InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "3 hole punch"

John Dawlish (jdisnotamused) wrote in afreshrpg,
@ 2012-08-26 03:28:00

Entry tags:

character: dorcas meadowes, retired: john dawlish, time: 1998-08

WHO: Dorcas Meadowes and John Dawlish
WHEN: Saturday evening, August 25th
WHERE: Dorcas' flat.
WHAT: Reconnecting after years.
RATING: NSFW!
STATUS: Closed. In progress.

To say he’d been surprised when he’d realized that Dorcas was still alive was an understatement of grand proportions. Idiotic was also about how he was feeling when he’d realized that she’d been back for longer than a few days. She’d been the reason that John had known how to defend himself as a first and second year, back when he’d still been a scrawny, undersized kid. And she’d ‘died’ while he’d still be in school. They hadn’t been equal friends back then, but J.D. had thought about her fondly for a long time. Knowing that she was alive was a surprisingly big bright spot in his week.

He arrived at her flat and knocked firmly on the door, realizing as he did that the last time he’d seen her, she’d been barely out of Hogwarts, and he’d still been a kid.

(Read comments) - (Post a new comment)

jdisnotamused
2012-08-31 01:52 pm UTC (link)

What had happened to her? Besides what she'd already shared. John was too good at his job not to notice the signs that she wasn't trying to hide. His brow furrowed and he let his hand stretch out a little further along the back of the couch, turning it just a bit so that his thumb brushed against the back of her hand. Comfort wasn't always his strongest point, but for the few and far between people that he cared about, he could make an effort. And Dorcas fell under that category. His thumb rubbed gently against her hand and his expression was a mix of understanding and fierce compassion.

"Talk to me." J.D. stated quietly, his voice a low rumble in his chest. Whatever had happened to her, and whoever had caused it, he hoped they were dead and gone. Because otherwise he planned to do something about it.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

_dorcas_
2012-08-31 02:48 pm UTC (link)

Her frown was beginning to set deeper, and Dorcas was worried that it she thought about it too much, she'd get trapped in the memories. The last thing she wanted was to sink down into that dungeon and find herself unable to escape again. She was already beginning to feel cold, and the hairs on her arms and the back of her neck prickled and stood up. Her throat felt tight and dry, and it was difficult to breathe.

Through all of that darkness she felt something warm, and she looked down at her hand and realized that it was his skin against hers. Her eyes flicked up to his and she saw a kindness, reminding her that she wasn't being restrained in a basement, having her memories and dreams invaded, having her skin ripped away with slashing curses.

"Regulus told me about the horcruxes," she admitted. "I knew it was important. No one in the Order knew at the time. Right after he told me, he disappeared, and I knew that it was bad. Then all of a sudden..." her voice faltered. Dorcas began to forget where she was again as she slipped into the memory of that night. It was a haze of panic, and she started to hyperventilate. "Someone hit me with a binding spell, from behind. They blindfolded me," the last thing she remembered was Rabastan's malicious grin, and suddenly Dorcas felt sick to her stomach. "When I woke up I was in chains, it was dark, but I was alone. Except for..." Suddenly, she sat up straight, pulling sharply away and going darkly quiet.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

jdisnotamused
2012-08-31 03:28 pm UTC (link)

Fuck. John's mouth hardened into a line and he held himself still as she pulled away from him. Fuck, fuck, fuck. He didn't need anymore. How she got away, how she'd faked her death... that could wait. The way she looked, the expression on her face even after twenty years of time between, was enough to concern him. He didn't want to startle her, so he sat up slowly and carefully and leaned forward, taking his time to make sure that he didn't invade her space too quickly.

"You're not there now." He stated clearly and firmly, his voice a gentle sound in the quiet room. "You're never going to be there again." A burning anger settled in John's middle. If they hadn't died already, he'd make sure that he found them: whoever had done that to her. And he'd make them face the brutal impartiality of his justice. Keeping his voice even and calm, J.D. wanted to reach out and touch her again, remind her of something good.

