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Tweak says, "COME AT ME BRO!"

Ryan Hertz (glasshalfdoomed) wrote in gooseberry,
@ 2017-01-09 22:37:00

Entry tags:

! log, ryan hertz, zoey valentine

WHO: Ryan Hertz and Zoey Valentine
WHEN: Monday evening, January 9
WHERE: The Lodge
WHAT: Ryan and Zoey hang out. Talk. You know. Stuff.

It might have been weird to find himself hanging out in the lodge again, after just being forced to stay there all night, but Ryan hadn't really minded last night's impromptu quarantine of sorts. He was becoming used to them, and it was easy enough to find a book from the library to pass the time. Of course, sleeping had proven a little more difficult. He wasn't exactly scared of all the things he'd heard people talking about seeing or hearing normally, but last night it had seemed much more possible. And then there were the thoughts of his father. Typically, he could keep them locked away deep down, but with the mention of parent teacher conferences and with everyone being locked to sleep somewhere that wasn't typical for them, he found himself tossing and turning more than usual. He also found himself remembering more and more of his past, which had stuck with him throughout the day today.

Once dinner was finished, he found a cozy place to sit, having brought a notebook and book to read. Ryan didn't mind his roommates most of the time, and he didn't today either, but a little peace and solitude was definitely called for.

Although, if he were honest, he would have admitted to feeling a little lonely. Oh well.

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valentinez
2017-01-09 11:57 pm UTC (link)

Getting trapped for the blizzard had done wonders for Z. While other students might have been nervous or chatty, she'd ended up sleeping far better than had become usual. She'd snoozed through most of the hubbub and woken up almost refreshed.

Today, she was back to strategizing for her potions senior project, and had spent an extra couple hours in the classroom planning for the next few months of moon cycles. Later, in Astronomy, she'll double-check and jot down little ideas in the margins of her notes for today's class -- but right now it's time for a break, so it's down to the Atrium with a mug of tea.

Ryan is there.

Not thinking much of it -- kind of a new thing for them, considering the way things have been for so long -- Z slides over the back of the seat next to him, and into the spot just at his side. She's not an incredibly graceful person except in little snatches like this, though she nearly spills a drop or two of chamomile (spiked with the extra gentle calming draught she'd perfected over break) with a breathless little "woah."

"Hi."

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glasshalfdoomed
2017-01-10 01:12 am UTC (link)

Currently, Ryan is gazing blankly at the pages in front of him, which probably looks like he's actually reading. In reality, his thoughts are still whirling a mile a minute, and he's finding it difficult to focus. Usually thoughts of Zoey dance around his head distractedly, but right now he's preoccupied on the more depressing end of the spectrum. Why did Gooseberry suddenly need parent teacher conferences anyway? To make people feel even shittier about having no one?

The bitter thoughts are interrupted by the sudden appearance of someone literally sliding over the back of the couch. Surprise replaces the intensity on his features first, before he registers the familiar dark head. A small smile quirks his lips as he watches Zoey make her move into the space next to him, though it's a little more dimmed than it has been for the past few weeks today.

An eyebrow raises in amusement as he notices the cup in her hands, still in tact, as she settles beside him. "Hi yourself." Blue eyes study the cup with interest and admiration. "That was a rather impressive maneuver."

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valentinez
2017-01-10 06:18 pm UTC (link)

Z flashes him a big grin. It lacks some of the usual sleepiness.

"Why thank you. I know a few."

She takes a moment to make herself comfortable, sliding a giant schoolbag off her shoulder. More tea. "What are you reading? Anything cool?"

Anything cool, to Z, is literally anything. Her calm is most often tested by interesting books. She moves to glance at the cover of Ryan's book.

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glasshalfdoomed
2017-01-10 11:47 pm UTC (link)

Ryan can immediately see that she doesn't look as tired as normal. He won't point out that the impromptu sleepover seemed to really work for her, because wasn't it bad form to tell a girl she looked tired? Especially when she was beautiful either way?

"Oh a few, huh?" he muses, grin widening a bit at her playfulness. It's impossible not to feel his mood lift a little at Z's cheerfulness, though there's still something in his eyes.

Looking down at the book as she asks, he seems to remember it was there at all. "Oh. Just Hemingway." He doesn't quite remember it's a muggle author, though. Not at the moment. "The Sun Also Rises." Moving it towards her more so she can see, Ryan waits to see if she's read it or not.

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valentinez
2017-01-11 08:21 pm UTC (link)

Z makes a playful little face at him. She holds her tea out to him in an unspoken offer.

