InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "boyfriend replacement therapy?"

John Dawlish (jdisnotamused) wrote in afreshrpg,
@ 2012-08-26 03:28:00

Entry tags:

character: dorcas meadowes, retired: john dawlish, time: 1998-08

WHO: Dorcas Meadowes and John Dawlish
WHEN: Saturday evening, August 25th
WHERE: Dorcas' flat.
WHAT: Reconnecting after years.
RATING: NSFW!
STATUS: Closed. In progress.

To say he’d been surprised when he’d realized that Dorcas was still alive was an understatement of grand proportions. Idiotic was also about how he was feeling when he’d realized that she’d been back for longer than a few days. She’d been the reason that John had known how to defend himself as a first and second year, back when he’d still been a scrawny, undersized kid. And she’d ‘died’ while he’d still be in school. They hadn’t been equal friends back then, but J.D. had thought about her fondly for a long time. Knowing that she was alive was a surprisingly big bright spot in his week.

He arrived at her flat and knocked firmly on the door, realizing as he did that the last time he’d seen her, she’d been barely out of Hogwarts, and he’d still been a kid.

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_dorcas_
2012-08-27 04:17 am UTC (link)

As soon as Dorcas had invited John to her flat, she'd felt a fool. Had it come across as more than what she'd meant? She'd only meant that she wanted to catch up, but Dorcas was so bad at human contact now that she'd returned from Russia that she seemed to have forgotten what boundaries were. In Russia, boundaries had always been set for her.

Then she'd started to panic about the stupidest things. She quickly used a spell to tidy up the dishes she'd left in the sink after breakfast, then immediately started fussing over how she looked. Even though it was an innocent meeting, she knew that John hadn't seen her since they were both very young. She realized that she was going to look old and that didn't sit well with her.

She was fussing so much that the knock on the door took her completely by surprise, and she jumped. Dorcas took a moment to battle back the flush of embarrassment, then headed over the door to yank it open.

"Hi!" she said, perhaps a bit too eagerly. "I... it's really good to see you. I mean... my goodness you've grown." Good one Dorcas, she thought to herself. She'd focused immediately on the one thing she'd hoped he wouldn't.

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jdisnotamused
2012-08-27 04:41 am UTC (link)

The door was yanked open pretty enthusiastically, and suddenly John found himself face to face with a very different version of the Dorcas he remembered. Then again, no one could stay a teenager forever. He blinked and smiled crookedly, his eyes scanning over her after a moment. Alive. Well. Whole. Damn that was good to know. The colorful clothes were gone. And her face... especially her eyes. They looked a lot more familiar. As if they'd seen things they shouldn't have. J.D. could relate to that.

"I have a bit." His smile widened into a grin. "That tends to happen over twenty years." J.D. stepped inside and turned to face her, moving with a controlled precision that indicated just how much he'd learned since her lessons in how to throw a punch.

"Fuck, it's good to see you." And he meant it sincerely. Finding a supposed casualty of war returned was a novel experience. And having it be someone that had made such an impact on his life was even better.

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_dorcas_
2012-08-27 05:22 am UTC (link)

She couldn't get over how tall he'd gotten. She remembered him so much younger, a kid, really, and it was so strange to have him suddenly taller than she was. She stepped aside, gesturing into her apartment, when she realized that she'd been blocking him in at the door.

"It's good to see you too," she agreed, in what was finally a somewhat normal reaction to the situation. And it was good to see him. Dorcas had a reputation for protecting the weak, even when the weak didn't want it. With John, she'd finally felt like she'd made a real connection with someone when she'd taught him to punch.

"So, you're an Auror now?" she lead him deeper into the flat, feeling suddenly awkward again. Should she offer him a drink? Would that seem like she was hitting on him? Dorcas had no idea. "Can I, uh... get you something?"

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jdisnotamused
2012-08-28 12:15 am UTC (link)

There was some inherent awkwardness in this kind of situation. Twenty years was a long time to not see someone. Hell, he didn't give a shit if it felt awkward. He was determined to move past that. And to know what had happened to her. If she'd tell him. Following her further into the flat, John glanced around as he went, before his eyes went back to Dorcas with a lopsided smile.

"Water, if you've got it." His smile broadened into a grin, since he was pretty sure water was going to be on her list of available drinks. "And yeah. I'm an Auror. Been one since I graduated." There had never been a second job possibility for John. Auror was it. He reached up and ran a hand over his hair. "Where've you been for the last twenty years?" His tone was curious.

