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William Arthur Weasley ([info]bl_bill) wrote in [info]bloodlines_rp,
@ 2009-12-29 09:47:00

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Entry tags:bill weasley, feb 2003, fleur weasley, loc: shell cottage, type: rp

Out of Hiding
Date & Time: 28 February 2003 | RP
Post Type: RP
Status: Closed: Complete
Character(s): Bill Weasley, Fleur Weasley
Location: Shell Cottage
Summary: Bill's out of town work is complete. He has nowhere to go but home.



Bill grabbed for his ponytail for the hundredth time and once again found it gone. Gone. It had been impulsive--cutting his hair off--and if Bill Weasley was anything, he wasn't impulsive. But it seemed freeing at the time. Foolish but freeing. He had naively hoped cutting his hair might also help to release some of the less attractive thoughts he'd been harbouring for weeks now. Or was it months?

Months.

He wanted to move forward without the feel of chains around his ankles, and yet he clutched them like a beloved pet. Held on without reason except for some excuse to latch on to. An excuse for why he wasn't progressing, for why he was trapped within his own bitterness, guilt, and jealousy.

He stepped through the Floo and carried his bags toward their bedroom. Now that his job was finished, he wouldn't have anywhere to disappear to when he felt particularly angry or bitter. He didn't want Fleur to see who he had become. He didn't want her to truly know how unfair he believed their lives had become. Charlie had a child he didn't know about, and Bill and Fleur wanted bloody children and had none. None. He was a failure.

Bill didn't expect Fleur to be home from work, but when he walked into the bedroom, she was bent over cleaning something from the floor. "Fleur?" he said. "Hey, I didn't think you'd be here." He dropped the bags on the bed. "Is everything okay?" Had something else gone wrong?



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[info]bl_fleur
2009-12-29 04:29 pm UTC (link)
When Fleur had gone to bed last night, everything had been normal. Bill was not spending the night at home, which she did not like, but even that was sadly normal these days. He had an important job in Egypt, that there were very curse breakers Gringotts would have trusted with it, but it did not make her like it any better. But the one time she'd suggested she did not approve had not turned out very pleasantly, and she did not want to go back to the days where they were not speaking at all.

Though it wasn't as if they were speaking of anything important these days.

Everything had been normal until the storm woke her just before sunrise that morning. Thankfully it had woken her, though, because only a few moments after she'd risen from the bed, a tree branch had crashed through the window and sprayed glass all over the room and the bed. The damage hadn't been so great that she couldn't handle the clean-up, but quel ennui!

Fleur was nearly finished clearing all the glass when a voice from the doorway made her jump. She turned, more than a little surprised to see her husband standing there. She had recognised his voice immediately, of course, but her mind simply didn't want to accept that he would be there. She hadn't expected to see him till Saturday.

"Bill! Oh, mon dieu you startled me." She glanced at her feet and let out a soft curse; she'd dropped all of the glass shards she'd been gathering. "It is fine. The storm simply made a bit of a mess." She hesitated a moment, then added, "I could say the same, 'owever. I did not think you would be home for a few more days. Is everything all right?"

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[info]bl_bill
2009-12-29 04:38 pm UTC (link)
Bill frowned and quickly crossed the room to her. He reached for her hands. "You weren't hurt, were you?" He gave her a once over, but the thought that she might be injured or taken away from him when he wasn't even home caused panic and guilt to tighten his throat. She looked fine though. "Here, let me get that," he said. He pointed his wand at the shards of glass and sent them to the rubbish bin. One look at the window showed she had repaired everything quite nicely. His wife was absolutely capable of taking care of herself. He briefly wondered what she might need him for.

He leaned over down and kissed her cheek. Then he tugged off his hat and tossed it on the bed. "I should shower first and then I can tell you all about it, but we broke the curse early this morning, so I'm home now. For good."

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[info]bl_fleur
2009-12-29 05:08 pm UTC (link)
"No, I am fine," Fleur said, waving a hand at the question. Bill still insisted on looking her over, and she didn't try to stop him. Needed or not, she didn't mind his concern or the touch of his hands. She didn't allow herself to linger on just how pitiful it was to be so needy. He finished the clean-up for her, save one little piece that she levitated to the bin herself, and she smiled at him.

