
"Then why are YOU?"
"Because," she says, looking very sincere and yes, my darlings, very truthy, "I'm not in love with you." Which Brian hears, absolutely.
Mel says she's trying to let him know what Justin wants.
"What does he want, mama?"
She says, something romantic. He sneers about roses. She says can't you bend your "I'm gay and if you don't like it you can suck my dick" principles just once and let him know you care?
"I thought he did," Brian answers, but you can see she got to him. And she should have, because yes, I do think Justin knows Brian cares, but I think sometimes he isn't sure anymore, and the more his confidence and sense of self erodes, the less sure he is.
We now cut to Justin listening to Ethan playing the violin in his practice space at PIFA. Justin is very tentative, young, and not at all the smooth, flirty pickup artist we knew and loved in Season One, hello cute guy at the art museum.
Ethan asks about Justin's birthday and if he had a party, Justin says no, his boyfriend doesn't believe in celebrating being born, and Ethan says that's too bad. Justin says he didn't really want a party, and Ethan says, no, that you have a boyfriend.
Justin blushes and looks adorably confused, but still so unsure. Ethan is all suave and confident, and says if he were Justin's boyfriend he'd bring him breakfast in bed and play for him, and they'd make love a couple hundred times.
"All that before lunch?" asks Justin breathlessly.
"Yes," Ethan responds, firmly. "But I'm not your boyfriend."
Justin runs. Having finished playing Justin, Ethan resumes playing the violin.
Ben shows up on Michael's doorstep. Michael says they're done, Ben gives him a really beautiful apology, and also explains that he found out his viral loud had gone up to 125,000 and his t-cells had gone down. He had just found out before he came home the night of the party. His virus was resistant to his meds, and they changed them. Ben tells Michael he's not a hero, he's not perfect. He's just trying to cope, and experience some inner harmony. But he says he's only managed to convince himself he's "believed all this bullshit."
"It's not bullshit," Michael says.
Ben says, "I hurt you, Michael... and there's no excuse for it, no excuse at all." Now THAT is an apology.
"Sure there is," Michael tells him. "You're human."
And now we cut from that moment of perfect communication between Michael and Ben, the moment when Michael sees and accepts Ben for who he truly is, to what is perhaps the most beautiful, aching, agonizing, breathtaking scene in the entire five years of Queer as Folk. Justin, listening to Ethan's admittedly beautiful violin playing on his CD, while he slowly, gracefully, like a tragic ballet, moves the desk chair over the polished floor. When he spins around, his feet tucked up like when Brian spun him at the prom, I could literally die.
While the violin music continues to play, we see Brian at a flower stand, picking up and smelling and almost buying Justin a dozen roses, wrapped in plastic and mixed with baby's breath.
"Shall I wrap those for you?" the man asks him.
Brian puts them back, says "No, thanks," and walks down the street while the strains of Rufus Wainwright's "Poses" play and it all fades to black.
And I'm crying my eyes out.
In the green autumnal parks conducting All the city streets a wondrous chorus Singing all these poses now no longer boyish Made me a man ah but who cares what that is