"Just Hemingway. Ah. I liked A Farewell to Arms? "Liked" seems like... a weird word for it, I guess. Do you know what I mean? ..."

These monolithic figures of literature.

She reaches into her bag for a moment, fumbling with the choir of notebooks within, and pulls out Potions notes to peruse. Then something occurs to her, and she softly nudges Ryan with her elbow.

"Oh -- right. How are you today? I'm so impolite."

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glasshalfdoomed
2017-01-13 01:44 am UTC (link)

Ryan studies the cup carefully for a few moments, mentally weighing the pros of it being caffeine (he hoped) with the cons of it not being coffee as he debated whether to take a sip. Ultimately, his thirst wins out. A sip is taken.

"Hey, I wasn't sure if you'd heard of it since he is no-maj," he says in his defense, though can't help smirking. Of course Zoey knows it. She knows everything. "That one is another of my favorites actually, so yeah. I do." Ryan knows it's weird to really be into an author like Hemingway, but he can't help what he likes. It's different.

His eyes seem drawn to her as she rustles through her bag, taking her in when he thinks she's not paying attention. It seems less pathetic that way somehow.

Ryan's smile is amused and affectionate at her apology, and he waves aside her assessment of being impolite. "I'm...eh? I guess? If that's an answer?" Shaking his head, he shrugs it off. "But it's fine. I'm fine. How are you?"

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valentinez
2017-01-15 03:13 pm UTC (link)

"My dad's always been like... Z, you have to know these things. Like. No-maj stuff. You know? ... I think he'd like you. If you guys meet, you should talk about books."

Ryan has met everyone of importance to her except for dear old dad, Michael, whose schedule is even more ridiculous than her mother's. It sometimes seems silly, considering he mostly studies Really Old Art and stone walls and such, but as she gets older Zoey finds she appreciates (and knows about) those things more than she often realizes.

Z settles with a notebook on her lap, leaning almost unconsciously into Ryan as she half-reads. Any attention on the page is tested almost immediately, though. Eh?

"I'm okay," she says slowly. "I mean... Right now. I have soooo much to do though."

Then something occurs to her, and she turns her face to look at him more fully. "Maybe tell me more about you. I mean ... What's eh ...?"

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glasshalfdoomed
2017-01-20 12:55 pm UTC (link)

Ryan can't help but smile a little at the mention of her dad. He's pretty sure that her dad probably won't like him, but maybe that's just the old insecurities again. He doesn't have the heart to mention the doubt to Z. "That sounds like fun. I think I'd enjoy that." Her mother had been...intimidating, to say the least. Ryan couldn't tell how she felt about him.

A companionable silence falls, and it's nice to have Zoey leaning against him as they read. It's not an awkward silence. Just...comfortable. He's forgotten how nice it is to just sit with someone who doesn't feel the need to fill the silence with forced conversation. There's communication here, but silent.

"Don't you always have a lot to do?" he teases, bumping against her playfully. It's not meant as a dig. He appreciates how hard she always works. Ryan is looking back at his book when he notices her shifting beside him, making him look up with a sort of panic in his eyes at her question.

"Uh, well, it's nothing really?" A hand goes to the back of his head, which is a telltale sign that he's at a loss. "Just this whole parent-teacher thing," he finally admits, practically mumbling the words.

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valentinez
2017-01-20 05:55 pm UTC (link)

"Heh, yeah. Juuuust a little."

It was easy to joke about.

Z giggles a little, but her expression drops and softens at the look of worry in Ryan's eyes. He touches the back of his head, and she furrows her brow at him.

"Oh." A small pause. "I'm... Honestly, I'm not too excited about it either."

She had an idea of how it would go, and it wasn't going to be much fun.

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glasshalfdoomed
2017-01-20 06:04 pm UTC (link)

Seeing Zoey's smile drop makes his own heart sink and he instantly feels bad about saying anything at all. Why is he suddenly compelled to talk about his feelings? Why can't he get Chris' words about telling her out of his mind?

Seeing her expression as she mentions not being happy about it either, concern flickers in his eyes. "I can imagine," he says softly, not pitying but more genuine. "Is your mom going to come then?" Maybe he can deflect the need or opportunity to discuss his disgusting father by making sure Zoey is alright.

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valentinez
2017-01-20 10:38 pm UTC (link)

Z nods.

It's not that she doesn't want to see her mother -- they have their happy moments, still, gossiping about MACUSA things and plotting vacations or testing out recipes. It's just weird sometimes lately. More than it used to be. ...By a lot. She doesn't really say any of this out loud; it's sort of implied in the slump of her shoulders, and how she touches his fingers with her own.