"You are 'ome to stay?" she asked, straightening the curtains around the formerly broken window. Her heartbeat sped up automatically at the thought. Was it possible that things might once again be better? They were degrees above where they'd been a year ago, but any moments of blissful happiness had been fleeting at best. She lingered a moment with her back to him, steeling her expression, then turned to face him.

"Ça alors!" Her mouth dropped open, and immediately Fleur crossed the room back to Bill. She ran a hand over his hair, looking over him almost as he'd done to her, looking for injuries. "What 'ave you done?"

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[info]bl_bill
2009-12-29 05:23 pm UTC (link)
Bill watched her adjust the curtains and smiled. She was always so careful to make sure their home was a lovely, healthy place. He hoped his being home again wouldn't bugger it all up. He would try and act normal for her. She didn't deserve additional heartache, and he didn't deserve her. "Yes," he said. "Home to stay." For better or for worse. "I brought you some trinkets and a set of spices. I thought you might like to cook something different with them. But I can show you once I'm cleaned up. I feel like a pile of rubbish."

Bill took a step backward, startled by her quick approach. "What is it?" he blurted, but once her hand was in his hair, his face fell. "Oh, bugger it," he grumbled, scrubbing his palm back and forth across his hair. "I cut it. This morning. I--do you hate it?" he asked. Merlin, he hadn't even thought she might.

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[info]bl_fleur
2009-12-29 05:58 pm UTC (link)
Fleur barely registered that Bill had brought her anything back from his travels. She was too shocked at his haircut to concentrate on anything else for the moment. He fidgeted under her gaze, but she didn't look away. His hair had been long ever since she'd known him. To see it cut off to a 'normal' length threw off her senses. He didn't look like her husband. And yet....

She ran her fingertips through the hair at his temple, then down his scarred cheek, looking over him. It was different, yes, but it wasn't bad. And certainly not the biggest change he'd ever had in his appearance. She brushed her lips over his cheek, and then, rather on a whim, across his lips. "I think you are quite as 'andsome as always.

"And your mother will be 'appy," Fleur said, one side of her mouth twitching upward in amusement. Molly had always wanted Bill to cut off his hair, though Fleur sometimes wondered how much was true desire and how much it was simply a running joke for the two. Still, she thought her mother-in-law would probably like the change.

Pulling back, she smiled and nodded at him. "Go and clean up. I will make some lunch for us."

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[info]bl_bill
2009-12-29 06:13 pm UTC (link)
Bill fought not to reach out to Fleur when she stood so close. Her fingers on his face caused him to inhale a deep breath. His lungs pulled in the scent of her and his desire and control shuffled together into a messy heap in his chest. She brushed her lips across his, and instinctively he put his arm around her, resting his hand on her lower back. Beautiful. That's what he thought when he looked at Fleur. Lucky always followed that thought. How could a creature so beautiful want a mangled mutt like him?

He wanted to kiss her hard, to toss her on the bed like a rogue, but he was dirty, and he didn't fancy her thinking he smelled like a common Krup. He smiled at her. "I'm sure she'll have something to say." He nodded when she said he should wash while she cooked lunch.

After jumping in the shower and putting on a clean pair of slacks and a shirt, he found Fleur in the kitchen. He put the few gifts, along with the spices, on the kitchen table, he reached for his ponytail again, then settled for crossing his arms over his chest. "Smells good," he said, watching her arse sway as she worked with her back to him.

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[info]bl_fleur
2009-12-29 06:44 pm UTC (link)
Fleur glanced back at Bill as she left the room, warring with herself. That he was really home to stay seemed too good to be true, and she was almost afraid to leave her side for fear that he'd disappear again. It was silly, she knew, because even over the last few months, she had seen him. It wasn't like before, when he'd been at Shell Cottage and she'd been France. Perhaps it wasn't simply that he might disappear again, but rather that the things his return promised might not happen as she hoped.

Once in the kitchen, she leaned against the worktop and closed her eyes, then took a few slow breaths. It wouldn't do to get ahead of herself, of them. She needed to simply be happy he was home and let the rest work itself out. After a moment, she set about preparing something simple for lunch. Hearty, as Bill had worked that morning, and enough to keep her from being idle waiting on him, but simple nonetheless. They had better things to do than clean too many dishes after lunch.

This time when Bill came into the room, it didn't startle Fleur as before. She'd been half-listening for his footsteps the whole time, and her chest clenched at his voice. Mentally chastising herself for being so ridiculous, she turned and smiled at him. "It is just soup. Potatoes and cream." Turning back to the pot, she reached for her spoon and gave it a stir. Her mind was racing with things she wanted to say, but none of them seemed fitting at the moment. "Can you set bowls on the table? And I believe there is still a bit of bread in the cupboard, if you would like."