"Dorcas." He moved his hand slowly toward her, waiting to see how she'd feel about it.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

_dorcas_
2012-09-02 05:39 pm UTC (link)

The gate had already opened and the memories came flooding back. Dorcas's hands trembled and she almost didn't seem to hear him, though her eyes did move towards his face briefly, they didn't seem to focus on his.

"He makes everything hurt," she whispered. "Your memories hurt. He twists them and manipulates them and you start to question everything about who you are and why you want to live." She let out a shuddering breath and whimpered when she breathed in. Dorcas had learned occlumency when she joined the Order, and using it constantly for three days had really destroyed her energy and ability to think clearly those three days. Most of her memories were just of feelings rather than images. She remembered the searing pain and fury of the cruciatus curse, and the way she'd watched blood spill out of her ribs after having her skin torn back with some sort of slashing curse she hadn't learned before. She remembered noises and smells and textures, but very little picture. There was one thing, however, that stood out in her mind's eye, and that had been Lord Voldemort's hands coming towards her, and the sensation of knowing that great pain was to follow.

Dorcas had known that once Voldemort found out if she really knew about the horcruxes she would be killed. She would no longer have any use for him, as he could get Order secrets from anyone. She had fought to keep her secret with everything she had, and it had been the only reason she stayed alive for three days of torture. Dorcas had always been stubborn.

Her hand suddenly reached out, trying to find something, anything to hold on to, but with her eyes full of tears and fogged with memories, Dorcas was finding it difficult to see her apartment or her guest.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

jdisnotamused
2012-09-02 06:13 pm UTC (link)

John listened to her with a growing anger. A fiery, burning anger at what she’d gone through. She was looking at him, but not seeing him. What she was actually saying seemed to only hint at whatever she was reliving. And as he watched her, John felt a growing sense of frustration at being helpless. Helpless to fix it for her. “Fuck.” He cursed quietly, his eyes fixed on her face, watching her try to hold herself together. When her hand reached blindly out, John caught it and held it, his thumb stroking against the back of her hand. Moving slowly, he slid over a bit on the couch and wrapped his other arm around her shoulders. His hand rubbed against her upper arm.

If all he could do was offer comfort, then he damn well intended to make the most of it.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

_dorcas_
2012-09-02 06:34 pm UTC (link)

She hadn't been reaching for his hand, she'd only been reaching out... but it was probably the best thing that could have happened, when he took it. Her eyes caught his, and Dorcas really saw him there, watching her watch him.

Dorcas drew in a deep breath as she tried one last time to keep it together. Her lower lip trembled and she clutched his hand tightly with her own. But when she started to exhale, her resolve crumbled, and the tears that had been collecting in the dams of her eyes spilled over her cheeks, hot and fast. She opened her mouth to apologize for falling apart, but what came out was a sob. Dorcas hung her head, defeated, and covered her face wit her free hand. She hadn't expected this to happen when she'd invited JD over. Even though for years, she'd continued to practice Occlumency when she'd slept, and to try to force her own memories out of her head... even though, eventually, the coldness of Russia had given her a sense of numbness for her past, trying to talk about it only put a crack in the wall of ice, and the fire of her memories had melted all of that resolve away.

When Dorcas realized that he had put his arm around her, his fingers warmly rubbing along her bare arm, she suddenly felt like a child. "I'm sorry," she wept into her hand, but her voice was muffled and distant.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

jdisnotamused
2012-09-02 06:40 pm UTC (link)

Fuck. Even that word didn't seem strong enough for how J.D. felt at the moment. No where near strong enough. Watching a woman that he'd looked up to as a kid, and learned how to be strong from, fall apart in front of him was... he wasn't really sure he had words for it. Only that he suddenly hated whoever had done this to her with a deep, cold hatred. He pressed a swift kiss against her hair and rested his head against hers, wrapping her up in his arm and side as best as he could. "No." He said quietly and firmly. "You don't apologize." John held her close, his hand moving along her bare arm, and his thumb stroking her hand.

This had the feel of something kept shut up for much too long. He would guard it with everything that was in him.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

_dorcas_
2012-09-02 06:52 pm UTC (link)

Dorcas finally gave in, leaning against him and burying her face in his chest. Feelings of shame and guilt plagued her, but she couldn't convince herself to fight for her pride right now. She just wanted to get it out, and put it behind her.

