The nausea hadn't just magically started the moment she and Chase stepped off their plane in Mexico. No, it was something that Esther had noticed for several days, perhaps even a week, before they had checked their bags and made the flight to warmer weather and relaxation. Having just assumed that she had eaten something that was leaving her feeling a bit worn and her stomach weak, she hadn't made a fuss of it; with it being intermittent and without any kind of fever or any other flu-like symptoms, it seemed as though it would be something that would just pass.
And then Esther had spent the first night of what was supposed to be a vacation for romance (and, let's face it, a great deal of reading as they got twin sunburns) hurrying back and forth between their large, comfortable bed to the tile floor of the bathroom.
Come the following afternoon, Esther did feel better. She was tired, which she figured had more to do with having interrupted sleep over anything else, but there was still some queasiness and as she was unwilling to be the one that ruined their vacation with potential illness, she had relented to the suggestion of being seen at the resort's small clinic, though insisted on going by herself. Still convinced that it had to be just some type of food poisoning, she had gone through the motions of being seen, to the point where she was sitting in a room, answering questions as she waited to be told to get plenty of fluids and take it easy. At least, that was what she assumed would happen until she was asked one very simple question: "When was your last menstrual cycle?"
For just a moment, Esther thought nothing of it. She couldn't be pregnant. In the grand scheme of things, her relationship with Chase was still fairly new. That said, it wasn't as though they had only been making out in closets, either. As she began to do the math, the color started to drain from her already pale face. It wasn't as though she hadn't not noticed that she was a bit off schedule, but she had come up with plenty of reasons that could be happening -- she had been getting further settled in Dunhaven, she had been spending much of her time getting as far ahead on her work so she wouldn't have deadlines to worry about while on vacation, on top of just about every other change in her life as the last several months. Though she said nothing as these thoughts formed, it seemed that her expression was more than enough for the practitioner. She reached forward, placed a comforting hand on Esther's arm, and suggested the pregnancy test.
A short while later and Esther was leaving the clinic, some stapled pieces of paper in one hand that told her all about being pregnant. She hadn't really heard anything she was told after the test results came back positive. Even as she walked through the resort, making her way back to the suite that she had left Chase in, she didn't really notice anything going on around her. Part of her wanted to wait and call Gabriel, but she didn't; she owed it to Chase to have this conversation with him first.
It didn't take long for her to reach the door of their suite. Esther hesitated a few long moments, staring at the number on the door before finally fishing her key out of the pocket of her shorts and going inside. The door sealed behind her as she walked inside, not needing to go very far before she saw Chase. Her insides did what they always did when she saw him, warmth spreading from her chest, and she almost smiled, despite herself. Instead, she stopped several paces from him, her gaze dropping to look down at the papers she was still holding. This was probably when she was supposed to say something, Esther thought, but she had no idea where to begin.
It was Chaseâs fourth place heâd settled in the suite, having gone from the couch, to the bed and then to the porch, before finally setting on the chair near the sliding door. It faced the main door in, so he would be ready and there when sheâd returned. Which was better than nothing, he supposed. Chase had wanted to go with her, having been up most of the night, holding her hair back or fetching her water so she wouldnât dehydrate. But respected her decision to go alone, and had merely paced or pretended he was reading while gone.
Heâd read far too many stories of people getting bacterial illnesses on vacation to suit him at this very moment. As soon as he heard the click at the door, he finally gave up the pretense of actually reading his book and tossed it onto the coffee table so he could give her his full attention.
âHello,â at least she looked like she had a little color back in her face. âI had them deliver crackers, ginger ale, and dry toast.â He gestured vaguely to the platter in the small suite kitchen. Heâd unfortunately already Googled her symptoms, which described anything from anxiety to stomach viruses to poison. âSalmonella can last a few days, but most other food poisonings are gone relatively soon.â
Esther looked curiously toward the kitchen, knowing that there was no way she would be able to ingest any of it just yet, but nevertheless appreciative of the fact that he had gone out of his way to get it for her. Eyes falling on him once more, her expression softened. "Thank you. They don't think -- I mean, it's not food poisoning, which is good. It isn't the flu either or any kind of infection, so that's... that's also good." Her tone had started to grow distracted as she continued to speak, once more her gaze dropping to the papers in her hand.