"It'll be okay. Just something to get through. Maybe it'll -- it could be good, you know? I'm going to show mum the things I've been working on, and... If she sees them in the context of everything else, it could be helpful? But... Eh."

Likely not at all. A part of her knows this fairly well, but all of her readings have come up totally indecipherable lately; maybe the universe is still making up its mind about a lot of things, maybe it's okay to assume the best for once. It's less exhausting, even if it feels less true.

"What's eh about all of it for you? Do you want to talk about it?"

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glasshalfdoomed
2017-01-21 11:50 pm UTC (link)

He watches as she seems to think about all that this visit might entail, but like always, Z bounces back to trying to see the positive. He nods, having seen her with her mom a little bit over break. They didn't seem to be fighting all the time.

"Right. She might see them here and realize what you're doing and it will just click for her too," he says with a nod. "But eh is still appropriate all around." A small smile here, just to keep it light. Ryan can tell she needs to assume it will all go well, and he wants to make her feel better if she's worried too.

The smile fades back to the discomfort as she asks if he wants to talk, and only the fact that her fingers are brushing his own seems to make him feel like maybe he should be honest for once. "Ah. Well. It's stupid really," he starts, knowing he sounds like an idiot but he's not good at these things. "I just, I feel really bad that nobody is going to come for me. I wish I had people who cared about me or embarrassed me or got irritated with me if I did stupid stuff." His fingers stay on Zoey's, though it's hard to make himself look at her as he says this.

"Though I'm glad, in a weird way, that my dad wouldn't dare come. It would be worse..." Trailing off, he shakes his head. "He's just not the kind of parent I want."

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valentinez
2017-01-24 03:03 am UTC (link)

"It's not stupid," Z says. Her voice is quiet. She leans in a little, to feel more like they're in their own little bubble. A secret place. "Feelings are... feelings."

She understands what he means. There are moments she's felt selfish, allowing herself to get so disillusioned with her own situation when it's nowhere near so bad as it could be, as other people experience. It's all relative, of course, but it isn't when you're thinking of someone you really care for.

A detached sorrow enters her face: clearly not for herself, but for Ryan. She tries to smile at him, crookedly.

"I think... I know what you mean. And I think... It's valid, Ryan, you know? Everyone wants to be loved. Right? Everyone wants some kind of family. And sometimes, it's not... Not what you're born with, but what you find along the way."

Presumably? Hypothetically?

She's read somewhere that people often defined love based on the first ways they had experienced it. She wonders what that meant for Ryan.

"You can have mine, for what it's worth. Cathal will embarrass you for free."

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glasshalfdoomed
2017-01-25 12:27 am UTC (link)

Feelings are feelings, but they're also really hard for Ryan. He knows Zoey knows this by now, though, and it just means a lot that she's leaning into him as they talk. It makes him feel like maybe he can get it all out a little easier.

He chances a look at her, feeling his chest constrict a little at the sadness on her face. Ryan doesn't want her to think differently of him, to see him differently, but it's too late to stop now. He's actually kind of relieved to be telling someone besides Chris, and knows it's important for her to know.

Nodding at her words, he attempts a small smile. His thoughts drift to Chris and Mrs Park. They're family. They found him somehow, despite what he went through. "It's true. I do have people here who seem to fill that voice," he muses, but the shadow is still behind his eyes. "And it would be enough to just not have family like that rather than what mine do," he murmurs, not realizing at first that the words were spoken aloud. Damn.

His lips tug up at Zoey's offer, and he tries to mask the haunted look for a moment. "That's a pretty good offer. Are you sure?" He leaves off the 'sure I'm worth it', but it hangs there unspoken anyway.

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valentinez
2017-01-25 02:23 am UTC (link)

"Exactly. I mean -- That's not what family should be. Family shouldn't make you feel the way that... You know."

Ideally.

Ideally, certainly not. She knew it was impossible to just turn off the frustration or the pain -- but one could get a good start, maybe, if they started defining what was and wasn't acceptable on their own.

Still, she squeezes Ryan's fingers at the words. It's not that simple, of course. Being human.

Z pretends to think for a moment, tapping her chin. "Yes." I'd never say that if I didn't mean it.

Of course, he knows that. He's got to know that. So -- She doesn't say anything. She just presses a kiss to his cheek instead.

"Of course. Awkwardness. MACUSA posturing. Expectations. Lack of honest communication. It's all yours."

A teeny, teasing smile. "Or we can just run off together and really disappoint them."

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