She deeply hoped that John wouldn't mind that, as she whimpered, her tears dampened his shirt and she trembled against him. He was a good friend, being there for her, and for the first time since she returned from Russia, Dorcas really felt like she had someone's support.

"Thanks," she whispered, eventually, though it was somewhat lost in the material against his chest.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

jdisnotamused
2012-09-02 07:16 pm UTC (link)

He could feel his shirt growing damp, and quite honestly didn't give a shit about it. John held her close, doing his best to hold her together. He didn't murmur nonsense, didn't say much at all actually. He just kept quiet and showed her as best he could that he was there. And that he had no intention of going anywhere, either. After twenty years, John had a lot of time to make up.

She murmured something eventually, but his ears didn't quite catch it, since her face was still buried in his chest. He moved the hand he'd been rubbing her arm with up to her hair, and stroked it slowly. He hadn't been in the position of offering comfort like this very often.

"Hmm?"

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

_dorcas_
2012-09-02 08:42 pm UTC (link)

Dorcas finally pulled back from him, sniffling a bit and wiping tears from her eyes. It had been comforting to be in his arms, to have him stroke at her hair, but she was afraid that if she stayed longer she would become too attached to the feeling, which she knew was only fleeting.

"Thanks... for listening," she whispered. "And for not judging me for crying." Of course, he might have silently judged her. There was really know way of knowing.

In a weird way, she was glad to have finally talked about it with someone. Twenty years was a long time to let a wound fester, no matter how much she'd tried to pretend that everything was fine, especially since her return from Russia.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

jdisnotamused
2012-09-02 11:48 pm UTC (link)

He let her pull away, his arms moving back to his own space as she sat up. He didn't judge her for crying. He didn't judge her for any of it. "Thank you for telling me." He stated quietly. John shifted back in his seat, one arm laid across the back of the couch. His eyes moved over her, clinically checking to see that she was truly going to be alright. He gave her a quick look, one eyebrow raised, at her comment about judging, letting her know without words that it wasn't something he'd ever do.

And mostly, J.D. had a stone forming in his gut that was demanding justice for her. But he wasn't sure now was the time to ask who had been responsible.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

_dorcas_
2012-09-03 12:53 am UTC (link)

Dorcas gave in, pulling her knees up to her chest. "I feel so stupid," she admitted. "You haven't seen me in twenty years, and the first thing I do is break down like a little girl." She frowned, though the sadness of of the frown was directed at herself, not at him. She felt incredibly foolish.

"I haven't talked about it to anyone," she admitted. "Even Regulus. You're the first."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

jdisnotamused
2012-09-03 07:20 pm UTC (link)

"Don't." John said firmly. "You needed to get it out." And twenty years seemed to have erased themselves in the process. He reached out and squeezed her shoulder gently. "You're allowed." J.D.'s smile was grim. He was silent for a moment at her revelation... no one in twenty years. No wonder it had been such a release to speak about it. And it made John feel fiercely protective of her trust in him.

He met her eyes with his own. "It won't leave here." His voice was low and firm.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

_dorcas_
2012-09-06 06:49 pm UTC (link)

Dorcas felt her shoulders relax a little when he touched her; she hadn't realized how tense she'd gotten, and suddenly realized that her hands were balled in fists, her spine was rigid, and even her teeth had been clenched. She took a slow, deep breath, willing herself to stand down with her guard. It was only JD in the room with her, and he wasn't about to hurt her.

"Thank you," she said quietly, daring to hold his gaze. It was more difficult for her than she would have liked, having withstood years of no confidence in herself whatsoever. Her eyes flicked away for only a second, and she bit her lip hard as a self-inflicted form of punishment.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

jdisnotamused
2012-09-08 06:30 am UTC (link)

The tension in her body was obvious, even as she was slowly starting to relax. J.D. leaned forward, watching her quietly, his eyes on hers until she looked away bit her lip. Fuck it. He moved over and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, leaning back into the couch and getting comfortable again. He tucked her up against his side and smiled grimly down at her, raising one eyebrow to see if she'd protest.

