ENOUGH UNTIL THE NEXT TIME Title: Enough Until the Next Time Written By:lastglances Timeline: Post 513 Author's Notes: Much love and thanks to my betas, arlad and plumduff.
Things were more hectic at Kinnetik than usual but, Ted realized, that was usually the case when Brian was gone.
He'd taken a week off, heading to New York to surprise Justin who'd been working his ass off at an art gallery, even showing a few pieces in a show a month earlier. It had been completely spontaneous; both Ted and Cynthia had opened their mouths to respond when Brian said it but he only lifted a hand and returned to his office.
Setting the phone down, Ted turned to his next task. It was just after lunch - which he'd skipped - and the office was a melting pot of sound and activity. Cynthia strode toward him from her desk.
"Is everything ready for the presentation?" She tapped a file folder against her fingernails impatiently. Ted was glad the morning hours were over. There had been enough caffeine buzzing through everyone's veins to floor a horse.
"Yeah," Ted said after a moment of thought. He'd completely forgotten about it. Without Brian's somewhat calming presence, Kinnetik seemed more madhouse than agency. "What time are they coming again?"
Cynthia cocked her head and smiled - "The Kinney Smile" people around the office called it. "You're kidding." The look on his face told her he wasn't and her smile disappeared. "Three, Ted. They're coming at three."
He waved his hand in the air, as if to shoo away a fly. "I knew that. It's just..."
"Things are fucking insane without Brian here? Makes me miss the carefree days of working for him at Vanguard." Cynthia turned away from Ted, calling over her shoulder, "Come on, we have some last minute prep."
Ted followed her silently, grateful when the door to Brian's office closed behind them and shut out most of the noise. Brian's office was spotless, everything in its place. It was like looking at a throne room while the king was visiting a neighboring lord.
"Brian left a file here that we need and I still haven't found it." Cynthia set the folder on the edge of Brian's desk before walking around to check the drawers. She came up empty handed. Swearing under her breath, she looked to Ted. "Any idea where it could be?"
"What does it look like?" Ted cast his eyes around the room again. The partition was shut, the prepped conference room a mosaic of light and muted color behind the pebbled glass.
"It's a folder. I don't recall anything unique about its appearance."
Ted turned to Cynthia and furrowed his brow. "I know it's a folder, Cynthia. Maybe he took it home for a final review and forgot to bring it back. I just remember seeing a few folders on Brian's counter when I was at his place the other day. It could be one of those."
"Do you have a key to his loft?"
Ted nodded as Cynthia stood. "I can go over and check."
Her face bright with a smile, Cynthia ushered him to the door. "Well, go along, Theodore, and don't come back unless you have the file. Brian will fire your ass if you don't."
"Actually," Ted corrected, "Brian would have to fire his own ass since he would be the one who forgot to bring it to work."
Hands firmly on his back, Cynthia propelled Ted toward the parking lot, his truthful observation ignored.
---
Ted's heart pounded in his chest as he walked up the stairs to Brian's loft. It always felt strange to be in Brian's loft without him there, eyes following Ted wherever he wandered. He imagined it would be silent and cold without Brian's presence, very much like the stainless steel kitchen and wood floors that dominated the airy space.
Key in the lock, a turn of his wrist, Ted slid the door open and stared into the cool darkness. Swallowing, he walked forward to turn on the lamp gracing Brian's desk, which was messy. It was unlike Brian but Ted pushed the thought aside and flipped through the stacks of paper and folders to see whether they contained what he needed.
"Damnit."
There were more stacks on the counter and Ted nearly fell over while sorting through them. It was an upheaval of pie charts, graphs, demographic studies, images. What he was looking for was at the bottom of the last stack. Sighing heavily, Ted pulled it out and tucked it under his arm. While walking back to the door, he realized he needed to take a piss or he'd be stopping on his way back to the office.
Sending a resentful look skywards, Ted turned on his heel and unbuckled his belt.
Two steps up the stairs to Brian's bedroom, however, and Ted realized that he wasn't alone.
Brian twisted a lit joint between his fingertips, brow creased as he contemplated the cracks in the ceiling, so to speak. The closet was thrown open but nothing appeared to have been disturbed in the haste of packing. An empty suitcase lay by his side.
"Bri-" Ted stopped, hastily buckling his belt and looking around to see if anyone else would be joining them. "Shouldn't you be in New York?" His hands dropped to his sides. Why did he feel like this was a shootout from a western with Brian as Wyatt fucking Earp about to shoot the pistol out of his hand?
