Entry tags:

#lmom 2008, author: emiime, kink: bad sex, remus/alice longbottom, remus/percy, remus/sirius

LMOM, Day 13: Cowardice (Remus/Percy, Remus/Sirius, Remus/Alice, R)
Title: Cowardice
Author: emiime
Rating: R
Pairing: Remus/Percy, Remus/Sirius, Remus/Alice
Kink(s): Bad sex
Challenge: Lusty Month of May 2008
Word Count: 2089
Summary: Sirius and Remus have a falling-out, and Remus seeks comfort.
Notes: I surprised myself a little with this one, honestly.

(Did you miss something? Day One Day Two Day Three Day Four Day Five Day Six Day Seven Day Eight Day Nine Day Ten Day Eleven Day Twelve)

"So, tell me," asked Percy that afternoon, "Were you and Sirius exclusive all through school?"

"Oh, no," replied Remus, "In fact, there was a period of about a month in the spring of our seventh year when we were barely speaking, let alone doing…anything else."

Percy frowned. "Why? What happened?"

"Well, said Remus, "Do you remember how I told you that Sirius wanted to be less, shall I say, discreet than I would have liked?"

Percy nodded, and Remus continued. "We eventually fell out over it. It, ah, wasn't pleasant. To say the least. Sirius Black was not a person you wanted to have angry with you, let me tell you. He could hold a grudge like no one else could." He paused, remembering.

"Sirius called me names I probably shouldn't repeat, and a few I will—coward, for one. He said I wasn't fit to be in Gryffindor. James walked in right about when Sirius began throwing things and he got in the middle of it, shoved Sirius down on his bed and ordered him to stay there—god, I remember it all so clearly."

---

(Nineteen seventy-eight)

"Fuck you, then, you fucking coward!" Sirius shouted, right in Remus's face, jabbing a finger into Remus's chest. Remus set his quavering jaw and brought up a hand to wipe the spit from his face that had sprayed from Sirius's mouth when he shouted.

"Sirius, fuck, I'm not a coward, I just can't—"

"Yes, you can! You can, you're just too bloody frightened!" He shoved Remus and stormed to the window. Remus thought for a moment he might punch it, but Sirius stopped himself, kicking the wall instead.

"Gryffindor, my arse," he muttered, then he turned to face Remus.

"You," he said, pointing at Remus again, "You have got nothing more to lose than I have. You're just a fucking pansy-arsed little cry-baby who can't handle the fact that he might be a little different from most of the rest of the blokes in the school. I'm hardly ready to announce it to the world, dammit, but I want to be with you! And if you can't handle the fact that we both have cocks, then fuck you, Remus. Fuck. You." Sirius slumped against the wall for a moment, looking up through his hair, clearly awaiting a response.

Remus slumped onto the end of his bed. "I'm sorry," he managed through his throat, which was thick with regret that he'd even started this conversation. "I can't." He knew that if he responded to Sirius's rising temper, he would probably only make it worse, and besides he knew he couldn't match Sirius in volume or in the variety of his insults, so he just sat, weak and cowardly—he knew that he was. He just couldn't admit it, not out loud. Not to Sirius.

"You're weak," Sirius spat, and he crossed to his trunk and threw it open. He pulled out a sheaf of parchment, balled it up, and threw it at Remus. "Keep your fucking letters, you twat," he shouted, "And you can keep your stupid book, too—" He pulled the book Remus had given him for his last birthday from his trunk and made as if to throw it, but a blurred shape streaked across the room and shoved Sirius, hard. The book smacked onto the floor.

"What the bloody fucking hell do you think you're doing?" said James, shoving Sirius again. Remus scrambled further back on his bed, poised for flight.

"Moony's a fucking coward poofter twat," yelled Sirius, his face crimson, pointing at Sirius and Struggling in James's grip.

"No, he bloody well is not," retorted James, shoving Sirius down onto his bed.

"No—James—" said Remus, standing up and holding onto one of the posts of his bed. "No, he's right. I am."

James only stared, and there was no sound for a moment until Sirius spat a triumphant "Ha!"

---

Percy's eyes were wide, his mouth clamped shut and showing white around his lips.

"I know," said Remus, "It sounds awful, doesn't it? It wasn't as bad as I'm making it sound. Sirius had a temper, it's true. I don't think I can make you understand, since you never really knew him. He'd split from his family by then, and he thought he had nothing to lose. I, on the other hand, had everything to lose—you understand. I think you and I were a lot alike."

"We are now," said Percy, "So—then—yes. I understand that much, at least." He paused. "Remus, I don't want to judge something I wasn't a part of, but it sounds like Sirius was, ah—"

"A bit of an arse."

Percy nodded. "That—yes."

Remus nodded as well. "He was, but not in the way that you're probably thinking. You'll see what I mean, eventually, but there's another story that comes before that one."

"Tell me," said Percy, and Remus did.

---

(Nineteen seventy-eight)

Remus made his way down to the lake, appalled with himself for the way he'd acted. Sirius was right, he chided himself, You are a bloody coward. Gryffindor, my arse.

He continued to berate himself as he threw himself down under one of the big oaks near the water. He never heard Alice approach, but then there she was, settling next to him and taking his hand in hers.

Neither of them spoke for a long moment.

"I'm fine," Remus finally said, in response to Alice's unasked question.

"I know," she said, but she squeezed his hand anyway.

There was another pause before either of them spoke again.

"How are you?"

"Fine," said Alice, "Also fine, thanks."

Remus turned to her. "And how's Frank?"

