Spencer Hastings thinks you need a babysitter (worry) wrote in zombieslogs, @ 2013-06-13 10:59:00 |
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Entry tags: | spencer hastings |
Who: Spencer Hastings narrative, mention of Emily, Aria and Hanna
What: grief
When: this morning at around 4 AM
Where: the prison
Warnings: sad
Spencer had drifted in and out of a half sleep state from the hours between midnight and four AM. It was difficult to sleep when you had all three of your best friends crammed onto your bunk, even more difficult when your boyfriend had just died the day before. She didn't move at first, instead leaning into the corner where wall met wall as she watched Hanna, Aria and Emily all sleep curled up into little balls on the edge of her bunk. She was so grateful for them. Every day it seemed like a dream that they were even here. Emily at first had been the best surprise that Spencer could have hoped for but Aria and Hanna too? Spencer had considered them all miracles and that was the problem wasn't it? Because miracles weren't real.
Quietly she managed to untangle herself from her three friends and slipped out of her cell. Cristina must have been on call at the infirmary or just plain didn't want to deal with her roommate's drama. Spencer appreciated her roommate more than most probably did because Cristina was clean, efficient and smart. They were all things that Spencer appreciated in another person, especially if she were going to share a living space with them.
She picked up the yellow shirt she had taken from Matt's cell and held it in her arms for a moment, bringing it to her face so she could smell it. Olfactory senses were sharp and for a second it was almost like he was really there with her. But Spencer's analytical mind told her that in just a few short days that shirt would smell like her and not Matt. The scent would die the same way he had. She felt the sting of tears behind her eyes but she pushed them inward. She still had yet to cry. Back in Rosewood she had preferred to grieve in private but now that life had changed so much Spencer had retreated even further into herself. Matt's death would take it's toll on her because of it's brutal senselessness. But wasn't that all she could expect from the world now? She set his shirt aside.
Slowly and almost like a woman possessed she padded barefoot through the cellblocks. Almost everyone was asleep at this hour except for the people who were working. She was grateful for the blessed quiet as she strolled from cellblock to cellblock aimlessly. She didn't know where she was going, just that she was preoccupied by thoughts of everything she knew and how the pieces still didn't quite fit together. She had never liked that Matt volunteered as a feeder for vampires but she knew that his friends were important to him and he wanted to be there for them. With all the dangers threatening them, she hadn't even thought that Nate might be one of them.
Eventually she found herself down at the showers, again thankful that nobody else was using them at this hour. There was no hot water at four o'clock in the morning but Spencer didn't care. She didn't even bother stripping off her clothing, just turned the water on and let it rain over the top of her head. In a few minutes she was shivering but she was awake and more alive than she had felt since Dimitri had broken the news to her. She didn't even realize she was crying at first because of the water from the faucet, it wasn't until the first sob grabbed her that she knew. She folded her arms around herself and leaned against the wall before she sank to the floor. Something inside of her was broken and she didn't know how to put it back together.