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_dorcas_
2012-08-28 01:26 am UTC (link)

"What strange places have you been that don't have water?" she teased. Dorcas went to the kitchen to get glasses and ice, then turned on the sink to let it run for a moment before filling each with cool water.

"That's incredible," she said when he told her that he'd been an Auror for so long. "Congratulations. Really." There had been a time when Dorcas had thought she'd make a great Auror, but her marks had never really been good enough.

She closed the gap between them, holding out the water for him to take as her eyes flicked up to his. "В России это так холодно, что мы не нуждаемся в лед." It was her way of casually answering his question about where she'd been. She wondered if he'd recognize the dialect.

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jdisnotamused
2012-08-28 02:16 am UTC (link)

"You'd be surprised." J.D. deadpanned and then grinned. There'd been a few interesting spots he'd been in where water wasn't exactly readily available. "Cheers." He smiled a little at her congratulations. It seemed like an obvious choice to him. And when you knew what the world was capable of, how could you not do something about it? Justice meant too much to him to do anything else.

He reached out and took the glass from her with a smile, his eyes moving over her face. One of his eyebrows arched and his smile grew a little more intrigued. "Russia, hmm?" He didn't speak the language, but he was familiar at least. Tilting his head back, he took a long and slow drink. J.D. lowered his glass. "No idea what you said, but I recognize it."

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_dorcas_
2012-08-28 02:27 am UTC (link)

Dorcas smiled, watching him fondly. He'd really come a long way since she'd taught him to punch, and it made her heart swell with pride. It must be something else to fulfill a lifelong dream.

"That's too bad," she said coolly, with a wink. "It was a really sexy phrase." Then, immediately she blushed when she realized what sort of remark she'd made, and instead of trying to cover up for it, took a long, long drink of water until there was nothing left in her glass. Her cheeks burned with embarrassment.

"It was the Soviet Union when I first went," she ducked her head, deciding to move on the conversation instead of lingering in her humiliation. "I guess it was eight years ago when that changed. It was a very... different environment."

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jdisnotamused
2012-08-28 03:09 am UTC (link)

"Was it, now?" John eyed her blush with an interested sideways grin. "You'll have to translate it for me then." He watched her down her entire glass of water with one arched eyebrow, the corner of his mouth curving into a small smirk. "I can always use more sexy phrases in Russian." This Dorcas was different in so many ways from the Dorcas he remembered, but J.D. liked it. Liked her.

"Must have been an interesting transition." His expression grew a little more somber. "What did you do while you were there?" John was talking toward things, moving gradually to the question he really wanted to ask. Which was: why were you 'dead'?

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_dorcas_
2012-08-28 03:35 am UTC (link)

"And take away the allure of mystery?" she lifted her glass, only to realize once again that it was empty. "What would be the fun in that? I'd rather have you guess." She took a deep breath, then cleared her throat, trying to rid her cheeks of the flush that she knew was there.

Dorcas refilled her glass once again, then gestured for him to follow her to the livingroom. Having a flat still excited her quite a bit, and she'd decorated the living room rather extensively with knick knacks, artwork, and candles, which she lit with a flick of her wand. The light in the room was dim, but brighter than the candle light alone would have been.

"It was difficult," she admitted of the transition in Russia. "When I got there, I didn't know anyone, nor did I speak the language. The first year was probably the hardest. I got lucky and found a family that would let me stay with them in exchange for labor. I never had any money at all for years, that was just how things worked. I provided labor, they provided food and shelter."

For a moment, her eyes found their way to the window, and Dorcas lost her gaze in the twinkling lights of the town below them. Thinking of her time in Russia was difficult, and took her back to a lot of memories she'd planned never to revisit.

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jdisnotamused
2012-08-28 11:10 pm UTC (link)

"I can leave you some mystery." He sent a quick, charming grin at her, one of his eyebrows arching in amusement as she tried to drink from an empty glass. At the moment, she was almost all mystery. He followed her out to the living room, his eyes moving around the space as he walked. She had good taste. He sat down, relaxing into his seat slowly, eyes on her face. J.D. took a slow drink of his water, listening intently as she talked. Labor for food and shelter? Fuck. His expression went from intent to slightly grim.

He recognized the look on Dorcas' face, as she stared out at the window. It was an expression he'd seen on his own face more then once, seeing things that you never wanted to see again. He didn't ask, out of respect. He took another drink of his water and lowered his glass slowly, his eyes staying on her, but letting her have a moment.

"How did you get there?"