"I should, but..." Brian lifted himself into a seated position. His hair was mussed in the back; his skin was sallow but Ted realized this was probably because of the shitty lighting Brian always had installed in his room. He was wearing the same thing he'd worn the last time he'd been at Kinnetik and Ted could only imagine what he smelled like. "I decided it would have been a waste of time and frequent flyer miles." He smiled wryly, head shaking slightly as he pulled on the joint before looking down.
Ted wanted to say, "Fuck that attitude," but decided it was better to approach a wounded animal with caution. "Like seeing Justin would ever be a waste." He pushed the suitcase aside and sat down. The folder poked against his ribs and he tossed it to the other side of the bed. "You were planning this for a while, Bri. Why would you suddenly give up on it? Are you...?"
"I'm not scared if that's what you're going to say." Brian scratched the bridge of his nose and clenched his jaw. Ted cataloged every movement beneath his skin as well as above it. In all his years as Brian Kinney's acquaintance - and finally, friend - Ted had learned all the subtle nuances of his "performances”, as Ted was wont to call them. At the moment, his careful examination was telling him that Brian Kinney was full of shit.
"It's the same reason you didn't see him in California, isn't it? Except this time you really don't have anything else going on. Things are stable at Kinnetik; it's easy for you to take a few days off. Gus is doing fine in Canada so things are looking good there. What is it this time?" Ted tried to pin Brian where he was with a stare and it seemed to work.
Brian flicked ash from his pants, slumped further in his dirty clothes. "It's easier to just give up on it, on him, since he's so obviously given up on me. I've said it before, Theodore: he has his own life and I have mine. We don't have any obligation to each other now that he's in New York and I'm in..." Brian licked his lips and tried again. "It was easier to let him go."
Ted smiled sadly at that. Here was the indomitable Brian Kinney banging at love's locked doors and those inside were allowing him to knock until his fists bled.
"When I was first recovering," Ted said, his gaze focusing on the same spot Brian's did, "I read some Khalil Gibran because I figured, what could it hurt? I came across something that has changed my entire outlook on the topic of love. He said, 'If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don't, they never were.'" Ted paused to gauge Brian's reaction; when Brian only lifted the joint to his lips again, Ted continued. "I say fuck that. If you want someone, you go after them."
Brian slowly drew the smoke into his lungs, releasing it just as slowly while Ted's words permeated the silence and darkness around them. His eyes opened and closed three times before Ted's words sunk in.
"When did you become a fucking professor?" Brian crushed the joint in an ashtray on the nightstand and stood. "Jesus," he muttered, nostrils flaring. "Why didn't you tell me I reek?"
Ted shrugged, happy that his philosophical moment of the day had seemingly transformed Brian for the better. "You'd have figured it out yourself sooner or later." Reaching aross the bed to pick up the folder while Brian undressed for a shower, Ted didn't look forward to returning to Kinnetik.
One of his biggest secrets was how much he admired Brian and Justin's relationship, how strong it seemed despite looking effortless. He knew the amount of work Brian put into it - the phone calls, the emails, the thought - and knew it taxed Justin just as much. Some days Ted wanted nothing more than to see into their lives as if he were peering through the spy hole in a door and witness something he hoped he could have with Blake at some point, when they could both meet at the same place in their lives and continue on from there.
He sat on the bed until the shower turned off and stood when the door slid open and Brian leaned against it with a towel held loosely around his waist, dripping water on the floor. He seemed completely untouched, as if he'd just returned from work an hour earlier and was preparing to leave for New York without a doubt in his mind.
"Shouldn't you be getting back to work, Theodore?" Brian threw over his shoulder as he pulled clothes out of the closet and laid them across his bare forearm. "Cynthia's probably strutting around like she owns the place."
"Yeah, Bri, yeah." Ted didn't sound entirely convinced by his own words but he clutched the folder to his chest and walked down the steps and across the floor and to the front door that yawned wide for him since he'd left it open.
"And, Theodore?" Brian called out. He appeared at the top of the short set of stairs, this time in a pair of tailored pants. Water threaded across his shoulders and his hands fidgeted in front of his chest, fingers twisting around each other lazily. "Thanks."
The word was soft and Ted almost missed it before Brian returned to packing. He pushed the impossible moment to the back of his mind for later dissection before turning off the desk lamp and sliding the front door shut.
---
"Here is fine," Brian said, leaning across the empty space in the car and pointing to a patch of sidewalk that wasn't flooded with water. The car screeched to a halt and Brian wondered how much worse his trip would have been if he'd taken a taxi as opposed to a private car. He scoffed. As if he'd ever do that.