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[info]bl_bill
2009-12-29 06:58 pm UTC (link)
"My favourite soup," he said with a slow smile. Bill wasn't a picky eater, and he ate everything Fleur cooked. Even if the recipe wasn't something he would have chosen, he still ate it and appreciated the work she put into the preparations.

"Of course," he said. He grabbed two bowls--some they'd purchased in France from a local potter--and pulled two spoons from the drawer. He found the bread in the cupboard, and he put the half loaf on the table as well. He walked to the fridge and cut his eyes over at his wife. "What would you like to drink?" he asked, opening the door and finding it looked a bit bare. The idea that he wasn't around to buy for filled him with guilt yet again. But their lives were changing now. He would be home. The refrigerator would have food. "Looks like we have pumpkin juice and a wine bottle I think we opened two weeks ago." He stood and grinned at her. Perhaps he should buy a bottle of wine for dinner. They could-- Talk? Don't be an idiot.

"How have you been?" he asked. He'd seen her two days before, but still, something could have happened.

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[info]bl_fleur
2009-12-29 09:04 pm UTC (link)
"Just water, please." Fleur turned off the hob and ladled a bit into each of the bowls, then replaced the pot on the worktop.

Her eyes kept drifting to Bill as they worked around one another. His haircut was such a tiny thing, but she still kept expecting to see a mass of damp hair hanging down onto his shoulder, when instead it was cropped close to his head. It didn't lessen her usual urge to run her fingers through it, though, and she allowed herself just once to caress the back of his head as she passed, bringing a pat of butter to the table.

"I've been well," she answered automatically, still standing next to the table. And it was the truth--she was healthy, safe, and not unhappy. Work had been pleasant enough, and she'd kept herself occupied in the evenings with chores, reading, and a visit to Madam Malkin's the previous evening. Her answer still felt false, though, and she couldn't leave it at that. She spoke slowly, careful to pronounce every word so that she could not be misunderstood. "I have...missed you, though, Bill. I am happy you're home."

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[info]bl_bill
2009-12-29 09:22 pm UTC (link)
Bill filled a glass with water and poured the remainder of the pumpkin juice into his glass. Fleur's fingers on the nape of his neck made him falter and nearly pour juice onto the counter. Her touch still did something to him. He only wished touching Fleur wasn't attached to such anxiety and so many questions...Why can't I give you children? Why do I sometimes refuse to give into my desire? Why do I distance myself from you? Refuse to discuss what's really going on?

He sat and stirred his soup. He looked at her when she spoke. Bill reached for her hand, cataloging the way her words filled him with warmth and regret. "I missed you, too," he said. In so many ways. "I'm glad to be home again. I can finally finish that extra room and the deck, too, perhaps. You can have your flowers out there, and we can finally choose a paint colour..." For the child we do not have.

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[info]bl_fleur
2009-12-29 09:39 pm UTC (link)
Bill reached for her hand, and it was almost enough to make her go to him. All it would take was a look, a touch, and he would be putty in her hands. He still loved her--of that much she was sure--and if she wanted him to kiss her and hold her and forget their problems for a little while, he would. Something in his tone held her back, something that said, yes, he had missed her, but that whatever had been on his mind these last several months was still there. She would have him, but he would not be all hers, and she would not be satisfied with anything less. Many a tear had been shed already over it.

Fleur squeezed his hand briefly, then released it to take her seat on the other side of the table. That small distance felt like a chasm, but she was used to it. In some ways, it was also her protection. "It is a bit early yet for flowers," she said, smiling at him as she scooped up a spoonful of soup. "But I would like to see the rest. It is nice to 'ave you tinkering about the 'ouse. You will turn into your father yet."

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[info]bl_bill
2009-12-29 09:49 pm UTC (link)
Having Fleur release his hand and walk away--even though she was simply going to her seat across from him--felt like an old wound opening again. If he was a good, solid husband, she would have stayed beside him. He shook the ridiculous thoughts from his head. We're eating lunch. She can't bloody stand there and eat.