She'd bit her lip hard. His eyes dropped to her mouth. Didn't look like she'd broken skin. He fought the urge to check with his thumb and won. Although it was close. Where had that urge come from? John's eyes returned to hers. "Thank you." He returned.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

_dorcas_
2012-09-08 06:54 am UTC (link)

Dorcas's breath caught in her throat and she felt her body instinctively stiffen when he grasped at her shoulders. Her instinct was to defend herself, but she quickly realized that he wasn't trying to hurt her. A quiet noise of protest was quickly stiffled by clearing her throat.

When her eyes looked up to his, Dorcas knew she was blushing. It felt good to lean against a strong, manly chest. Something that made her feel safe. But at the same time, it was unnerving. "For what?" she whispered quietly, her eyes searching his and trying to decipher the situation.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

jdisnotamused
2012-09-08 07:00 am UTC (link)

He could feel the stiffening, the tensing of her muscles as his arm settled around her. But he very carefully didn't react at all. Just situated himself more comfortably, his thumb rubbing against her bare shoulder in a gentle, circular pattern. He glanced down at her as she relaxed and smiled just a little.

"For telling me." He replied quietly, his eyes staying on hers. "For trusting me." His head tilted just slightly. "For coming back."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

_dorcas_
2012-09-08 07:03 am UTC (link)

Dorcas shifted carefully, getting used to the feeling of her weight against his. This certainly wasn't how she'd expected the evening to go, though she certainly wasn't complaining.

"I feel kind of selfish for coming back," she admitted. "I... I let everyone believe I was dead. I feel like I should have let them continue believing that. It would have been easier on everyone." And herself, she had to admit. Again, her eyes darted away from his nervously. Instead she concentrated on the feel of the pad of his thumb as it stroked her shoulder idly. It was warm and made her body feel somewhat electrified.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

jdisnotamused
2012-09-08 07:13 am UTC (link)

He watched her quietly, his eyes keenly observant. "No." He stated firmly. "Not for me." John hadn't talked about her. With anyone. She'd meant enough to him to keep it to himself. The more he cared, the less likely he was to tell anyone. She'd been one at the top of his list. Having her be back was without words wonderful. In spite of his need to now find and destroy whoever had done those things to her.

The things that had happened to her had done a number on her confidence. His thumb kept up a steady, gentle rhythm against her skin. A motion and a feeling that was causing a bit of a spark. He'd caught the nervous way her eyes darted to and from his. And he wanted to reassure her. Somehow.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

_dorcas_
2012-09-08 07:19 am UTC (link)

The trick worked. The longer he rubbed his thumb against her skin, the more she relaxed. Soon her breathing was deep and even as she watched him.

But Dorcas just didn't know what to say. She was breathing slowly, trying to fight the pink tint to her cheeks. It warmed her to know that he was happy that she'd come home. It was one of the first time she really believed it to hear it. "Sometimes I think I should go back," she whispered, struggling to keep an even tone. "I feel like I lost my chance to be happy, here. Everyone moved on without me. But I don't want to spend the rest of my life in Russia. I got tired of being alone."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

jdisnotamused
2012-09-08 06:42 pm UTC (link)

He could feel her slowly relaxing against him, and he kept up his steady and soothing movement. Sometimes physical touch helped more then anything words could accomplish.

"No." He said again, looking down at her with fierce eyes. "You haven't lost it." John was determined that if he could make it happen for her, he would. He was determined not to let her be alone, ever again, if he had to. He hugged her a little more firmly against him, his hand sweeping down her arm and back up. "This is where you should be." And he firmly believed it.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

_dorcas_
2012-09-10 04:36 pm UTC (link)

Dorcas sighed softly, her body shuddering slightly as she pressed her forehead against his chest and closed her eyes, for a moment completely losing herself in his comfort.

Then, when he spoke, her head jerked up to meet his eyes. Her cheeks were flushed pink, as she'd just realized that she'd started to snuggle with him, somewhat instinctively.