This was new and uncharted territory in so many, many ways. The simplest of which, though, was that she generally had no problem talking to Chase about anything. She might blush and be coy at times, but she was relatively straightforward with him. Now she felt hesitation and it wasn't because she didn't want to tell him, but she simply didn't know how. As someone whose trade was focused completely around words, that was a rarity.
After a brief hesitation where she took in a slow breath, Esther closed her eyes. It gave her just enough time to center herself before she looked to him once more, deciding that sometimes the most direct way was best. "I'm pregnant, Chase."
His worry increased tenfold in the time it took Esther to go from not-food-poisoning to the real reason. His eyebrows creased together as he got up and moved forward, towards her. His brain was already attuned to find the pessimistic route, and he had ridiculous visions of diabetes or cancer or any number of terrible things.
In hindsight, it was probably a good thing that he pictured the worst case scenarios, because he looked visibly relieved at first.
Then it settled in, and Chaseâs eyes went a little wide, and his knees got weak. âdie Arschmade,â he whispered, mostly to himself because he knew she didnât know that much German, so he followed it up with English. âFuck.â His knees finally did give out, and he stopped at the chaise by the end of the huge bed so he could sit on the very corner of it. âOne moment, I just need---â He looked up at her, already knowing the answer to his next question but couldnât stop himself from asking it. âYou are sure?â
It was the exact same question she had asked down in the clinic. Like him, Esther had already known the answer. Swallowing hard, she nodded. "They did a test and it came back positive." Besides that positive test result, there were other things that had shifted into place. Symptoms that she hadn't even really understood that she was having, because the notion of being pregnant just seemed too impossible to consider.
Esther surveyed him for a moment, trying to decide what best to do. She would give Chase as much time as he needed, of course. Though she hadn't had much forewarning, she'd at least had the walk back through the resort to let some of this sink in. Her willingness to give him time didn't curb her instinct to want to comfort him, though. What she wanted to do was step forward and take his hands, to try to give him some sort of indication that everything would be okay, but she didn't know how much that would actually help the situation. This was so far outside of her comfort zone.
In the end, she settled for placing the papers she was still gripping on the dresser that the television was set on, then walked over to where Chase was sitting. Though she left a bit of space between them, not wanting him to feel rushed in any way if she were too close, she sat herself down on the chaise. Her hands came to meet in her lap, nervously wringing together as she looked his way. She stayed quiet, just waiting for him.
Esther sitting down next to him snapped him out of his purely selfish daydream, and he sat up a little straighter. He blew out a breath, and steeled himself up. For her. Reaching over, Chase settled a hand lightly on hers, and leaned a little more into her space. A month ago, he might not have done that, but their relationship had grown a great deal over the last few months, and while still new, the comfort level had been at maximum strength recently.
This was going to change a lot, but he wouldnât let it change that. Chase turned a little more towards her, but gave her enough space that she could breath. His voice was low as he leveled a look at her. âI wonât say some platitude about how I know it doesnât need to be said-- because it does. I am with you one hundred percent, Esther. No matter what you choose, any side of the dice. I am in your court.â
Somewhere between his hand touching hers and the words, Esther felt the front she had been wearing crumble. It wasn't until that very second that she realized she had been wearing a mask, something to shield her from the unknown. As well as she had come to know Chase and as much as the two of them seemed to be the same in so many ways, she didn't know how he would react. She didn't know how she was reacting, the truth of the situation only now seeming to sink in.
Esther's fingers moved against his own, her head dipping just a bit as her eyes closed and she released a short breath. She didn't have the words to express her relief at his support. It felt as though the proper words didn't exist for her to tell him just how thankful she was that he'd said it at all, because while she hadn't truly thought that he wouldn't be supportive, she hadn't really known. And while it didn't change how much this would change everything and how terrifying a prospect it was, it felt a little less daunting knowing he would be there.