"I promise not to begin collecting silly Muggle pieces and parts," he said with a smile. He spooned in a healthy portion of soup and nodded. "It's very good, as always," he said. "Thank you for preparing lunch. It's a pleasant surprise to find you home so early in the day." He wanted to say more, but what? There were so many unsaid things between him and Fleur, he might as well be building the spare for words unspoken.

"I should probably go to the market later today. Is there anything I could pick up for you? Anything you'd like?"

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[info]bl_fleur
2009-12-29 10:51 pm UTC (link)
"You will instead collect silly magical pieces and parts," Fleur said, though not without humour. She had always admired how hard Bill worked, and even when he was 'playing,' he still seemed to be as productive as if he were working. Everything he touched became something beautiful and useful, and that was obvious in the beauty of their home. That thought brought a soft smile to her face, despite any other concerns of the moment.

"De rien," she said, smiling at the compliment. At his question, she nodded toward the worktop. "I've a small list already. I had planned to go tonight, but...." She hesitated. They'd hardly said anything real, but at least things were not unpleasant between them. She didn't want to say anything that might upset the tentative balance, but she could not and would not lie to him about her activities. "But I am 'aving dinner with Susan tonight, as I did not realise you would be 'ome. I will ask for another time, if you like."

Fleur didn't think that Bill would ask her to reschedule, even though a large part of her wished he would. Just that small gesture that said he really wanted to see her, that him being home now meant something. She shouldn't have needed that reassurance, she knew, but in the moment she realised that she did. It made her soul ache. "I do not think she would mind."

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[info]bl_bill
2009-12-30 01:23 am UTC (link)
Bill's hand stopped halfway toward his mouth. His wife had plans on the evening he'd returned. With Susan. The mother of the only Weasley grandchild. The thought made him jealous, angry, then remorseful. He loved his brother, and his nephew was perfect. After a second's pause, he found his mouth with the spoon. He swallowed slowly. He cleared this throat.

When he looked at Fleur he was smiling, but it was difficult. "That's great, love," he said. "I understand completely. Don't change your plans on my account. You'll see me this evening. You know I stay up late."

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[info]bl_fleur
2009-12-30 01:51 am UTC (link)
Fleur let out a soft sigh, barely audible. While she was looking forward to seeing Susan and her nephew, the thought of leaving Bill for a few hours tonight was bittersweet at best. But perhaps the evening would only bring more of the same, and she would be happy to get away for a little while. Bill had always been around on the weekends, so why should things be any different just because now he'd be home more often?

"I would not change my plans on anyone's account but yours," she said, unable to hold his gaze. She dipped her spoon into her soup but did not get another bite, as she didn't feel as hungry as she had a few minutes ago. She felt a swirl of emotions, and her body couldn't seem to focus on just one of them. Perhaps that was best, because she did not care to either yell or burst into tears at the moment.

"You will be 'ome all afternoon?" Fleur had intended to go into work once the mess caused by the storm had been sorted, but if there was even a chance they could spend a nice afternoon together, she wasn't going to consider leaving home until her plans with Susan. "Perhaps we can take a walk after lunch? It is cold, but it seems the rain 'as stopped for now. I would like to check that no more tree limbs are threatening to fall on the house."

A walk was a good place to start, wasn't it? Away from the distractions they always found indoors, maybe he would be able to talk to her.

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[info]bl_bill
2009-12-30 02:04 am UTC (link)
Something was bothering Fleur. Bill knew her well enough to see that; he could also see how she tried to cover it up. It pained him to know they couldn't be open with each other, that there was still a great divide to cross. Would they be able to span the distance to each other? He longed for her, but still he held back.

He finished his soup by focusing on swallowing, eating more, swallowing, eating more. He rested the spoon in the empty bowl. "Yes, I'll be here," he answered. "I think I would enjoy a walk." Even though he would rather work alone on some of the woodwork in the spare room, he didn't say it. If his wife wanted to take a walk, he would take a walk.

Fleur appeared to be finished eating, so he carried their bowls to the sink. Then he turned to her and held out his hand. "Yes?"

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[info]bl_fleur
2009-12-30 02:30 am UTC (link)
Fleur stared down at her bowl as Bill continued eating, but she found that she couldn't stomach any more. The cream was too heavy, the warmth of it almost overpowering. She knew it wasn't really the food's fault, but it was easier to blame than herself or Bill. She managed a bit of bread, but by the time Bill stood up from the table, she was more than ready to be finished. She carried their glasses and put them in the sink next to the bowls; the washing could wait.