Alice coloured. "Oh, you be quiet," she said, slapping him playfully.

Remus knew—as did everyone else in their year—that Alice Campbell and Frank Longbottom were mad about each other. The only two who hadn't seemed to realise it yet were Alice and Frank themselves.

"You and he will be married before anyone else in our year, just watch," Remus predicted. "Except maybe James and Lily."

He couldn't help but give a little sigh at the end of his pronouncement—his casual mention of James had brought back the entire scene in the dormitory that the calm environment of the lakeshore had begun to ease away. He turned away so Alice couldn't see the pained expression on his face.

"Oh, whatever you say, Remus," said Alice, but there was still an edge of playfulness to her voice, and Remus wondered if she might be beginning to see what everyone else already knew to be true.

He turned to tease her again, but she had leaned over, ostensibly to pluck a leaf from his robes. Their face nearly collided, and that was when Alice gave a soft "Oh" and somehow, Remus found himself kissing her.

He'd only ever kissed one girl before—he had been seven years old, and she was visiting her grandmother who lived a few houses down. Polly, her name had been—but, god, none of that mattered right now, because Alice was kissing him, and besides it being terribly awkward, everyone knew that she and Frank belonged to each other. So why was she kissing Remus?

He broke away, panicking. "I'm sorry," he said immediately.

"I'm not," said Alice. "Would you like to—maybe—? I don't go around throwing myself at people, but you look like you've had a bit of a shit day and, honestly, so have I, so I wondered—we don't have to, though, if you don't want to. I just thought—relief, you know?"

Remus nodded. He definitely did know. He wasn't sure if he was up for having intercourse—with a female, no less—but just about anything would be better than the scene he kept replaying in his head, Sirius shouting at him and throwing books and parchment.

"Let's go," he decided, grabbing her hand and tugging her up.

They made it as far as the Quidditch equipment shed, and no father.

"In here," said Alice, and she tugged him inside, slamming the door behind them.

It was dark in the shed, and Remus didn't have a clue what he was doing, but he didn't dare light his wand, for fear someone might discover them. Alice's robes rustled as she slipped them off, and he hastily undid his own, hesitated, then decided he might as well take his trousers off, too.

A moment later, he felt a hand on his crotch, and he jerked backwards, banging his head on the wall.

"Shit," whispered Alice, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. Here—" and her hand was on him again, at his hip this time.

"All right?" she asked, and Remus nodded, then realised she couldn't see him.

"Yes," he whispered, "All right." It wasn't, really—if Alice were Sirius, he'd be hard as a rock right now, but his cock lay flaccid, hiding in his y-fronts.

"I think—let's get down on this bench," said Alice then, and they manoeuvred themselves so Remus faced Alice on the bench, both their legs spread. Alice took one of his hands and placed it on her thigh, then continued her exploration of Remus's body.

"We can just get off together," she said, "This doesn't have to be anything—you know. Serious."

Remus cringed. "Serious," he repeated, "Right. Not serious." And the fact that Alice was very much not Sirius made him start shaking a little. What the bloody hell was he doing in this little shed that stank of Quidditch sweat and the leather of Quaffles and spare pads?

He shook harder, but forced himself to continue. He stroked a finger along the ridge of Alice's knickers where they lay against her thigh, then poked it experimentally under them, until it brushed against her pubic hair.

Alice gave a little tremble and palmed his crotch again.

"Are you all right?" she asked, getting no response from his cock other than a half-hearted twitch. "Here, maybe I could—" and she slid off the bench, grabbed Remus's thighs, and tugged him around so she could kneel between them. He felt hot breath, then, over his cock, and he could almost imagine it was Sirius—except, no, no, it wasn't because they wouldn't be in this stupid equipment shed and Sirius would be talking the whole time and Remus would be hard, dammit, and when Alice tugged his y-fronts down and put her mouth on his cock, Remus fell off the bench.

"Oh, buggering hell," Alice swore. "Remus?"

"Yes," he answered after a moment, "I'm—I hit my head."

Alice was there, then, helping him to sit up, hugging him from behind, their mission aborted for the time being.

"Alice," he said a moment later, when his head wasn't swimming quite so badly, "I'm so sorry."

She leaned her head on his shoulder.

"I understand," she said against his sweat-damp shirt.

"You do?"

"I understand about you and Sirius," she said.

Remus went cold.

"Oh," he replied after a moment. "I didn't know that anyone did." His mouth was dry, and his palms began to sweat.

"It's okay. I think it's lovely," Alice replied. "You're lucky." She covered one of his hands with hers.

It took Remus a moment too long to answer. "Not as lucky as you and Frank," he finally said.

"Oh—" she protested, then she propped her chin up on his shoulder. "Do you really think so?"

Remus adjusted his pants and turned around. His eyes had adjusted to the dark and he could just make out her shape there in front of him, her white brassiere and knickers standing out.

"Of course," he said, and they clasped hands.

"Thank you," Alice said, and they stood as one and dressed themselves, fumbling for their clothes in the darkness.

When they had left the confines of the equipment shed, Remus laughed when he saw what a state Alice was in. Her robes were fastened wrong, her hair was mussed, and she had a smear of dirt on her cheek.

"You don't look much better," she laughed, "I wouldn't tease, if I were you."

They walked up to the castle together, and into the Gryffindor common room. Alice paused at the bottom of the staircase to the girls' dorms.

"Listen, Remus," she said, "I'm not entirely sure what's going on, but, just…good luck."

Remus pressed his lips together and nodded and began the long trek upstairs.