jυno ѕтeel (moreofalady) wrote in wtnvgame, @ 2020-10-19 22:16:00 |
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Entry tags: | !action/thread/log, -player: ashe, -player: kira, ₴inactive: juno steel, ₴inactive: peter nureyev |
Maybe that was a harsh way of looking at things. But he'd lived a pretty harsh life. Between Sarah Steel and Old Town and all of it, he'd learned to expect the worst. Ben's death and everything that had followed had pretty firmly solidified that. And that wasn't even taking into account Ramses - Jack - two names for one man who had wrecked Juno's life at every turn. If something could go wrong, it would. And if something seemed too good to be true, it was. Letting yourself hope for something better was naive at best. The world wasn't a kind place and it was always looking for new ways to kick you when you were down.
But the thing was, Juno had let himself forget.
He had let himself get complacent on the Carte Blanche. He'd been trying really hard to be better, to move past all the messy parts of himself. And he really thought he'd been doing a good job. He had. He'd been trying. And yeah, Vespa was more abrasive than he could ever hope to be and Buddy made too many allowances for her. But it was fine. Buddy kept her word and was honest with him. And he had Peter. Ransom. Nureyev. He'd managed to fix what he'd broken and it felt good. It felt so good to have someone he could rely on. Someone who had his back.
And then the Curemother Prime job had happened.
It had been building slowly but surely. Vespa sniping at everything he said. Calling him a moron constantly and dismissing his opinions. He was used to that. She was that way with everyone but Buddy. Buddy holding her cards a little too tight to her chest. Dismissing valid concerns whenever Vespa was involved. Even Rita had acted like he wasn't good enough to help her. And sure, it had been tech and he was terrible with tech, but it still stung. And then this job.
He'd seen something wrong. It had been so obvious. But every one of them had shut him down and talked over him and acted like he was some kind of idiot child and not a member of their team. Their family. Buddy called them a family after all. And that was all well and good until you were shut out of it. He'd been right and they'd nearly been killed because nobody wanted to listen to him.
Not even Nureyev.
And that was the part that hurt. Because Vespa was paranoid and an asshole and Buddy was clearly hiding something, but Peter was supposed to be on his side. Peter was supposed to trust him. And Juno had trusted him. He knew something was going on, but he'd still never even considered the idea that Peter would betray them, no matter how much the others insisted. So why couldn't Peter have that faith in him? Why couldn't any of them have that kind of faith in him.
The only person who ever had was dead and had been since Sarah Steel shot him.
Juno could feel a familiar self-loathing building in his gut and he hated it. He'd been working so hard and it was all coming undone. No matter how hard he worked on making himself better, it didn't feel like it was enough. The Carte Blanche was meant to be an escape. A fresh start. But it didn't feel that way any more. It felt like just another place where he would never fit or be good enough or be wanted.
He was buzzing with that sick anxiety by the time he got to the apartment Nureyev had directed him to. He knocked, then brushed past Peter when the door opened. He felt too on edge, too raw, for whatever softness or endearments Peter had in him right now.
He grabbed a glass and poured liquor into it, draining it before refilling it. This glass he held and stared down at it.
"So," he said. "That job, huh?"