"I need my cloak, and you must 'ave one, too. It is too cold," she said, sliding her hand into his even though she had to release it only a few seconds later to slip the warm garment around her shoulders. She preferred the warmth of his skin to it all, though, and chose not to put on her gloves. Once Bill was ready, she slipped her hand back into his and led the way out the front door.

The cold wind hit Fleur full force, but she simply stood tall and let it whip across her face as they walked. The chill was almost refreshing compared to the mind-lulling heat of the house, and standing side by side, watching where they were going, she didn't feel like she had to look at Bill to speak to him. It was a bit easier that way, she thought. She wasn't sure she could bare to watch his expression right now.

"Are we falling apart again?" she said quietly, biting her bottom lip to keep it from trembling. "Only it is with formality and politeness instead of angry words this time?"

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[info]bl_bill
2009-12-30 02:42 am UTC (link)
Bill pulled on his heavy winter coat and reached for Fleur's hand again. She slipped it into his without hesitation, and he wondered how she could seem so comfortable with their closeness when he second guessed himself every time.

They walked in silence, and the wind whipped around them. Bill buttoned the top two buttons of his coat to try and keep out the chill, which proved to be fruitless. Bill's mind drifted to tools and nails. He wondered if he should add another two metres to the deck he wanted to construct in the backyard.

Bill opened his mouth to respond, but not a word came out. He closed it and stopped walking. Bill stepped in front of Fleur, wishing he could smooth away the pain he saw on her face. He shook his head. "No," he said. He pulled her into him, surrounded her with his arms. But yes. Yes, this time we're being polite and gentle, but our words are hollow. Why? He touched her face with his hand. She was so cold. "I don't want to, but I don't know how to stop it. I don't--" Know what to do.

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[info]bl_fleur
2009-12-30 02:56 am UTC (link)
Fleur let out a shaky breath at his answer. It had been the one she wanted, the only one that she hadn't dreaded, but somehow it wasn't completely satisfying. It, like everything else, seemed to be the automatic answer. The easy, polite one. Did he really believe what he was saying, or was he simply trying to make her feel better about them falling apart? Would it be easier this time, if they separated over kind words?

No. She would not allow it.

She leaned into his touch, closing her eyes and trying desperately not to cry, even though her cheeks felt as if they might break apart from the sudden effort. She felt cold despite Bill's arms around her, but she didn't think it was just from the weather. "Talk to me," she said, raising up on her tiptoes and pressing her cheek to his. Her arms were curled up between their bodies, fingertips gripping the front of his coat. "Please."

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[info]bl_bill
2009-12-30 03:10 am UTC (link)
Fleur leaned toward his touch, and his chest began to ache. She was his wife Why did she sometimes seem like less--distant, hundreds of miles away? Was it all his fault? Had he pushed and pushed and pushed until they were passing strangers, drifting in and out of each other's lives spouting pleasantries?

Is that what he wanted?

No.

She gripped his coat, begged him to talk to her. But he was no good at talking. He was wretched. He felt he'd talked enough to last ten years, maybe twenty, and still they were shifting apart. He lifted his other hand and cupped her face in his hands.

"My beautiful Fleur," he whispered. "I don't know how to. I don't know what to say anymore." He leaned down as if to kiss her, but his body pulled away. Kissing Fleur was dangerous because it would inevitably lead to more and then he would be reminded of what he couldn't give her.

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[info]bl_fleur
2009-12-30 03:37 am UTC (link)
Fleur murmured terms of endearment in French, dozens of them, pressing her face to Bill's neck almost as if to steady herself. How was it possible to love someone so much, to live for someone, yet to feel so lost just trying to reach out to him? A few tears rolled down her cheeks, and while she no longer had the energy to stop them, she tried her best to wipe them away immediately.

"Tell me what I can do to make you happy again," she said, voice nearly breaking midway through the sentence. Was it just about having children now, same as it had been nearly a year ago, or was there something else? Perhaps the idea of having a family had taken such great hold on him that she alone was no longer enough for him. A sob tore through her at the thought, and it was an effort to collect herself enough to speak again. "I do not need anything more than that, to know you are happy with me."

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[info]bl_bill
2009-12-30 03:57 am UTC (link)
Fleur's pain radiated from her body and felt like curses against Bill's chest. He welcomed it at first because at least it made him feel alive--made him feel. But them they began to rip and tear at him until he wanted to scream, wanted to release the wolf clawing within.