A second passed before Esther lifted her head again, looking to Chase. She had barely met his gaze before she took her hand from his and closed that bit of distance still left between them, her arms raising to circle around him to pull him close in an embrace. Her voice was shaky as she spoke, but still she managed, "Thank you."
Chaseâs arm wrapped around her in return, as comforting as he could be without flailing right in her face. Under the very practiced calm exterior, he was flailing, of course, his mind having so abruptly switched from illness to âhow many ways can Chase Brent fuck up a child?â So many ways. Which left that practiced calm exterior cracking before their very eyes, as Chase let out a quiet hysterical laugh. âPardon me for saying it, but holy shit. We should not have been smug about being smart.â
He still kissed against the side of her head, and still kept an arm wrapped around her. Even as he engaged in practical mode. âAh- Should we make a pros and cons list?â
Despite herself, Esther found herself releasing a hysterical laugh of her own alongside Chase. Whether or not it was actually funny or if she just needed that release, she didn't know. Whatever the case, he was right; for being as smart as they were, they probably should have been able to figure out as simple a concept as birth control.
But she also found a sense of comfort in being practical. Despite having a wild imagination, looking at things with logic and a shred of practicality felt right. Step one, she knew, was figuring out what they were going to do next. She wouldn't be able to relax or concentrate on anything else until they did. And so, at the mention of a pros and cons list, she straightened up, but not before brushing her fingers gently across his cheek. She stood and went where the desk was in their suite, her laptop sitting on it as she expected at least a few emails that she would need to look over from her agent, despite being on vacation. Instead, she picked up the pad of paper with the logo for the resort on it, then the pen they provided alongside it.
"I don't know if you were kidding," Esther said as she sat back down next to Chase, this time right next to him and not bothering with any space, "but I actually need this." On the paper, she made two columns and headed them up as pros vs. cons. She looked up to Chase, eyebrows raised in question.
He hadnât been joking, and to see Esther embrace the idea so readily made him a little warm with admiration. He did the very same thing when he needed to puzzle out an issue, and truthfully, it was probably the smartest choice for them. He was relatively certain there was supposed to be cheering and crying and excitement - but that came when a child was planned, surely, and a little apprehension was to be expected.
âAnything you need,â he murmured fondly, looking over at her empty chart. âWell. They say it can cost upwards of two-hundred-thousand dollars to raise a child to eighteen. Expense should be a con.â It was a fairly serious one from his end, but at least he only had a few years left of student loans. âAnd you may never be able to go to the restroom in peace again.â
"Remember how I have two cats? I don't think I've been alone in my bathroom in years." It was a joke, of course, but Esther felt good about the fact she was able to make one at all. Nevertheless, she wrote expense and crowded bathroom both under the cons. She was less worried about the former, but she knew that her situation was relatively unique. She had paid off her student loans early on thanks to royalties and had a healthy savings at this point after three best sellers. She had hope for two more to come, but there was no guarantee for that -- nor was there a guarantee that she'd continue to have success in writing.
"It would change our lives entirely," Esther mused thoughtfully, tapping the pen against her knee, "but I don't know if that would necessarily be a con. I like my life as it is, but I've always wanted a child someday. I didn't think someday would be now, but I like the idea of that someday being with you." She paused, unsure if that was too much, but also thinking that they had probably blown past any of those lines, given the situation. Still, her eyes flicked up to his hair and she added with a hint of a smile, "Plus, there's a good chance this child is a redhead."
âIs that a pro, or a con?â Chase lightly joked in return. He had a smile now, faint and against the corner of his lips as he looked at her. There was an intake of breath when sheâd thrown out the line of someday with </i> him, his own brain having conspired enough to tell him that wasnât the case - that she could do much better than him, and would, someday. His face was probably flushed to the same color as his hair now.