He jokingly saluted the driver and turned toward the manicured business façades that lined the street. It had been raining since he landed in New York and Brian knew he looked a mess. His grey suit was black with rain, his hair dripped water into his eyes. Brian realized he should have dressed more casually or brought an umbrella. At least, he rationalized, he'd left his bag at the hotel. It was one less thing that would make a mess when he saw Justin for the first time in who knew how long.
The art gallery where Justin worked was minimal to say the least and it was something Brian enjoyed endlessly. Justin often complained about the wood floors and colorless walls during their phone conversations, convinced that the famed white cube needed to go a bit gay if it was going to continue being the epicenter of the art world.
This had gone over Brian's head completely; he'd sated himself with hearing Justin's voice and ignored everything else as he leaned back in his chair, kicking his feet onto the desk before him.
Half a block more and he'd be there, Justin's voice would connect with his body and Brian would find it easier to breathe, to be.
It was no surprise that Brian was in his element in New York, and he told himself it was only a year or two more and maybe he'd be here as well. He tilted his face up to the sky and didn't grimace as fat drops of water kissed his cheeks and forehead.
Fridays, Brian had learned, were one of the gallery's busiest days because it was when exhibits opened. It made sense, and Brian knew better than to call Justin on Fridays. On only one occasion had Brian called on a Friday morning and been convinced he was talking to a dateless teenage girl the day before prom instead of Justin.
Brian paused for a moment with his hand on the door handle before throwing the door open and stepping inside and out of the rain.
---
Justin hated Friday mornings. They were always a blur of color and composition and he'd had nothing to do with their creation. At least he no longer had to run out in the morning to get coffee; that had been Elizabeth's job since he was promoted six weeks earlier.
"I can't figure out where to put that goddamn sculpture." Justin pointed to a clay and wire monstrosity in the corner. Nearly everything else was in its place - impeccably so, Justin would gladly admit - except that. Elizabeth walked up beside him, tucked a cup of coffee into his hand, and examined the piece with the same intensity as he did.
"I say we throw it out back and let the garbage guys deal with it. I doubt the artist will even notice it's absent from the exhibit." She tugged on the end of her hair and made a face.
Justin made a face back and nudged her shoulder. It still frightened him how much she reminded him of Daphne. "He was so stoned when he dropped it off, I'd be surprised if he finds his way back here tonight."
Elizabeth nodded seriously, casting her eyes across the gallery to see if there was a place for the sculpture at all. "Like I said, Justin, let's just toss it... into... the... hello."
Justin was used to Elizabeth losing interest in what she was saying but when he looked in the direction her gaze was glued to, he realized there was a reason for her silence.
---
Brian waited by the front door, ignorant of the chill creeping into his skin because seeing Justin prevented him from feeling anything but warmth. He pushed his hair from his forehead and grimaced at the water pooling in his loafers.
His eyes first met those of a slender redhead who obviously liked what she saw. Moments later, Justin noticed Brian and his face lit up.
Unable to do anything but shrug, Brian waited for Justin to make his way across the gallery.
"You're fucking soaked," were his first words, and they shared a smile.
"That's what usually happens when you take a walk in the rain."
As he enclosed Justin into his arms, Brian felt himself loosening. What had been bound inside him tightly unraveled as Justin's hands rested on his back.
"What are you doing here?" Justin asked when he pulled away, realizing that Elizabeth was staring at them with her jaw dropped. He'd told her about Brian endlessly and he'd noticed early on that she was developing a crush on him like most everyone else did, just from the words Justin spoke of him.
"Justin, aren't you going to introduce me to your friend?" Elizabeth folded her hands behind her back and bounced excitedly on the tips of her toes.
"Yes, Justin," Brian urged, unable to keep the amusement out of his voice. "That is rather rude." Instead of waiting for the introduction, however, he took the initiative and stuck out a hand. "I'm Brian Kinney."
Elizabeth shook his hand vigorously. "Oh believe me, I know exactly who you are. Justin talks about you so much it would come off as fantastical if you didn't actually exist. But you do," she finished as she cast a look up and down his body, "oh yes, you do."
Brian looked at Justin and raised an eyebrow. Justin nodded and turned his attention to the gallery's latest gofer.
"Elizabeth, would you be fine finishing up here alone? I'll be back for the opening, of course, but..." He left his sentence unfinished, instead nodding toward Brian who feigned inattention.