But her voice, her words, sliced him open. She thought it was her fault. Her fault? Never. He hadn't seen Fleur look so broken in months, and those months had been the worst of all. "Fuck," he swore. With one swift movement, he lifted Fleur into his arms and pressed her close to him.

He carried her inside because outside in an unforgiving wind was no place to have such a conversation. He thought of taking her to the bedroom but that felt too risky, so he placed her gently on the couch. He pushed her hair back from her face. What words would stop her tears? What could he possibly say to breach the wall between them?

"You make me happy," he said even though he knew they weren't exactly happy together. "This isn't just about you. You're--you've been doing so much to try and piece us back together, and I've been taking us apart. Bit by bit, haven't I?" He looked away from her so she wouldn't see his shame. "I can fix anything. I can build anything. And yet...I deconstruct us, and I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to let go of this," he said, putting his hand against his chest. Burdens resided there and he grown so used to them, he'd stopped trying to rid himself of their presence. But now... wasn't it worth it to try?

He leaned forward and kissed her wet cheeks even though he knew he shouldn't. "Please don't cry, love. Please."

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[info]bl_fleur
2009-12-30 05:40 am UTC (link)
Fleur sobbed against Bill's chest as he carried her back into the house. She didn't want to cry. It made her feel weak and helpless, and she knew deep down that she was neither, but still she was powerless to stop the emotional torrent as it flowed from her body. She wanted to take comfort in his closeness, to believe that his arms holding her tightly meant something significant, but she wasn't sure what to trust any more. Even her own words and actions seemed unreliable.

"Do I? You barely touch me, sometimes barely even look at me, and that is in the two days each week when I 'ave seen you." She shook her head as he continued, touching his jaw lightly with one hand to make him look at her again. She needed to look into his eyes, even if her own vision was cloudy with tears. Bill put one hand to his chest, and she placed both of hers over it. "I will pry it from your fingers if I must. I 'ave been too frightened to press, too afraid that you will push me away if I try, but I cannot allow myself to 'esitate any longer. I cannot lose you. Will not."

His lips were hot against her wind-chilled cheeks, and she closed her eyes, still clasping his hand between hers. The temptation was once again strong to draw him into her thrall and lose herself in him for awhile, lose themselves in one another, but she knew from experience that the peace would not last. It was not worth losing what tiny bit of ground they might have gained today. Fleur kissed him softly, then again, lingering longer than she had intended before she finally pulled away.

Curling up tight against his chest, she refused to relinquish his hand and instead pressed it to her lips. "Talk to me," she said, still quietly, but a bit steadier now than before. "About anything, mon amor. I think that just 'earing your voice can cure much."

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[info]bl_bill
2009-12-30 03:01 pm UTC (link)
Bill wasn't sure how Fleur could help him, but the thought that she still wanted to was enough to make him pause and think about what the next step should be. It seemed he had one foot dangling over the precipice, and Fleur wanted him to jump. But could he?

Then she kissed him. Although it wasn't a passionate kiss, it still made his pulse react, and he fought against the urge to have more, to pull her against him and kiss her until he couldn't think anymore.

But that was the problem. He always looked for an escape, and Fleur wanted him to stop. It was time to come out of hiding.

He put one arm around her and held her tight. Merlin, there were so many things to tell her. He wanted to explain why he didn't touch her, why he couldn't without losing control and then feeling weighed down by the reality of what he couldn't provide.

"I want you, Fleur," he finally said in a quiet voice. "I want you. Every day. I just--I don't...I struggle with it because I know--" His voice hitched so he cleared his throat. "It seems like a constant reminder of what I can't give you, and I feel like a--I feel like a bloody disappointment as a husband. And why would you want me? Unless you feel sorry for me, and it's this vicious cycle. I'm constantly trying to keep my hands off you...and it's difficult. So I left. For this job. But I--" Don't say it. He didn't have to leave, but he had. Just to get away from it all. "I'm sorry." He closed his eyes and leaned his head back on the couch.

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[info]bl_fleur
2009-12-30 04:06 pm UTC (link)
A constant reminder of what I can't give you. Fleur felt like all the breath had gone out of her for a split second, that her heart might crash in on itself. He could give her...but he didn't know that. How could he? She was too scared to tell him, too scared that it would be the final straw, the thing that would make him leave her for good. And why shouldn't it? They had had a chance, but she hadn't been able to hold onto it.