âIâve never been afraid of change,â He murmured in response, still stewing out pros and cons in his head, figuring out which mattered enough to say out loud. Finally, he settled on the more serious one rattling around in his brain. âWe would get a chance to prove to ourselves that there are good fathers out there. And children are not their parents.â
Esther felt her shoulders come to relax as Chase put to words the biggest pro of all in her mind. For as much of a wonder as her mother was, her father had not been parent material. She'd often wondered what that said about her. Was it something he could have passed down to her, even if she hadn't seen him since the day he left his wife and children behind? She wanted to believe it wasn't the case, and yet the worry persisted. But she had to wonder if maybe Chase was right.
"I've lived most of my life knowing what it feels like to be unwanted by one of my parents." Her voice was quiet and thoughtful as she continued, "I always told myself that if I ever had a child, I was going to love them so thoroughly. I was going to make sure that they never knew how that felt. They would never have to wonder." Setting the pen down next to her, she reached over to take Chase's hand in her own. "We could do that, right? You and me?"
Chase threaded his fingers through hers, and then brought their joined hands up so he could gently kiss her half. As much as the panic of fucking up was there, he agreed with her own goals on raising a child. He hadnât pushed the desire for a family in a very long time, simply because of his own upbringing, and the worry that his PTSD would someday be unmanageable, or his own demons would come back to haunt him.
âIâve never been able to convince myself I wouldnât inadvertedly fuck up a child with my own issues, but-â He kissed her hand again, before putting it back down. âI think with you on the other half of that, any child of ours would be supremely lucky. I can say with all honesty that loving a child unconditionally would not be an issue, by any means, for either of us.â He offered her a wry smile. âBut I cannot promise I wonât panic the months leading up to it. It is a wonder I am even conscious right now.â
Esther met Chase's wry smile with one of her own, her free hand rising to cup his cheek against her palm. "I have no doubt that I will panic just as much as you. Hopefully we will just not panic at the same time, so we can calm each other down."
At that, she leaned in and took a gentle kiss from him. "I think you're discounting yourself some," she murmured after backing away once more, looking up to Chase a bit more seriously. "I think that our child would be just as lucky to have you on their side as you think they would be to have me. I know that's not something I can just convince you of with words, but I just want you to know that I have faith in you, for whatever that faith might be worth."
Chase closed his eyes with the kiss, and didnât open them when she pulled away, allowing himself a second just to breathe deeply, absorbing whatever calming nature she was throwing at him right now. âIâll work on it. Not discounting myself. If weâre going to attempt to be good role modelsâŠâ He trailed off, huffing out another little laugh at both of them.
âDid we just agree to do this, for real?â It wouldnât have been his first guess, for either of them, but everything about Esther had surprised him from the beginning, and being willing to raise a child with him? seemed ⊠weirdly on par with that thus far. âWe are insane, Esther. We are going to have to schedule our panic attacks. Probably starting today. We still have a week left of vacation! Oh, god.â
Esther found herself pausing at his question. They had just agreed to this, hadn't they? The pad of paper next to her was rather lacking in regards to actually spelling out the pros and cons of the situation, but it seemed that they hadn't actually needed a long list to convince them one way or the other. For as absolutely insane as this truly was and despite that there were plenty of avenues they could have chosen instead, it really did feel as though there was only one option that Esther wanted to take in the end. The knowledge that Chase was willing to walk that path with her, well -- it felt very good, indeed.
"I think we did," Esther confirmed, a bewildered sort of expression taking over her face as she added, "We are insane. It feels really right, though. Even knowing that we're going to panic and we have a lot of decisions to make and appointments to go to and -- and -- "
She stopped herself, realizing that she was seconds away from going onto a tangent that could have pushed either of them into a panicking spiral. Not wanting to do that, Esther managed an apologetic smile. "Maybe it's a good thing we're starting this with vacation. We can force some relaxation between bouts of panic."
Chase nodded along with her, his pale skin already a little more pale at the thought. But on the other end of it, his stomach was rolling around as it did when he was excited, not just nervous. But nerves were the better part of that, he couldnât deny it. There was also that nagging side of him that wondered if they were making the right decision - and that would have to be something that simply settled with time. He wouldnât be his parents - apathetic unless their child followed directly after them, unloving, uncaring, controlling.
