|Thomas Julian Kemp (asterismos) wrote in nevermore_logs,|
@ 2013-06-04 19:20:00
|Entry tags:||jameson kemp, nerd, thomas kemp|
WHO: Thomas, Nerd and Jamie
WHAT: HAI, YOU'RE MY BABYMOTHER / Things Thomas didn't mean Jamie to hear
WHEN: Monday afternoonish
WHERE: Kemps apartment
Thomas had been on his way to visit Kat in the hospital, bouquet of flowers in hand. It was warm and sunny, so Thomas had decided to walk. In the end, he wasn't sure if he was pleased or if he wished he had made a different choice. Not a city block from his apartment, he noticed someone who looked familiar.
When he realised who the person was, he was so startled he dropped the bouquet.
"Dana?" he called out, and he watched the familiar woman stop and stare at him. Her eyes widened in recognition and then he saw her turn away from him. She was trying to run. With his heart in his throat, he yelled, "no, stop!" and he sprinted faster than he had in quite some time to get right in her way. "Dana!" he said, breathless. "Fucking hell, it is you!" She looked exactly as she had nearly nineteen years ago. And it wasn't that she just hadn't changed much. She hadn't changed at all.
"Tommy," Dana said, offering him a guilty look.
Thomas gasped for breath for a moment before crossing his arms. "Don't go, please. Talk to me. You left once." When she nodded, he pointed towards his apartment. "I live right there. Can we talk there? Because you- You have to explain some things to me." Like that she was apparently immortal. She nodded again, and he led her back up to his apartment, careful never to lose sight of her. Apparently flighty was a personality trait with her.
The moment the door had closed behind them, Thomas strode to the other side of the room and turned so he could watch her. At least here he could freak out and people wouldn't watch him. "You're-" His voice was shaking and he needed very much to take a deep breath and collect himself which was easier said than done. It took several moments before he could really speak. "You're a- an immortal," he said, not needing to ask if it was true or not. She honestly hadn't aged a day.
"Thomas," Serenity raised her hands and Thomas immediately took offence to the fact that she was trying to calm him down. How could he remain calm?! This woman had abandoned himself and his son, and now he was finding out she was some kind of god?!
"Don't!" he yelled, louder than he meant to. "You don't get to calm me down! Who are you? I think I deserve the truth." It was little wonder now that he had never been successful in tracking her down if 'Dana Somers' had always been simply an alias.
His heart crashed against his ribcage as he waited for an answer. He watched her shift her weight, and lick her lips, seemingly doing anything to stall until finally she opened her mouth to speak. "I didn't know you knew. You're right, Tommy. I'm newer than some. It's hard to explain, but I guess you could call me the god of the nerd subculture?"
Dumbstruck at the idea that there was a god of the nerds, Thomas forgot his anger for a moment. "Uh. Okay?" Well he had met Goth, so he supposed Nerd wasn't too much of a stretch. He found that knowing didn't actually make him feel better, however. It just hurt more. "So 'Dana' was all a lie?" Thomas had loved Dana a great deal, and if she was just a made up person...just a game to someone-
"She was part of me!" Serenity protested. "I go by Serenity now, but I'm the same person." She looked crushed, and Thomas was torn between wanting to comfort her and scream in her face. Instead he stayed where he was, trying to shut out the fact that it hurt just a little to see her in pain.
Unable to really take all of this in, Thomas scrubbed a hand over his face before pointing at her, a little viciously. "You weren't eighteen then? When you gave birth to our son?" God, she could have been ancient. How long had nerds existed?
A deep breath and then, "no. I was around thirty-"
"Thirty!?" Thomas shrieked before he could calm himself. If anything, knowing she was immortal was worse than if he had found out she had died or something unfortunate had happened to her, because it made the betrayal so much more terrible. "I was a child!" The excuses he had made for her no longer existed. So many times he had told himself she had been young and scared too, but all of it was a lie. It hurt. "Do you understand that? I was a child and I had no idea what I was doing!" He started to pace and while he did so, he pulled his bow tie off and flung it at the sofa. He was angry and hot. His suit jacket followed after and he even undid a few buttons of his shirt.
Serenity was clearly overwhelmed. "Are we going to fight now, Thomas, is that what's going to happen here?"