And now Bill thought he was a disappointment. It was almost too much to bear.

Another tear rolled down her cheek, but Fleur didn't acknowledge it. He didn't want her to cry, and she was trying her best to do at least that much for him. "Must I 'ave a reason? I cannot explain why I love you, only that I do. It is not pity. I feel broken without you." She kissed his hand again. It was a poor substitute, but it was safe. The last thing she wanted to do was overpower him right now. "I want you every day, too. Always. And if we cannot--"

The words caught in her throat, more tears following, and she was powerless to stop them. "You are enough. I want the rest, but you are the only thing that I need."

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[info]bl_bill
2009-12-30 04:30 pm UTC (link)
Bill caught her tear with his finger. He wiped it on his shirt. I feel broken without you. She kissed him again, and he tightened his hold on her. Conflicting emotions warred inside him. Desire, fear, anger, sorrow.

It was her last words that became his undoing. Tears sprang into his eyes, and though he would have rather died than cry in front of her, it seemed beyond his control. He wanted to believe her words were sincere, that she would never need anything but him and all other additions were just that--extra and splendid, but not essential to a happy life.

Could he really be enough?

He caught her face in his hands and kissed her square on the mouth. It was a kiss borne of sorrow and relief. He needed her. Needed to believe she was being completely honest.

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[info]bl_fleur
2009-12-30 05:59 pm UTC (link)
To see Bill's eyes fill with tears only made Fleur cry harder. For a moment she wasn't sure what it meant, for him to lose the last shreds of control like that, but then he kissed her, and her heart leapt almost painfully. She turned in his lap, threaded her fingers through his short hair, and poured herself into the kiss. Every bit of desperation, every bit of hope that she dared to have, seemed to be out in the open. She felt raw, vulnerable, but she couldn't hold back any longer.

She wasn't sure how many times she murmured "I love you" through tears and between kisses, but it didn't seem like enough. Was it even possible to tell him enough?

Her breathing was heavy, her body drawn to his just as it had always been these six years. It was all she could do to even pause in her caresses, in her desire to just feel. "I try not to be afraid, but I am."

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[info]bl_bill
2009-12-30 06:58 pm UTC (link)
Bill's body vibrated with want. The intensity of Fleur's kiss shocked him at first, but his body automatically knew how to respond. This he could do even though he struggled with restraining himself. He should stop. He should get off the couch and not lose control. But he didn't bloody want to.

He wanted to kiss her, feel her, love her. They'd never had difficulty with this part of their lives. It was always what happened afterward or what didn't happen.

For a few moments, he kissed her, listening to her spoken epistles of love, knowing he should pull away, and then he was lifting her from the couch and walking her toward their bedroom. "Don't be afraid," he whispered against the smooth skin of her neck.

Bill placed Fleur down gently on her feet. He needed to slow down or else he would lose all control of the animal need pumping through his veins. He took his time undressing her, moving his hands over the soft curves of her slender body. "So beautiful," he whispered, kissing her deeply, pulling her naked body to his. He wasn't as gentle with himself as he yanked off his clothes and crawled on top of her. Her fingers buried themselves in his hair or found their way to all the places he yearned to be touched. Then Bill lost himself to her, lost the last thread he'd been gripping in order to not fall.

Afterward, Bill propped himself up on one elbow and looked down at her. He smoothed long blond hairs from her bare shoulders, and yet still he didn't know the right words to say. He only knew that his mind wanted to pull away, but he tried to stay with her.

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[info]bl_fleur
2009-12-30 07:57 pm UTC (link)
Bill told her not to be afraid, but it was difficult. Being bold with her words and actions was completely different from being unafraid, and there was little that scared her more than this. The kisses, the touches, the lovemaking--that was easy, but so had it always been. She knew that simply being close would make him desire her. She could not help it, as it was simply who she was, but the ease in the bedroom did not translate into ease in the aftermath. That was petrifying.

For awhile, though, she was able to forget herself and simply enjoy her husband. It was like the early days when they were newlyweds and only cared that they'd survived the war and still had each other. They could have that again. It had to be possible. That was the only thought that stayed in her mind the whole time, even after when Bill pulled away, leaving her panting for breath and looking up at him.