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_dorcas_
2012-08-29 04:36 am UTC (link)

When he smiled at her, Dorcas straightened her shoulders. It was so strange, to see him a whole twenty years after she'd last laid eyes on him. He was quite charming now, in a way she'd never seen him before. That thought let a faint blush settle on her cheeks, and Dorcas forced herself to fiddle with her glass so that her hair dropped down around her face and curtained her cheeks.

"To Russia?" she pursed her lips when he wanted to know how she'd gotten there. "I..." she looked again out the window. In many ways the distant lights of the town below reminded her of her first night in Russia. She'd taken a train, and it had been a very long ride. She arrived in Cheyabinsk in the middle of the night, and standing on an empty platform with no path in sight, she'd simply stood and looked down at the city below.

"Well, I took a train," she licked her lips slowly, then let out a deep breath of air. "Before that, there was a lot of running. And chaos."

Chaos described her last few nights in Europe pretty well. They were such a blur that she barely remembered anything at all... but there were things that stood out. Through the hazy panic her brother had taken her hand, practically crushing her bones and dragging her to the bank. Just go, Dorcas he'd begged her. Take what you need and go as far as you can.

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jdisnotamused
2012-08-29 03:57 pm UTC (link)

He caught the faint blush. Just barely. Before she covered it with her hair. What were an Auror's observational skills for, after all? John smiled, just a little, and took another drink of his water without comment. She did have lovely hair. And in spite of the circles under her eyes, John that she really did look wonderful. He tilted his head a little, quietly and intently observing her as she started to answer his question.

"A train." He repeated quietly. "Been on a few of those." Recognizing the signs of not great memories, J.D. used a meaningless response to lighten the air a little. He still wanted answers. How did a person decide to fake their own death? If that was what had happened. And why? His eyes scanned her face slowly.

Leaning forward deliberately, he rested his elbows on his knees. Might as well just ask. "Why?"

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_dorcas_
2012-08-30 04:57 am UTC (link)

Dorcas smiled lightly when he commented about the train and finally looked over at him. Her smile was a little weary, but genuine. She'd always been afraid of talking about it, but John was doing a really good job of keeping her from slipping into the darkness with his quiet comments and encouragement.

She took a deep breath and held it for a moment, watching his face, wondering just how crazy he thought she was. "Why what?" she stalled for time. If he wanted to know about Voldemort... that might be a little harder for her to talk about.

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jdisnotamused
2012-08-30 01:33 pm UTC (link)

Their eyes met and J.D. shot a lopsided warmer smile at her.

"Why did you have to 'die'?" John raised both eyebrows, his eyes on her face, taking in the details. She was stalling. His head tilted just a hair as he watched her. He didn't intend to press too hard, but if she could even just give him something vague, it would help. He just wanted to know why she'd had to lose twenty years of her life in a foreign country. Her 'death' had been rough for him back then. They hadn't been incredibly close, but he'd owed her a lot.

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_dorcas_
2012-08-30 06:45 pm UTC (link)

For a moment, held by his gaze and his smile, Dorcas felt a little safer.

But the safety of his kindness couldn't retain her when he asked why she had to die. Dorcas shifted uncomfortably on the couch, pulling into herself a bit. She set her water glass down on the coffee table, then gripped at her elbows with her hands, looking away from John, once again lost in her vision out the window.

"I knew something," she finally said after a long silence, and her voice wavered dangerously. "A secret I wasn't supposed to know."

Up until the moment that came out of her mouth, no one had known about her secret except for Regulus. And Voldemort, of course. Even the Death Eaters that had captured her, taken her from the streets in the middle of the night, had been kept in the dark about why she had such value. Once she'd been restrained, the only person Dorcas ever saw was Voldemort, and one occasional Death Eater that would come to make sure she had not died when left alone.

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jdisnotamused
2012-08-30 11:51 pm UTC (link)

John waited, quietly and patiently, his eyes never leaving her face. Not a muscle of his stirred, and the time ticked by slowly as Dorcas contemplated whatever dream of the past she was seeing outside of the window. John's own dreams were rarely pleasant, and the waking ones even less so. When she finally spoke, he could hear the waver that she didn't bother to hide and his brow furrowed. There was so much that could have been meant by that, and clearly it was costing her a lot to share even that single phrase with him.

"Secrets are dangerous things."

Part of John wanted to reach out and comfort her, which was a strange impulse for him. He glanced down at his hands, wondering whether this was something that she needed to exorcise, or if maybe she'd gone far enough for now. His eyes darted back up to her, scanning her face slowly. John had a reputation for being absolutely and completely trustworthy, but she'd missed the last twenty years of his life, just as he'd missed hers. She had no way of knowing that now.

