So far, the winter holidays had proven themselves to be Steve’s new favorites. The contrast between before and now felt like a different life, and maybe to most it was. It was a different world when Steve was young, but now he had so much, had accomplished so much. A part of him felt like he was getting his due. He’d sacrificed a lot, all of them had, that for them to have a chance to be together without the pressure of the world being in danger was strange, and new, and ultimately very exciting. It felt good being with Sam and Natasha, and Bucky. He’d spent so long just missing Bucky that now he could see him wandering down the hall or sat on the couch in something comfortable. Comfortable. In a way, they all might never fully relax, with all of their histories. Yet, this felt like it was damn close.
It was sort of a mess, with pies and planning and decorations but it was Steve’s mess. This was one he’d made for himself, rather than hunting it down in an alleyway or on some orders. It was better to focus on picking out ornaments to add to the tree and adding way to many lights than things that were missing or the bad memories. There was a lot Steve should feel proud of, but also a lot that he regretted. Yet, they were making a life for themselves here and it was a damn good one. It felt good. It gave him time to think, and with those regrets came the fact that there wasn’t much point in deny it, at least to himself, that he was just as hopeless when it came to one Soldier: Bucky.
Steve had always felt there was something there, if only on his end of things, so facing it even more now wasn’t too terrible. It wasn’t something that felt like it smacked him in the face out of no where. Bucky had always been there. This handsome man who somehow didn’t look at Steve like he was pathetic. He always dragged Steve along, invited him over, helped him in whatever ways he could. It was only natural that Steve would’ve developed an attraction to him. He had known he loved Bucky before the war, before Steve even got it in his head that he wanted to enlist, to prove himself, to fight the good fight.
Losing Bucky after chasing him, saving him, fighting with him, had nearly broke Steve. Without his men and Peggy, he likely would have fell apart in those early days. Seeing Bucky again had just solidified everything. He couldn’t lose him. No matter the cost, even if it was his life. He was sure everyone knew it by now, maybe everyone but Bucky. He’d certainly caught Sam giving him a few exasperated looks after catching Steve staring a little bit too long at his old friend.
There were plenty of times when he almost convinced himself that there was something going on between them, that Bucky might be thinking the same, but it was similar thought to what he’d always thought. Bucky liked women, and women were undoubtedly attracted to him as well, even if he seemed way less interested in dating now. Then again, how did you begin to explain what they had been through? Steve had mostly avoided that sort of thing himself, save for a kiss here and there but that was nothing. It never lasted. It was too difficult with the life they led before. That wasn’t to say Steve had really thought about it too much these days, though.
Pining seemed easier, after all.
Bucky seemed fine with spending time with Steve, and he did want to avoid being so naive to think that meant something. Learning to dance had just been overdue. Introducing Bucky to the dozens of flavors of icecream was just a given. Even watching Bucky learn to cook new things felt so domestic, so nice, that Steve was hard pressed to let himself believe anything was going on past the obvious. People just weren’t interested in Steve like they were Bucky. Bucky was magnetic, gorgeous, charismatic. Maybe in the past Steve would have thought Bucky was just everything he wanted to be, but he knew, deep down, Bucky was just everything he wanted.