"Yeah, yeah," Elizabeth agreed, tugging on her hair again. "I'll be fine. I can just call Chris and let him know you'll be preoccupied this afternoon." She overexaggerated a wink before saying goodbye to Brian and returning to work with only a few glances back at the couple.
Brian chuckled under his breath. "And you never told me about her because...?"
Justin passed a hand across his forehead, a habit that had grown out of his fingers being covered in paint most of the time. "Because," he began dramatically, "you probably wouldn't have come here if you knew Elizabeth was president of the New York chapter of your fan club." Justin waited to say this until she had taken the sculpture to the office, most likely to pitch it into the alley.
"She reminds me of..."
"Daphne," Justin finished. He felt Brian stiffen beside him.
"You know how I feel about couples -"
"Finishing each other's sentences? Yeah," he answered nonchalantly before kissing Brian's chin, "I know how you feel about that. Just let me grab my bag and my jacket and we can head over to my place."
"Actually," Brian turned on his heel, waiting for Justin to slow down and look back. "I was thinking we could go back to my hotel. I'm sure it wouldn't be too hard to find a taxi despite the weather."
Justin thought for a moment, touching his lower lip that glistened with the rain from Brian's skin. "How about we go back to your hotel but we walk?" Justin's eyes sparkled with triumph because he knew he'd already won.
Brian looked at his clothes, still dripping onto the immaculate floor. What could it hurt to get a bit wetter? He knew the real reason was because the walk would make Justin happy, but Brian pushed it to the back of his mind and waited patiently for him to return.
---
The streets they walked down to get to the hotel were surprisingly silent, deserted even in the middle of the day. Brian liked having Justin all to himself in such a large city, one that was beginning to demand so much of Justin that Brian worried about him endlessly. He kept such thoughts to himself, knowing that giving them voice would breathe them into reality.
Justin clutched the sleeve of Brian's coat, pulling him down the street at a quicker pace.
"Hey!" Brian stopped mid-step, jerking Justin back. "You're the one who wanted to walk, so we're going to walk." He took several steps with unnatural slowness and Justin threw his hands up.
"I didn't know I'd want you so badly once we started." His words sounded strange to them both and Justin grew silent, standing in front of Brian and wondering what would happen next.
Brian burrowed his hands deeper into his pockets, fingers encountering pools of water. "I know what you mean. It's been ages since we last saw each other." His tone was humorous, melodramatic but he meant every word of what he said.
A hand slapped Brian in the chest and he felt the breath leave his lungs but for a different reason. "It hasn't been that long, Brian. If we don't talk about it, it seems like it hasn't been very long. At least, that's how I like to look at it."
That doesn't change anything, Brian thought, but kept it to himself. Instead, he pulled Justin against a building and kissed him.
Justin's lips had always tasted the same, since that first night together and every time since. They almost seemed different this time but Brian realized it was the potency. If he never saw Justin again, would Brian forget the taste of his kisses?
"Well," Justin began when he pulled away, his hands spread across the front of Brian's coat, which glistened with orbs of water that seemed to contain their own world.
"I realized I hadn't done that yet and it just seemed..." Brian hesitated. Like something to do? he thought. Like the right thing to do?
Before he could think of the right thing to say, Justin's hand tightened on Brian's coat, scattering the water worlds, and he kissed him back.
Brian was suffused with that warmth only Justin contained and he knew he could stand in the rain forever as long as they kissed or touched or spoke.
But what could he say anymore? He'd been fucking terrified at the thought of flying to New York, surprising Justin, and doing what? Fucking like that was all Justin was to him, all he was good for?
"Say it," Justin interrupted Brian's thoughts. "I know something’s on your mind, so just say it." The words were exasperated, a plea, and Justin leaned his head against the building they had sought shelter against.
"It's nothing," Brian lied, stepping into the rain again and nodding his head toward their destination. "We can talk at the hotel."
Justin couldn't help but laugh at the emphasis in Brian's voice, ignoring the seriousness that spread Brian's lips into a line.
They continued on, talking about trivialities as the gutters overflowed with water, spilling waterfalls across the sidewalks. Justin wanted to know about Debbie and Carl and Emmett and Ted and Gus and the whole gang, really. It was during this discussion that Brian realized he hadn't kept up on anyone's whereabouts as well as he thought he had. He knew Justin could tell he was thinking too hard about them and changed the subject to what Justin had been doing in New York since arriving months earlier.
This was the first time they'd seen each other since Brian made love to him at the loft and held him until Justin slipped away like he'd never been his from the start.