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_dorcas_
2012-08-31 12:10 am UTC (link)

Dorcas nodded to herself, quiet for a minute. Then she looked over at him, forcing a smile. "Yeah, they can be," she agreed. There was a falseness to the smile, but it showed her determination to push through whatever broken feelings were eating at her right then.

"What about you?" she moved on a little bit. Dorcas leaned her head back a bit and shook out her hair. "Besides being an Auror and growing taller than me, what have you been doing for twenty years?" She turned her body to face him a little, propping one arm up on the back of the couch and leaning her head against it.

She might have been willing to talk about what had happened to her... but she was going to need a lot of coaching.

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jdisnotamused
2012-08-31 12:29 am UTC (link)

Hmm... J.D. raised one eyebrow just a hair, and tilted his head to the side as he observed her. That was not the most convincing of smiles. But considering the subject matter... Whatever she'd been through, just the bare minimum that he knew already demanded sympathy. John smiled just a little at her, a gentle quirk upwards of his lips. He let her change the subject, for the moment.

"Being an Auror." His smile widened a bit. "I left school and threw myself into it." He shrugged with an easy physical grace. "I've been busy making myself a reputation." John's voice lowered, into grim amusement. "And seeing that justice happens in life, as much as I can make it." His voice lost the amusement and became fully, committedly grim.

He shifted to face her, one arm laid lazily across the back of the couch. His hand almost reached where her head rested. "Can you tell me this secret?" His voice lowered and he dropped his chin, pinning her with a focused look.

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_dorcas_
2012-08-31 01:35 am UTC (link)

Dorcas had hoped to lighten the subject when she'd turned the attention to him. It was almost maddening to hear him talk about it so casually. When she had been in school, being an Auror had been something she and Alice had giggled about readily, but Dorcas's grades had always poved her weakness. Her struggles with potions on top of the death of her mother had been too much for her to even have a bid at an application. Now, here was JD, this kid that she'd taught to punch for Merlin's sake... and to fence! He talked about being an Auror like it was so simple. She stirred a bit when she smiled, trying to deny to herself that she was oddly attracted to the fact that he was in such a line of work.

Justice. She smirked a bit. Dorcas wasn't sure there was enough justice that could possibly make up for everything that happened during the war. Voldemort was sitting in a cell in Azkaban, but that didn't bring back her brother or father. It didn't erase the memories she had of the dark, cold basement she'd spent three days in at his hands.

Her mouth went dry and she eyed his hand as it fell near her arm. She looked at the curves and ridges of his finger prints, licking her lips as she turned his question over in her mind. "It's... it's nothing," she all but whispered. "Not now, it isn't."

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jdisnotamused
2012-08-31 01:52 pm UTC (link)

What had happened to her? Besides what she'd already shared. John was too good at his job not to notice the signs that she wasn't trying to hide. His brow furrowed and he let his hand stretch out a little further along the back of the couch, turning it just a bit so that his thumb brushed against the back of her hand. Comfort wasn't always his strongest point, but for the few and far between people that he cared about, he could make an effort. And Dorcas fell under that category. His thumb rubbed gently against her hand and his expression was a mix of understanding and fierce compassion.

"Talk to me." J.D. stated quietly, his voice a low rumble in his chest. Whatever had happened to her, and whoever had caused it, he hoped they were dead and gone. Because otherwise he planned to do something about it.

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_dorcas_
2012-08-31 02:48 pm UTC (link)

Her frown was beginning to set deeper, and Dorcas was worried that it she thought about it too much, she'd get trapped in the memories. The last thing she wanted was to sink down into that dungeon and find herself unable to escape again. She was already beginning to feel cold, and the hairs on her arms and the back of her neck prickled and stood up. Her throat felt tight and dry, and it was difficult to breathe.

Through all of that darkness she felt something warm, and she looked down at her hand and realized that it was his skin against hers. Her eyes flicked up to his and she saw a kindness, reminding her that she wasn't being restrained in a basement, having her memories and dreams invaded, having her skin ripped away with slashing curses.

"Regulus told me about the horcruxes," she admitted. "I knew it was important. No one in the Order knew at the time. Right after he told me, he disappeared, and I knew that it was bad. Then all of a sudden..." her voice faltered. Dorcas began to forget where she was again as she slipped into the memory of that night. It was a haze of panic, and she started to hyperventilate. "Someone hit me with a binding spell, from behind. They blindfolded me," the last thing she remembered was Rabastan's malicious grin, and suddenly Dorcas felt sick to her stomach. "When I woke up I was in chains, it was dark, but I was alone. Except for..." Suddenly, she sat up straight, pulling sharply away and going darkly quiet.