He had to be better. And it was a lot to ask of both of them, to do just that.
âScheduling panic attacks as if theyâre doctorâs appointments seems like the practical thing to do.â He knew they were both half joking, but the truth to the jokes was likely going to win out anyway. He kissed her hand again. âDo you need anything? How are you feeling?â
"I feel..." Esther hesitated, letting her words drift away for a moment as she considered. Mentally, her mind was everywhere, but there was little doing for that. She was as good as she could be in the moment -- which, she would have been quick to admit, was much better than she had been when she had been in the clinic, his presence calming her. Physically, though? "I feel okay, mostly," she said, idly moving both of her hands to her stomach as though somehow proving it with that motion alone. "I haven't felt as nauseated today, but I know I need to eat something, so we'll see what -- "
This time her words didn't drift so much as come to a complete halt as she looked down and considered her hands and just what she was doing with them as they cradled her stomach. There was no change there yet, of course. It felt no different today than it had before. Now, though, she knew what was going on within her and that their child was growing in there. The panic was still there, as was the worry and apprehension, but in that moment it was pushed to the side with something equally as overwhelming that she couldn't necessarily put words to. It felt dangerously close to that unconditional love that Chase had mentioned.
Esther let out a soft sound, caught somewhere between a laugh and something like a sob. "Oh." Her hands moved gently, a small smile on her lips. "Hello."
Chase gestured to the kitchenette, and was all too ready to jump to his feet if needed. âToast, ginger ale, if you need something, I can get you anyth--â He cut off when her hand moved, and her emotions seemed to well up. It immediately gave him pause, and his eyes widened just a little in uncomfortable delay. He didnât object, of course, or find anything distasteful over it, but being on the other end of things meant that Chase didnât quite get it, either.
But he would be there for her, even if it meant stepping far outside his comfort zone, and Chase leveled his own emotions for doing just that. He dropped his lips to her shoulder, to kiss there lightly. âAre you having a moment?â He smiled down at her hands, without even realizing it. Apparently his brain was settling on board. âOh-- did just finally settle in? If so, this is already a better response than the overwhelming panic.â
Esther laughed softly, nodding her head as she turned to look at him at her shoulder. "I'm having a moment," she confirmed with a smile, "but I can't promise that the overwhelming panic isn't still under the surface somewhere."
But that kiss at her shoulder was distracting enough, making her think back to only a couple of months prior when she'd had to coax him into touching her shoulder in that red dress before they shared their first kiss. It wasn't the start of this road that they were on as Esther had been nursing a crush on him from more or less that first time she'd gone into the library for what was meant to be a temporary card, but it was a nice indication of how far they'd come -- farther than she had anticipated, that much was for sure.
Esther raised one of her hands to Chase's face, her fingers gentle as they ran along his rougher jawline. He was closer, which made it even easier for her to steal another soft kiss before saying, "I know that this is unexpected and everything we've already covered, but I just want you to know that I'm very glad that I met you."
Despite numerous books saying different, Chase was at least smart enough to know that a heartfelt moment after the announcement of a pregnancy did not mean he should propose marriage. It was more for noble people. Like Oscar. He was, however, a good man, and enough to be there for both of them to whatever degree he could.
And somewhere in the deep dark recesses of his mind, past the shock and panic, he had always wondered if he would ever have this for himself, and had pushed it off as an improbility.
But he had yet to meet Esther Shaw. âI did not expect you to walk into my life the way you did, but--â He cut off with a little sound caught in his throat. He cleared it to continue. âI am very, very lucky and glad that you did.â
"Well, that's a relief." Though Esther's words were marginally teasing and her mouth twitched into a slight smile as she spoke them, her eyes remained serious as she added, "I have every intention of staying in your life, for as long as you'll let me."