"Oh don't!" Thomas growled and he spun around to glare at her, shoving his hair out of his eyes. He was careful to never advance on her or look, even for a moment, like he might try to hurt her. This wasn't about that, he just needed her to understand. He had to unburden his suddenly very burdened soul or the anger would eat him alive. "We're not going to fight, but you left us and you're going to stand there and listen to everything I have to say, dammit! Why- Why the fuck didn't you tell me?"
With a heavy sigh, Serenity dropped onto the sofa, seemingly accepting that she was about to be screamed at for rather a long time. "You were the first human I ever fell for. And yes, Thomas, I did fall for you." It was the first time she had ever called him his full name, like she finally accepted that they were equal in this. "You tried to be so tough, but there was something underneath it all I really loved."
Hearing that didn't make Thomas feel any better. "You didn't answer my question," he said, his tone cold.
She groaned and leaned forward to rest her elbows on her knees. At least she didn't look like she was going to run. "Right. You're right. I couldn't."
"Bullshit," Thomas hissed at her. "I didn't change my name. It takes about five minutes on Google to find me. Did you even think about us? Ever?"
A moment of vindictive pleasure was enjoyed by Thomas when Serenity looked upset by that, followed immediately by shame. He shouldn't be taking joy in someone else's pain. "A few times."
His head fell a little and Thomas crossed his arms because his stomach felt like it had filled with lead. "Fuck you," he whispered. "I raised our son and he's wonderful. He's the best person I've ever met. I could handle you leaving me. It would have hurt, but I could get over it. I did get over it. I can't forgive you for leaving him. Jamie deserves better than you."
"You're right!" Serenity protested, cocking her head like he had just somehow proven her point. "I would have been a terrible mother-"
"It doesn't matter!" he roared at her, gesturing wildly with his arms. "So you don't do the maternal thing, you didn't have to walk out of his life completely! Be a friend, be a confidante. Be anything. You are his mother. You leaving doesn't magically change that. And fuck knows I could have used the help and he could have used the support." Emotional exhaustion was creeping in and he leaned against the wall to keep himself upright.
"I can't change the past," she said, sounding helpless.
"Believe me," Thomas nearly whispered, "I know. But goddamn, Dan- Serenity. Whoever you are. Do you even understand what you left us to? Did you ever check in?" When she shook her head, anger once again erupted in his chest.
Understanding now what she was made Thomas feel absolutely irate about the things he had gone through while raising Jamie on his own. Clearly, none of it would have been necessary if Serenity had lent even the minimum of assistance. "So you were thirty when you essentially ruined my life." Thomas would feel horrible about saying that later, but he was furious and it was all spilling out. "Let me guess. Are you independently wealthy?"
It was clear Serenity didn't really want to answer, but she did so with a hesitant, "...yes."
"Fucking hell," Thomas whispered, lowering his head into his hands. When he looked at her again, his expression was both angry and sad. "We had nearly nothing. We spent the first ten years of his life in a studio apartment. It was shitty and dirty and cold. The neighbourhood wasn't safe and our apartment got broken into a few times, though to be honest there was shit all to steal. Jamie's bedroom was a closet. I was on foodstamps and welfare and it still wasn't enough."
While Serenity looked guilty, what she said was, "It looks like you're doing okay now-"
"No! No you don't get to say that!" he screamed, losing a bit of his control. He had spent years working so hard on controlling his once infamous and fiery temper, and it seemed all that was needed to draw it out again was Jamie's mother. "I had to work my ass off to get this far! I kept up two, sometimes three jobs! I took night classes while working so I could try to get a degree since I didn't finish high school. Then I studied teaching but it was hard. It was hard all the time! And now it turns out none of it was necessary if you had just contributed."
Serenity shifted uncomfortably on the sofa, and she did indeed look apologetic. "I didn't think-"
"That's obvious! I had to beg Salvation Army to pay our heating bill so we didn't freeze in the winter. Jesus, twice people offered me money to blow them while I was working as a bar back and I agreed just so I could make rent and buy groceries. Do you understand that? I was going to leave like you did, I really was. I was scared too. I had a bus ticket in my pocket the entire time he was being born! But I didn't leave! I stayed and it was horrible. I starved for that kid. I gave up everything for him. What did you do? Nothing!"
It was unfortunate that Thomas hadn't heard the door open, but when he caught movement out of the corner of his eye, he saw his son standing in front of the door. He had no idea how much of his tirade Jamie had heard, but any of the last thirty seconds had been truly terrible and his tone had been dismissive in a way he didn't mean. "Shit, Jamie-"