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jdisnotamused
2012-08-31 03:28 pm UTC (link)

Fuck. John's mouth hardened into a line and he held himself still as she pulled away from him. Fuck, fuck, fuck. He didn't need anymore. How she got away, how she'd faked her death... that could wait. The way she looked, the expression on her face even after twenty years of time between, was enough to concern him. He didn't want to startle her, so he sat up slowly and carefully and leaned forward, taking his time to make sure that he didn't invade her space too quickly.

"You're not there now." He stated clearly and firmly, his voice a gentle sound in the quiet room. "You're never going to be there again." A burning anger settled in John's middle. If they hadn't died already, he'd make sure that he found them: whoever had done that to her. And he'd make them face the brutal impartiality of his justice. Keeping his voice even and calm, J.D. wanted to reach out and touch her again, remind her of something good.

"Dorcas." He moved his hand slowly toward her, waiting to see how she'd feel about it.

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_dorcas_
2012-09-02 05:39 pm UTC (link)

The gate had already opened and the memories came flooding back. Dorcas's hands trembled and she almost didn't seem to hear him, though her eyes did move towards his face briefly, they didn't seem to focus on his.

"He makes everything hurt," she whispered. "Your memories hurt. He twists them and manipulates them and you start to question everything about who you are and why you want to live." She let out a shuddering breath and whimpered when she breathed in. Dorcas had learned occlumency when she joined the Order, and using it constantly for three days had really destroyed her energy and ability to think clearly those three days. Most of her memories were just of feelings rather than images. She remembered the searing pain and fury of the cruciatus curse, and the way she'd watched blood spill out of her ribs after having her skin torn back with some sort of slashing curse she hadn't learned before. She remembered noises and smells and textures, but very little picture. There was one thing, however, that stood out in her mind's eye, and that had been Lord Voldemort's hands coming towards her, and the sensation of knowing that great pain was to follow.

Dorcas had known that once Voldemort found out if she really knew about the horcruxes she would be killed. She would no longer have any use for him, as he could get Order secrets from anyone. She had fought to keep her secret with everything she had, and it had been the only reason she stayed alive for three days of torture. Dorcas had always been stubborn.

Her hand suddenly reached out, trying to find something, anything to hold on to, but with her eyes full of tears and fogged with memories, Dorcas was finding it difficult to see her apartment or her guest.

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jdisnotamused
2012-09-02 06:13 pm UTC (link)

John listened to her with a growing anger. A fiery, burning anger at what she’d gone through. She was looking at him, but not seeing him. What she was actually saying seemed to only hint at whatever she was reliving. And as he watched her, John felt a growing sense of frustration at being helpless. Helpless to fix it for her. “Fuck.” He cursed quietly, his eyes fixed on her face, watching her try to hold herself together. When her hand reached blindly out, John caught it and held it, his thumb stroking against the back of her hand. Moving slowly, he slid over a bit on the couch and wrapped his other arm around her shoulders. His hand rubbed against her upper arm.

If all he could do was offer comfort, then he damn well intended to make the most of it.

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_dorcas_
2012-09-02 06:34 pm UTC (link)

She hadn't been reaching for his hand, she'd only been reaching out... but it was probably the best thing that could have happened, when he took it. Her eyes caught his, and Dorcas really saw him there, watching her watch him.

Dorcas drew in a deep breath as she tried one last time to keep it together. Her lower lip trembled and she clutched his hand tightly with her own. But when she started to exhale, her resolve crumbled, and the tears that had been collecting in the dams of her eyes spilled over her cheeks, hot and fast. She opened her mouth to apologize for falling apart, but what came out was a sob. Dorcas hung her head, defeated, and covered her face wit her free hand. She hadn't expected this to happen when she'd invited JD over. Even though for years, she'd continued to practice Occlumency when she'd slept, and to try to force her own memories out of her head... even though, eventually, the coldness of Russia had given her a sense of numbness for her past, trying to talk about it only put a crack in the wall of ice, and the fire of her memories had melted all of that resolve away.

When Dorcas realized that he had put his arm around her, his fingers warmly rubbing along her bare arm, she suddenly felt like a child. "I'm sorry," she wept into her hand, but her voice was muffled and distant.