Brian was glad Justin was doing well even if he hadn't become the darling of the art world like he'd hoped. It would take time, Brian wanted to tell him, but Justin's entire being centered on that becoming a reality and the last thing Brian wanted to cause Justin was pain. It bothered him, the thought that he’d been the cause of so much of it since their meeting.
When their words dried up, Brian and Justin took more notice of the weather. They were both soaked through, the wind and rain finally winning the war against their garments. Justin tried to prevent his teeth from chattering but was unsuccessful and Brian wished there was something he could do to keep him warm. On two occasions, he tried to hail a cab but Justin wouldn't allow it and they continued to walk as the sky released its sorrow onto their heads.
As they crossed the last street, hotel in sight, Justin commented on how much he'd enjoyed their walk. His teeth still chattered, his skin paled with reddened cheeks, and his hair darkened slightly with the rain. When Brian asked why, unable to reason, Justin smiled, wide and bright, and said it was always a good thing to know what limits he could push Brian to. Dragging him across the city like a wet dog, apparently, was nowhere near the breaking point. Smile widening a fraction more, he walked into the hotel and breathed in warm air so different from the cold wind Brian continued to inhale outside.
---
"It's been raining like this for days."
Brian rolled his eyes as he poured their drinks. He knew he should have checked the weather reports before leaving for the airport.
Upon arriving, Brian changed into the hotel-offered robe. He had called for another to be sent up but Justin remained in his clothes, looking out the window as if he were going to jump through it.
Brian drained his glass and made himself another before returning to the window. His fingers pressed against Justin's as the glass passed hands but he wasn't entirely sure they had; his hands were still numb.
Justin thanked him before turning his eyes back to the window as he drank.
"It's incredible how quickly you grow to love this city. You hate it at the same time, though. You'd fit right in. That was my first thought when I got here." Justin folded an arm across his chest, swaying slightly to music only he could hear.
Brian knew it was true but any thoughts of living in New York were far from his mind now that he could look at Justin in person, reach out and touch him if the mood suited him. Why they hadn't torn each other's clothes off and fucked in front of the open door was beyond Brian, but he knew he hadn't felt like doing so and Justin seemed just as disinterested.
"I'm here because of Ted." Brian didn't look at Justin but he knew what expression he wore on his face. "I was going to come a few days ago but I just sat on my bed and didn't get up."
"You think you need a reason to see me." It wasn't a question and Justin looked at Brian over the rim of his glass when their eyes met.
"I do." The words were truthfully, softly spoken but not as a promise.
"No. You don't." Justin set his glass on the windowsill and walked up to Brian until the warmth and chill from their bodies mingled. "I know you love me, Brian, and I know that I love you. We should never need a reason to see each other. My work here isn't any more or less important than you probably make it out to be. Your voice and your words on a computer aren't enough for me, you should know that by now."
Justin's fingers curled around Brian's forearms and he leaned up to press his lips to Brian's chin, cheek, whatever he could reach without having to open his eyes and see the war going on behind Brian's eyes. He was relieved to feel Brian's fingers slip beneath the second skin of his shirt, unbutton his wet pants and shove the water heavy fabric down his legs. Every point of warmth on his body was a place Brian had touched. He was grateful for the walk in the rain if only to feel again because of Brian's fingers on his body.
The rain continued to pulse against the window and more than once Justin remembered the first time he'd been in a hotel room with Brian. He'd felt like a kid, new to the world, and running away to New York was the only option he felt he'd had when things began to crumble where a future with Brian was concerned. He'd stayed in the entire time, watched shitty pay-per-view movies and gorged on junk food, and then Brian had shown up, sweaty and smelly from a car ride with the three amigos and God, Justin couldn't think of a time when he'd wanted Brian more.
Except now.
New York weighed heavily on him despite his love for it and Brian took that weight and told it to fuck off while they touched and kissed, came undone in each other's presence. Justin knew it would be enough until the next time and next time would be enough until the time after that. Who knew, maybe then they could be together in the same city, the same life.
Brian's lips and fingers mapped his body as if it contained treasure and Justin looked to the rain that hadn't let up and probably wouldn't even after Brian left. This was New York, this was the right season for it, and Justin knew that was the way of the world. He had Brian; what was a little rain?
When the inspiration struck, Justin would paint something for Ted. It was the least he could do for bringing Brian to him in the flesh, which was slick with rain but warming beneath Justin's fumbling fingers that would grow surer with the passing minutes spent reacquainting one with the other.