"I..." she breathed softly, embarrassed. He'd said such sweet things to her, and yet she'd totally imposed herself on him. Her eyes moved back and forth as she searched his somewhat frantically, worried that she'd overstepped her bounds, suddenly feeling foolish for having gotten so caught up in the emotions of her past.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

jdisnotamused
2012-09-10 09:32 pm UTC (link)

As her forehead pressed against him, John slid his hand up from her shoulder and stroked her hair gently. This wasn't his normal response to this kind of situation. But Dorcas was special. She'd been the first person to show him that he could handle himself. It was a lesson he'd never forgotten, and she'd been someone that he'd remembered and thought of frequently over the years. And seeing her again, hearing her again, being trusted with her past... it was not something that J.D. took lightly. At all. And in spite of the fact that twenty years had passed, he still felt the same fierce admiration and respect for her that he'd felt back then. Just grown up and strengthened from teenage to adult.

Her sudden jerk upright, and the pretty flush on her cheeks were a clear clue to her emotions. John kept himself gentle and still, letting his hand fall from her hair back to her shoulder. His eyes stayed clear and firm, not wavering from hers, showing her as strongly as possible that he was exactly where he wanted to be. "Don't." He said quietly, raising his free hand to brush a piece of hair out of her face. In the back of his mind, John was aware that he was being a lot gentler and touchier then he normally was, but Dorcas just seemed to draw it out of him. And she needed it. He didn't know how he knew, but he had long ago learned to trust his gut.

"No worrying." He smiled a little.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

_dorcas_
2012-09-11 08:15 am UTC (link)

It dawned on Dorcas that she was experiencing a level of tenderness from JD that she'd never actually experienced before. Sure, she had cared deeply for Regulus, but he'd never returned her affections, and he'd certainly never brushed hair away from her face. And her husband had never rubbed his hands along her arms. She bit her lip, hard, then winced. Her heart was pounding. Don't be a fool, she warned herself.

For a time, she had blocked out all of her memories of everyone from the wizarding world, convinced that she would never return. It had been painful, but one of the only ways she'd gotten through those first ten years. And then, when she finally got news of Voldemort's defeat, she'd suddenly been filled with the heartache of her distant loved ones... JD included. He'd always been dear to her heart, and had always expected he'd grow to be a strong and capable man... She just hadn't expected to find herself suddenly attracted to him after not seeing him for twenty years.

Dorcas told herself that it was only because she'd never had a loving relationship. It had to be. Surely JD was just being polite. She smiled, timidly. "I'm so sorry, I'm a terrible host," she admitted. "Can I get you something besides water?" Whiskey, perhaps. There was a quiet waver to her voice as she realized how nervous she suddenly was.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

jdisnotamused
2012-09-11 10:30 pm UTC (link)

John’s fingers lingered in the ends of her hair, rubbing the strands gently between his fingertips, his eyes meeting hers with an odd combination of fierce heat and gentle understanding. Dorcas was doing some interesting things to his thought patterns. And to his emotions. He wasn’t sure where this fierce protective streak had come from. Oh, he had it generally. But specifically? That was new. And this gentle, soft way he was handling her wasn’t exactly his regular pattern of behavior. He had the capability, but not many people drew it out of him. He knew how to use things like that in cases when he needed to be someone else. But to feel it, genuinely, for a woman? That was definitely uncharted territory. (Even if the woman was someone he’d known for a long time, cared deeply for, and respected.) And it was coming so easily to him.

It should have worried him. But all he felt was a calm certainty. This was where he was supposed to be, what he was supposed to be doing. And she was the reason. It surprised J.D. how quickly twenty years disappeared. And the way she was responding to him… the subtle heat he felt in reaction wasn’t what he’d expected.

“I’m not complaining.” John said quietly, in his rough voice. With a slow smile, he continued playing a little with her hair. Something seemed necessary about touching her. Comfort, reassurance, protectiveness… he wasn’t sure what all made it seem so. “I’m fine right where I am.”

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

(no subject) -

_dorcas_, 2012-09-12 02:03 am UTC

(no subject) -

jdisnotamused, 2012-09-12 03:05 am UTC

(no subject) -

_dorcas_, 2012-09-12 03:39 am UTC

(no subject) -

jdisnotamused, 2012-09-12 04:02 am UTC

(no subject) -

_dorcas_, 2012-09-12 05:16 am UTC

(no subject) -