|atdelphi (atdelphi) wrote in hp_beholder,|
@ 2014-04-17 14:05:00
|Entry tags:||beholder 2014, dudley dursley, dudley dursley/millicent bulstrode, fic, het, millicent bulstrode, rating:r|
FIC: "The Perils of Arousal on School Grounds" for nothorse
Title: The Perils of Arousal on School Grounds
Pairings: Dudley Dursley/Millicent Bulstrode, with a Filius Flitwick/Poppy Pomfrey cameo
Word Count: 4,098 words
Warnings/Content Information (Highlight to View): *none*.
Summary: Thanks to a student’s prank, Hogwarts is in sudden need of a new caretaker, in addition to the already-open post of Keeper of Keys and Grounds. The portrait of Albus connives, Minerva is secretly grateful, Filius and Poppy find out where making assumptions gets them, and Millicent and Dudley discover the difficulties and rewards of living a married life at Hogwarts.
Author's Notes: Many thanks to all involved with the production and consumption of this fic.
“That’ll teach Chilcott to mess around with Transfiguration he doesn’t understand!”
“Those poor children! You could see her nipples--nipples!”
“That wasn’t all you could--”
“Poor children? It’s Argus I feel sorry for, having the love of his life trapped for years in a mangy cat’s body--”
“I told you that’s the only way he’d be getting any pussy,” murmured Septima sotto voce, although not sotto enough to avoid being soundly smacked on the arm by a scandalized Aurora Sinistra.
“--only to have her finally return to her true form in front of the entire staff and student body, mother-naked and with half a mouse digesting in her stomach.” Pomona Sprout paused and shook her head. “On second thought, perhaps it’s Mrs Norris I feel sorriest for.”
Minerva McGonagall, Headmistress of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, rapped the table to forestall the emergency staff meeting from derailing before it had even properly begun.
“We usually don’t teach Sexual Development and Sorcery until the spring, when nature forces our hand by flaunting her sexuality in all its furred, fanged, and spiny-penised glory--”
“It was one measly Galumphing Hornswoggle,” Septima interjected.
The interruption was quelled by Minerva’s right eyebrow inching imperiously up her forehead as she continued, “--and when the students are getting restless anyway.” It was obvious where this was headed, and most of the quills in the room began refiguring the next day’s lesson plans, cutting expendable examples and adjusting homework assignments, so that, by the time the Headmistress reached, “I am sorry to ask you to disrupt your schedules tomorrow by beginning each class with twenty minutes of introductory sexual development instruction, from the perspective of your particular discipline and appropriate to student age,” the necessary arrangements had already been made. It was one of those distasteful but inescapable tasks, like taking your turn at renewing the leak-proofing charms on the school’s ancient cesspit, and it wasn’t as if it were Minerva’s fault that their students had been exposed to involuntary public nudity.