"You struggle," Fleur said. It wasn't a question, because she could see it in his eyes, in the way he focused on her but did not speak. She ran her fingertips along the creases that lined his forehead, then down the broad, pink scar that divided his otherwise smooth cheek. "But you are here. Merci pour ça." She sat up just enough to steal another kiss. It was safer now, less liable to send them into oblivion, and yet somehow she wanted it more. Wanted to know that he needed her, even in the calm, and wanted him to know that she needed him. "Je t'aime," she whispered. "Tellement."

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[info]bl_bill
2009-12-30 08:13 pm UTC (link)
Bill closed his eyes. Sometimes he wished Fleur didn't know him so well, didn't know nearly all his little secrets. He opened his eyes and looked at her as she touched him. He touched her hand then kissed her fingers. Stay with her.

"Yes," he said. Yes, he was struggling, and yes, he was staying. That alone was a new change. He refused to jump out of bed and take a shower or hammer a nail or some other ridiculous mind-numbing action that would rescue him from actually having to be present with his wife. "I love you. More than I rightly show."

He brushed his fingertips across her perfectly symmetrical collarbone and then down the fragile bones caging her heart. "Shame," he said, the word half choking in his throat as though his mouth was trying to hold it in. Once the word slipped out, he was so surprised by the sound of it, he said no more.

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[info]bl_fleur
2009-12-30 08:46 pm UTC (link)
Her lips curled into a tiny smile at his words. They were not magically better simply because they were here, but he loved her still, and that was the most important thing. She wondered if he knew how much it meant, to hear him say it aloud. Then a stricken look came over his face, and her smile vanished as quickly as it had appeared.

"Because we...cannot 'ave a baby." This wasn't a question, either. Fleur knew that heartache so well that it was practically etched on her soul. They had blamed themselves, and they had blamed each other, both in their heads and in angry words, spoken with such fire and venom that they still burned, even so many months later. She had shame, too, and enough regret that she wasn't sure it would every run out. She breathed out slowly, closing her eyes and focusing on his hand running along her skin. "It is not fair."

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[info]bl_bill
2009-12-30 09:01 pm UTC (link)
He ground his teeth together and bit back the defensive words that threatened to rush forth. Then he shook his head. She wasn't blaming him. She was stating facts. Although they were hurtful and made him feel less than whole, they were still the nasty truth. "Yes," he said between his clenched teeth. "And no." He exhaled and flattened his hand on her stomach.

"I'm supposed to provide for you," he said "That's my job as your husband, and yet the one thing you asked of me, I couldn't give you. And then..." He dropped onto his back and stared at the ceiling. "Everything went to hell and I had no fucking idea how to drag us out. And then--Charlie--" The name spit like venom from his mouth. "I'm jealous of my brother. So jealous it makes me want to curse him. Happy-go-lucky Charlie doesn't even want a wife or kids and bam here you go, brother. All wrapped up so nicely. And what about me?" he asked, raising his voice and hating the fact that he sounded like a petulant child.

He spent the next minute breathing deeply, trying to calm himself. Then he rolled onto his side and touched her shoulder then her neck then her cheek. When he spoke, his voice was low and gentle. "You see, I'm a bastard, but I love you, but I'm ashamed of myself and of how I feel and half the time I want to change and the other half of the time I feel like I'm right for feeling as I do. All I wanted was to give you what you wanted and somehow that has driven us impossibly far apart."

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[info]bl_fleur
2009-12-30 09:53 pm UTC (link)
Bill's anger should have surprised her, but sadly Fleur had seen enough of it since their troubles began that it did not upset her as it once had. Concerned her, yes, but she did not immediately take offense. His words finally felt real, and that was something. She stretched out next to him, draping her arm across his torso and making soothing circles on his skin with her fingertips.

She frowned at his mention of his brother. Intent and desire were two very different things, and she didn't think it was fair to assume that Charlie was unhappy with what fate had dealt him. On the contrary, he had seemed quite happy the last few times she'd seen him. Certainly happier than when he'd first come back to England. But she and Bill had argued about this before, after first learning about Charlie's son, and she was finished with arguing. She understood why he felt as he did, even if she did not agree--she just wished that he understood why she chose to view their nephew as a miracle, rather than something with which fate was taunting them.

"Not impossibly." His hand was on her cheek, and Fleur put her hand over it, threading their fingers together. "We are not so far apart now." She moved closer, so that her body lay against his again, and rested her head against his chest, keeping a hold on his hand. "I do not want you to ignore 'ow you feel. Only to let me feel, too. I think maybe you cannot survive without me, either."

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