They may have just made an eighteen year (at least) commitment to one another, but what was between them was more than just that. She knew, without any doubt in her mind, that she was in love with him. She'd known before this moment, before she'd found out she was pregnant, before they'd even gotten on that plane together. Maybe they had only met in November, but Esther was confident enough in her emotions to know exactly how she felt for Chase. It wasn't simply that he was handsome, intelligent, kind, and had so much in common with her, but he supported her and listened to her and understood her in ways that hardly anyone else cared to take the time to. They fit together in a way she hadn't imagined possible. It was good. He was good.
But rather than say any of that, Esther just leaned in, letting her cheek come to rest on his shoulder. "You should let me stay for a long time, by the way. I've made myself comfortable."
Chase couldnât be optimistic enough to think things would end up like a fairytale, but no one could argue that they were locked together in some way for life, now. No matter what happens in the future, good or bad, it was a connection that was there, and not going away as long as they were making this choice. To do this.
He wasnât mad about it, either. He was determined and more than a little terrified about what was headed in their direction, but there was a measure of excitement. For now, it was still hidden behind the terror.
But Esther brought out the more optimistic side of him time and time again, and this time it even earned her a laugh. âWell, I certainly have no plans on throwing you out. As far as I am concerned, you are a member of The Mighty Nein now.â He wasnât comfortable putting a hand on her stomach without explicit permission, so Chase just merely pointed there. âAnd thereâs another. Aunt Mica will be insufferable about this.â
A member of the Mighty Nein. Somewhere in Esther's mind, Essek Thelyss perked up. She had been dreaming about the lonely drow for so long and while only a small portion of his life had included that insane group of people, she knew that he had found a kinship there, just as she had in her lonely days as a child, unwilling and afraid to form attachments to real people who might simply leave. And here she was now, her life now entwined with the man who dreamed of Caleb Widogast and now friends with those who dreamed of other members of the Nein. That little girl would deem it impossible and ridiculous, and yet -- here she was.
"Two new members of the Mighty Nein," she considered. Esther smiled a true, warm smile as the hand that was still at her stomach began to draw little circles there, almost idly. Her thoughts lingered on their friends, then she let out a laugh as she looked up to Chase. "You realize that this child's first word is going to be 'fuck'?"
Chase laughed again, but this time it was a little more dry. She was right, of course. And heâd also thoroughly enjoyed the journey her face took through being a member of the Mighty Nein. Not all of Calebâs memories were happy - in fact, most of them were not - but the ones that truly made it worth it were always the Mighty Nein. And Essek. Caleb admired the man, valued him and also appreciated more than just his magic.
Chase felt far more than that for Esther, there was no doubt. But that foundation, having the people he called a family was invaluable to him, and she had slipped right into that with relative ease.
âHopefully I can at least make it the German word for âfuckâ,â He knew full well that they would all corrupt any child brought up around them, but at least the child would be loved by all, and that mattered more to him. âWould you like to take a walk in the fresh air? See if we can find you something light to eat?â
"That sounds really nice," Esther agreed, pushing away thoughts of downloading the Duolingo app; that bird probably wouldn't teach her German swears anyway. Her mind was already lingering on the platter of crackers, toast, and ginger ale that he had procured for her before they even knew what was going on, but fresh air with him sounded much better than bland food at that moment.
Esther paused, pressing a gentle kiss to his cheek before she lifted herself to her feet. She held a hand out to him, as though to help him get up as well, and smiled. "And maybe a nap later?" she suggested. It had been an emotional rollercoaster of a day and she had a feeling they both could use a break from it, if sleep could come at all.
Chase wasnât the type to nap, but then even more, he wasnât the type to deny her anything. Especially on vacation. Especially now. They were both more drained than they should have been here, through every fault of their own, and he couldnât deny the chance to just lay quietly and muse with his thoughts did sound welcoming.
He took her hand and lifted himself up, using it as an excuse to keep her hand as long as she would allow. He tugged her a little closer and leaned in for a kiss. âWeâll plan the nap before our scheduled anxiety break. And it will spare us turning into crawdads, so yes.â He gestured to the sliding door that lead out to the beach from their room. âShall we?â